Ren’s POV

Shortly after Baekho had returned inside of the boat’s cabin I came in after him. When I walked inside, I saw two of the wait staff employees slowly clearing the table while Baekho stood at the back of the cabin near the large window, staring out quietly. I slowly approach him from behind, lightly tugging on the back of his black leather jacket. Before Baekho could turn I leaned forward, burying my forehead into his back. I felt him tense up beneath me before glancing over his right shoulder, waiting for me to speak up. I tightly pursed my lips together as I gathered up the courage.

“It’s not like I don’t want to try…” My voice softly trailed off. Baekho continued glancing back at me.

“Try what?” He asked.

“To move on… God knows I need to. It’s just really soon… I’m not sure if I’m ready.”

“I understand. I meant it when I told you earlier to take your time. I’ll never force you to do something you don’t want to.”

“I know what I’m asking might come across as unreasonable, and I don’t want your feelings to get hurt because of me either.” I replied then stepped back as Baekho suddenly turned around to face me. A soft, warm smile spread across his lips.

“Thank you for checking up on me.” He reassured me. “I’ll be fine. There are plenty of other things to do to distract me while I wait, like the fashion show.” Baekho mentioned, surprising me that he was talking about work on his down time. I forced a smile on my face and awkwardly nodded.

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Are you prepared for it?” He asked, trying to change the subject, though I wasn’t sure if it was for his sake or mine.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Christmas falls first, though. Jason scheduled it for the day after. Will you go home to see your family?” He asked. I nodded.

“Yeah, every year. Will you-” I had asked without thinking and paused when I realized what words had just escaped my lips. I immediately bowed my head down in front of him in apology. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up-”

“It’s alright. This isn’t my first Christmas alone.” Baekho replied, seeming at peace with it. However, it killed me on the inside. I could tell that underneath those sunglasses of his that he was doing his best to be strong and I felt bad for him. I couldn’t imagine life without my parents or brother. Although I lived alone, it was different from actually being alone. Just the idea of it shook me. I kept my gaze down to the floor as I spoke.

“I don’t… have to go this year.” I said in almost a shy murmur. Baekho removed his sunglasses and stared down at me, surprised.

“What was that?” He asked with a wide smile. I turned red out of embarrassment.

“Ah, nevermind! It’s stupid!” I quickly turned away from him only Baekho reached forward and grabbed me by wrapping his arms over my shoulders, making me freeze. When he realized what he was doing he awkwardly released me and pulled back.

“I would love nothing more than your company on Christmas Eve. But are you sure? I don’t want to take you away from your parents.” Baekho asked. I turned back around to face him and waved my hands to the side.

“Are you kidding me? They’re the ones that kicked me out of the house. They couldn’t wait for me to leave.” I joked. “It’s fine. They don’t do much anyways. They sit in front of the TV and get drunk. Some tradition, huh?” I said, nervously digging my fingertips into my pockets.

“Not all traditions have to be extraordinary for them to be memorable. I don’t have that memory of getting to drink with my parents. I was too young when they passed.”

“Ah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” I sunk my head down in shame. Baekho smiled at me.

“Neither did I. It’s fine. I’m just being a bit envious, that’s all.” He admitted. I finally glanced up at him with a surprised look on my face.

“Come on, you envious of me? There’s nothing about Choi Ren that’s enviable. Somehow I barely manage to hold myself together while dealing with Minhyun and Aron’s shenanigans on the side.”

“You have many good qualities about you, and that’s something that all the money in the world can’t buy. I have House of Kim, but no matter how much you love it, a company cannot hug you back when you’ve had a stressful day. It can’t call you just to check in on how you’re doing. It can only provide you with money… but what good is that for? I remember a time when I used to want it – it was back when I didn’t have it. But I didn’t know the things that I know now about having it and keeping it. If I had only known back then…” Baekho’s voice dully trailed off. He had a blank expression written on his face, as if lost inside of his own thoughts. I frowned and slowly waved my right hand in front of him, breaking him from his trance. He gave me a startled look.

“Are you ok?” I worriedly asked him. Baekho nervously nodded.

“I told the ship captain to turn us back around and take us into town again. We should be at land shortly and I’ll take you back.” He said, once again changing the subject. There was something troubling him about his job, aside from having to appear in public, something that he didn’t want to talk about… or couldn’t. I thought back to what Minhyun had said about Baekho’s odd behavior whenever Jason was present. Did Jason really have something on Baekho that no one else knew about? Was he the reason why Baekho blanked out just now? I tried to think of how Jason might be connected to all of this. He just had to be. Baekho’s behavior around him, the fact that they were even doing a collaboration… Minhyun was right. It just seemed weird.

“Ok, sure…” I replied then stood around and waited. Several minutes later after the side of the ship finally hit the dock, the ship captain came inside the cabin and lead the both of us off and onto the boardwalk. Baekho placed his sunglasses back on and continued to remain silent as he started walking towards the land, leaving me behind. I frowned, not liking this sudden shift in atmosphere. I had to do something. I rushed several steps forward and caught up to him, weaving my left arm around his right one. Baekho paused in his tracks and glanced down at me. Seemingly flustered, Baekho turned his gaze away to the side.

“What’s this all of the sudden?” He nervously cleared his throat.

“It’s icy. I might trip.” I grinned. Baekho suddenly pouted.

“You’re making fun of me from earlier, aren’t you?” He asked. I briefly stuck my tongue out at him before we made it back onto land. As we approached the front of Baekho’s car, I started to pull away when suddenly he grabbed onto my hand and yanked me forward. I stumbled and crashed into his chest. Baekho wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. As I felt my body pressed up against his, my face grew a bright shade of red. When I was about to pull away from him, I noticed something that made me pause. With my right ear pressed against his chest, I could hear the sound of his fast, racing heartbeat. I slowly glanced up at him with stunned, wide eyes before whispering to him.

“It’s real, isn’t it? This… it’s real.” I asked. Baekho slowly released his hold on me and stared across at me.

“It’s a hundred percent real.” Baekho admitted. As his words reached my ears I felt my heart start to pound inside of my chest. I glanced down at it, both surprised and confused. Baekho frowned when he read my reaction. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I think so.” I replied, feeling my chest start to constrict and my vision growing hazy. “I-I-I need to sit down.” I rushed to say before Baekho grabbed me right as my knees gave out. He sat me on the front hood of his car. I fanned my hands in front of my face while Baekho gave me a concerned look.

“What was that about?”

“It’s nothing!” I quickly stammered in attempt to cover up my blackouts. Baekho narrowed his eyes and stared at me while I did everything in my power not to look back at him. Despite being here as friends, or maybe even something more, it still didn’t change the fact that Baekho was still Mr. Kim, a designer that I was partially modeling for soon. I couldn’t let him know about the blackouts at the risk of him taking me out of the show.

“It didn’t look like nothing.”

“Can you just stop?” I asked, raising my voice at him in annoyance. Baekho gave me a slightly hurt look underneath his frames before taking a step backwards. He turned his head to the right and sighed. I guiltily stared down into my lap. “I’m sorry.”

“What secrets are you keeping from me, Ren?”

“H-Huh?” I glanced up at him. Baekho turned back to face me.

“Are you sick?”

“No, of course not.” I replied. Baekho paused for a moment to think.

“Is it from the accident?” He asked, hitting the nail right on the head. I stared at him in stunned, horrified silence. Baekho gave me an annoyed look. “Why would you try to keep something like this from me? Do you know the risks we’re taking with using a model like you-”

“That’s why I kept it quiet!”

“Ren-”

“I have it under control.” I insisted.

“Do you?” Baekho’s question sounded contradictory.

“I do. It only happens when I get too excited, I promise-” I continued to ramble on in hopes of saving myself from Baekho’s wrath. He paused once again for a brief moment before removing his sunglasses, folding them and tucking them into his jacket pocket. He stared down at me with a curious, almost up to no good look in his eyes.

“When you get too excited?” He repeated my words, suddenly using them against me. My eyes grew wide in horror. Baekho sat down next to me on the hood of his car. I felt my heart start to loudly thump around inside of my tightening chest as Baekho leaned in even closer before whispering barely an inch away from my left ear. “Did I… excite you?”

THUD!

“Oh my god, Ren!” Baekho shrieked then leaned back to scrape me up off his car where I had momentarily lost consciousness and fell backwards. He sat me up, wrapping his right arm around my shoulders and holding me up while he held my chin up with his left. “Come on, Ren, wake up, I was just joking…”

“Huh…?” I murmured as my vision slowly started returning. I turned my head in Baekho’s palm and blankly looked at him. He seemed deeply worried. I paused for a second. Did I black out?

