He didn't know when Jongin would come, so he decided to go to the park at the same hour than a few months ago, when they would met after Kyungsoo's work, in the early afternoon.

Leaves were falling down the trees. It was cold but the sky was perfectly blue - one of the weather Kyungsoo liked the most.

Kyungsoo felt like it has been years since he hadn't came out of his apartment. He took several deep breaths of fresh air, and it was like if he was coming to life again.

He felt more and more anxious at the idea of seeing Jongin again. It has been five weeks now since he hadn't seen him - and it was at night - but the last time they voluntarily met that way went back to months ago.

Someone was already sitting on the bench at the end of the alley, turning his back to him.

Black hair. Tall and slim body.

It was him.

Kyungsoo stopped, suddenly unsure. But the boy might have heard his footsteps as he slowly turned back.

Their eyes met.

Kyungsoo's heart started to race.

Jongin made the first move as well.  He stood up without taking his eyes out of him, while Kyungsoo couldn't move or think anymore.

Jongin smiled - maybe a little too shyly - and then took a few first hesitant steps toward him, then stopped.

It was when Kyungsoo noticed.

Jongin got thinner. He had big dark circles under red eyes, and he was so pale. It scared Kyungsoo and made him go back to his sense.

"Jongin, what happened to you?"

The other didn't answer and looked away.

Kyungsoo suddenly felt uncomfortable, because he couldn't know what Jongin was thinking and how he felt anymore, like if some link between them had broken up. 

But he thought it was what he deserved. For everything he did to the boy, to have made him suffer, to always have acted so selfishly.

At the end, what he had now in front of him was the result of his so selfish attitude.

But at least Jongin was here, thought Kyungsoo, even if he wasn't totally safe and sound.

At least he was alive, at least he didn't have forgotten him, at least he could still smile to him.

And now Kyungsoo knew he didn't want to loose him never ever again.

A moment later he was running toward Jongin without thinking anymore and fell in his arms. Jongin was first surprised but he finally held him back tightly, without a word.

"Jongin I'm sorry," then whispered Kyungsoo, a little too emotional, "I'm so sorry...!"

The other put a hand on his head.

"Stop it," said he in his so lovely, so comforting voice. "Why are you apologizing? Aren't you happy to see me again?"

Kyungsoo was trying hard not to cry. Why was Jongin so kind to him?

He wanted to stay in his arms forever and to erase all his mistakes.

Jongin gently his head. "There, there," whispered he in his ear, slowly rocking him and waiting for him to calm down.

Finally, Kyungsoo released himself from Jongin's embrace and took a step forward to watch his face, and caressed his so pale cheek with his fingertips.

"Wanna take a sit?"

Jongin made blue again. Kyungsoo, sitting next to him, only succeeded on making purple or red.

"Tell me how you feel," ordered he, wanting to understand what was hidden behind the beautiful color Jongin made so easily.

"What do you mean?" then asked Jongin. "I feel a lot of things right now."

Kyungsoo looked up at him. Just by watching at his face he could know he wasn't happy.

"I don't know... Are you sad? Tired?"

Jongin didn't answer right away.

"Yes I am."

"What else?"

The boy was thinking.

"I am... happy to see you again... and I feel nostalgic too... And... Well, I don't know..."

"Hm, sorry, I've asked you something hard," said Kyungsoo, laughing a bit.

"True," answered the boy, laughing too.

Kyungsoo thought it was awkward how they were laughing like this, together.

"Jongin, there's something I wanted to know..." started Kyungsoo after a while, changing the subject. "About what you said on the phone call."

Jongin stared at him.

"So that's why you were so worried, huh?"

Kyungsoo exhaled smoke. Purple.

"You looked serious," said he to justify himself. "But I was worried because I thought something had happened to you, as I couldn't join you anymore. That's all."

Jongin smiled at him a little.

"I'm sorry, I didn't meant to worry you."

"Is that so?"

Jongin nodded.

"That was nothing anyway."

They stayed silent for a while, Kyungsoo smoking and handing the cigarette to Jongin when he asked for.

"For some reason I don't believe you," eventually declared he.

Jongin softly laughed, looking away. Kyungsoo, looking at him, imperceptibly shivered, but he suddenly noticed that Jongin looked someway really sad.

"So, you told me you'd teach me how to see the colors," reminded Jongin some times later.

Kyungsoo had forgotten about this. 

"Hmm, yeah," said he before taking out a new cigarette from the packet. "Well... the truth is that I don't really know how I do it myself, so..."

