For the next couple of days I sat in my room in front of the door.Holding my phone but forcing my eyes to not wonder to it’s screen. Forcing myself not to jump to the sound of my phone vibrating thinking that it’s him. And wrapping my arms around myself to keep it together. Holding my chest because it just hurts so bad.

But the only solace was that I genuinely felt that I would never see him.

Yet that same thing that gave me solace tore me apart.

But, what I had done, why? Why did I do it.

‘I love him’

‘But it wasn’t your name’

‘Did it have to be my name?’

And as I thought that I came to the cruel realization that that was the reason. Because I was that dedicated, because I was that deluded, because I was that in love. Because I was dedicated.

In my mind I was trying to condone this relationship but the better part of my mind just laid dormant as my heart poured out into my head and through my eyes.

‘He was in my hands and I was in his arms and I couldn’t be satisfied with that?’

‘Maybe if you could at least tell him how you felt you’d at least be half the man you know Guk is since he could at least tell Krystal how he felt’

‘And you just had to go and up even more by telling him about the wedding’

‘He was going to find out eventually, but did you need to do it like that?’

‘Yes’

‘Really. Punish him because you’re selfish, because you want something more out of something you that was in the end nothing in a whole?’

‘Yes’

‘Selfish’

‘Probably’

‘Selfish’

‘Yes’

‘Cruel’

‘Yes’

‘How unfair’

‘Yes’

‘How you’

‘ . . . Yep, that is me’

At some point I started laughing at myself because I was clearly in bad shape. I clearly should get away from myself. I should clearly talk to someone.

‘That someone is him’

‘True’

I needed to get away from myself. I needed to get away from being alone with myself.

I got up from off the floor and actually came out of my room, to quite a surprising view.

“Hey Nam”

“Guk?”

I saw him just sitting on the couch without any care like I hadn’t punched him in the face not long ago. I was just standing there for a good minute.

“I need to get more friends”

“What?” he said

“If you’re all I got, I’m a little disappointed in myself”

“Oh well that’s so sad considering I went out of my way to visit you”

“Yeah it is sad, leave”

“Nam.” he stood up “What happened with Junhong?”

“Figured that was why you were here. What did he say?”

“I only saw him once and he wasn’t happy and didn’t stay long. I figured you’d be down in the dumps too.”

“Why?”

“Intuition”

The problem was that I didn’t know whether or not my brother was lying. Thing is, the whole thing about twins having this extra strong connection didn’t really apply to me and my brother, or it was just me. Sometimes he did just know, when it came to me, but I’m too distrusting to just leave it at that. It may just be me but at the same time I feel like I can’t trust him.

‘It’s probably because he has my face’ I scowled ‘I don’t even trust my own face.’

“What?” he asked me with a sympathetic smile

“I don’t like your face” I said without really meaning to

“Well it’s your face too” he said with a laugh

“I know” I said “Why do you think I hate it so much?” also saying this

My brother’s laughter stopped as he looked at me with concern  “Nam? What-?”

I stopped before he’d ask me annoying question “Do you wanna make me some food?”

“Nam”

“If you’re not here to make me food leave, I don’t feel like cooking the most I’ll do is find someone to ”

“Nam,” he said grabbing my shoulders “The hell is going on”
“What? All of the sudden you’re worried?” I say without really wanting to have this conversation because I knew it was going to lead to some darker places “Suddenly you noticed I’m not fine”
“What suddenly are you talking about!” Guk yelled at me shaking my shoulders “You think I don’t see pain in your eyes? If you weren’t so goddamn stubborn I’d be able to help you”

“Because of course you can fix me”

“I don’t want to fix you I want to help you, but you should at least let me try” the sympathy in his eyes made me push him away

“Cause you think you can make it better”
“Nam-”

“It’s your fault!” I yelled

“And if it is tell me what I did!” he said grabbing me again tighter than before

“Why did it have to be me?” I said to myself “Why you? Why when I was the one that loved him? When I was there and he still saw your face, why was it even when I stand there I couldn’t even see my own reflection?”

