‘Tell him to move his hand a bit lower and say hello to our lovely friend Dongwannie~’, that same old voice echoed in my head.

I could see him there, in my head, in my room, standing while laying his left side of his body against the white wall. He stood there, to the left side of a window with bars. The window in my room has a white curtain on it though. Anyways, there he was, having on him nothing but fluffy and black cat-ears, a black tight boxers, and his familiar wicked smile, looking straight at my best friend with a sinful gaze. 

‘Stop that!’, I said while gritting my teeth. I was now standing with my hands clenched tightly and a gaze that was sent to kill. I looked at him and demanded him to stop. I just couldn't bear seeing (what suppose to be) myself acting this way, it's just so wrong. 

‘HaHaHaHaHa~’, he laughed a muffled dark laugh, glanced at me and then set his gaze back on my friend.

If I only knew when, or how, did he get himself in my head, then maybe, and just maybe, I could've figure something out by now; like get him out of my head in the same ing way he got in, and get him out of my life for good. 

As for now, the way I handled it (him), was literally "handling it"...

Ehh... How should I explain it in a way I won't make myself sound like a complete ert... Touching myself brings him satisfaction(?)... So-... basically, getting myself off - gets him off my back, at least for awhile...

(Great...) I think I hate myself a little more now, if that even possible. But anyway, to the point, you see, this voice-.. well, I call this voice Wan. 

'Come on Dongwannie~ let's have some fun~~', Wan slyly said to me with a chuckled. 

'OK. Wan.', I said precisely. 'I have one thing to say to you. Here I go, listen carefully: Shuuuut Uuuup', I dragged the last words and emphasized them with my hands, making an annoying face in the process.

Wan...

I gave him his name at the age of 18. I realized - "the best way of handling a problem, is to acknowledge it first(!)". So, you can say, I basically gave my problem a name. (...yeeeah...)
[Cough] Well, anyway~ Wan, as you clearly see, is a part of my name (Dongwan), as I acknowledge this voice as part of me, (as much as I would like to deny it). I thought a lot about how to call him, and I've chosen to give him that part of my name that was defining him the best. I think that this part of my name is a name that fits his character best; right to the point kind of name, sharp and strong and manly, as I see it. So this is why it's "Wan". 

In short, "Wan" has been the name I gave him after some months of giving it some thought, thinking it would be the right thing to do and the right name that suits him. He has been recognizing this (part of my) name as his own too ever since.

'Will you Just LOOK at him?.. gosh...', I don't get how he can control himself with the hand of this incredible y man on his chest.

'Wan.', I said, my gaze even more frustrated. 'LISTEN to me:  Shut . Up . ', my voice got darker. (My voice is now more similar to-..NO. Don't you say that. I'm not going to say that. Never. No way.)

Even after so much time I have Wan in me, I can't answer who is Wan exactly - since I'm not exactly sure of that myself.

I guess that from so much self-denying I was unknowingly feeding a beast. At some point that voice was formed and I've gotten his voice in my head. A voice that got stronger with time, (so much stronger that it's almost as if it has grown a personality of its own). A voice that has a contrasting yearns and behaviors from mine, and yet - has the very same. A voice that tries to make me lose control. He is one of my selves, the one voice that got a name.
(Except the other one that gotten his name first, but we'll get to that sometime else...)

'Ehmm, I'd like to know how he tastes like...', I said while gazing at Minwoo's lovely lips.

'Wan..', I tried to shut him off. ‘Please... just-..stop.’, my voice unintentionally trembled an inevitable beg. (I hated it.)

'Minwoo...' My body feels warmer as I think of him beneath me, as I think of him in my hands. My blood rushes through my veins gradually, and I can already feel my lower body part tighten.

'Wan', it feels like I'm on the edge of crying. My body reacts unintentionally, out of my control. And I can't cope with these thoughts that's flashing in my head. These thoughts of me and my best friend. It's just not right. This is just horrible. ‘Please...’ That unbearable, meek, plea in my voice, which gives him more power and drains mine. (I hated it.)

'...just-..h-he is my friend!.' How weak my voice sounded compare to his prideful and arrogant behavior. So pitiful, so-... pathetic. (I hated it.)

I hated myself.

But what I hated more, was him.

His voice. Him using my voice, in my head. Him using my face, my body. These pictures, these-.. scenes, he shamelessly shows me, forces me to watch. What he's doing to me (...) with all of his filthy existence, the way he messes with my head, (god..) I just, detest it. And I despise him.

If I had to describe Wan in a few words, I guess, I would describe him like that:

Firstly, he is a Dom. You know - a dominating man, who takes the sadistic role in sadomasochistic ual activities. As what lots of others get wrong, a dom is not necessarily a sadist. And Wan is, definitely​, not a sadist. 

For your information, if I may, I'd like to dig a little deeper in this:

Real Sadist is not looking for a partner who wishes to cooperate with him, but rather hurts out of violent and cruel motives in his impending victim. 
Whereas, a masochistic behavior usually occurs in agreement/consent, as a game, with partners that are affiliates to a shared fantasy and to this ual practice. Or as Deleuze writes: "They (sadists) wish to be certain their crimes cost tears; they would send away any girl who was to come here voluntarily. Neither would the masochist tolerate a truly sadistic torturer".

If you'd ask me, the complementarity 'partner' of a sadist is a victim to abuse or a tortured prisoner, while the 'partner' of a masochist is an active partner to the fantasies and the games, and often even takes the role of the Dom.​

Sigmund Freud combined the two behaviors to the term one: sadomasochism. But you see, two opposites not necessarily make a whole. In a real sadist and a real masochist case - you'll have a poisonous and dangerous​ "relationship". While two masochists can have a sadomasochistic realtionship, in a way, that both we'll enjoy, and make sure the other enjoys too. 