After having lighted it, he handed it to Jongin.

"Well, concentrate," advised he. "And try to imagine..."

The boy looked serious as he inhaled the smoke, and Kyungsoo surprised himself observing his face.

Jongin watched the smoke raising, screwing up his eyes in a way Kyungsoo found really cute.

Then the boy turned his head towards him.

"Was it blue again?"

Kyungsoo didn't answer right away, hesitating because he didn't have watched the smoke but the boy's face instead.

Jongin seemed to understand and sighed with a little smile.

"Watch better this time."

He repeated the operation, concentrating once again.

"You've seen something?" then asked Kyungsoo.

Jongin negatively shook his head.

"It was blue," told him Kyungsoo. "It was beautiful."

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, not saying anything.

It's when Kyungsoo felt a raindrop fall on his nose. He rose his head at the sky - he didn't even notice all those clouds covering it up.

It was starting to drizzle.

"Not nice," commented Jongin.

Kyungsoo looked at him again.

"I thought you liked rain," said he.

"Not like that," simply answered the other.

The rain was increasing. Kyungsoo then realized that as Jongin looked more fragile, he might catch a cold easier than before.

None of them had an umbrella, so he quickly thought of a place where they could move. But before he could suggest anything, Jongin was standing up and walking a few steps forward.

Kyungsoo, caught unaware, suddenly started to panic at the thought of Jongin gone again.

"Hey, wait!" shouted he after standing up and grabbed his wrist.

Jongin stopped, surprised by his reaction.

"I'm not going to disappear, you know," joked he before to gently his head.

The rain over his face made him even more handsome, despite of his thinness, thought Kyungsoo, who unconsciously tighten his grip.

"You had planned something?" hesitantly asked he.

"No," answered Jongin, smiling, "I just don't want to stay under the rain like this."

Kyungsoo looked away.

"We can go to my house," suggested he, plucking up his courage.

Jongin stayed silent but Kyungsoo knew he was hesitant. He didn't wanted to get him embarrassed so he added in a little voice : "Or if you know a cafe near to here..."

Jongin was thinking. 

"Yeah, let's do this, I know a good one," said he shortly after, seeming to find the thought appealing.

Kyungsoo, still holding his wrist, didn't even had the time to release him that Jongin grabbed his hand and Kyungsoo had no choice but to get carried away by the younger. 

It was 4pm and cold raindrops were falling all around.

Kyungsoo was following Jongin who stopped to hold his hand when they entered a packed shopping street.

Kyungsoo hated the crowd.

Hopefully, Jongin knew it and he managed to keep Kyungsoo as close as possible to him, as they were making their way in the street. Everytime they were separated, Jongin looked for Kyungsoo's afraid eyes and firmly gripped him against him in a protective way - and Kyungsoo shivered because it was embarrassing but the idea of someone taking care of him was also nice.

"Is it your neighborhood?" asked he when they finally were able to walk side to side.

"Yes," answered Jongin. "I live in a small apartment in a street near there."

"So we don't live as far from each other as I thought," commented Kyungsoo.

They talked and laughed like if nothing never occurred and Kyungsoo almost forgot that the last time they saw went back to months ago. 

They finally entered an animated cafe and were welcomed by a lively barman of their age.

"Hey, Jongin!" exclaimed he, apparently knowing him. "How are you? Oh, you've brought a friend?"

Kyungsoo didn't listen to their conversation.  

He started to feel dizzy. Too many people in a too small place.

He followed Jongin and sat in front of him at a small table on a corner.

After a while, Jongin looked at him. He smiled.

"Are you okay?" gently asked him.

Kyungsoo nodded.

"Hey, no need to lie, I know you," retorted the other.

Kyungsoo lowered his head.

"It's okay, don't worry," said he, trying to look comfortable.

Jongin sighed, not really convinced, but he didn't add anything.

A few minute passed and the barman came back to ask for their orders. Kyungsoo didn't know what to choose, so he decided to take the same as Jongin, not caring a lot.

But he should have.

About half an hour later, after have drank several glasses of this nice drink, Kyungsoo never felt so faint on a long time.

Jongin was talking to him, but what was he saying?

Kyungsoo couldn't think correctly anymore.

He perfectly knew he wasn't able to hold his drink.

Jongin was starting to worry in front of him and Kyungsoo felt so bad because he didn't wanted to be a burden to Jongin.

But it was too late.

Everything went blank.

Kyungsoo opened his eyes.

His head hurt really much and he wanted to smoke really bad.