“Are you ok?”

“I think so… What happened?”

“You fainted.” Baekho replied. My heart sank. I immediately pulled away from him and buried my face into my knees, ashamed of myself. There was a moment of silence between us until Baekho finally spoke up. “How often does this happen?”

I remained silent.

“Ren.” Baekho scolded.

“Not often. Rarely… Like I said, it only ever happens when I get too excited or anxious. On stage I’m fine. It’s only ever happened around you and… It doesn’t matter who.” I said, sitting back up straight and turning to face him. “Just know that I have it under control for when it really matters.”

Baekho was silent for a moment before he nodded. “I’ll trust in you.”

“Thanks.” I murmured, feeling pretty crummy about myself.

“Does Jason know?” He suddenly asked. I shook my head.

“He only knows that I was in an accident. He doesn’t know the details or level of injuries I sustained and I want to keep it that way. I don’t want for any of this to get out about me in the public. My struggle to return back to normalcy or the people that lost their lives that day… It’s my burden that I want to carry with me to the grave.”

“I understand.”

“Dammit…” My eyes started to tear up, my voice shaking. Baekho turned to look at me. I quickly looked away and wiped my nose on my sleeve. “I hate showing this side of myself to people. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t the carefree Ren everyone loves and adores… This is the dark me, the side that has so many problems and insecurities-”

“Hey,” Baekho interrupted me. “You’re only human.” He reminded me. I sniffled then turned to him, slowly leaning in close and resting my head on his right shoulder for comfort. Baekho remained sitting still, staring out into the night time ocean in front of us. I shut my eyes while I started to think more and more about the possibility of a future with Baekho. The way I made Baekho’s heart beat was so surreal. It confirmed to me that he really did have feelings for me and he wasn’t just trying to get lucky. Then again, I never suspected the latter to be the case either. I watched as Baekho slid off the hood of the car and stood in front of me, holding his hand out to me to take. “I’ll take you home.”

“Ok.” I pathetically replied, taking his hand and allowing him to help me off his car. I followed him to the side where he pulled open the backseat door for me. I slightly bowed my head to thank him before climbing in. Baekho shut the door behind me then walked around the car, entering the driver’s seat. He fastened his seatbelt then started the car and turned around, driving onto the main road. For the next few hours the ride back had mostly been in silence. I didn’t know what to say to him. I was too humiliated after telling him to wait for me to make up my mind and then revealing to him one of my biggest insecurities – my blackouts. Baekho had been silent too, though I wasn’t sure if it was because of the failed romantic outing or if he was concerned about me. Either way, he was quiet and he didn’t force any small talk on me. I ended up closing my eyes and resting my head against the window and drifting off to sleep. I lost track of time. When I opened my eyes, the car was parked outside the front of my apartment building. I looked around inside of the car and found it empty. When I glanced outside of the window to my right, I saw Baekho standing outside and leaning on the side of the front passenger’s door. I reached for the door handle and propped it open, slowly climbing outside. Baekho immediately turned to face me. A small smile was plastered across his lips.

“Ah, good. I wasn’t quite sure how to wake you.” He replied. I furrowed my brows.

“How long have you been out here?” I asked. Baekho buried his fingertips into his pockets and turned away from me, exhaling deeply. I could see his breath in the cold winter air.

“Not long.” He quietly responded. There was a long period of silence between us. I shifted my gaze down to the concrete, wondering what to say next, if I should say anything. Today had just been full of so many ups and downs. Not to mention I was still embarrassed over blacking out in front of him and getting caught. Baekho must have sensed this and spoke up. “You don’t need to worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

I glanced up. “About which part?”

“All of it. The accident, the blackouts, the fact that I like you…” His voice trailed off sadly at the last part. “I’ll keep it all a secret.” He promised.

“Baekho,” I replied, feeling horrible that I didn’t know what to say to that. Instead of looking at me he shifted his gaze downwards. I reached for his right arm with my left, tugging at the sleeve of his jacket to grab his attention. “I didn’t tell you all of those things because you’re nothing to me. You’re not. Very few people outside of my family know this about me. For me to have let you in like that, just know that you’re someone I hold special to me.” I slowly said. Baekho stared at me with somewhat shocked eyes.

“I’m… special?” He asked. I nodded.

“Right now I’m trying to listen to what my heart is telling me because my brain is so confused. You made my heart race to the point where I out… If that isn’t enough of a sign that I like you, I don’t know what is.” I bluntly admitted, slightly blushing.

“You… you do like me?” Baekho asked, surprised.

“Baekho, I offered to spend Christmas Eve with you.” I nervously joked.

“But you asked for time…”

“I did. And I’m still asking for it. I need some time to figure some things out.”

“Like?” He asked.

“… Like if the feelings I’m experiencing for you are a result of Baekho, or Mr. Kim…” I awkwardly shifted my gaze away from him and to my right. “I know myself well enough to know that I’m prone to being star struck. But I’d feel horrible if the reason we started dating turned out to be because you’re him. I don’t want to end up hurting you.” I finally looked back at him.

“I see…” I could hear the pain in Baekho’s voice despite the fact that he was forcibly smiling. “Well then, I can understand that. I don’t want you to date me because I’m Mr. Kim. It’s never been my intention of doing so. That’s why I started talking to you, trying to spend more time with you. I purposely wanted you to see me as the person, Baekho, and not the designer, Mr. Kim… Do you want to know something, Ren? When I first saw you sitting in that audience the moment I revealed myself to the world and staring back at me with astonishment in your eyes, I saw something in you… like there was something to you that was deeper than surface level. I felt drawn to you and your mystery and I found myself wanting to figure you out. There was just something that was internally screaming to me that I would be a fool if I didn’t try to talk to you. Believe me when I tell you – as Baekho, not Mr. Kim – that I genuinely want to date you.”

“I know.” I sadly smiled at him. “I believe you. You were never the one I was worried about. But… I do want to try.”

“To move on or date?” Baekho asked for clarification.

“Maybe not dating, but… would it be okay if I called you and we spent more time together outside of work, getting to know each other a little more first? I feel like we know too little about each other. I mean, we see each other all of the time at Jason’s studio, but we can’t talk there for professional reasons and we’ve only met each other maybe a handful of times outside of work… The things you’ve already done for me in the timespan that we’ve known each other – I know you’re a great guy. But I’d like to know a little more before I give you a definite answer. Is that… okay?”

“So that’s what you meant when you told me it wasn’t a ‘no,’ but not a ‘yes’ either? In other words, we would be ‘talking’?” He asked me. I gloomily nodded.

“I understand if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not a bad idea.” Baekho surprisingly replied. “It makes sense to want to get to know the other person better first before dating.”

“Does that mean you’ll do it?” I apprehensively asked. Baekho turned to face me with a much lighter, happier expression on his face. He nodded.

“Let’s do it.” He optimistically replied. I exhaled a heavy sigh of relief, glad that he was being so understanding of me.

“Great!” I said before taking a few steps forward and standing directly in front of him. “That’s good to hear. A relief, actually. Ah, I feel like I’m flying right now!” I cheerfully replied. Baekho smiled widely at me. It was the same eye smile from the picture we had taken outside of Club Seoul. I found it somewhat of a comfort that he didn’t catch me staring while he was smiling for that brief moment.

“Are you really that happy?” He asked.

“I feel like I can say it now that it’s finally been cleared up. I like… being around you. Before, with the nervousness of not knowing whether or not you were being friendly or flirting, I drove myself crazy with my irrational thoughts so much that I was uncomfortable. But now that I know – that we both know that we’re interested in each other, it doesn’t have to be as stressful anymore.”

Baekho smiled once again. “I completely agree.” He replied then glanced up at my visible apartment door before glancing back down at me. “It’s already late and we both have work tomorrow. I should let you go.”

“Good idea. I’ll um… I’ll call you tomorrow then?” I nervously asked. Baekho smiled and nodded in agreement. I happily smiled back at him then awkwardly waved before quickly turning my back to him and running up the stairs to my apartment. I scrambled to unlock the door. As I pulled it open, I glanced down into the street to see Baekho still leaning against the side of his car, looking up at me and waiting to see me safely step inside before leaving. I awkwardly waved again then entered, quickly closing and locking the door behind me. I pressed my back against it and slowly slid all the way down to the floor. I exhaled deeply while blankly staring across at the wall on the opposite side of the living room. I pursed my lips together when JR suddenly entered the back of my mind. I sullenly shifted my gaze down to the floor, feeling somewhat torn about the recent events that had just occurred. My heart was both excited but heavy. Something great had just happened to me – Baekho and I were now ‘talking’ with the possible intention of dating. But at the same time, I was forlorn because talking to Baekho meant something that I was afraid of letting go of – the notion of JR and I ever possibly meeting again and being anything but friends… and maybe not even that.

