If this is a dream I hope I don’t wake up – Run – EXO

            Dear Gege,

            Doctor Lee suggested the idea that I attend the group therapy session that happens every Wednesday evening for the teens in the hospital. I don’t want to go to group therapy but I’ll do just so Doctor Lee will stop pressing on about it. Hopefully it will all go well.

            “Yixing,” Leeteuk said after he had finished checking my bandages on my hands and arms. “Did you think about Dr. Lee’s idea of you attending the teen group therapy session tonight?”

            “Do you think it would really help me Leeteuk?” I asked moving my arms after he had finished changing the bandages on my hands and arms. “I mean the whole group thing doesn’t sound comfortable to me. How many people are in the group anyways?”

            “I’m not to sure,” Leeteuk answered sitting down on the chair next to my bed. “I think there is about seven or so people that go to the group therapy? But I think it might help you so you can interact with some of the other teens your age around the hospital.”

            “I don’t need to interact with anyone here,” I said mumbling. “What good will that do? Once I get out of here I’ll never see any of them again.” I sighed leaning back on my bed.

            “You never know,” Leeteuk said patting my leg lightly. “You might exchange numbers and addresses with them if you become close. Just give it a try Yixing. Go once and see if it’s for you. If not you don’t have to go again. Dr. Lee, Dr. Song, and I just want to make your stay here more interesting.”

            “Okay,” I responded after thinking about it. To be honest the idea of meeting people my age in the hospital with their problems seemed kind of overwhelming to me. So many personalities and problems seemed a little scary to me. Would we all judge each other or get along? “I’ll try it this once and then decide if I want to go again.”

            “That’s great to hear,” Leeteuk said smiling. “I have to go check on a few other patients, so I’m going to be leaving now. Do you want your book?” I nodded my head before Leeteuk handed me a plain book and pencil. “A nurse will be back later to give you lunch.”

            “Thank you,” I said taking the book and pencil. Leeteuk smiled at me before closing the door behind him. I propped my knees up before opening the plain book holding the pencil.

            I had gotten the idea that to help me pass the time here when I didn’t have to see the doctors or my parents to write about different things. Mostly I found myself writing about my semester in high school when I had come to Dream Academy. There was a lot of stuff that had happened and I wanted to document it all.

            Dr. Lee had said that it was a good idea that I was doing this to pass the time since he too agreed that it could be a little boring being cooped up in the room or the garden doing nothing.

            So far this was helping me be less bored. I was able to write little descriptions about everyone in the special class, including Mr. Kim. I also wrote about how Joonmyeon and I met six years ago. He had come into my life at a dark part in my life.

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            I was dressed in a black suit with a red flower in the pocked of the jacket standing under a black umbrella. A light drizzle was falling down on us as we stood outside by the pit in a green hillside, which was where Gege would lay forever.

            “We are here today,” dad said. We didn’t believe in having a pastor to conduct the funeral service. Gege wouldn’t have wanted that anyway. He was a very non-religious person and we were going to respect his wishes. “For our precious son, nephew, grandson, and friend Zhang Yinxing. Just a few days ago he turned fifteen.”

            I looked around seeing our family and friends standing around the wood casket that held Gege in it. I looked at my mama seeing her continuously wiping her eyes and everyone else crying. I stared at the ground as dad kept on talking about Gege, before everyone put his favorite flower, red roses down onto his casket before we would fill the hole with dirt over him.

            “Yixing,” mama said patting my arm. “Are you going to say something?” She looked at me with hopeful, teary eyes as I nodded my head. “Everyone Yixing would like to say a few words.

            “Gege,” I said looking at the casket with all the roses on it. “I was there when he took his life on his birthday.” I gripped onto the handle of the umbrella feeling tears threatening to fall out of my eyes. “He was the best Gege I could ever ask for. I couldn’t believe it when he took his life right in front of me. I can’t go to sleep without seeing him. It’s like his death is on constant replay ever time I close my eyes.

            “We had only moved to Seoul four months ago for dad’s job. We had to leave all of you when we left China and make a new life for ourselves in Korea. We had to learn Korean which truthfully was very hard for both of us. We had to adjust to a new school and make new friends.” I looked over to Gege’s group of two friends he had made in Korea at his new high school, they looked at me with wet eyes.

            “Gege told me a lot that he had trouble adjusting to life in Korea. He probably struggled more with it then I did. I am only eleven so I didn’t have to leave much back in China. He left so much. A girlfriend, a great group of friends, everything he was used to. I left everything I was used to too, but it affected him more. Even though he met Yongguk hyung and Daehyun hyung he had trouble fitting in at school.” Yongguk and Daehyun had been the only people in his class to actually get to know Gege and become friends with him.

            “Everyone else picked on him for his bad Korean and his so called Chinese face. To me he looked like my Gege. To them he looked like an alien. People in high school were more judgmental and prejudice then I thought. I didn’t know that he was being tormented until I saw him when I came to his school after mine was over. I remember seeing all his books in his locker destroyed and trash flowing out of it.

