Youngjae

Want to know what more than anything? Loving someone who doesn't know you love them. But even worse than that, loving someone who you know will never love you back. For some reason, even knowing this, I still haven't been able to escape.

For years, this one-sided love has followed me like a giant rain cloud over my head. My head wanted it to go away, but my heart on the other hand was still holding on to the possibility of Jaebeom of liking me back--no matter how small that possibility was. I didn't know what he'd do if I told him, so I never said anything. But then I decided that I couldn't live my life never knowing. So, I promised myself that I'd find some way to tell him.

I departed from Jackson, Yugyeom, Mark, and Bam Bam and went to the auditorium to practice for the talent show. I really wanted to win that studio time and kickstart my music career. The industry would be tough to break into and any early in I could get would be crucial for me. I sat down at the piano and pulled out the sheet music for the song I was performing.

I looked at the notes, then at the keys of the piano and found my starting position. I pressed down the white keys slowly, so that I could get a feel for the notes. But once I got used to it, it was like I'd been playing this song forever. I was really on a roll when I felt someone's hands on my shoulders. The sudden feeling made me jump. I turned around and it was none other than Jaebeom. 

He was smiling and said, "Practicing hard I see as usual." I just nodded because I was so shocked that he was here. "Why do you look so surprised to see me?" he asked with both of his hands still on my shoulders. I looked at them and started to panic a little.

"Because I am. You graduated, so I never thought I'd see in school again," I finally spat out. He chuckled a little and moved closer to me. So close that his arms were pretty much around me and I could feel his breath on my cheeks. I looked back down at the piano keys shyly, my face so blushed with red it felt like someone turned up the heat abruptly.

"What are saying? That you don't miss seeing in school or that you're glad you don't see me in school?" he said. He was looking straight at my blushing face now.

"N..No. It's not that. What I meant was--"

"Dude, it's cool. I was just joking," he said, letting go of me and beginning to walk around. "I'm supposed to give some kind of presentation on post-high school options today to one of the career classes," he explained.

"Oh okay." I nodded and looked back at the piano, trying to find comfort in it as I rubbed my fingers against the keys.

"And besides, it's been a while since I talked to you last. Guess you've been too busy practicing for the talent show," he said out of nowhere. I looked up quickly only to find him looking at me again. You'd think because I loved him that I wouldn't be this uncomfortable around him, but I was.

"Yeah. I didn't mean anything by it, really. I just really want to win," I explained shyly.

"That's valid. Don't worry about me. I really want you to win, too," he said, now sounding more sympathetic. He knelt down by the piano bench. "So, that's why I'll be going to opening night. I am your good luck charm after all."

That was all too true. Everything went my way when I was with Jaebeom. When I found out I got into the talent show, I was texting him. When I found the perfect song to sing, I was hanging out at his house. I even ended up getting a perfect score on my math test when I studied with him one time. It seemed like the world was on my side when I was with him--well, besides the fact that my true feelings for him had still gone unnoticed.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said as I laughed.

"Well, I'll let you practice. I should probably look over my presentation again," he said, walking back over to me and ruffling the top of my head a little. "Later, Jae." I only turned around when I heard the music room doors shut, seeing him pass by the window as he headed down the hall.

I could have said something then, but I didn't. I wanted to say something, but I didn't. I sighed. I couldn't do it. How on earth was I going to confess to him? I feared what would happen if I could never do it. Even if he didn't share my feelings and we just stayed friends, that would be okay. I just didn't want to live the rest of my life wondering what could have been. 

######

I went home after what ended up being a quite depressing day at school. I sluggishly opened the front door and went up to my room. I'm pretty sure my parents said hi to me, but I was too lost in my own thoughts to say hi back.

As soon as I got into my room, I fell face-first on my bed. I stayed there until I heard a knock on my front door. I moaned loudly and got up to see who it was. My dad was headed for the door too, but I just waved my hand to let him know I was going to get it. I opened the door and it was Mark.

"For what reason would you be here?" I asked in slight confusion.

"Uh, you texted me..." he said, his eyes darting around for a moment. I looked at him, equally confused. I pulled out my phone and saw that I did in fact text him.

"Oh. I did," I said.

"Did you forget already?" he said as I ushered him inside my house.

"I had a lot on my mind today," I answered, hoping my response would suffice for the time being.

I shut the door behind me and this time when we got in my room, I plopped on my bed instead of falling out of consideration for Mark.

"So what's up? Why did you need my expert advice?" he said as he sat in the spinny chair at my desk.

"Well, it was about the talent show, but I don't want to talk about that now," I started. "I want to talk about love."

"Okay..." he said with an awkward chuckle. "I'm not really an expert in love, but I'll do what I can."

"Have you ever been in love with someone who you know will never love you back so it makes you absolutely miserable but you just can't stop loving them?" I said. "You want to tell them, but you're afraid you'll lose them entirely if you do."

"No, but then again, I don't think I've been loved anyone yet," he said as he looked around in thought. "Why? Have you?"

"Unfortunately," I said falling back on my bed. "For too long."

"Oh," he said, moving from the chair so he was sitting next to me. "Why haven't you told this person yet? I mean, even if you lose them, it's better than keeping all of it inside."

"Because I'd rather suffer with him than without him," I said. I went quiet for a moment, thinking about what my life would be like without Jaebeom in it. Boring. Sad. Unlucky. "And besides, he'd never possibly begin to understand what I mean if I did," I continued with a light sigh. "He'd probably think I was kidding."

"That's valid. I still think you should tell him, though," Mark said, making me look at him doubtfully. "Look at it this way, if you tell him and he rejects you, that's on him, not you. Eventually, you'll move on and you'll be able to breathe easier and sleep better at night. It'll hurt for a while, but you'll learn to cope. It just seems to me that having a sad temporary ending is better than wallowing in your own self-pity." I turned my face away and sighed again, nodding faintly in agreement. "So, are you gonna tell me who this guy is?" he added after a moment.

I was hesitant to tell him, but I felt oddly trusting of Mark for not having known him that long. "You promise not to say anything to anyone if I tell you?" I asked. He nodded. "It's...it's...J-Jaebeom," I said, closing my eyes expecting a completely different reaction than what I got.

He laughed. "So, Jackson was right when he teased you. I knew there was a reason you acted all nervous whenever he was brought up," he said, now just smiling. I just shoved him and he laughed again. "But seriously, just tell him. If he's halfway decent, he'll at least still be your friend," he said. I nodded in agreement, starting to feel a little bit better about the whole thing.

"I guess you're right," I said.

"I'd say that's pretty good love advice for someone who has never really been in love," he said, earning a small laugh from me.

I made up my mind that day. I had to tell Jaebeom before it killed me. But the only question that remained was how I would tell him.