I leaned the back of my head against the door and stared up into the ceiling, starting to weigh the pros and cons of Baekho and JR. Baekho treated me like a gentleman and protected me in many situations. JR too treated me like a gentleman, but he was also the cause of many of my dilemmas. Baekho was mysterious, handsome, y even… JR was dorky, shy, but earnest – and that in itself was also deeply attractive. But what really set them apart wasn’t their personalities, but their actions. Baekho made it very clear of his intent to want to date me. JR never did. Instead, JR kept me running around in circles, never fully admitting to me what we were, despite passionately kissing me. In the end, he made me feel as if I had been played… but even still, I just couldn’t forget all of those good times we shared.

I stood up and traveled down the hallway, stepping into my room. I sat on the edge of my bed and over at the patched up wall from the hole that occurred from that night when I drunkenly shoved his head through it. I stood back up and stopped in front of my closet, tearing open the door and rummaging through all my hanging clothes and not stopping until I found the House of Kim suit that JR had sent Dambi to deliver to me the night we stalked Baekho at his hotel. I had been regrettably drunkenly passed out when he had removed Jason’s precious suit from my body. I thought of all of the awkward but fun experiences I had put him through as I stared at the suit with silent tears flooding the corners of my eyes. I tore the suit from its hanger and carried it with me as I marched back down the hallway and into the small kitchen where I knelt down and opened a bottom cabinet, taking out a garbage bag and shoving it inside.

JR… I miss you… but… I can’t keep doing this to myself. I really, really hoped that you would come back, but you never did. I guess I was just too naïve to think because we were such good friends and got along so well together that we would never work out…

I took the bag and walked over towards my garbage bin where I held it over its opening. Despite wanting to toss it, my fingers were firmly gripped around the bag, opposing me. When I realized I couldn’t throw it away, I screamed then angrily marched into my living room and threw the bag into the corner. It hit the wall and slid all the way down to the floor. I stepped back into my room and flopped onto my bed on my stomach, burying my face into my pillow. My thoughts turned back towards Baekho. Baekho was such a good guy… He promised to take care of me and to never hurt me like JR did… It was possible to be happy in a relationship with someone like him. I just needed to give him that chance to prove it to me. I liked him. But I was also afraid of not being able to differentiate whether that liking came from Baekho or Mr. Kim. The like that I felt for him… it was different. And maybe that’s why it confused me when Minhyun had first brought it up to my attention. With JR, it was a crazy, wild, fun feeling. But with Baekho, it was a nervous, paranoid, butterfly type of feeling. I actually felt shy in front of Baekho. I had never really felt that way in front of JR – of course, since JR had always been the shy one. When it came to Baekho, it was flattering to have someone like him like me, but at the same time, worrisome because I was afraid of messing up somehow or damaging his image. In a way, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. But that was the Mr. Kim side of him that made me feel that way. Baekho himself was a fun enough guy to be around, and the way he had whispered into my ear earlier made me feel things ually that I hadn’t felt in a long time – so much, in fact, that I had out. I rolled onto my back and stared at my ceiling fan spinning around in circles. What were my real feelings towards Baekho? I supposed that I would have to wait a little while longer for the answer to my question.    

 

 

The next day at JA Style, during the entire rehearsal time Jason repeatedly drilled us on the routine for the collaboration fashion show that was fast approaching. Aron seemed to be diligently pouring his heart out each time we ran through the drill, never complaining when Jason would stop us in the middle of a set to tell us to start over. Minhyun so far proved to be Aron’s biggest source of support, constantly giving him pointers and positioning his shoulders and hips whenever his walk was awkward. Looking at the way Minhyun carried himself these days, it almost seemed like losing his spot had a positive effect on him. Minhyun seemed to be well-rested and in fact even friendlier than before. As he had promised Baekho, he was giving it his all and was determined to help Aron look good on the runway in time for the show. So far, Aron seemed promising. At the end of the practice, Jason held a quick meeting before dismissing us. Sitting beside his feet on the floor was a big box full of small, white envelopes. He knelt down and started distributing them amongst the models. After everyone had theirs, Jason finally made an announcement.

“These are invitations to the JA Style X House of Kim fashion show. Each of you will only receive one. Choose your guests wisely.” He replied then dismissed us, leaving the room first. I stared down at the invitation, wondering who it was I should invite. The one person I would have thought to invite first was no longer in my life anymore, so I was at a loss of what to do.

“Tcht. These invites are always so trivial and cliché.” Minhyun said with his head held up high. I glanced over at him.

“You mean you’re not inviting anyone? Not even your family?” I asked him. A dark look suddenly washed over Minhyun’s face as he glanced downwards.

“Why should I? It’s not like they would come.” Minhyun muttered.

“What do you mean?” I asked. Aron suddenly leaned over to answer my question.

“His parents are business people – they’re in a new country each week, it seems. And his sister-”

“I have no sister.” Minhyun bitterly cut him off, angrily folding his arms across his chest. I stared at him.

“Do you not get along with her?” I asked. Minhyun arrogantly turned his head away from me.

“I get along just fine, thank you. The problem is hers and hers alone.” He replied. Aron awkwardly glanced at me.

“She denies any acknowledgement of Min. She’s never really accepted his career of choice.” He sadly replied. I sympathetically stared at Minhyun.

“Sorry to hear that…”

“Whatever, it’s old news.” Minhyun said, quickly dismissing the topic of his sister. I glanced back over at Aron.

“What about you? Are you inviting anyone?” I asked him, trying to shift the conversation off Minhyun. Aron sighed.

“Nope. Family’s all back in LA. And besides, even if I did, it’s one invitation. Knowing them, they’d all fight over who gets to go. I’m preventing a possible blood bath.” Aron joked to mask his own disappointment. “What about you? You inviting anyone?”

“My parents aren’t interested in going to things like this…” My voice trailed off as I suddenly thought of one person I could potentially invite. “I suppose I could invite my brother…” We had slowly started talking again due to my mom’s influence of telling me we needed to reconnect lately. I had originally been the one to shut Minseok out of my life because whenever we had talked in the past, he only ever wanted to talk about the accident. But when I recently called him, however, he didn’t even bring it up, as if he had known that’s what caused the drift between us.

“You should bring him. I curious to see what this brother of yours looks like, after all.” Minhyun replied, sounding deeply intrigued. I laughed.

“Minseok’s friends used to tell me all the time how much I resembled a younger, softer version of him. So I guess not much different than me, except a bit rougher and older than me.”

“Rougher?” Minhyun asked. Aron grinned.

“I bet the word he’s looking for is ‘manlier.’” Aron teased.

“I will kill you.” I shot back.

“Bring it.” Aron retaliated.

“You two are such children.” Minhyun groaned. Aron chuckled then silently shook his head, dismissing Minhyun’s words. I smiled then waved.

“I’m going to get going. See you guys later.” I replied. Aron and Minhyun both nodded and waved back, staying in the practice room as I left. As I walked down the stairs to the store level of Jason’s studio, I reached into my pocket and removed my phone. I pulled up my older brother’s contact on the screen and stared at it after taking the last step on the staircase. I glanced down at the invitation still in my left hand. I wondered if I should call him… I sighed then forced myself to tap the call button. I’d never know if he would want to go if I never asked. The phone rang several times. When I was sure I would be sent to voice mail, I suddenly heard the sound of my brother’s hushed voice on the other end of the phone.

“Minki?” Although his voice sounded quieter than usual, he seemed surprised to see that I was calling him. I raised a brow, confused.

“Are you in lecture right now?” I asked, well aware that he was a professor at Seoul University and that it was almost impossible not to catch him in the middle of one of his lectures. I also knew that he was bold enough to answer his phone in front of his entire class, not afraid to have a full twenty minute conversation while his students all sat and stared at him, listening in.

“Ah, nothing gets by you, does it?” His voice lightened up before suddenly growing more serious. “Are you okay?” He asked, sounding worried.

“Why do you assume something is wrong?” I asked, somewhat offended.

“You don’t call often.”

