Hoseok’s POV

“Hyeso!!!”Taehyung yelled.

She bowed.

Taehyung pulled her closer to us. She bowed once again.

“Thank you for coming, Kim Hyeso-sshi.”Namjun said.

“My pleasure.”She said. And somehow I know she really meant it.

“Sorry for making you trapped with him instead our visuals.”Suga smiled at her. “Someone as pretty as you deserve someone who’s handsome.”

“Ya! Hyung!”

She glance at me but then looked away.

I make her uncomfortable. Why I even do that? Kissing her? For God’s sake, are you insane, Jung Hoseok?

When the light shine at her, she really looks like her. Even worse, she’s prettier. Everything I did on stage, I did it almost without I realized it.

Thankfully, no one talk about my performance when she’s around, but once she left, Namjun laughed so hard until he fell to the ground.

“YOU SCREWED YOURSELF HAHAHAH WHY DID YOU KISSED HER WHEN YOU KNOW SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU?”

My manager patted my shoulder. “Well, you did a good job. Not sure which episode this scene will be add in, but you really did a good job.”

I remove his hand from my shoulder. “Don’t cheer me over something I did bad.”

“Bad for his relationship with her.”Namjun added. “What will you do for the next shooting? Even she keep avoid to facing you in here.”

“Shut up, .”

The others just laughed along with Namjun.

That’s bothered me though I tried to looks not care at all when she was around. She’s really avoiding me. We took a picture together and she stood between Taehyung and Jungkook. Taehyung okay it’s fine it’s Taehyung, but Jungkook? They never talk to each other.

“Will she come to our comeback stage in music show?”Suga asked.

“She wouldn’t. She doesn’t want to be kissed again by a horse.”Namjun answered.

I throw an empty bottle at him. “Ya!”

Jin patted his back telling him to stop. “Enough for today. We need to save our laugh for next time. Bet it’ll be more hilarious.”

“YA HYUNG!!!”

“Ah, Namjun hyung, I heard you bestfriend’s group also make a comeback next week.”Suddenly Jungkook talking.

He frowned. “My bestfriend’s group? DNH? Ah, Zico hyung? Block B?”

“Aniya! iKon!! Bobby. Your bestfriend.”

Namjun gave him his middle finger. “ you!!”

Everyone laughed. Including our managers and coordis. Everyone know the relationship between us and ikon. Well, we’re good. We don’t hold grudge to each other, just yeah, maybe a bit. But we’re good. Especially Namjun and Bobby.

“Another dissing battle is coming.”Taehyung said before put a handfull of nuts to his mouth.

“Why he really like to diss you anyway? Because you always respond his diss?”Jin asked.

Namjun shrugged. “Maybe yes or not. Maybe he see me as a rival. I mean, I’ve talked about it with Zico hyung. Bobby think he really close with Zico hyung. Zico hyung, on the other side, well, he said bobby is nice, but they’re not as close as what we heard.”He explained. “Just because they have each other number, doesn’t mean they’re close right? It’s Mino hyung who’s close with Zico hyung.”

“How about the B.I guy?”I asked him. I don’t know. I’ve heard B.I’s name since long ago and he’s really famous until now on, but he never diss anyone or send threat- okay the threat word is too much. He’s the leader and he had that cocky arrogant aura, but turns out he’s really nice and polite.

Really polite.

When we met in the backstage, he always bowed to all of us while smiling.  He show respect to everyone. Not the fake respect. The real one.

“He’s good. In real meaning of good. The only diss he ever did only in that rapping show back then, dissing his haters.”

“Donghyuk-sshi really nice towards me. Never talk to Junhoe, but Donghyuk-sshi welcoming me as his friend. Even I have his number.”Jungkook said. The coordi kinda troubled by his earring. He cringed when finally they can take it off. “I will never use that earring again.”

I’m still thinking about what she said when I kissed her cheek.

“Stay away from me.”

I can feel the hatred. It’s my fault I know. I shouldn’t kissed her when she still put a barrier between me and her. The first episode will be airing next week, it’s just the first episode. Means, I will have more time with her. In the contract, it's written about 20 something episodes. It can be last for a year, I guess.

“Let’s go back now so you guys can get two hours sleep.”

I looked at our manager. “You need sleep too, hyung.”

He smiled. “It’s fine. I can get plenty of sleep once you guys done with the promotion.”

