Each word you say, each laugh. They have such big meanings to me – The Meaning of You – IU

            Dear Gege,

            Today I have my meeting with Dr. Lee. I am glad to have it in the morning so I don’t have to see him throughout the rest of the day. Truthfully Dr. Lee is my least favorite out of the all doctors. The less time I have to spend with him the better. Although my days at the hospital have been getting better after meeting Junhong.

            “How are you feeling today Yixing?” Dr. Lee asked as I closed the door to his office for our meeting.

            “I am feeling fine,” I answered staring down at the reddish brown wood of his desk. “Everything is still the same.”

            “Did you see Joonmyeon recently?” Dr. Lee asked. I shook my head. “That’s good to hear. But you still admit that he exists?”

            “Of course I do,” I said looking at Dr. Lee. “No matter what my answer stays the same, Kim Joonmyeon is very real and still my best friend.”

            “When did you meet him?” Dr. Lee asked. “You said it was six years ago correct after your hyung died?” I nodded my head, before taking out my journal handing it to him.

            “I bookmarked the page where I began writing the story of how I met Joonmyeon,” I said as Dr. Lee picked up my journal. “Read it and by next weeks meeting discuss it with me. I want to go.” Dr. Lee nodded as I stood up leaving the office heading out to the common’s room. I was scheduled to meet with Junhong.

            Ever since I had met him from group therapy we had hung out everyday when we weren’t being treated or having meetings with the doctors. We had quickly become friends with each other. He was definitely a breath of fresh air and comfort. I would rather be with him then alone in my room.

            “Hey Yixing,” Junhong said waving to me as I sat down next to him on the couch. He handed me a game controller. “Let’s play.” He pressed a few buttons before starting Mario Kart on the WiiU. “I’m going to win today.”

            “Fat chance,” I said shaking my head as I chose Link to be my character. We had both discovered that we liked playing the same game, so we played it often when we got the chance. The hospital only permitted us to play video games for at max two hours then we would have to wait about eight hours before we could play again. They wanted us to be active and not just play video games all day.

            “So you had your meeting with Dr. Lee already right?” Junhong asked after we had finished a set of races. “How did that go?”

            “I gave him my journal,” I answered. “I’ve been writing a journal of anything and everything that I want to write from when I started going to Dream Academy. But recently I wrote about how I met Joonmyeon hyung. That was my first time writing about something from my past.”

            “Are you going to write more about your past in the journal when you get it back?” Junhong asked. “Are you going to be writing about us too?”

            “Definitely,” I answered. “I will be writing about you in the journal and how I am friends with you. As to more about my past, mm I might write some more things, but I don’t know yet. What happened in the past is kind of more traumatic.”

            “I get you,” Junhong said as we selected new characters for the last set of races we were going to be doing. “Some stuff in my past is definitely stuff I’d have trouble writing about too.”

            I stared at the screen as the game picked random races for us before I was shooting past Junhong’s character and on to winning the race.

            “How are you so good at this game?” Junhong asked trying to get out of the bottom half-ranking. “I at this game.” I stuck my tongue out at him as we turned off the game after our four races.

            “It’s all practice,” I said laughing. We got off the couch before taking the elevator up to the garden with a nurse to accompany us. The nurse smiled at us before we went and sat down in the field of flowers having the sweet scent of the flowers enter our senses as we were surrounded by the colorful flowers. “This is still my favorite place in the entire hospital.”

            “The garden is very peaceful,” Junhong said nodding his head. “It makes it feel like we aren’t still trapped in the hospital.” He began picking flowers from around tying them together. “Hopefully by the end of this year I will be able to be released. That is my goal. I’ve been in the hospital for too long.”

            “Do your parents visit you often?” I asked watching him tie flower after flower onto his crown.

            “Yeah,” Junhong answered. “They make sure to visit me once a week. They want me to get out soon as well. They always try to bring me food and desserts which is like a slap in the face to me.” I looked at him shaking my head. “It is. They know better then anyone the reason I was working out and loosing weight so much.”

            “They just want you to get better and be healthy,” I said. Junhong finished making his flower crown putting it on my head. “That’s all that any parent wants. For their child to be happy and healthy.”

            “I am healthy,” Junhong said. “At least to me I think I am healthy. That’s all that should matter right? I mean as long as I healthy and getting more healthy.”

            “But are you happy?” I asked re-adjusting the crown on my head so it sat better. “Are you happy that you are here because of your goal to be healthy?”

            Junhong didn’t answer my question but stood up. I stood up with him as he gave me a sad look. The look was answer enough that he wasn’t as happy as he tried to tell everyone. I patted him on the back before we headed back down out of the garden for dinner.