            “He told me not to worry that it was all for just playful fun. But I knew he was lying. I could tell he was hurting. He had been hurting for quite some time. But there was nothing I could do. What could someone like me do to a bunch of high school students? True Yongguk hyung and Daehyun hyung tried to stick up for him but he became quickly depressed.” By now I felt the tears streaming down my face.

            “I love you Gege,” I said looking up at the sky. “I know you are watching us from somewhere and protecting us. I know you are hoping that I won’t have to suffer like you did. I miss you and I wish you could’ve let me help you. Maybe it’s my fault you aren’t here.”

            “Yixing,” dad said patting my arms. “It’s not your fault.”

            “Maybe I could’ve stopped you from claiming your life,” I said shaking. I felt the umbrella slipping from my grasp. “I mean I was there with you and I watched helpless as you took your life. I probably could’ve stopped you. It’s my fault that you are gone.”

            “No it’s not,” mama said hugging me crying against my jacket. “Yixing don’t believe that, that is true. It is not.” I broke free from my mothers grasp before running away from the funeral. Everything was becoming too much to handle. I needed to get out of there.

            I found myself at a river just a little ways away from the cemetery. I took off my jacket sitting down on the banks of the river crying and shaking violently. I could’ve done so much to protect Gege but I didn’t. I was weak. I was pathetic. I didn’t deserve to be here when he was gone.

            I stared at the water at the fast current that over flowed down a steep cliff. It was all too simple. I could slip into the river and go join Gege wherever he was. I took off my shoes before stepping knee deep into the water. I closed my eyes, bracing myself to fall into the water.

            “Wait stop!” a voice yelled. I felt someone tug on my hand before pulling me out of the water. “What do you think you’re doing?” I felt myself being thrown on the grass next to the river.

            “What do you think?” I asked feeling angry. Who was this stranger to be throwing me down onto the ground when I was close to ending it all. “I’m trying to go.”

            “Don’t take your life!” he yelled at me. I looked up seeing a young male, around my age standing above me. “It’s not worth it!” He sat down next to me. “Trust me I know.”

            “How would you know?” I asked scowling at him. I crossed my arms. “My life is ruined. My Gege left and it’s all my fault he is dead!”

            “Because two years ago I was you,” he answered. “My twin brother died in an accident here while we were playing. I couldn’t save him from the current of the river and he fell down the waterfall. I was crushed. My only brother was gone and I blamed myself like you are blaming yourself.

            “I almost jumped off the cliff a month after everything had happened. I couldn’t sleep or eat properly because of what had happened. But when I was standing next to the cliff side I realized that me taking my life wasn’t what he wanted me to do. I had to keep on living for the both of us. You need to keep living for you and Gege. Don’t end your life but start new and live it. Understand?”

            “No,” I said shaking my head. “It would be easier to just take myself to see Gege.”

            “No it’s not,” the male answered. “When you actually think about it, it’s harder then you think to take your life.” He held my hand squeezing it lightly. “You won’t get a re-do if you take your life. Would your Gege want you to take your life because of him?”

            I shook my head as I thought about Gege. He would definitely not want me to take my life. This guy was right. He would want me to keep living and keep going on. It was sad in the moment but eventually it would all be better. Eventually life would move on.

            “Fine,” I said slowly. “I won’t take my life and I will keep on living,” I said taking a shaky breath. I felt myself crying into the unknown boy’s shirt before I heard my parents calling me. They had finally found me.

            “Yixing!” mama said running to me. “What happened?”

            “He’s going to be okay,” the male said helping me stand up. “He was about to do something dangerous but I stopped him.” He bowed his head before walking away from us.

            “Wait!” I yelled as my parents embraced me. “I never even got his name!” But it was too late he was gone. Who knew when I returned to Seoul I would meet him again and find out the boy’s name was Kim Joonmyeon. Eventually he became my best friend.

            The only thing I found weird was he didn’t remember saying anything about his twin. He said his twin was away at a different school and very much alive. That part had always confused me. His brother who I never got to meet but desperately wanted to. That part of the story is still cloudy. Why would Joonmyeon tell me his twin brother died when we first met but then tell me he was alive after we became friends? It made no sense to me. I remember asking him about him one day.

            “Where is your brother hyung?” I asked. We were in the park sitting down in the shade. It was one of those days that I definitely wanted to know more about his brother.

            “He is away at school,” Joonmyeon answered. “He is always too busy to come back home at the moment.” He sighed as he layed down on the grass. “Why do you always ask?”

            “Because the first time we met at the river,” I said looking down at him. “You told me your brother had died falling down the waterfall. But now you say he is away at a different school.”

            “I don’t remember meeting you at the river,” Joonmyeon said. “What are you talking about Yixing? I definitely met you for the first time six years ago when we bumped into each other at the shopping mall.”

            I frowned but dropped the subject. Joonmyeon was obviously not telling me something but the look on his face made it clear that he didn’t want to talk about it. After that I didn’t ask him again about his brother, since it was a touchy subject for him.  

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            After eating the dinner the nurse had brought me I got lead by Leeteuk to the teen group therapy session. It was in a big open room where we could all sit on comfortable couches and chairs in front of Dr. Lee who was in charge of group therapy.