“Which is a month again.”Jimin added. “You should take care of your health too, hyung. Do you even take your medicine?”

“Yes, Jimin. I took my medicine. Thank you for asking. Come on, guys! Let’s hit the practice room before go back to the dorm.”

*

“J-Hope pulled out a romantic performance for his ‘wife’ in BTS comeback showcase”

1. [+325, -26] why he did a romantic performace for his virtual wife in the show to thanked his fans? And kissing? Wow

2. [+306, -28] What an unpleasant scene to be seen by his fans. They lined up since morning only to see this? What an ungratefull attitude. And who the hell is her? She’s an idol? Why I never heard of her?

3. [+271, -17] He doesn’t appreciate his fans. Why he did this in his group comeback showcase? The girl also didn’t do anything about it. She show no respect to his fans. She shouldn’t come for the very first place even though the staff dragged her. It’s the showcase for BTS fans. Attention seeker.

4. [+40, -4] She’s ugly. Poor J-hope.

5. [+34, -2] They started the shooting last week and they’ve did this? Wondering what they’ll do in their 20th episode.

6. [+28, -2] They looks good together.

7. [+1,049, -86] Who is she anyway? I never heard of her name.

8. [+906, -30] The point it’s not about he’s being romantic towards his wife, but why he does this kind of things in this kind of show. The show which addressed to his fans. I didn't know the girl either. I heard she’s a member of Darlingz? Not sure ever see her even once.

My manager took away my phone. “Stop it. There’s no use for you to keep read it. All you need to do is apologize.”Then he handed my phone back.

I sighed. “Hyung, do you have her number? I pulled her into this.”I asked. I’m the one who did that but most of the comment talking bad about her.

Ugly. Most of the comment say that. And asked who is she.

I don't even understand how can they say that? Ugly? Seriously?

“I’ll ask her manager, but first, apologize through your twitter or whatever.”My manager said.

I did like what he told me.

Hello, guys. I’m J-Hope. I’m so sorry I did something that hurt your heart. I didn’t mean to do that. Once again, I’m really sorry.

I attach the picture of me bowed.

My manager showed me the screen of his phone. “It’s her number. Try to call her.”I typed the number on my phone then called her.

No answers.

I keep trying to call her but still no answers.

“She’s not answering.”I said. “Can I talk with her manager?”

My manager called her manager then handed his phone to me.

“Hello?”

“Ah Daehan hyung, this is Hoseok. Can I talk with Hyeso? I’ve tried to call her but she’s not answering.”

I can hear he took a deep breathe. “Well, that’s what I’m trying to do. She’s not answering my call.”He answered. “Can you please keep calling her? Maybe she will answer your call. I don’t know just.. I wish.”

“Ah.. okay. I’ll keep trying.”

“Thank you very much Jung Hoseok-sshi.”

“Ani, hyung. Don’t thanked me. It’s all my fault. I’ve shouldn’t do that. I should..”

“No. It’s not your fault. Well, then.. see you later.”

“Ne. See you later, hyung.”

Then he hang up.

My manager looking at me. “Somethings wrong?”

I nodded. “Daehan hyung said she also can’t reach her. Is that mean she’s gone?”I asked. “! It’s all my fault!

He patted me. “Don’t blame yourself. You know how the netizen works.”

I sighed. I don’t care about what they said about me. I do feel sorry towards my fans. Really sorry. Even in this situation, when the netizen using my fans as the reason to blame me, they keep defend me. They keep supports me and saying it’s not my fault, I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s only for the sake of the show, but some of my fans say she’s ugly and other words that shouldn't be said.

Yes, I worried about her.

I put her in this situation.

I'm responsible for this situation. And her condition.

*

Hanbin’s POV

I just laid my body on my bed and going to close my eyes, but then my manager entered the room. “Wake up!”He shouted.

He looked at me. “You’re not sleeping at all don’t you?”

I shooked my head. “I need to make everything sounds perfect.”

“Everything wouldn’t sounds perfect if you’re sick.”He said. “Come on we need to be in YG at 7.”He took my pillow then throw it to Bobby who still sleeping. “Ya! It’s been 2 years and you all still staying in one dorm. Didn’t you guys make a lot of money? When will you all become responsible with your ownself? Go buy a house for yourself.”