“I’m busy these days.” I quickly covered my tracks, feeling guilty. “Anyways, you know how I told you how I’m modeling for the JA Style and House of Kim collaboration? I have this invitation…” My voice awkwardly trailed off. “I know mom and dad wouldn’t want to go, and it would be a shame for it to go to waste-” I started to ramble when Minseok suddenly cut me off.

“When is it?” He asked. I blinked, somewhat surprised by his answer. Was he actually considering going?

“U-Uh, it’s December 26^th.” I nervously replied. Minseok groaned.

“I have a meeting with a publisher who’s going to print my latest research…” Minseok’s voice trailed off, disappointed. I frowned, feeling somewhat bummed. I hadn’t expected him to go anyways, even if I secretly did kind of hope he would. But I didn’t want him to know my disappointment.

“I understand, it was really short notice anyways.” I replied, getting ready to hang up the phone when Minseok quickly spoke up.

“How about I treat you to a meal afterwards? You know, to celebrate your milestone. Are you still passionate about food?” Minseok asked, clearly trying. I paused for a moment after realizing this. I lightly smiled.

“Yeah, sounds good.” I replied, appreciating his effort to make time for me. We both said our goodbyes and then I hung up and stepped out of JA Style. I walked towards the bus stop at the end of the street and played on my phone as I waited at the station. I pulled up Baekho’s contact information and tapped the empty icon beside his number. My gallery app launched and took me to my images where I paused as I came across the photo of the both of us outside of Club Seoul. To my surprise I found myself smiling as I stared at the picture. When I realized this I placed my index finger on my lips then lightly laughed at myself. Maybe moving on wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all… I tapped on the picture and selected it as Baekho’s profile picture for whenever he called or texted me. The bus suddenly pulled up beside me. I glanced up from my phone and shoved it in my pocket with a small smile still spread across my lips as I climbed on board and took a seat with my thoughts in the clouds the entire ride home.

 

 

Later that evening I laid on my back on my bed with a paper face mask on, staring up at the ceiling as I waited to complete my nightly skin care routine. While waiting, I pulled out my phone with Baekho’s contact information, staring at the picture of us I had used as his icon. I observed how happy we both appeared, even though when the picture was first taken we weren’t anything other than friends. Guilt started to boil down in the bottom of my stomach with thoughts of JR at the back of my mind. I frowned. No, there’s no shame in trying to move on. You gave JR plenty of time and plenty of chances to come back or at least attempt to make things right, only he never took it and disappeared from your life. At this point, you’re no longer obligated to wait for happiness, especially when a new shot at happiness is knocking on your front door this very moment. But I still couldn’t just jump right in to a new relationship. I still felt there was so much more to Baekho that I not so much as wanted, but needed to find out about him first. There were so many unanswered questions I had of him, thanks to Minhyun who had pointed them out. Why was there an air of cluelessness around Baekho? Why did he act like a completely different person whenever Jason was around? Was Baekho being blackmailed? I finally tapped the call icon and the phone started ringing briefly before he picked up.

“I’m surprised to be hearing from you.” Baekho’s voice poured out through the phone.

“I said I would call, didn’t I?”

“You did.” Baekho chuckled. “I’m just surprised you did is all.”

I playfully scoffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“After all that happened yesterday, I had my doubts when you said you would call me today, is all.” Baekho replied.

“As if! I’m still bold as ever.”

“That you are.” He laughed at me.

“As long as you still acknowledge it.” I teased.

“Did anything interesting happen at JA Style studio today in my absence?” He asked, trying to strike up a conversation seeing as our small talk could only go so far. Now that the fashion line had been completed and Jason was back, Baekho had stopped showing up. Not that he needed to be there, anyways. We were simply just fine-tuning the run of the show and practicing, something which he probably had little interest or time in.

“Nothing other than we received our one invitations to the show. It seems mine will be going to waste after all.” I replied.

“Oh? Why so?” He asked.

“Well, you’re already going to be there.” I joked and Baekho chuckled.

“That I will. Are you sure you have nobody else to invite? What about your brother?”

“I asked. He already has prior obligations, but he’ll be meeting up with me after the show is over.” I wasn’t sure if I was reassuring Baekho or myself that I wasn’t so pathetic not having someone to come and watch me display one of the biggest achievements of my life.

“Really?” Baekho asked, sounding increasingly curious. “The older Choi brother. I’d like to have the pleasure of meeting him someday.” He surprisingly said.

“You do? Why?” I bluntly asked, making Baekho laugh.

“You sound like you miss him whenever you speak of him, and when you do, you’ve only spoken good words about him despite your falling out with him. I’d like to have a face to go with the name.” Baekho explained, making me pause. Did I really miss Minseok that much without even knowing it?

“Ah, well, he’s taking me out to dinner after the show, if you’d like to join us then? I’m sure Minseok won’t mind. In fact, he’s still skeptical that I know you, let alone that I’m modeling for you or even that we’re… you know, ‘talking.’” I nervously replied.

“There will be press talks after the show, something I unfortunately can’t get out of. But if the two of you wouldn’t mind waiting, I’d love to meet you there at the restaurant?” He asked, sounding hopeful. I smiled.

“Sure, we don’t mind.”

“That’s a relief.” He happily replied. I thought back to the moment in time where Baekho had drove me from the hospital when Jason had been hospitalized and we had been talking inside of his car. I remembered how sad and miserable he seemed in private versus how he appeared to be now. Was his sudden lift in spirits because of me? A sheepish smile slowly spread across my lips.

“Hey, Baekho?” I suddenly asked while rolling onto my stomach on the bed and bending my knees, swinging my legs up in the air behind me.

“Hmm?”

“I have an idea, something that can help us get to know each other a little better.” I replied.

“What is it?” He curiously asked.

“How about each day we both ask each other one question about ourselves that we have to answer truthfully, no matter what?” I asked. Baekho chuckled.

“Sounds good to me. Do you want to start or should I?” He didn’t even hesitate to ask.

“You go first.” I replied, eager to hear what he could come up with to ask me. I could hear his voice hum over the other end of the line as he searched his brain for a possible question to ask me.

“Ah! Here’s one. What’s something you do that makes you happy?” Baekho finally asked. His question made me pause for several moments to think. What did I ever do that made me happy? Aside from work, I had little to no free time to enjoy doing things on my own. But that didn’t sound right nor truthful. That was like saying I had been unhappy since I started working for JA Style. Sure, there were times when Minhyun and Aron might have made me want to kill myself in the past. But during that time, what had I done to cheer myself up and keep me going? I froze when a sudden thought occurred to me: I visited him. I called, texted, arranged, and even sometimes just showed up unannounced to JR’s doorstep. I frowned as I tried to think of something else that didn’t involve JR. Music? I suddenly thought of the Apink concert that we had been to together before thinking back to the pair of headphones he used… Dammit, was there nothing that didn’t remind me of JR?

“I don’t really have something that makes me happy…” My voice trailed off uncomfortably.

“What about a place?” He asked. I blinked.

“A place?”

“Yeah, like where’s somewhere you would go to just get away from it all if you could?”

“Busan.” I instantly replied without much thought or effort.

“Busan? Why there?” Baekho asked. I slowly pulled myself up and sat with my legs crossed on top of the bed.

“Because that’s where I’m from.” I calmly replied as I closed my eyes and imagined being on the beach shore, picturing the waves and the sound of seagulls in the back of my mind.

“I thought you were from Seoul.” Baekho replied, sounding both confused but interested in this new information about me.

“I am from Seoul. But I was born in Busan. So was my brother and my parents. In fact, my paternal grandparents still live there in the same old house – they haven’t moved in decades. When asked why, they said it was so that everyone could always find their way back home. I haven’t visited them in years, but I’ve always felt it to be my safe or happy place where I could visit without reason and be taken care of unconditionally.”

“That sounds nice to have a second home to return to.” Baekho replied. I suddenly panicked.

“I didn’t mean it like that – I’m so sorry, Baekho-”

“Neither did I. Just saying things out loud, sorry. Both sets of grandparents passed away when I was a child, so I never really had a second home to return to. I just have this one.” Baekho’s voice grew quieter.

“What about you? What’s something that makes you happy?” I asked. There was a silent pause on the other end of the line before Baekho nervously laughed.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yeah, tell me.”

“Spending time with you.” He admitted. I felt the temperature of my cheeks rise beneath my cold wet face mask as I found myself blushing. I fanned myself with my left hand.

“That was so cheesy.” I . Baekho laughed again.

“Hey, you asked.”

“I did.”

“Ren, it’s getting late. I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go now, but it was nice getting to talk to you. Thank you for calling me.”

