“Taehyun, it’s okay. Wake up!” Minho cooed quietly as he gently shook Taehyun’s shoulder. A bit like the weather outside, the boy’s mind and dreams seemed to be brewing up a storm. Or maybe the weather had affected him? His tossing and turning, accompanied with soft whimpers had distracted him from trying to clean up the remains of their dinner. Thanks to how he was now so very easily distracted by Taehyun, Minho had forgotten the pasta sauce a bit too long, and it had ended up getting burned. Not his best moment in the kitchen, but it had been quickly forgotten. Actually, after that day out, a lot of things had easily been forgotten or tucked safely into a drawer they quietly had agreed not to open. Thankfully Minho’s tears had been put away there too.

“You’re just dreaming! Taehyun, wake up,” he repeated, shaking his shoulder a little bit harder. It was scaring him how distressed Taehyun’s face looked. What invisible enemies was he fighting in his sleep? Wasn’t the demons he had to face when awake more than enough? Even if he didn’t talk about it, Minho could tell. Recently he had been lacking energy, eating less or just throwing the food back up. The weight loss that was starting to become evident even on Taehyun’s face and the purple-ish circles under his eyes made his pretty and delicate face seem almost hollow. He was getting worse, and however much Minho wanted to avoid the truth, he was a professional after all. And he had seen this happen before.

With a little yelp Taehyun opened his eyes and looked bewildered around for a split second. Then he reached out his slender arms and wrapped them around Minho, pushing against him as if that was the only thing that could help him. ”You  were going away,” he sopped, body still trembling and his skin damp from sweat. Exactly what had he been dreaming about to get this worked up over it?

”Hey… I’m here. Shh… I’m here, it’s okay. No one is going anywhere.” Except someone was going somewhere. Taehyun was slowly walking down a path that kept leading him further and further away. But that was also something fit for that secret drawer they didn’t talk about. It was better for both of them if it stayed there, so Minho just put his arms around the boy as well and gently his hair.  ”I thought you said you were tired. Why is your mind acting up?” Taehyun didn’t reply, just buried his face against Minho’s warm chest, apparently trying to calm himself down. This poor kid. As if seeing himself fade away in the mirror every day wasn’t enough, now his mind had to start forcing it onto him too?

“Do you want to tell me about it? Talking about a dream prevents it from coming true, doesn’t it?”

“That’s bull, and you know it.”

However much of a whimper Taehyun’s voice was, it was still not void of his overly characteristic sarcasm. When that disappeared completely too, that’s when he’d have to really start worrying about him. When everything that made Taehyun the Taehyun Minho knew disappeared would they still be able to continue as they were? If anyone found out how strongly attached he had become his job would surely be in jeopardy. First rule of this line of work was to not get too attached, and he had broken that within the first week. And Minho had kept breaking the rules daily ever since then. Even now he was allowing himself to go miles and miles past the fence he’d normally put up between himself and his patients.

“Just trying to comfort you…”

“You already are.”

As he spoke, Taehyun pulled slightly away and looked at Minho with a face that made him want to hold him tight again. His eyes were red and puffy, his eyebrows slanting so low they didn’t seem far from touching at the top and there were dark, purple-ish circles under his eyes. What was it he had said earlier? He had dreamed of Minho going away? Was that so bad as to make him cry? Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was fear of dying?

Minho wrinkled his own brows and carefully wiped Taehyun’s cheeks with his thumbs. “Then why do you still look so upset?” he muttered, the closeness making him feel the trembling in Taehyun’s body as the boy tried to suppress his sobs. “You were going away. You left me all alone, and you didn’t even tell me why,” he croaked. His dark eyes fluttered close and he turned his head more against Minho’s hand, his lips gently brushing against it. Was he aware of what he was doing, or was it a spur of the moment thing? Minho couldn’t help but question everything either of them did, all the small, somewhat subtle things that had become more and more evident since their outing in the park. Since he so foolishly had broken down and cried like a baby.

“Did you even question me why? I don’t have a reason to leave.” You are leaving me first.

“Because I was sick. Because you thought it was better for you to not see me die.”

Die. A word that felt much like having a bucket of ice water poured over you. Minho grimaced and lightly squished Taehyun’s cheeks. “I told you, I’m not leaving. I’m right here. So don’t waste tears or worry on me. I’m not worth that much.” He swallowed, waited for a reaction, but instead just got a dark glare from Taehyun. What? It was true. All he did and felt would disappear anyway, wouldn’t it?

“So then why did you cry?”