____________________

            The hospital ever other week likes to have a performance night where any patient can do little performances like singing or dancing for anyone that wants to watch. It is fun to see everyone having fun and enjoying themselves instead of heading back to their rooms after they eat dinner in the cafeteria.

            “Are you ever going to perform?” Junhong asked me when we were seated in two chairs looking at the stage of the cafeteria. “You told me you danced.”

            “You told me you rapped,” I said looking at him. “If you go up and rap something then I will go up and dance something.” Junhong nodded his head as a group of little kids went up on the stage re-enacting a scene from what looked like Sailor Moon. The kids performances were always the cutest ones.

            “Anyone else want to go?” Dr. Song asked on stage. “You don’t have to worry about being nervous. Here everyone is supportive of each other.” Junhong raised his hand smirking at me. “Yes Junhong.”

            I watched as Junhong got up from his seat, heading up on stage whispering something into Dr. Song’s ear, who nodded her head before heading to the computer in the back of the cafeteria.

            “Hello,” he said into the microphone. “I am Junhong, I have been here for quite a while, but my friend in the audience is a dancer and I want to see him dance. And the only way he’ll dance is if I perform so I will be performing BTS’ ‘Second Grade’ please enjoy.”

            Soon the beginning of the song began to play and Junhong waited until he began to rap the lyrics of the song into the microphone. I looked at him up on stage amazed. I had no idea that he could rap so well.

            When it got to the second verse of the song Junhong began to rap a completely different song not following the actual lyrics of the song. In his verse he rapped about his own school life and friends before he was admitted into the hospital. He finished the song posing before setting the microphone down to everyone cheering for him.

            “Yixing your turn,” he said to me once he took his seat. I nodded my head before getting up telling Dr. Song the song I was going to perform.

            “I am Junhong’s friend he was talking about,” I said into the microphone. “My name is Yixing. I have only been here for a few weeks. I will be dancing to Infinite’s ‘Destiny’ please enjoy.” I set down the microphone before getting into the starting pose as Dr. Song put on the song.

            I looked out into the audience before I began to dance crisply to the dance steps I had memorized so long ago when the song had been released. It had been one of my favorite songs at the time so I had learned the dance naturally.

            The song kept playing as I moved effortlessly to the song not having to think about what dance step or move was next. Looking out into the audience I realized why I wanted to get out of here. It wasn’t because I wanted to go along with the doctor’s story of Joonmyeon being real or fake.

            I wanted to leave the hospital so I could keep dancing and performing for people. I wanted the world to see my dancing and the longer I was cooped up in the hospital the more time I was wasting. I finished the song before walking off stage as everyone cheered for me.

            “Wow Yixing,” Junhong said. “You’re a hella good dancer!” He clapped me on the back smiling at me.

            “You’re not so bad a rapper yourself,” I said. “You remind me of one of my friends.” I looked at him as the image of goofy, big-eared Chanyeol flashed through my head and how different he looked when he was rapping. Junhong looked so different when he was rapping. It was like he gained a ton of confidence and wasn’t the deathly skinny, cotton candy haired teenager I was friends with.

            “Next time we got to perform together,” Junhong said. “If we do that we’ll be the most popular people in the entire hospital.” He looked at me smiling.

            “If we make a deal first,” I responded. Junhong looked at me with a confused expression. “I’ll perform with you if and only if you promise me you’ll gain five pounds from now until the next entertainment night.”

            “And what will you do?” Junhong asked looking at me. “If I agree to this what will you do in return?” I tapped my chin thinking of what I could do. “I got it!” Now it was my turn to look confused. “You have to write about your hyung’s death in your journal, because five pounds is a lot for me to gain.”

            “Fine,” I answered nodding my head. I too a deep breath before smiling at Junhong. “We have a deal. When I get my journal back from Dr. Lee at the next meeting I’ll begin writing it.” I knew it was going to be easier said then done, but I was determined to get Junhong to eat and gain back his weight. If it meant I had to trudge up painful memories then I was willing to do it.

            As much as the doctors say I am making progress they all know like I know that I won’t truly get better till I let out about the biggest problem of my past. It’s going to be extremely hard to talk about let alone write about but I’ll do anything to help Junhong. I want both of us to leave the hospital. I want to go home.

            ~ Yixing 

Sorry for the long time it took to update with this chapter. I was pretty busy, but next chapter will be the big reveal of Yixing's gege's death. Anyways thank you all for the comments and for all the subs. I truly am very grateful! 

~ ALSK20