“Oh, come on, now. I said I would.”

“Talk again soon?” He asked, hopefully. I smiled.

“Soon.”

“Good night, Ren.”

“Good night, Baekho.” I softly said then hung up the phone and placed it down on the bed beside me. I swung my legs from around the edge and stood up and walked back into the bathroom, peeling off the face mask. Once it was gone I stared at my reflection in the mirror. With every little thing reminding me of him, I knew that it was going to be difficult to get over JR. But I at least had to try.

 

 

The next day after practice, as I was leaving the locker room Aron had stopped me, asking for a moment of my time to speak in private. The two of us walked out and sat down in a couple of vacant chairs in the lobby and faced each other. We sat for a couple of seconds in an awkward silence as Aron struggled to come up with a way to talk about whatever it was he seemed to want to discuss with me. An uncomfortable look spread across his face as he sunk into his shoulders. Finally he pressed his lips together and sighed.

“You know how I’ve been meeting with Dambi noona lately after getting done here?” Aron asked. I nodded then smiled.

“Yeah, for extra training. How’s it going, by the way?” I asked, genuinely interested to hear how Dambi’s mentoring was influencing him. Although she was a tough coach, she was fair. If someone like me was able to improve from under her wing, so could Aron. Aron quickly nodded.

“It’s going great, but that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.” He replied. I furrowed my brows in confusion and tilted my head slightly to the side.

“It’s not?”

“So, don’t get mad and overreact when I tell you this, ok?” Aron warned. I stared at him. What was he talking about? Get mad?

“No promises. Now, what?” I asked impatiently.

“I sorta kinda started asking her about JR.” He replied. My eyes grew wide in shock as his words processed in the back of my mind.

“You did what???” I exclaimed. Aron leaned towards me in his chair.

“You said you wouldn’t get mad.”

“I said no promises!” I angrily shot back, frustrated. I brought my right hand to my face and ran my fingers through my bangs. “Aron, how could you do that? I told you not to get involved!” I scolded. Aron defensively brought both hands up in front of him, shielding himself from me just in case I were to decide to lash out at him.

“I can’t be the only one curious about what’s happened to him since the two of you had your fallout – am I?” He asked and I paused. Aron shook his head. “It’s like he’s completely dropped off the face of the earth since then. I’ve tried calling and texting him but his number’s been disconnected.” Aron explained. My heart sunk when I heard that last bit of information.

“Disconnected?” I asked, my body growing numb from shock. My bottom lip trembled. “Why are you… why did you try calling him?”

Aron frowned. “He was my friend too – or at least he had intended to be. Before your fight, we had actually started getting along… Anyways, I got curious and asked Dambi about it.”

“And what did she say?” I asked while trying not to look affected even though deep down I felt utterly dejected.

“She said he’s even moved out.” He replied. I stared at him with wide eyes and froze.

“H-He what?” I stuttered, suddenly finding it hard to breathe as the walls of my chest constricted tightly. He moved away? All because we fought? Was that… was that why he never returned to fix things, because he had moved? My heart ached immensely. I felt somewhat betrayed by the news that JR would rather go through the effort of moving away and hiding than to face me again.

“Yeah… She said he’s accepted some new job offer that made him move. From what I hear, he didn’t move too far away. Just somewhere bigger and nicer. I guess that new job of his pays pretty well, better than a blog writer’s salary, anyways.” Aron seemed to ramble but I tuned him out. How could I possibly focus after hearing something as crushing as finding out JR had changed his number and his address? The corners of my eyes began to tear up and my bottom lip continued to tremble as I fought to keep myself composed. Aron’s ramblings came to a stop once he noticed the look of heartbreak on my face. He stood up from the chair and took a couple of steps closer to me, stopping directly in front and staring down at me. “You… okay?” He slowly and cautiously asked. I silently shook my head.

“Did he really hate me that much…?” My voice trembled.

“Ren…”

“I can’t believe it… I refuse to believe it. Those times he kissed me… Why would he have done that if he hated me? Why would he have asked me to wait all those times in the past if he was only intending to run away later? Dammit!” I heavily slammed my hand down on the armrest. As I did so, silent tears spilled from the corners of my eyes and trickled down both sides of my face. Aron quietly reached forward and pulled me into him, slowly patting me on my back in a comforting motion. I buried my face into his stomach and softly cried for a couple of minutes when the pain and hurt became too much to bear. Upon realizing and hating the fact that I was crying in public over someone who I had vowed not to cry over ever again, I forced myself to stop and I pulled away from Aron and sniffled my nose.

“I’m sorry I brought it up. I just… thought that you should know.” Aron apologized.

“Why would you ever think it would be a good idea to bring it up to me?” I asked in disbelief, trying to understand him. Surely he had some idea in his head of how I might react to news about JR, surely.

“In case you ever tried calling or visiting him for yourself.” Aron replied. I quickly stood up from my seat, forcing Aron to back up a couple of steps away from me. I narrowed my eyes and stared at him.

“And why would I ever do that?” I darkly asked him before turning my head away to avoid making further eye contact with him. “I’m moving on. I’m currently talking to someone, so it’s of no importance to me whatever JR’s doing.”

“Sorry. It was stupid of me. I just thought that if it had happened to me and Min, well… I’d want to know.”

“We were different from you and Minhyun. The two of you declared yourselves a couple somewhere down the line – that was something JR and I never did.”

“I call bull.” Aron bluntly replied, forcing me to angrily look back at him.

“Call it whatever you want. I know the truth-”

“Do you?” Aron judgmentally asked. “The truth is, the two of you were best friends. That’s how we started too, until I wormed my way up there in Min’s life to a romantic status, just exactly like how you did with JR. Let me ask you something, Ren, do you really think we’re any different than you and JR were? You think Min’s always been the stone-cold bastard he seems to be? You know why he’s like that? Because he’s sensitive. It’s because its his only way of defending himself. We’ve been dating for years and I’ve only now just moved in with him, not because I’ve never asked, but because he’s always been the shy one. Maybe running away is JR’s defense mechanism, who knows? But I do know that if you don’t stick around to find out, you might just be walking away from possibly one of the best things that will ever happen to you in your life.”

“You called me out for bull – Minhyun, shy? I’ve seen the two of you practically almost have in clubs!”

“Hormones mixed with alcohol and romance are two completely different things, Ren.”

“JR’s the one that walked away. He’s the one that hurt me. Why am I supposed to be the one that chases him when I’ve only been the one doing it since I met him?! Why can’t he chase me? Why am I supposed to keep waiting???”

“I get what you’re saying. I waited forever for Minhyun. And that time he broke up with me, I felt fed up. I had invested so much time in the chase – friendship, romantic partners – and the way he just kicked me to the curb… it hurt. I almost didn’t want to go back. I thought that if he couldn’t appreciate me for all my effort I put into our relationship, he didn’t deserve me. But that was until you told me to go and talk to him. Why? Because he had to have had a reason for doing what he did. And he did, didn’t he? He did it to motivate me. And it worked, didn’t it? I mean, look at where I’m at now. Months ago this would have never been possible. But here I am, huh? So that’s what I’m trying to say – maybe JR did what he did for a reason. Maybe everything is just leading up to one big cause that he’s planning on revealing later. But you’ll never know if you just give up.”

“I already told you, I’m talking to someone right now…” My bottom lip began to tremble as I started to realize Aron’s words might hold some truth in them.

“So? Who cares? Talking is just talking! There’s no promise, no commitment in talking.” Aron replied. “You’re not obligated to go to him.”

“There isn’t, is there…?” My voice trailed off before I quickly cleared my throat. “The same way I’m not obligated to wait for someone who keeps breaking my heart.” Aron sadly smiled at me before bringing his right hand up and patting me on my right shoulder.

“I can only give you advice. You do what’s right for you.” He said before removing his hand and walking past me and traveling from the lobby to the shop level downstairs, leaving me completely alone.