He was lying on something comfortable, in a small but warm place looking like a living room.

The shutters were closed and it was a good thing because Kyungsoo didn't know if he would have been able to bear the light.

He stayed still, not wanting to make a move - he didn't feel like he had the strength anyway.

But he had to, because he didn't know where he was.

He suddenly heard sounds. Someone was coming.

He stood up on an elbow, hesitating on what he had to do.

When he turned his head, Jongin was entering the room, grinning. "You're awake!" And he saw his face dangerously got closer to his, before to felt a quick and soft kiss near to his lips.

He was still too dizzy to react and simply stared at the boy with wide eyes.

"I think I deserved it for everything I've done for you today," naturally explained Jongin, smiling at him.

Kyungsoo decided to ignore this and tried to tidy up his thoughts.

"Where are we?" finally asked he with a tired voice.

"At my house," simply answered Jongin.

"Why? What happened?"

The boy sat on a chair near to him.

"You fainted at the cafe. So I've brought you at my house and you've just awake," explained he in a kind voice. "I'm so sorry, it's my fault, I should have noticed that you weren't feeling well..."

"No, I'm the one who need to apologize, I've been a burden," said Kyungsoo.

Jongin looked at him and smiled.

" It's okay."

Kyungsoo looked away.

"Lay down, you need to rest," advised the other. "Are you hungry? Do you want some water?"

"Hum, yes please."

Kyungsoo was embarrassed, but Jongin took care of him until he felt better.

He learned that he slept until the evening and that it was still pouring with rain outside.

Jongin refused to let him go back to his house, saying that it was too late and that he didn't feel well enough.

"I'll let you my room, I can sleep in the sofa," declared he.

"Hey, no, I don't want to bother you anymore. I can sleep in the sofa like I did until now, it's okay."

"You're at my house, I'm the one leading here," retorted Jongin with a smile.

"But I said I refuse to bother you anymore, I don't want to sleep in your bed."

Finally, Jongin gave up.

Later, he helped Jongin to make the meal. The boy used to say that Kyungsoo cooked really well, that it was like a gift, and that he was impatient to eat.

But they didn't talk that much, concentrating on what they were doing.

Jongin might noticed that Kyungsoo felt uncomfortable as he finally stopped and looked at him.

"It's nice to have you here tonight, it's usually quite silent."

Kyungsoo pretended not to hear.

"I feel less lonely," added the boy. "You're not a burden at all."

Kyungsoo didn't know what to think or say at that moment. All the reasons why he decided to stop everything a few months ago were coming back to his memory, and he was wondering if he wasn't making a mistake right now.

"Listen, Jongin," eventually declared he. "We need to talk... I mean, a real one."

Jongin simply nodded.

"Yes, sure."

They silently ate, making Kyungsoo felt even more uncomfortable, as he knew it was entirely his fault, because of his coldness.

Later, after getting prepared to sleep,both of them were standing in the living room, and Jongin finally asked if Kyungsoo wanted to talk right now or if he preferred to wait until the next morning.

Kyungsoo stared at him. He felt bad because Jongin was always taking care of him, he was always so kind, like if he would never gave up about him.

"Let's talk now," said he. 

They sat on the sofa where Kyungsoo woke up few hours ago.

"I'm listening," softly said Jongin, looking at him.

Kyungsoo was angry. Because Jongin never had hated him like he wanted him to, and he would never,and it made things so much more complicated.

And he was also angry at himself, because he was so unsure of what he felt. He made both Jongin and himself suffer because of his uncertainty.

But he had to make an effort - he couldn't be that rude while talking to Jongin, though he had been so nice with him all the day.

"Jongin, I'm sorry," was the first thing he said.

"Hey, you said that we needed to talk, not that you needed to apologize," immediately retorted the other.

Kyungsoo sighed.

"Okay, hum, well," hesitated he. "I... I guess it could be a good thing if we both give our opinion about all this situation... I mean, what we feel for... the other. I mean, I know it's embarrassing but..."

"Okay, okay, I understand," cut him short Jongin. "Shall I start?"

Kyungsoo was looking away.

"Yes, please," answered he, taking his head on his hands.

The other thought a bit.

"Well, I don't know where to start..."

"Please, make it short and simple," added Kyungsoo.

"Okay. Well, first, I'm so glad to know you. You are... the person I cherish the most and... of course it really hurt when you said it was over, I felt like if everything was collapsing around me..."

He took a deep breath before continuing. Kyungsoo noticed that his voice was trembling a bit.