I smiled at him. “Even though we live in our own place, you’ll still rush in to our house and drag us out. Especially, this one.”I looked at the sleeping bobby.“We can’t live without you hyung.”I added. “Tax is pretty high plus I need to pay my father’s debt. I prefer staying here forever than put more debt on my account.”

By the last sentence, he cleared his throat. “Wake him up. I’ll wake the others.”He left the room.

I stared at Bobby who has no idea what’s going on. He still sleeping hugging his almost can’t recognized pooh doll.

Try to smell it. It worse than Mino’s hyung feet.

“Ya! Kimbab! Wake up!”

No response.

I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. When I back, he still sleep, so I poured it on his face.

“YA!!!”He yelled.

“I’ve tried the nice way but it’s not working.”I said. “Go to the bathroom now.”

He’s laid again on his wet bed. “Why don’t you go wash first?”

“So you can sleep again and make us late again?”

“Ah Hanbinie being so mean to kimbab~~~”He said.

“Go now before I pour another glass of water.”

He groaned but get up anyway.

After he done, it’s my turn. I smells so bad. Showering seems like something really precious to me when we make a comeback. I always feel insecure with my works. I’m afraid I’ll make some mistake.

“Hyung!”Chanwoo walked towards me when I’m out of the bathroom. “Your phone keep ringing.”He told me. “Who is HS?”He asked.

.

I leave him without saying anything.

Bobby is no longer in the room. I pulled my phone from it charger.

13 missed calls.

. There’s must be something wrong.

I called her back.

 “Where are you?”I asked when she pick up.

She’s not answering.

“Hyeso, where are you?”I asked again.

“I... I don’t know.”She answered. “Hanbin.. there’s blood everywhere.”

. “Wh.. WHERE ARE YOU?!”

Oh God please don’t. Please don’t let this happen again.

“Hyeso, please answer me. Where are you?”

I stared at Bobby and Jinhwan who just entered the room.

“Where are you? Look around and tell me what you see.”

“Blood.”

. “Don’t go anywhere. Stay there. I’ll be there.” Even though I don’t know where she is.

“Hanbin... there’s blood everywhere.”She said.

“Don’t do anything else. I’ll be there okay?”

“Hanbin... there’s blood..”

“Don’t hang up okay? Don’t hang up.”

“Hanbin..”

I looked at Jinhwan and Bobby. “I really have to go. Something bad happening to her.”

Jinhwan handed me his phone. I looked at an article on it's screen. . This is really happening.

This is really bad. Really bad.

Jinhwan patted me. “We will back you up. Don’t worry.” Bobby give me a snapback and mask. “Taeha hyung is in Yunhyeong’s room. I’ve told him to make him keep busy.”He said.

“Thanks, guys.”Then I left.

*

There’s only one place she can heading to. Our apartement.

I stop a taxi.

“Hyeso, you still there?”

“Hanbin.. there’s blood.”

“I’m heading there. Don’t do anything. Everything gonna be okay. I promise you. I never break my promise, right?”

No answers.

“Hye..”I called her.

No answers.

“Hyeso are you there?”I patted the driver shoulder telling him to drive faster.

“it’s 7 in the morning. Everyone heading to their workplace. I can’t be more faster. Don’t blame me. Blame the traffic.”

Yes, I can’t do anything.

Taking bus will not change anything too.  

“Hyeso.. you still there?”

No answers.

“Hyeso..you there?”

Still no answers.

. . . .

I give the driver the money then go out. I run. I need to be there as fast as I can. I should be there before something bad happening even though it's probably already happened. While I run, I keep calling her name through the phone, but still no answer. That makes me run faster.

When I arrived I immediately go to the bathroom. I was right. She’s there, on the bathtub full of water mixed with blood. She’s obviously still wearing her pajama. 

For a moment, I feel glad the worst thing I've imagined isn't happening. She's alive for God's sake. She's alive. She's still alive.

Her eyes can't focus. I know she's trembling even without holding her. Broken. She's broken. I spotted one of her hand hold a cutter and I become alert with every move she make. I don’t know where'd she get that. I didn’t keep any things such as cutter, siccors, even knife in here.

“Hye?”

She looked at me. She looks confused. Her eyes keep moving around trying to figure something out, but she has no idea what is it.

“This is me. Hanbin.”I said.

I can sensed she hold the cutter tighter. “Hanbin.. there’s blood.”

