Song Minho.

That was the name he’d first given, that day when he showed up at the door and asked for Mr. Nam. He had seemed so sure he would see and old man and not the young one who had greeted him. Taehyun could perfectly remember the moment; how he had felt a bit upset that his new nurse had been someone young and healthy like that. In the past they had all been chubby ahjummas with warm smiles or younger girls fresh out of university with a dream of giving him hope.

Hah, how many of those had he made cry already? 

They were all easy to figure out and to push in whichever direction he wanted, but Song Minho… Song Minho was a bit of a mystery, a like a book in a language he wasn’t quite sure he understood. One day he would seem like the nicest person in the world and the biggest pushover. Then he’d go all bossy and demand silly things of Taehyun, like… like doing laundry.  Just the thought of that day made him smile fondly and he leaned further back in his pillows. His eyes rested for a minute on Minho’s sleeping form in the chair next to the bed, then wandered off towards the window.

Last week had been so full of arguments and hurt. They had hardly been speaking at and then Taehyun had suddenly gotten worse. And in the blur of doctors, nurses and hospital it had been impossible to say if Minho had been there or not. But of course he had been. And of course he was still there. Clouse enough for Taehyun to touch him if he just reached out a hand, but he held himself back.

“You big idiot…”

Yes, Minho was an idiot. An idiot for opening up so easily, for sharing every little thing about himself and for constantly giving in to the requests of his patient. Like that time when he had agreed to go to the Cherry Blossom Festival, had cried and also started to slowly tear Taehyun’s already frail heart into tiny pieces. He had tried then to make the other be more honest about his feelings, and yet nothing. And so they had fought, and Taehyun had refused to give in until he got what he wanted. Only Minho was being an and refused to give in. And it had been so frustrating that he’d wanted to show his pillow down the other’s throat.

Right now was different.

“Minho?” Taehyun said softly, brushing his hair out of his face and trying to sit up. Why was his energy so drained? How long had he even been out? It felt like it had just been a few hours, but judging by Minho’s messy hair, wrinkly clothes and dark circles, it must have been much longer. 

“Minho…”

This time he actually moved in his chair, and Taehyun felt almost hopeful just at the sight. If he could just hear what it was that had been happening, why he was at the hospital still and not at home...

Home…?

When Minho had first come to stay with him, the rooftop apartment had felt nothing like home. Perhaps a little more at home than it did when he was home with his mother and brother who'd fret, try to avoid him and act like he couldn't even manage going to the bathroom on his own. But certainly not as warm and welcoming as it should be. Not until they were two staying there, and  Minho brought so much of himself with him and so openly shared it all. What had Taehyun ever given back to him? Sarcastic comments and a whole lot of furstration?

Minho stirred again, this time slowly opening his eyes and turning a bit to look over his shoulder as if he expected the one who had woken him up to be standing there. Then his tired gaze flickered back towards Taehyun and all of a sudden he seemed wide awake. His dark eyes started to gleam in the dim light and in an instant he had straightened up in his seat and was holding onto Taehyun’s hand.

“…hyun….”

Minho's voice is barely audible and the way he looked so utterly distressed and broken makes a cold hand of fear close around Taehyun’s heart. “Minho, what…?” he asked carefully before in a deep breath, even his toes curling up in worry.

A part of him doesn’t even want to hear it.

If Minho is this worried, and if he is so close to tears just by seeing him wake up, then it had to be bad. Really bad.

“Why won’t you ever tell me you are hurting?” A few tears trickle down Minho’s cheeks, and the hand in Taehyun’s chest is squeezing his heart harder than before. He wants to reach out and brush the tears away, but his arms feel so heavy he is scared he won’t even be able to move them.

“I got used to it…”

“Used to it?! Taehyun!”

Minho looks all the more distressed and he bends his head down, lightly leaning it against their entwined hands. “You fainted. And you… you wouldn’t wake up!” Taehyun looks full of fear mixed with surprise as Minho’s shoulders start shaking as cry gets the best of him. It is even worse than when he cried out in the park, because there is a certain hopelessness about him that makes Taehyun’s eyes burn as well. Is it really that bad?

“You… you’ve been out for three days, they said I should prepa-…. Prepare for the worst! Taehyun, I don’t want to prepare for the worst! I don’t want to lose you!”