            “Okay everyone,” Dr. Lee said. “Tonight we have a new addition to our friend circle. Yixing please introduce yourself to everyone.” He smiled at me motioning for me to stand up and introduce myself.

            I stood up slowly looking around at the five other teenagers that were seated on the couches and chairs. One of them was a really skinny male with blond hair with crazy bright pink and blue streaks in his hair. Another was a girl whose hands fidgeted non-stop always picking at her clothes.

            “Hello,” I said bowing my head slightly. “My name is Zhang Yixing, I am in my second year of high school and according to all the doctors here I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia.” I sat back down as Dr. Lee began to talk about some things, which I kind of glossed over. I stared at the ground as he kept talking about different techniques we could do when we felt upset or how to make us feel more comfortable.

            I found my thoughts drifting to wanting to write more in my journal. I had written about a lot of stuff from different memories in my childhood to more recent stuff like winning the talent show and performing for the Dream Academy’s open house.

            The only think I couldn’t bring myself to write about just yet was my Gege’s suicide. That was still something that I just couldn’t muster up any courage to do. It is the most scary, dark, and saddest time in my life. Dr. Lee knows that, since he told me that Gege’s death might be the reason why I met Joonmyeon. There is still a lot of stuff that Dr. Lee and everyone else doesn’t know about.

            Leeteuk keeps trying to tell me to one day get comfortable to tell the whole story. Maybe I will. But until then I’ll write some bits of it in my journal. If I decide to give it to the doctors maybe that can help them figure out what is wrong with me.

            I know that eventually I will have to tell about Gege’s death. Whether it is in the journal or in person to Leeteuk, Dr. Lee, and Dr. Song. They all want to know what happened since it is supposedly going to help me get better. Not even mama and dad know the full story. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them and they didn’t pry for answers. I think they know that when I am ready I will tell them everything.

            “Hey,” a voice said as a shadow blocked the light above me. I jumped out of my thoughts looking up to see the skinny blond, blue, and pink haired boy looking down at me. “Did you hear Dr. Lee?”

            “What?” I asked shaking me head. “No I didn’t hear what he said. I was thinking about some things.” He sat down next to me as I looked at him better. I thought Luhan was skinny but this guy made Luhan look almost healthy. His arms were about three times skinnier then mine, his clothes hung loosely off his body and you could see his bones sticking out all over.

            “Dr. Lee said that with you joining the group therapy we have an even number of teens now,” the male said resting his head against the couch. “So we can bring back the pairing activity.”

            “What is the pairing activity?” I asked looking at the other male. Dr. Lee never said anything to me before about that.

            “We get paired with someone else in the group therapy,” he explained. “And then like twice a week we get to hangout and talk and just be friends. And Dr. Lee paired me with you since I have been here for a long time I kind of know how the pair activity works. I am Choi Junhong a year younger then you. I have Anorexia, that’s why I am here.”

            I nodded my head slowly. It all made sense why he was so skinny. Someone of his height shouldn’t have been this skinny. It was scary seeing someone so skinny. I’d never seen someone this skinny in my life. It definitely reassured myself that I didn’t want Luhan to look like that.

            “So what now?” I asked looking at Junhong. “Do you want to go up to the garden with me?” He nodded his head as we stood up leaving to head up to the garden with one of the nurses. “You’re really skinny.”

            “No I’m not,” Junhong said poking my arm. “I am too fat.” I looked at him raising an eyebrow. “Don’t look at me like that hyung. I am fat.” I shook my head as we walked out of the elevator sitting down at in the field of flowers.

            “Compared to me you are skinny,” I said looking at myself. “I mean you can’t deny that.” Junhong shook his head before lying down on his back staring up at the ceiling. “How long have you been here?”

            “I’ve been here for almost a year,” Junhong said. “I used to be way more skinny, but they stuck a tube in me so I could gain more weight. But the last person I was paired with was another patient with anorexia and they convinced me that I was fat and I relapsed and began to not eat.

            “I’d hide the food they gave me not eating it and eventually I got sick again. Dr. Lee told me he’d pair me up with you because he thinks you might be able to help me and I might be able to help you.”

            I nodded my head listening to him speak. Maybe he could help me and I could help him. I kind of helped Luhan. The last time I’d been with him he wasn’t worried about what he was eating. But he definitely wasn’t as skinny as Junhong was. Junhong thought way more differently about his weight then Luhan did, and it was very obvious.

            “Maybe we can help each other,” I said smiling at him. I offered him my hand as we shook on it smiling at each other.

            Junhong is my only escape in the hospital. I am thankful to Dr. Lee for pairing us up together. We are definitely able to help each other with our problems. I think it is going to be thanks to him that I am able to speak about everything. I can’t ask for someone better then that.

            ~ Yixing 

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So this is first kinda flashback about Yixing's meeting with Joonmyeon. More of all that will make more sense later on in the story. And Joonmyeon has a twin that will also be made more clear. I hope you liked this and I'll write more later! 

~ ALSK20