The question hung heavily in the air and Minho’s arms dropped down. Hadn’t they quietly promised never to talk about that? “Uhm…” What was he supposed to say? “You know, you should stop pretending by now and just accept it?” Taehyun sat up so he was more or less sitting in Minho’s lap, preventing him from leaving. “You keep denying it, laughing away whatever little I might say, but we shouldn’t just act like there’s nothing!” A bright red color was slowly spreading on the boy’s cheeks as he spoke, and he seemed more than ready to launch a punch if he had to. It was unfair of him to bring this up now, especially because his red eyes and fragile appearance made Minho want to hold him.

“Then what should we do?” he cleared his throat and reached out to scratch the back of his neck. What did he have to do to make Taehyun understand that they simply shouldn’t push it any further? “Don't you understand?”

He didn’t understand. Minho could tell by the way Taehyun looked at him. Either he didn’t understand, or he just wouldn’t understand. If it was the first, then Minho felt honestly sorry for him. Their situation was complicated enough. But if was the latter, then he was leaning more towards anger. If he really did understand how admitting to the truth would mean hurt and pain to the bitter end, yet kept pushing for it, wasn’t that just selfish? Then it felt like he was just pushing for Minho to feel as much pain as he would. When Taehyun… when he left, he wouldn’t feel pain anymore, but Minho would be left with an emptiness inside him that he’d rather not think about.

“I do understand! I understand better than you, ! I also understand that we’ll both regret it if we just let it go like this!”

Minho’s eyebrow twitched and without even realizing it, his grip on Taehyun tightened. He knew, he understood what it was expected of him to say, what he would regret not saying. But he also knew that it would make everything just that much more difficult. “Taehyun…” he tried to make the warning evident in his voice, but it seemed no avail. The stubbornness was too visible in Taehyun’s dark eyes, not to mention the way his jaw clenched as they looked at each other. This would not go down without a fight.

“No! Don’t tell me to ignore it! I thought I might be the only one, but I’m not. I was fine with the thought of dying, and then you just waltz into my life and ruin everything! And even worse, we have to pretend like everything is still perfectly fine when it clearly isn’t!”

“Well what would you have me do?!” Minho blurted out the words much more forcefully than he meant to. Once again Taehyun had gotten the better of his emotions and pushed him to the point where his irrational, selfish side kicked in. Why couldn’t he be childish and selfish for once too?  He wasn’t the one dying, but he was the one who had to remain there, alone. Wasn’t this just turning into a rerun of their argument from the park?

Minho ran a hand down his face and let out a deep sigh. “We need to stop doing this. Taehyun, I know how hard it is, trust me, I do. But if we just follow through without a second thought, what happens when time’s up? As you said, you were fine before, and now…” He shook his head. They had to work this all out somehow, because it scared him how much energy Taehyun was putting into it. That energy should be used on much more important things. “I need you to understand,” he said softly, reaching up and pushing some hair out of Taehyun’s face. “There are better things for you to use your time on than me.”

“But Minho… I…” No doubt, he had been surprised by how blunt Minho was. Normally Taehyun was the blunt one who poured out his emotions without a care in the world, and now it wasn’t, regardless of how roundabout Minho went to say it.

“No, Taehyun, I’m being serious.”

“But…”

“But nothing. End of discussion, end of this. Do I really have to do something drastic to make you understand?” Drastic as in changing jobs. As in forcing himself to leave to prevent Taehyun from worrying too much. The only downside of that scenario being that if the boy cared as much as he claimed to be doing, he might be more upset than anything if Minho left. And if that was the case… Could he even leave?

Standing up Minho ran a hand down his face again and sighed. Just what did he have to do to make Taehyun understand every little bad thing that would come out of going with their feelings?

“Why did you wake me up if this was all we were going to talk about?” Taehyun’s voice was sharp, and he looked even more drained of energy than he had when Minho first woke him up.  There was also a hint of the old Taehyun in his voice, because it sounded much like it had the day they first met and he had seemed absolutely uninterested in everything and everyone.

“At least this conversation you can walk away from.”

The coldness in his own voice surprised Minho, and before he could see or hear the response to it, he marched out of the room and closed the door behind him.  The distance, however small it was, felt nice and he let out a deep sigh. If anything, he wanted to cry again, curl up in his own bed and cry until there was nothing left. Maybe if he did, would he safely be able to escape his own emotions?

Nam Taehyun was slowly becoming his disease, and he doubted there would be a cure for it either.  Maybe Seungyoon had been right when he said that they should talk more, since Taehyun never spoke truthfully about his pain anymore, but talking was becoming a dangerous territory too. 

A/N: Sorry this is really, really, really late! Had a severe writer's block, and I have been busy as no tomorrow with work and school. Still, I hope you can all enjoy chapter 8, even if it is sad. Also.... I have such a hard time writing all this angst, I have no idea how to even finish this fic ;;