“If only I knew what that was…”

 

 

Baekho’s POV

When I woke up, I rolled onto my back in bed and held my phone up in front of me to check the date. It was December 24^th, Christmas Eve. A small smile stretched across my lips as I recalled the promise Ren had made that he would spend the evening with me. I wondered if he was still intent on keeping that promise. I rose out of bed and took a shower and dressed down in a pair of designer baggy blue jeans and a white t-shirt underneath a flannel red and white plaid long sleeve shirt. I slid on a few silver and chrome bracelets over my wrists and a baggy black beanie over my head, styling part of my bangs out and up from underneath the hat. I walked into the dining room and stood in front of the back screen door, pulling open the curtains to observe the delicate blanket of white snow that had spread across my entire backyard. I smiled faintly before letting the curtains fall back closed and turning my back to them and making my way into the living room where I sat down and flipped the TV on. There were nothing but Christmas specials on. I settled on watching an American movie about a college kid trying to get home for Christmas and encountering several mishaps getting there. Although most of the movie had put a smile on my face, it was bittersweet, just like every other Christmas or Christmas Eve without my family. When the movie finished I turned the TV off and walked over to a book shelf on the side wall, removing some of the manuals that JR had left for me over how to become Mr. Kim. I sat back down on the couch and flipped through them, reviewing myself over expected interview questions in preparation for the show that was to occur in two days. I was nervous, despite not having much to worry about since it had already been decided that it would mainly be Jason doing all the talking. But even still, I wanted to be ready. I suddenly paused as a thought occurred to me: was I really concerned about being ready, or was I just trying to distract myself from the yearly holiday blues I experienced?

I shut the manuals closed and stood back up again, returning them to the shelves and sighing. Well, this year would be different, wouldn’t it? This year I wouldn’t have to be alone. Not being alone meant not having to dwell about missing my parents. I glanced down at my watch. It was already 2 PM. Ren wouldn’t be getting out of practice until 3 PM. I would have to be patient until then. I traveled over towards my kitchen counter and leaned on it while scrolling on my phone, looking into possible ideas over what we could do tonight. I couldn’t imagine that staying indoors could be too much fun. And with so many people outside on a night like tonight, it would be difficult for reporters to catch us, making it somewhat safer and easier for us to be out. I came across an article about a Christmas lights display outside of the COEX Mall here in Gangnam. It read that there would be a Christmas tree, Santa’s house and workshop, and a tunnel of lights. Although it sounded somewhat childish, it was something I could see someone like Ren enjoying, mostly because it was a free event. I chuckled as I remembered the fuss he had put up over the cost of the boat I had rented. I now understood that with Ren, I wouldn’t have to use money to impress him.

About an hour later after Ren had gotten out from practice, he called me to ask if I still wanted him to come over. I struggled to sound cool and collected even though I was excited to have him over. After I had confirmed, he told me that he would be straight over after he went home, showered and changed and that it would be at least another hour until he would arrive. I waited patiently – or rather, tried. I walked and nervously paced around the entire house waiting for him to get here. Finally after what felt like an eternity, my front doorbell rang. I sped to the door and paused for several seconds to collect myself before unlocking and pulling it open to reveal the smiling blonde standing on my front doorstep. He was wearing a white leather jacket with a loose black cowl neck shirt underneath and matching black skinny jeans and boots. I smiled back at him and stepped to the side, allowing him to enter. He slipped out of his boots in the entryway and neatly lined them up against the wall before stepping into my living room, sitting down and making himself comfortable.

“It wasn’t difficult getting here?” I asked him in attempt to make small talk. Ren shook his head.

“If you’re asking if I was careful, I was. I did the same thing I did last time. I had the taxi drop me off further down the street and walked the rest of the way here.” Ren teased me. I smiled.

“That’s good to hear. How was practice?” As I asked this Ren groaned and threw his head back on the couch. I awkwardly laughed. “That bad?”

“Jason’s trying to kill us!” Ren exclaimed.

“I believe Jason is secretly trying to kill us all.” I carelessly replied. Ren suddenly paused before quickly sitting back up straight and giving me a rather suspicious look.

“What do you mean by that?” He asked. I briefly panicked while trying to come up with something to say.

“Jason’s mind is like the wind – it changes direction without whim.” I replied. Ren continued staring at me, almost as if studying me for some unknown reason.

“Yeah… I guess so.” He finally replied. “I thought you were going to tell me something like you and him don’t get along.” He said. I forcefully smiled at him.

“Now where would you get an idea like that?” I lied then turned my back to him and walked into the kitchen to escape from the conversation. “Do you want anything to drink?” I called back to him.

“No, thanks. I don’t know… It’s just a feeling I got. Maybe I was wrong.” I heard Ren’s voice call out from the living room. I returned with a glass of water in my hand even though I wasn’t thirsty.

“I take it Jason isn’t going easy on you guys.”

Ren scoffed. “You think he would so close to show time? He wasn’t this crazy the last time. This show really must be a big deal to him like he said. He isn’t playing around at all.”

“And you? Are you ready for it?” I asked him. Ren grinned.

“As ready as I’ll ever be!” He gave me an enthusiastic thumbs-up sign before chuckling. I smiled back at him. Ren suddenly paused. “And you? Are you ready for it, Mr. Kim?” He teased. I decided to let it slide rather than get worked up about him calling me that title outside of work.

“Of course. I’m a professional, aren’t I?” I replied. Ren pouted.

“You don’t have to be so serious about it, geeze.”

I laughed. “You’re the one that’s being serious about it. I’m ready. I’m ready to be wowed by your performance.” I lightly flirted with him and watched as he suddenly grew embarrassed.

“I’m not the Top Model.”

“But you are a headliner. It’s still an accomplishment in itself. Be proud.”

“I am.” Ren smiled at me before nervously looking away. “So here I am… like I promised, on Christmas Eve… Sorry, I don’t have the slightest idea of what to do. Truthfully I’m a little nervous being here like this…” He said as he stared into his lap.

“Then let’s go out.” I replied, making Ren glance up at me.

“Huh?”

“It’s being here alone with me that’s making you nervous, isn’t it? Then let’s go out. We don’t need to be here if it’s making you uncomfortable.”

“But what about getting caught?” Ren cautiously asked.

“Christmas Eve is one of the liveliest nights and everyone is out. Trust me, no one is going to catch us.” I reassured him and watched him relax as he realized I was probably right.

“Where should we go?” He asked me.

“I have an idea. Just follow me.” I replied, setting down the glass of water on the coffee table. I held out my hand for Ren to take and helped him up. He followed me to the front door where we both stepped into our shoes and I put on a thick black hoodie. Before opening the door I stared down at the black Mr. Kim sunglasses that were resting on the table next to me. I debated on whether or not to take them. With as much as they were supposed to hide my identity, I found they did the opposite and made me easier to recognize. Ren could tell I was struggling on making a decision.

“It’s not like you have some contract where you’re required to wear them, right?” He joked. I awkwardly smiled.

“Of course not.” I lied.

“I think you’ll be fine without them for one evening. Besides, even I hardly recognize you like this.” Ren reassured me. I nodded then snatched my keys beside the glasses, opting to leave them at home instead. Ren followed me outside where I locked up and the two of us climbed inside my car. I the engine and shifted gears and drove outside the gate, not stopping until I reached the guarded security checkpoint. After leaving the neighborhood I drove us all the way down to the COEX Mall. As we were pulling up, Ren happened to catch a glimpse of all the lighted displays set up outside of the mall. He gasped as he eagerly stared out of the backseat window.

“That’s where we’re going.” I said as I drove the car into the parking garage. Ren cheerfully turned around in his seat to look up at me in the front.

“Really? Are you serious?”

“Why? You don’t want to go?” I . Ren hysterically shook his head.

“No, I love Christmas lights!” He happily exclaimed, bouncing up and down in his seat like a small child would. I smiled at how my prediction about him had been accurate. As I found a spot I quickly parked the car and the two of us climbed out. Ren was smiling from ear to ear as he walked beside me and we exited the garage on foot. When we approached the square in front of the mall, we stepped into a maze of people standing around taking in the light displays and taking pictures. Ren pointed at one of the displays that had been set up to resemble Santa’s workshop and excitedly ran up to it, leaving me behind. When I caught up to him, he had already taken his phone out to snap a picture and motioned to me with his hand to join him. I quickly hurried up to him and stood by his side. Ren leaned in and pressed his body on mine, nuzzling the side of his face against my right cheek and surprising me. I warmly smiled, enjoying every minute of this closeness with him as I looked at Ren’s phone and he took the picture with the light display in the background. After taking the picture he pulled away and pointed at the small light house beside us.