I entered the bathtub, soaking myself by sat in front of her then taking one of her hand slowly. She cut herself again. “Hye.. can you give me that?”I asked. She looked at me then looked at the cutter. She still hold it tight. “Can you give me that?”I reached for it slowly and when she loose her grip on it, I took it then throw it away. I pulled her into my hug immediately.

She start to crying. I held her even tighter. She hugged me back. She needs me. I let her cry as much as she wants. The water from the shower above pouring on us, camouflage her tears.

When she stopped, I make her facing me. “Let’s dry you up. You can get sick if you stay in here too long.”I rub her cheek with my thumb. “And let’s cleanse the blood from you. You hate it don’t you?”

She nodded.

I carried her bridal style. She hugged me so tightly. I can feel her body trembling, either because she feels cold or terrified. She’s so boney, so skinny, so fragile.

Gently, I put her on the bed.

“I’ll take a towel and your clothes. Don’t do anything, okay?”I said.

She nodded.

I took the towel, her clothes and alcohol from the cupboard while keep an eye of her.

She hugged herself looking around the room, confused.

I put all the things on the side table then sat beside her. I pulled her into my hug. “Hey, I’m here. I already here like what I’ve promised, right?”I rubbed her back.

“Hanbin..”She called my name.

I let go of her from my arms then took her hands slowly. She cut herself again. Even though not as deep as before, but there's a lot of cuts. Really a lot. I can feel she cringed when I accidentally touched one of the wound.

It's weird isn't it? Something that hurt her, make her feel alive.

I undressed her until she left only in her and bra. I wipe her body with the towel. “Mind to change your own and bra?”I asked.

She nodded.

I went to the bathroom to change my own clothes. I bring her medicine with me before going back to the room. Maybe it’s time to see the doctor again.

When I entered the room, she's no longer there.

“Hyeso..”I called her name.

No answers.

I went out.

“Hyeso, where are you?”I started to panic.

Suddenly a pair of arms hugged me from behind. I relieved. “You're hiding to surprise me?”I asked her. Slowly, I free myself from her then turned around. I looked down at her, hugged her. “Mind to tell me what happens?”

She’s not answering.

“Is there something wrong?”

“Nothing.”

I smiled. “Let’s go back to the bed.”I said then I guide her.

She still looks confused.

Before we lay there, I change the bed sheet. “Is there something wrong?”I asked once more when we already laying on the bed.

She burry her face into my chest.

“Nothing.”She mumbled.

“It’s obviously not nothing.”I said. “Tell me the truth.”

She took a deep breathe. “I hate myself.”

Again. She said it again.

“And everyone hates me too.”She continued. “I’m ugly.” She took a deep breath. “Why should I live?”

“Because I love you.”

She lift her head. Locking gaze with me. How I love that hazel eyes. “You don’t hate me?”

“Why I should hate you?”I smiled. “I love you more than anything I ever had in my life.”I her face.

She looked down. “You love your dream more than me.”

I...

“You don’t love me.”She continued. I hold my breathe. “You must be hating me for not loving you back.”

Not loving you back. Yes, she doesn't love me. Not at all.

“If I hate you, I wouldn’t be here.”I spoke up. “I love you. You love me or not, it’s your choice. But I love you.”

“Will it last?”She asked.

“Yes.”

She put out her pinky finger. “Promise?”

Without any hesitation I received it by linking our pinky finger. “Promise.”I smiled. “Hanbinie never break his promise, right?”

She smiled a bit then nodded.

We stayed like that until she fell asleep.

I cleanse her wounds while she sleep. She cringed when I pour alcohol on it, but still sleeping. She must be really tired of work- live. I kissed each wounds. My kiss wouldn't heal it, it's just.. I love her. I love everything on her. Her laugh. Her smile. Even her wounds. I know it sounds really bad, but without those wounds, she will never come to me. She'll leave me.

She may afraid of losing me, but I'm more afraid of losing her.

And without this wound, I'll lose her.

Back then, I was too young. If I could rewind back time, I’ll leave my dream and stay with her.

I kissed her forehead. “You'll love me. You will and I'll wait.”

*

“Chicken is here!”I shouted.

She show no response.

I put the box on the table then sat beside her. “I bought your favorite chicken.”

“Didn't you need to go back to your place?”

“This is my place.”I sighed. “Hye..”When she's facing me I peck her lips. “Let’s eat. It’s your favorite after all.”