By the way, I realize I haven't mentioned it before, but I have some masochistic sides within me. Wan is an embodiment of this bottled up nature of mine. One of two embodiment, but again, this one is for later.

Even though Wan isn't a sadist, he is a possessive er. And a ert. He's terribly naughty, wicked and mischievous. He's strong, very strong. And arrogant too. He just can't let himself shown as a weak man, it will hurt he's pride. He's not a man who cries, not him. He has a likes to draw (like I do). He seems to be living his life for and for only, and from what he shows me (gosh.. I can't believe I'm saying that with my own mouth) he seems to be good at it too (...even though, I must state - I'm a still ! and I'm not ashamed of it at all. Well, you should be! WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND DON'T INTERRUPT ME?! You !). He's an . (-tsk-) And, a bit of a maniac. Really, sometimes he's just too crazy. He's also bad-tempered, he could snap pretty easily, and overreact and exaggerate everything and act mindlessly, as the reckless, impetuous impulsive man he is.

So, you could clearly see why I should dislike him.

But, even though he is all that... I became aware over the years of a couple of his good virtues, as surreal it may sound, he really does have some. 

P a s s i o n . . . Passion is his thing, I assure you. Sometimes, he can be so intense, it's captivating. When our heart is set on someone in any way, this someone is the only one Wan is going to think of, want and need. He won't even set his eye on anyone else but his special someone. He is extremely devoted. 100% loyal. And although he can be very cold and heartless, he has a good (hurted and wounded) heart, and he can be very emotional and even L-(arg..), even loving too (I hate admitting that.. but it's true, he wants the other to be and feel loved more than he wants to feel and be loved himself, and he wants that so bad it hurts). But, again, if this special person wants anyone but him, he won't let this person get away from him. He'll do anything - a-n-y-thing - to get him back, willingly or not, if he wants something or someone - he takes it, he gets it, there's no exceptions. I think...

..

For Wan's complicated and messed up character, in the very bottom of my heart, you'll find out that, actually, I grew fond of him.

..

But he still is a childish and devilish mothaer and I still hate him with every bit of my existence!!! [glare]

'Come on! let's have some fun, Kim Dongwan~~ kekeke', Wan chuckled. (I swear I'd be cutting his head off with my bare hands by now if I only could...)

'SHUT UP!', I shook my head as I try to shake all of the yielding out of my system. I can't be weak now, I can't... 'JUST SHUT UP! and get your eyes straight: Minwoo is a man, and I told you already - I'm straight!', I said to him, completely sure of myself. (yeah right..) (what?) (nothing, nothing..)

'OH-HOOOO!!..', I head his frustrated voice ringing in my head. 'I thought we went past this stage already!... Dongwan. Listen to me. You Are GAY.' 

I couldn't stand his voice anymore, I started mumbling words, not wanting to here him. 'shut up I can't hear you shut up shut up'. 

'COME ON ALREADY! Would you get your head out of your cowardly ? You are NOT straight. Your at least Bi, but defiantly not straight, hear me?' 

'shut up shut up shut up I don't hear you shut up' My eyes are shut and my hands are on my ears, trying to block each lie he tells me. 

'Alright. Leave it then. You're boring me anyway. He on the other matter, isn't~', I stopped my act as my eyes opened up in fear. I turned my head to him, as he was now standing in the room.

I saw him looking at my friend intently, and then I heard him humming this one, long, deep moan. '...mmm...Gosh, he's so hot! I'm sure he won't mind us having some fun~~ ha-ha!~~ Dongwannie, Come On~~'

'NO! He's my best friend, you ert! I'm not approving of your disgusting images and ideas - so stop showing them to me! this is my freakin head! MY HEAD! HEAR ME!?', even I was surprised out of my voice, and I swear I saw Wan takes one step back. (that right Dongwan! stand up to him!~) I smiles as I heard a voice cheering me up in the back of my head, I think my self-loathed feelings have just decreased a little. 

'Oh-oh-oh, someone is a bit edgy~​... Listen, baby, I could've fantasized about a-n-y-one else, you know that. It's simply your fault for liking your best friend '

'W-What?!', my voice unintentionally trembled. 'What are you talking about?! ha-aha-ha-ha..' Well, ain't I the definition of awkward... I face-palm myself in my mind over my unconvincing act. Usually I'm better at covering it, more convincing. But, really, who am I trying to fool? My own self?... 

'Don't get between me and my friend. STAY AWAY. I don't wanna hear from you today. I won't let you take over me. NEVER. So, just, get lost already, you jerk!'

I stare straight at him, unyielding, almost.
I notice that he's looking right at me. 

His gaze... 

Theres no light in his eyes anymore. 
His eyes, they are different than before. 

He is serious.

Completely, serious.

('Since when does Wan get serious? Why is he looking at me like that.. Wan, stop that.. it's scary..')

He's too intense.

Yet, I'm trying to look back at him, and I'm not moving my eyes from his.

I find myself looking deeper into his eyes, and he's deeply looking in mine. His eyes are like knives. All the hurt and pain I see he contains within his soul, all his loneliness and needs, like a mirror of my denied yet undeniable feelings. His eyes, deeper than a abyss, shatter their way through my half-hearted walls and rush through my own feelings, mix with my own and overwhelm me in mere seconds. Not more than 3 seconds and my eyes fall to my flour. I feel as if one more second and I would've fall right into his eyes, as if he would've me up into the emptiness within hi