Prepare for the worst? For just a second the whole world seems to be spinning and is pretty sure he can see a dark silhouette by the door, beckoning for him to come closer. So it is time for him to leave now, is it? But how can he leave when there is someone holding on to him like this? Taehyun blinks away a few tears that has made their way into his eyes and then slowly lifts his hand so he can Minho’s head. It was difficult for him to keep calm, because watching his nurse, his best friend, his only friend, break down like this really started to terrify him. He didn’t want to die now! He wasn’t ready at all! And yet a tiny voice deep inside whispered to him, asking him if it wouldn't be quite lovely to finally, after all these years, be free of the pain.

“I don’t… want to!”

Just this short comment made Minho sob louder, his whole body crouched over because of how hard he was crying. It was almost difficult to understand that another person could cry with such force for him, but he did. They had talked about this so many times before, like that day in the park, but there had never been such urgency to it. Or perhaps it had, but Minho had been the only one to realize it? Wasn’t that why he had refused? Had he been right to refuse? Seeing the pain in Minho’s face was finally what it took for Taehyun to realize why he had tried to hold back all those times. Out of the two of them, he was the one who would be left to deal with the pain and the loss. Taehyun, he… he’d just die, and that was that. It was a horribly cold, sad and lonely thought. But at least when he died that was the end of it. He had been clinging so desperately to Minho through this all, but in the end all he could offer up was pain and heartbreak.

The weight in the bed changes a bit and only then does Taehyun realize that Minho has moved from sitting in the chair to sitting on the bed. Straining himself just a little, Taehyun moves to the side to offer more space, and Minho takes it instantly. His strong arms wrap around Taehyun’s slender frame as he lies down next to him and pulls him to him.  The warmth makes Taehyun shiver, and he feels so strangely helpless where he lies, Minho's whole body still trembling with cry.

“I don’t want you to either.” His voice is so heartbroken that Taehyun lets out a little sob and presses his face against the warmth of Minho’s neck. It hurts so much that they only now can be a little bit more honest with each other, and it hurts that even if they are honest, the unspoken words still remain the same. Song Minho is still an unreachable star he cannot quite reach.

At one time Minho had said Taehyun had been so impossible to reach out to, that he was becoming too distant for regular people to even dare to talk to him. But Minho had been the unreachable one. Not to other people perhaps, but for Taehyun he had always danced just out of his reach, teasing his feelings and his whole existence without as much as noticing at first. Minho was the one who hadn’t understood how hard Taehyun had tried to make him notice him, who never realized that every tantrum he threw had been to make him notice him. Even if it was just to be scolded, to be carefully lead back to bed or to be able to sit watching Minh's back as he cleaned up whatever mess Taehyun had made, it was all to catch his attention. His efforts... had truly paid off more than he could ever dare to dream it would.

“I thought… I thought you wouldn’t wake up again.”

Minho’s voice sounded just as heartbroken as he had looked before, and Taehyun closed his eyes tight shut. He didn’t want to have to admit to the fact that this really could be the end. He rather wanted to stand up and scream and shout. But just the thought of standing up made his body ache. Where had all his energy disappear to? He had been fine... just a few days ago.

”Minho, don’t…”

Thinking about dying, admitting that it was finally the end...

”If we could change places, I would.”

”And leave me behind?!”  Taehyun was shocked at what he heard. He curled his hand into a fist and lightly started hitting Minho’s chest.  ”Idiot! Do you think that would change anything?” Minho grabbed his hand, holding it against his warm chest, and Taehyun could feel just  how fast his heart was racing.

”You’d be okay without me. You would manage to live on without me.” What was Minho getting at?

”How can you say that?!”

”…I… love you too much.”

Time seemed to stand still then and it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Had Minho really… had he really said that? Had Minho just… Pulling apart so he could see the other’s face, Taehyun carefully put a hand to his cheek. Their eyes met, but none of them seemed to be able to speak. Least of all Minho, who blushed and remains silent, eyes red and swollen from tears. Was this what they had been reduced to? Two hopeless men with no chance of putting all the pieces back together? in a deep breath Taehyun nuzzles his face against Minho's chest and lies as still as he can. 

Minho loved him, and he couldn't even be happy about it. How cruel was this world?

A/N: Sorry this chapter is SUPER LATE and SUPER MESSY. I never thought this would be so sad to write, but it did and I'm having a horribly hard time writing now beacuse... sad. Still, hope you enjoy the new chapter despite the mess.