“Want to go in?” I asked. Ren eagerly nodded. “Let’s go.” I said, sliding my arm and linking it around his. Ren gave me a surprised look for a brief moment before nervously smiling back and walking with me. Outside of the light house there was a short line of people waiting to go in and take pictures. The two of us waited in silence, enjoying each other’s company until it was our turn to enter. While waiting in line, I could see inside of the small house there was a fake fireplace with several hanging stockings and big present boxes stacked around it. As we were entering, the couple in front of us had handed Ren one of their phones, asking for him to take a picture of them. Ren, being the type of person he was, smiled and agreed without hesitation, taking the picture for them. As he handed it back to the girl she offered to take one of us for us, catching Ren off guard. He gave her a surprised, shocked look, freezing up. I smiled and dug my phone out of my pocket and handed it to her, taking her up on her offer. I dragged Ren several feet in front of the fake fireplace, snapping him out of his trance. “Smile.” I whispered to him and he quickly did and the girl took the picture. She handed it back to me with a smile then left, neither her nor her boyfriend recognizing who either of us were. After we took the picture, we exited the small light house and I followed Ren towards the large lighted Christmas tree that stood in the center of the shopping square.

“It’s so beautiful…” Ren said as he stared up at the lights admiringly.

“It is.” I stared at him while he kept his gaze up at the tall tree. Ren finally glanced down and caught me watching him, having no idea that I had been referring to him and not the tree itself in front of him. He warmly smiled at me.

“It was a great idea to come here. I’m glad you brought me with you.” He replied, glancing back up at the tree. After a couple of more minutes standing in front of the tree, I finally tore him away and led him towards the short tunnel of lights with our arms linked once again. We walked through the tunnel together, the entire time Ren was in awe. Once we reached the end, I stopped in place and released Ren’s arm and instead placed both hands on his shoulders as I looked him straight in the eyes.

“Want to know a secret about this place?” I asked him. Ren gave me a skeptical look then smirked.

“A secret about here, a makeshift light tunnel that comes around yearly?” He chuckled. I nodded.

“Do you know it?” I said, smiling. Ren shook his head.

“Of course not.”

“That’s because it’s a secret.” I teased.

“Tell me!” Ren pouted. I nodded.

“Since I brought you all the way here, I’ll tell you.” I replied, watching the enlightened look on Ren’s face, eager to hear my so-called secret. “Rumor has it that if you stand at this end of the tunnel, hold your breath and close your eyes until the count of five, when you open them you’ll see the one person you wish to see the most standing at the opposite end.”

“Heyyy…” Ren said in disbelief, chuckling.

“It’s true! Do you want to try it?” I asked him. Ren rolled his eyes then laughed and nodded, humoring me. “Ok, close your eyes, hold your breath and count to ten.” I replied. Ren quickly shut his eyes, doing as he was told. Once I was sure they were closed I quickly ran to the other end of the tunnel and waited. When Ren must have counted to five, he opened his eyes. I raised both arms in the air beside me and smiled. “See?!” I shouted across the tunnel. Ren broke out into a fit of laughter, covering his mouth with his hand.

“I didn’t know you were this lame!” Ren shouted back with a smile. I ran back across the tunnel to rejoin him.

“I told you it would work.” I replied. Ren softly hit my chest, looking away with an embarrassed look on his face. As I was about to speak again, suddenly my cellphone rang in my pocket, distracting the both of us. I glanced down and removed it, reading the screen. I sighed heavily and gave Ren a regretful look. “It’s Jason.”

“Answer it. It’s work calling. I understand.” Ren replied.

“Thanks for being understanding.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait right here.” He reassured me. I mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ to him as I picked up the call, hurriedly exiting the tunnel of lights without him. I stopped in front of the lighted Christmas tree with the phone pressed up against my ear.

“Jason, it’s late. What do you need?”

“The real Mr. Kim.”

“Sorry to disappoint, but it appears you have the wrong number.” I replied, about to hang up on him when Jason quickly spoke up, preventing me from doing so.

“I do. It appears the real one must have changed his old number. I can’t get ahold of him. It’s two nights before the freaking show and I can’t freaking get ahold of him! I’m losing my mind here right now. That little brat! Who does he think he is, changing his number on me all of a sudden?!” Jason replied, sounding deeply panicked.

“What do you want me to do about it? It’s not like I have or know his new number.” I quickly replied, in a hurry to get back to Ren.

“I don’t know!” Jason screamed then broke down into sobs, surprising me. I froze. This was the first time I had ever heard him cry. In fact, I was stunned to find out that a person like him even could. “I don’t know what to do, Baekho!” He exclaimed. It appeared he was having a mental breakdown.

“Calm down.” I replied. As much as I hated the idea of helping the one person I despised, he needed it. “What’s left to freak out about? The designs are done and the outfits constructed – he already completed his part and left. That was the deal, wasn’t it, for him to help design and construct the outfits? The rest is all on you. It’s not as if you haven’t run a show before. You’ve done hundreds of them. You’ve got this.”

“There’s always something that needs improving on!” Jason protested. “This is the single most important moment of my career – there has to be something!”

“There’s nothing.”

“There’s… nothing?” He asked, sounding stunned.

“You’re ready. Your models are ready. You just need to put trust in them and yourself, even if you went about all of this in the wrong way. If you’re going to do something so wicked, at least see through it to the end to see if all of this was worth it.”

“But JR-”

“For god’s sakes, just leave him alone already. Enough is enough. You don’t need his help anymore. He’s gone. That was what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

“… Perhaps you’re right.”

“I hate hearing that from you.” I murmured. Jason sniffled on the other end of the line.

“You speak of this moment of weakness of mine to no one, understand?” Jason said sternly. I rolled my eyes.

“I have no reason or desire to do so.”

“Good. I’ll contact you tomorrow with your schedule for the 26^th. Expect it.” Jason briefly replied before abruptly hanging up on me. I dug my phone back into my pocket then hurriedly walked back over to the tunnel of lights where I had last left Ren, only he wasn’t there like he said he would be. I froze as I felt my heart sink down to the bottom of my stomach as I automatically assumed the worst. Had Ren left me here…? I spun around end exited the tunnel, taking several steps forward and scanning the immediate area for the blonde. I jumped when I suddenly felt a hand from behind reach for my right shoulder. I quickly turned to see a distraught looking Ren standing behind me. I stared down at him with wide eyes when I realized the upset look on his face. “Where were you? I thought you had left-”

“Can we just go back to your place?” He surprisingly asked, changing the subject. I paused.

“My place? Are you sure? I can drop you off at your place if you want-” He cut me off when he suddenly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his face into my chest. He started to cry, quickly alarming me. “Ren…? Did something happen?”

“Not there, not anywhere… just someplace he won’t appear.” Ren sobbed into my shirt. I froze as I heard those last few words. I narrowed my eyes and immediately scanned my surroundings, looking for that messy, curly haired blonde that seemed to plague everyone’s thoughts lately ever since he seemed to disappear without a trace. When I didn’t find anyone who matched JR’s description I wrapped my arms tightly around Ren, embracing him as he continued to heart wrenchingly sob.

“It’s okay, he’s not here. He’s not here, Ren. There’s so many people here. Whoever you saw, it wasn’t him.” I tried to reassure him. Ren shook his head, his face still buried into my chest.

“It was him…” He cried.

“Let’s go.”

“No!” Ren suddenly pulled back from me, shoving me away with both of his hands. “Don’t ask me to go back to that place covered in nothing but memories of us… Please… Don’t make me go home…” He begged me in tears. I grabbed a hold of his wrist and started to drag him with me as he tried to pull away from me. I glanced back at him over my shoulder.

“I’m not asking you to. I’m taking you back to my place.” I replied and felt him stop fighting me. The two of us left the shopping square and walked back to the parking garage where I unlocked the doors to my car and opened the door to the backseat and waited as Ren stopped. He covered his face with his hands in shame.

“I’m sorry. I’m such a mess…. Imagining people that aren’t even there…” Ren replied, sounding humiliated. I shook my head.

“I’m here though.” I reassured him. Ren slowly glanced up to look at me. A soft, sad smile slowly spread across his heart shaped lips.

“Yes… you are.” He said, both sounding and looking touched. I placed my hands on his shoulders and helped lower him back into the car. Once he was inside, I shut the door behind him and remained standing outside of his door. I tightly pursed my lips together and clenched my left fist into a ball.

“No matter how hard it gets, I’m not giving up on you. Never.” I whispered to myself before circling around the car and climbing inside, starting the engine and driving all the way back home.

 

 

JR’s POV

I sat defiantly on the couch as Dambi sat on the floor in front of me, giving me the cutest pouting face she could muster. I folded my arms across my chest and coldly turned my head away from her as she continued to whine at me. Dambi let out a frustrated sigh then loudly slammed her feet on the floor, quickly rising. She reached forward and grabbed my arms, untucking them from my chest and swinging them violently as she continued to pout. I glared at her. All day she had been begging for me to go outside with her and celebrate Christmas Eve together when I told her I just wasn’t in the mood. No matter how many times I told her I didn’t want to go, she refused to let up and now she was just driving me insane.