"I was about to end everything... And I saw you in the park that night... It had been so many times I didn't had saw you, and I realised that I couldn't just go like that... because you're here too... I can't just let you down like that..."

He looked at him a few seconds before lowering his head.

"I know what you're thinking about yourself, Kyungsoo, that you're the most selfish man in the world... but I tell you that that's not true. It's just that you're suffering.

"And, to be honest, I think that if everything was easier, it would not necessarily be better... I mean, everything that's making us suffer now, it's also what could make us stronger in the future... if we managed to go through it. Together."

The boy looked at him again and Kyungsoo was absorbed in his eyes. Of course, the thought of the both of them fighting together and staying together forever sounded so beautiful - and it was what Jongin wanted - but it was also so scary.

Because there wasn't one of them stronger than the other. Both of them were dangerously standing right at the edge of the precipice, and nothing but the other was preventing them from falling.

If one of them fell, the other would inexorably fall too.

"I like you, Jongin," whispered Kyungsoo.

He waited a bit before to continue.

"And for that reason the thought of you suffering is unbearable. I'm so afraid of hurting you... But... as I know I'll hurt you anyway, I've always tried to avoid you as much pain as I could..."

He took a deep breath, Jongin carefully listening to him.

"But I've just acted so selfishly, I thought I was acting for you but at the end it was only for me and I only made you suffer... Am I right?"

Jongin was looking at him.

"Jongin I want so much to erase everything and start from the beginning again... But I..."

He sighed.

"I'm sorry, I think I'm just a big coward right now."

Jongin didn't answer anything.

"Can't you... Can't you just tell me how you feel about it?" asked Kyungsoo in a desperate way. "What you wait of me?"

He was hiding his face with his hands, feeling tears of anger and tiredness coming to his eyes.

"I'm so lost..."

Jongin stayed silent. After a while, Kyungsoo finally burst into tears, and Jongin then softly took him in his arms.

"I know you're lost, but sometimes you're just over thinking things," softly whispered Jongin.

Jongin was tenderly comforting him.

"Why don't you try to totally offload yourself on me, just for once?" finally suggested he.

Kyungsoo let his head fall on Jongin's shoulder, suddenly feeling too tired to think anymore.  

"Let's end this discussion for now, okay?" concluded Jongin.

He gently his hair.

"Let's go to sleep," whispered he before to stand up.

Kyungsoo watched him leave the living room, and he wanted to ask him to stay but no sound came out of his throat.

———————

A/N: Hey! Thank you for reading this third chapter! Hum, by re-reading it I thought that the end was just so boring! I'm sorry! >< But I think the next chapter is gonna be more interesting (well I hope so haha...) 

Please leave a comment! I want to know what you think of this so far! :) 

I finally decided of the end of this fanfic, and, I tell you, this is going to be quite surprising haha, maybe even weird. But, I didn't wanted to make a boring angsty story, so I've opted for a non-usual end. I really hope it's not gonna deceive you though ;__; it would be really bad if so x) But the friend who correct my mistakes told me she liked it, so I hope you're gonna appreciate it too! I think there're still two or three chapters maybe before the end. Prepare yourself! x) 

By the way, maybe you wonder where all this story comes from. Well, as you might have noticed, the colored smoke takes an important place in the story, and this is because of an image I had one day in my head, an image literally stuck in my mind and I thought I had to make something of it. The image was simple, just a colorful smoke rising, and I found it beautiful and inspiring. I was already thinking of writing an angsty Kaisoo fic so I decided to start writing with those two elements in mind –the colorful smoke and the Kaisoo pairing. So yeah, this story has been written without any idea of the final product, and that's way I said I have finally find how it's gonna end. Hm, if you want to write a story, I suggest you to think a minimum of the structure you want before starting, because it's kinda difficult to finish something when you don't even know how you want it to end x) (well, obvious, haha.) 

And there's something else, it's that I've been inspired by several angsty Kaisoo fanfics I've read, and they were so good it gave me the inspiration to write something myself. There's one I'm so sorry I don't remember what it was (I'll try to find it to tell you) and the other is the well-known Anterograde Tomorrow by Changdictator. Seriously guys, read this fics (on Live Journal) this is definitely my favorite one, there is simply no word to describe how well this is written and how you feel after finishing reading it. And so that's where the cigarette and smoke come from I think. Well, from the other fic too. 

WOW, I think I talked a lot this time xD

So, I'll stop for now! Thank you guys! See you at the end of the next chapter, or in the comments! ~~