She sighed but then agreed. She ate almost half of it by herself. Chicken is her favorite food after bread and shehasn’t eat anything since morning- or maybe yesterday.

Judging by her body, she eat nothing. I don’t know it’s her management or herself. She, herself, afraid to eat. Anorexic. She's much more better actually. Back then, she wouldn't eat anything. Not even drink milk or juice. She just drink water.

I don’t know who's wrong or who I can blamed. I wish I could be with her all the time so I can know everything.

None of her members, managers, or anyone she knows, know about our relationship. So, I can’t ask anyone else but her. And I don’t always get an answer.

Barely reply my text and pick up my call even though she do nothing. Even I'm wondering if she ever think about me.

After done with eating, we watch a dvd.

The Great Gatsby.

We’ve been watched it for.. I don’t know.. 10 times? 20 times? Not sure how many times, but we've watched it to the point I remember everything about the movie. But yeah, she really likes it. So, I should watch it too. I just stared at her who only staring at the tv while mumbling the dialog. She remembers the dialog of the movie.

She’s a big fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Did I spell it right? I don’t really read a book. Well, I don’t read book at all.

Book- especially novel is boring. No picture. Only words. And some of sentence makes me need to think hard about the meaning of it. That . For her, those concatenation of words are beautiful. When she needs to imagine what's written on the books, she thinks that's exciting, thrilling, and challenging.

At some point, she's lost at her own imagination.

She wouldn’t talk to me, even though she barely talking.

She could finish a thick novel in just a day. What I mean by thick, is thousand something pages with a small size of font. I need to always stay beside her  to remind her to eat or even drink. She feel the character. She could cry, mad, and happy because of the book.

The sight of her when she sat on the sofa, reading her book, lost in her own imagination, surely a pleasure for me. Finally, I can take a breathe. The moment when she fall into a book, that’s when exactly she’s enjoying the moment of living. Which is I can’t see all the time.

She never live. Every single day, the only thing on her mind is only to survive.

“I wish death note was real.” She ever told me one day. I didn’t want to ask her why because I already know the answer.

“Bin..”She called me.

I her head. “Ne?”

She looked at me. “Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautifull?”

Again. She asked me this question whenever we watch this movie.

“Yes.”

Then she focussed on her movie again.

I laughed at myself.

Loving someone who’s not loving you back. Promised her that you’ll love her until the end of time. Promised her you’ll love her no matter what.

Pathetic.

I can feel all the compulsion on her whenever we kissed. She never enjoy any of our kisses, my touch. Do I feel tired of this? Yes. But I’m not tired of her. I’m tired of myself for keep hoping one day she will love me the way I love her.

I love her.

I love her so much.

So I blind myself.

They say, people falling in love in mysterious way.

I didn’t know when exactly I fall in love with her and why. I just love her because she’s her. The girl who played drum by herself in the music room. The girl who smiled at the nerd-looks boy who staring at her through the window until one day she told me to join her.

“I’m Kim Hyeso. Who are you?” She reached out her hand.

I gulped. “I’m Kim Hanbin.”

“You’re a Kim too? That’s cool!” She smiled so bright. “How old are you?”

“9.”

“I’m 10.”She folded her arms in front of her chest. “Since we have a same last name, so, from now on, you’re my brother. Consider it as my payment.”

I frowned.

“You always watched me. I consider it as a stalking action. Then I played the instrument, which mean you watched my solo concert. You need to pay for a concert ticket.”

I just stared at her.

“I always wanted a little brother.”

A little brother.

We’re only separated by 11 months.

Back then I don’t even know what I feel towards her. I enjoyed all the moments I had with her. Feels like I owned her.

She’s really popular. Everyone at school wants to be her friend. She’s friendly, talkative, smart- genius, and most of all, pretty.

I don’t know the definition of pretty for everyone else, but for me, she’s pretty.

If I could just stayed at that time, I’ll do that.

I can feel she leaned on my chest.

She needs me and I need her. I didn’t know who need others more, but both of us need each other. That make us trapped in this kind of situation.

Before the movies end, she already fall asleep on my hug.

I hugged her tighter wishing her can feel a bit safer. I closed my eyes while humming along to one of the soundtrack from the movie that played right now.

“Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me
When I got nothing but my aching soul?
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will
Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?”

Even though I’m willing to love her until the end of time, will she love me back?