First off, let me introduce myself. My name is Kim Taeyeon. I come from the quiet city of Jeonju, capital of Jeollabuk-do. My father runs a spectacle shop there and that pays for all our bills so I have led a comfortable life while growing up. My family is what most people would consider ordinary. I have an older brother and a younger sister. My parents take good care of us and have brought us up with strong moral values. They're great parents. I love them. I love my brother and sister too.

So one would think, after my introduction, that everything seems to be quite normal. But no. Not everything is normal. You see, I, Kim Taeyeon, am not quite normal. I am a little unusual. Just a teenie weenie bit unusual.

Why, you ask. Well, some people are interested in cars, sports, stamps or good looking people on screens, but I'm not interested in any of those things. I have a different type of interest. An unusual type interest. I, am interested in the human body. But not all of it. Just a part of it. The gluteus maximus, to be specific.

What's that you ask? In Latin, we call it the nates. Some people refer to it as the bum, backside, behind, rear, posterior, bottom, buttocks or if you're going for classy, derrière. A less polite term for it would be ''. A cuter alternative, rump, caboose. Or in raps, booty.

Yes. You get the point. I have an interest in butts. A great interest. Some might even define it as love. But that's not unusual, you might say. Lots of people like butts.

It's true that most people wouldn't mind looking at a nice, round . Male or female, a nice is a nice . But it doesn't stop there for me. No. I wouldn't be talking about it if it were simply that. My interest in butts goes beyond looking, if you catch my drift. I, Kim Taeyeon, have an insatiable need to touch attractive butts. And not just a simple touch like a quick pat. No, no, no, no. It has to be a glorious rub and if I'm allowed to, a squeeze to top it off nicely.

I learnt while growing up, that it is improper to touch another person's without permission and that's when I began to train up resistance to my interest. I learnt to look away, to think of something else, or sometimes, when the urge is strong, to squeeze a stress ball. And all these methods have worked well to keep me sane. Until now. Now, I have a huge problem on my hands because these methods don't work any more when it comes to her.

Let me introduce my problem to you. My problem is called Tiffany. Tiffany Hwang Miyoung. She used to be called Stephanie but sometime through high school, she started calling herself Tiffany. Which just makes it worse. Now, her name is spelt T-I-F-F-A-N-Y and of course my -loving mind would zoom in on 'FANY', turning it into 'FANNY' which could mean two different things, depending on where you come from, but to me, it means , okay? It means . She has the word '' in her name and her actual is glorious.

Tell me this isn't a sign that I'm meant to touch her .

So the problem now is this: How can I touch her without ending up in jail and shamed for the rest of my life?

I need ideas. I need a plan. I need...a proposal. Yes! A proposal. That's exactly what I need. I need to make it seem like I'm doing her a favour rather than the other way round. That way, she'll be begging me to touch her .

Oh my God. I'm so brilliant.

I scramble around my room and emerge from the organized mess of my belongings with a notepad and a pen. I'm a seventeen-year-old girl on a mission and God help us all when seventeen-year-old girls are on a mission. They will stop at nothing.

With my pen hovering above my notepad, my brilliant mind cranks to life. Right. We should always start with a purpose. No, wait. A name. I need a name for this mission. Naming something empowers it. Naming my mission will give it an identity and a life. What should I call my mission?

A slow grin spreads across my face as my mind kicks it up a notch. Why of course. Names are best when they're self-explantory. My eyes focus on the blankness of the paper and I begin to write.

A moment later, I roll my pen across the words and lean back to admire my work. There it is, in neat letters, the name of my mission.

MISSION GLUTEUS MAXIMUS

B