“Noona!” I snapped at her.

“Go outside and celebrate a holiday, JR! It’s what normal people do!” She snapped back.

“Normal people, yes. Designers? No.”

“Even designers celebrate Christmas Eve, you dull sack of potatoes!” She pouted.

“Dull sack of potatoes? Well, now I’m definitely not going.”

“JR!!!” Dambi whined.

“That’s my final decision.” I sternly replied, finding that I was getting better at standing up for myself ever since Dambi had taken me under her wing and started mentoring me. Dambi glared at me then angrily huffed before marching away into the other room, loudly stomping her feet as she passed. After a couple of minutes I heard her reemerge from what appeared to have been my bedroom, carrying my long black coat and a black beanie. She threw the coat at me as she entered the living room. As I caught the coat, she walked around the couch and climbed on top of my lap, shoving the hat on top of my head. I released the coat and brought both hands up to the hems of the hat, trying to pull it off as she fought to tug it down.

“I’m not giving you a choice anymore. You’re going!”  

“No I’m not!”

“Then do it for me!” She exclaimed, making me pause. “Is it such a crime to want to do something with your best friend on Christmas Eve?” Dambi said, attempting to guilt trip me. It wasn’t going to work.

“Christmas Eve is a holiday celebrated by couples.” I reminded her.

“So? Humor me for a night!”

“Why can’t you go with Nana, Lizzy, or Raina?” I asked.

“Because women are terrible human beings, JR.” She shot back.

“Did you four have a fight?”

“No. I love those girls to death but guys are just easier to have a good time with.”

“I always seem to forget your tomboy nature.” I replied. Dambi grinned.

“Please? Will you go see the Christmas lights with me?” She asked. I glared at her.

“Take it back.” I suddenly demanded.

“Huh?”

“I am not a potato, nor am I dull or a sack of them.” I insisted. Dambi stared at me for a moment before chuckling then leaning forward to plant a kiss on my forehead and climbing off me.

“Well, look at you standing up for yourself. That’s right; you’re not dull nor are you a potato. You are very relevant and important. I’m proud of you for realizing that. I mean, it’s about freaking time, JR.” She laughed at the last part. I proudly smiled then stood up with her, adjusting the beanie over my head, being careful that it covered all of my hair. When I finished I pulled my black coat on over my black turtle neck sweater and black skinny jeans. I glanced back at Dambi, who was pulling on a black leather jacket over her sleeveless black mini dress. She walked with me over towards the door where I stepped into my black converse and she pulled her black over the knee boots on over her fishnet stockinged feet. Before I opened the door to my apartment I glanced over at her. She widely smiled back at me. I couldn’t tell if she was more excited about getting to see the lights or that she was finally getting me to go back outside. Either way, she seemed happy. Together we exited my apartment and I locked up and followed her down to her car in the parking garage where the two of us rode together to the lights display at the COEX Mall several blocks away.

After parking the car and walking up to the square, we stopped in front of the large Christmas tree. Dambi glanced up at the tree in excitement while I looked around at how crowded the lights display was, feeling slightly uncomfortable. We had just arrived yet I was already ready to go back home. But I knew if I told Dambi that, I’d probably risk being stranded here by myself after she angrily left me for being a homebody. I finally glanced back at Dambi, who appeared to be shivering.

“It’s cold out here!” She said, blowing warm air into her palms. Her eyes suddenly lit up as she spotted a hot chocolate stand nearby. She pointed at it. “You want some? I’m buying.” She offered and I nodded, following her over towards the stand where she handed the man enough money for two and he gave us each a hot Styrofoam cup. We took them and turned back around, walking through the several light displays while we sipped our hot chocolate. After spending almost half an hour at the exhibit, Dambi quickly turned to me while handing me her cup.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Bathroom! Wait for me out here. I’ll just be a minute.” She replied before running off inside of the mall, leaving me alone outside. I sighed then started to walk around the light displays by myself while holding the two cups in each hand. I walked past the Christmas tree and a small lighted house before approaching and stopping at the end of the less crowded tunnel of lights. I took a step inside and was tempted to turn back around when I noticed there was one other person standing on the opposite end all alone. As I started turning, however, I paused when I noticed that this individual was a familiar shade of blonde. I squinted my eyes to get a better look. The lights decorating the tunnel started flashing in an illuminating pattern, shedding light over the blonde’s face. Although his eyes were closed, I instantly recognized him. My lips slightly parted and my heart ached immensely.

Ren…

Suddenly his eyes opened and he spotted me standing on the opposite end of the tunnel. For a second he paused and squinted them before they grew wide and his jaw dropped and he pointed. My heart started racing. No, he couldn’t see me like this, not now! I immediately turned around and hurriedly walked off. When I heard rushed footsteps traveling in my direction, I started running and pushing my way past dozens of people nearby. I tossed the cups in a garbage bin beside me and ran inside of the mall, leaving the square. As I ran inside, I found Dambi who was just about to walk out the front door. I grabbed and tackled her thin frame like a football player, pulling her off to the side with me. Dambi looked at me with wild and startled eyes.

“What in the world-”

“He saw me!” I stammered. Dambi furrowed her brows.

“Who saw you?” She asked.

“Ren!”

“What??? You mean he’s here? Why here of all places?”

“I don’t know!”

“It’s not time yet. He can’t see you now or else all of this would have been for nothing! All of that pain, suffering and waiting… You haven’t established yourself as a designer yet – none of your actions are credible. If he sees you now, all he’ll see is some jackass that broke his heart for no real or good reason!”

“Don’t you think I know that?!” I exclaimed. “What do I do now?”

“We wait it out. He can’t stay out there forever.” Dambi replied, peering out from behind the wall and through the glass mall doors. I suddenly felt her tense up as she must have seen something she didn’t quite agree with. I furrowed my brows

“What’s wrong? What do you see?”

“Nothing, don’t look.” She warned me. I pulled her away from the door and peered through the glass to see what it was that had made Dambi pause. When I saw it, I froze. What she had saw, what I had saw… I quickly turned my back to the image of Baekho hugging Ren tightly, placing my right hand over my aching heart. Dambi sadly frowned at me, lightly punching me in my left shoulder. “You dummy… I told you not to look…”

“… Is it credible, though?” I quietly asked. Dambi stared at me for a moment before shaking her head disappointedly.

“No matter which way you try to look at it, I don’t think it is… All the things you’ve done to him… But right now, it’s probably the best shot you’ve got with him. So far you’ve led him to believe that he’s waiting for some incredible person that’s bound to come back. You said you felt unworthy of his love because of the creation of the fake Mr. Kim and lying about who you really are… You said you wanted to prove your worth in hopes that he’ll somehow and someday understand. But you’re not there yet. So that’s what you’re going to have to do – finish what you’ve started.”

“But what if I’m having second thoughts?”

“Then go out there, as you are, and try to explain everything... Whatever you decide, I’m here for you. Just know that.” She replied. I tightly pursed my lips together.

“I can’t… I can’t do it.” I replied. “You’re right… I did all of those things, all of that running away because I was selfishly trying to fix a problem that I personally held a hand in creating. I can’t face Ren as nothing, as the no one I am right now because that would only invalidate all the reasons I caused him to needlessly suffer.” I sadly said, close to tears. Dambi stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me from my side, resting her chin down on top of my head. She slowly rocked me back and forth.

“Everything is going to be alright in the end, kid. Hold hope and just breathe.”

“But he’s moving on…” My bottom lip trembled as the thought of this killed me. How could everything be alright if he was moving on with the one person I feared he would? And how was it that I couldn’t go to Ren because of all my lies, but yet Baekho could? How was what Baekho doing any different than what I was doing? Real, fake – it didn’t matter. We were both lying about who we were and we were both hurting Ren subconsciously. At least if it had been anyone else other than Baekho it wouldn’t have hurt so bad, but knowing that Baekho’s lies were bound to someday hurt Ren the same way mine did and reopen old wounds… the wounds I dealt… it was unbearable to imagine. Dambi suddenly held me tighter, as if sensing my inner turmoil.

“Sweetie, I’ve told you this before, haven’t I? The heart works in miraculous ways sometimes. Don’t give up and lose faith in him. Sometimes people get lost on their way back, but there’s only one place the heart can call home. Don’t ever forget that, okay?” She tried to reassure me. I slowly and silently nodded.

“Ok.”