“Nam what are you talking about”

“It’s not fair”

“NAm please tell me how to help?

“It’s not fair, I’m the one that loves him”

“Nam-” I cut him off when I grabbed his jacket

“Why did you get to be so happy? Why do you have what I want so bad” I let him go and grabbed my aching head “Why did I let him go. Why isn’t he here? Why can’t I be the one? Why does it hurt so bad? It hurts so bad Guk” I ended up against the wall and sliding to the ground

“Nam hold it together”
I just wanted everything to stop hurting so much. I wanted some peace. I want to be at some kind of peace.

‘I need to sleep’ I pushed my brother out the way and I went to the bathroom and grabbed the sleeping pills I kept in my cabinet when Yongguk grabbed me.

“Stop it Nam. Let’s talk okay? I’ll make you something good to eat, we can watch tv, we can do whatever you want but you have to put those down”

I looked at him for a minute and then the pills and tried to bring my head to my hand since in his grip my arm was not going to soften but this too was stopped.

“Stop!” I yelled “I’ll only take two I swear!” not really even sure if I was telling the truth

“Nam stop it!”

“Let me go!” I dropped the pills as I hit I clawed at his hand that held my wrist

“Come on” he began to drag me out of the bathroom and I tried uselessly to get away.

Yongguk dragged me into the living room and threw me on the couch “Move and I’ll hit you.” he warned leaning down and swiping his thumb over my cheek “Wipe your face off while I make you some lunch okay?” I hadn’t noticed when I started crying but ignored that as I wiped my face

‘Of course you’d threaten me and offer me something all in the same sentence’

“You still hate eggs?” he asked

“Yeah” I said quietly as I looked out my window

“I guess we at least still have that in common” he said with a chuckle as he put the sausage in the frying pan

I turned around and watched as he did nothing but cook. When he had to turn around he’d smile and wave at me and get back to cooking, ing weirdo.

‘The hell he smiling for?’

When he was finished he came and brought two plates over to me and I eyed it suspiciously as one was handed to me. He sat next to me and I began to eat and watch tv. I looked at him and the food and then out the window.

“Hey” Yongguk barked making me jump “Eat, you haven’t ever had my cooking so you should at least try it” he said his face melting into a smile

I looked at the food and then slowly ate a little bit at a time. It tasted really good.

‘When was the last time I ate again?’

“You haven’t for a while have you Nam?” Yongguk asked bringing my head to his shoulder as he started to my hair “You should eat more. You’re getting too thin Nam.”

‘It taste good’

“You want me to get you some more?” Yongguk asked eagerly

I hadn’t even noticed that I had finished it all

“I didn’t give you too much, if you overeat and do it quickly it can make you sick, you wanna try and eat some more Nam?”

I looked at him and he became a bit of a blur beside me as I nodded

“Okay I’ll be back”

He came back quickly and sat with me in the same position and asked after I had eaten the second time if I wanted more and I declined and then we just sat there. He my hair and I watched the tv, sneaking a peek at our reflections. My brother was right I was thin, I was always smaller than him by a little bit but it was showing a lot more. And my hair looked a little matted and had grown. We weren’t the same. I wasn’t him.

‘I’m not him’

“Hand me the remote” I said “I’m tired of watching this”

Yongguk smiled as he silently handed me the remote I flipped through the channels till I found Saving Private Ryan as Yongguk’s eyes sparkled in excitement and I stopped the channel search there. And I sat there silently as I clung to the brother that ensured, in just his presence, that I was me.   

I wanted to post this while I had my hands on a computer. Well how was the chapter? Do you guys like it? I really like this story. Well you know what you should do, COMMENT. I really love it when I get comments if you liked story tell me what you liked about it. How do you fel about Nam's attitude towards Yongguk? What do think will happen in the next chapter? Why do you think the two of them hate eggs? Comment and I'll answer any questions you have.