That’s what happened to start it all. Now he hangs around me as lot and he stays apartment for long periods of time. I’ve gotten to know him better, maybe for the worst but at least better.

He doesn’t call me by my name much. It’s either Nam or hyung and it’s usually the latter. I think it’s because when he calls me by my name, it’s like being knocked out of this little fantasy.

I also noticed that I have a thing for biting him. Today when Guk had his arm over Junhong’s shoulder he saw the hickey I left and let go over the younger who had noticed. But Guk didn’t say anything more about it, but the cringe on his face and the way he just let go of Junhong’s shoulder made me a little too happy. Junhong had to go into work so he left Guk and I alone. But not really wanting to talk to him I left him alone in my living room ‘to take the hint to leave’ but he followed me into my room. And it just so happened he wanted to talk about Junhong.

He walked into me on my computer,

“Hey Nam,”

“Yeah?” he just stood there and scratched his head

“Um . . . is Junhong dating someone?”

This is what I wanted to say ‘ ‘Yeah. Me. Jealous? You should be’ ’ but then I’d be lying, now wouldn’t I?

“Why?” I said a little too harshly to go unnoticed

“What?” he said surprised

“It’s not really any of our business is it?” I said trying to remedy the situation “So what if he has a girlfriend?”

“No Nam it’s just-he has hickeys”

I turned around from my computer, annoyed, to look at him.

“Guk, you have hickeys.” I said plainly and unamused “And quite frankly you should try harder covering them up” I added knowing that seeing them upset Junhong

“That’s not it though!” he barked shocking the both of us, he sat down on my bed and I turned around entirely “He had hickeys no chick, regardless the position, could put on him”

I looked at him and his serious expression and ended up rubbing my temples because as of late his face always came with a migraine.

“So you’ve come to the conclusion that Junhong is sleeping with a man?”

My brother’s head fell and as he started to rub his temples he nodded.

“. . . Anything else?”

“What” he asked shocked looking up at the sound of my lack of interest

“Is that all you have to say cause that can’t be the only thing you came in here to talk to me about, cause I have better things to do.” I lied

“B-better things to do? Nam you can’t be serious!” he yelled “We need to talk to him about this!”

“I have,” I said coldly but well enough to slip by “when he came out the closet when he was 15”

“W-what?”

“Yeah” I said scowling unintentionally at my brother’s oblivious nature

His head fell into his hands and I scoffed in my head “Junhong’s-”

“Yes he is”

“An-and you knew?” he asked looking up at me “H-he told you?”

“U-uh y-y-yeah” I said mocking my brother “he told me.”

“But-”

I cut him off “Why? Maybe it’s because I’m the only other gay guy he knew then or because my parents kicked me out when I came out-maybe- just maybe because I’d understand him”

“Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be there for him!”

‘Yeah the problem is you’d just be there for him’

“Look this is just how he is, okay?”

“But” my brother stood up and ran a hand through his hair as he paced in a row

“But what?” I said getting supremely annoyed at him

And then he said something that I could hardly believe was coming out of his mouth

“He shouldn’t-he shouldn’t be with a man”

I gasped accidentally and crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at him “Well isn’t homophobia a ugly color on you-”

“Nam that’s not even it!”

“Than what is it?” I yelled  

“He-he shouldn’t-he shouldn’t be with a man!” he yelled back almost as if he were in a panic

“Why not!” I questioned  

“Because he shouldn’t!”

“That’s not a reason Yongguk!”

He grabbed his hair out of pure frustration like he was going to pull it out and then let out an exhausted sigh “He just shouldn’t” he said “Not when-” then stopped and laid his head against the wall

‘Don’t tell me . . .’

“Yongguk” I said starting to walk to him

“What” he groaned against the wall

‘Are you in love with Junhong? Are you in love with him?’

“ ‘Not when’ what, Yongguk?”

He was silent before he sighed and turned around “Not when I have so many things planed”

“Like”

He stood there silently and then turned around with a pathetic goofy smile said “My wedding”

‘ . . . . . . . . . . My younger brother is an idiot’

“Mom and dad said I should be married by now and I have been with her for two years now”

I just stood there.

“Better sooner than later, right?”

“And what does Junhong have to do with this” I growled “What does he have to do with your goddamn wedding? With your ing plans, huh?” I grabbed his collar and pushed him up against the wall and glared at him “You better give me a good goddamn answer er!”

“Nam the hell’s wrong with you?”

“Tell me what it is about Junhong that would ruin you’re oh so special ing day!”

“. . . . Coming with another man.”

‘ . . . . . . . Another . . . man. Another?’

I stared at him for a minute.

‘Are you in love with Junhong? Our little Junnie? Are you in love with Junnie? Are you in love with my Junnie?’

“So let me ask you this” I said letting go of his collar “Would you be okay with him coming to the wedding with a woman?”

‘And not only lying about his uality but also to himself, all for you?’

“ . . . Yes.”

I punched him. My fist made a really nasty sound against his cheek. And he fell to the floor holding his face and then he gave me the most confused face I think either of us could make.

“Before I kick you out I want to ask you one thing.” I said rubbing my hand looking down at him

“If you should apologize through a letter or on your knees?” he said standing up

I was unamused and ignored what he said “Do you really not see it?”

He looked at me still just as confused as before but angrier and battered “See what?”

‘ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  .   .    .     . JUNHONG’S LOVE YOU UNDESERVING SELFISH THICK SKULLED DICKLESS OBLIVIOUS HAPPY-GO-ING-LUCKY IDIOT!’

“. . . Nothing”

I would keep Junhong’s secret regardless of what it meant, for anyone.

“Well isn’t this dandy, Krystal is gonna be mad if this don’t heal by the engagement party” he said with a chuckle trying to remedy the situation

“And am I supposed to care? Get out.”

“Nam,” he paused and then sighed like he’d given up what he was going to say “At least try not to punch me when you come to the party.”

“Get out!”

That last one startled him and he left silently.

I hadn’t realized how hard I was clinching my fist or that I was clinching them until I saw the crescent intent of my nails in my palms. I looked at them for a moment then I noticed I was actually shaking with rage. I didn’t take my frustrations out on the furniture or my closet or myself. No, I thought to wait for him but then had a better idea and I grabbed my phone.

[Over the phone]

Junhong: [Hello?]

[Junnie~] I said almost in a growl

I heard the younger swallow hard and it made me chuckle despite my mood.

Junhong: [A-ah ahem h-hi hyung.]

[Junnie, come home.] I said

Junhong: [H-hyung I’m at work I-I can’t]

I chuckled again and decided to play with the younger [Why not Junnie? Don’t you like hyung anymore? Cause right now, hyung is really liking the thought of you.]

Junhong: [H-hyung that’s not fair] he whined

[Wanna know what won’t be fair?] I said with a chuckle [All the teasing I’m gonna put you through tonight if you don’t come home right now.] he gasped

Junhong: [B-but hyung!] he said sounding needy he was silent a minute and then continued [Okay I’ll try and dump my work on the intern working under me.]

[Okay, see you soon]

Junhong: [Yeah, see you soon.]

I hung up and with really no motivation looked out the window of my living room. A long time ago I found out that filling your home people doesn’t make it less lonely. Because that bored feeling will knaw on your nerves till you give up on the parties you throw or go to. Or you’ll be with someone and you’re connected but you don’t feel the energy just another boredom that’s harder to deal with, emptiness. At that point you’re so alone that everything is pointless until some cute kid comes in and snaps you out of it, because you fell asleep in the tub without intending to. Your wakeup call is the tears of a child that’ll smile through a storm because he’ll find the silver lining, and the guilt of taking that smile away because you fell asleep in the goddamn tub.  He’ll smile at you like you’re the only thing that matters. And while I was getting better that mattered a lot to me because when I was kicked out, being held in that light of admiration when you didn’t even think you deserved to breathe the same air as them, was all I had.

‘He actually tried to learn to cook because I wasn’t good at that point, I ended up learning to cook so he’d come over more.’

That may not seem like much but it was. To me, it was a lot. He was about 11, really mature for his age though. Independent, strong willed, he had an argument with his parents over the phone in front of me and ended it with [he’s human. I don’t see why he’s any less than that man you married, who isn’t the one talking to me right now, just because he sleeps with you a woman. I’ll see you at dinner mom]. He’s the first person that made me feel worth it. Worth anything.

Maybe I shouldn’t love him. ‘Actually I know I shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean anything. Knowing it shouldn’t be done. Doesn’t automatically stop it and that is the worse part about it . . . maybe not the worst part, but close to it.’  

I probably shouldn’t love him so much.

‘He’s six years my junior. In love with another man and not only another man but my twin brother. But it’s Choi JUNHONG. He’s smart, caring, lovely, talented, wonderful, dedicated, mature, strong willed.  . .  And he’s not mine. And I can’t have him.’

But it’s okay because I love him. And he makes me not as empty.

When he smiles at me

Even if it’s a smile not for me

I’m not as empty

I’m not empty when he smiles

‘I like to think it’s because I’m filled with love.’

‘ . . . . I’d like that to be the reason’

As I think that, I smile, and see that is the reason.

So how was that? I love writing this story and a lovely littel suscriber have me a vote! I don't know what the votes mean but if it means she likes it Yay! So poor Nam right? How do you guys feel about Guk right now? I love these characters! Did anyone else see Bling Bling's Mv? THE LORD! GKHGSJJNKDVHAHAHJAJJWKKD I FELT IT IN MY SOUL! But anyways remember to comment tell me how your feelin on this chapter and even if you love me tou could maybe give me a vote? Maybe? ^_~