She peeked around the corner to the main room, her fingers clenching and her heart dropping at the sight of her beloved doll sitting in the middle of the room. Everything about the scene was beautiful; the spring sun shone through the windows and lit him up, his whole face glowing. From this distance, she almost couldn’t see his sunken cheeks and bloodshot eyes. He almost looked like he was sleeping.

But everything was not alright. N hadn’t moved from that one spot since Seok-jin’s death, his eyes unmoving from the charred place where his brother had burned. He hadn’t reacted to anything she or her mother did; his listlessness and apathy so scary she felt wrong to use his doll. While he didn’t say or do anything, she could almost feel his pain if she moved him. So while it hurt her to see him wither away like that, she let him be.

As quietly as she could, though he wouldn’t move regardless if she was loud or not, she went to the fridge and pulled out the breakfast her mother had prepared for them. His bowl was bigger, the fish fresher; her mother had become softer with N ever since the incident. When her mother had first come up when Seok-jin had been burning and N screaming and uselessly trying to put the flames out with his bare hands, she was afraid she would grab the iron rod and beat them all. But all her mother did was quickly gather a bunch of water from the faucet and dump it on Seok-jin, though it was too late.

Her mother got rid of Seok-jin’s unrecognizable body, saying nothing to the two of them as she went straight to the basement. N had cried nonstop at first, clawing at the floor and screaming Seok-jin’s name repeatedly, and it broke her to see her strong, beautiful N this way. She tried to comfort him then, but it was as if she didn’t exist. He ignored her as he cried, crying until he finally fell asleep with his body curled around the burn mark on the floor. After a few days, he cried less and less, until this motionless N remained in his place.

She didn’t like this N.

Carrying the platter of food as carefully as she could, she moved to his side and placed it on the floor. She knelt silently as she tenderly wrapped her arms around his unmoving shoulders, her heart clenching at the glossed look in his eye. She laid her chin on his shoulder, her lip trembling when he didn’t so much as flinch at her touch. He looked so tired and sick.

“N…,” she whispered, gently pressing her lips against his cheek. Tears rolled down her cheeks when he didn’t move. “I’m so sorry.” She picked up the wet rag she had prepared, tenderly cleaning his dry, tear-stained face. He still didn’t move. “You have to get better,” she said quietly, talking to herself, “it makes me so sad to see you like this. I hate seeing you like this.” She paused around his eye, taking great care as she cleaned his eyelid. “I want to see you smile again. Can you smile N?” He didn’t move.

Sighing, she burrowed herself into his lap, wrapping his limp arms around her in a false sense of warmth and security. She glanced at the plate of food, looking over and feeling N’s sunken cheeks, knowing he needs to eat. Without leaving his lap, she scooped a small spoonful of rice, shifting slightly as she used her other hand to pry his lips open. He didn’t fight her, his glossy eyes staring into nothing as she shoved the spoon in his mouth.

“Please eat,” she whispered, hiding her frustration when he didn’t eat the food, letting the spoon sit on his tongue. “N…” She tipped the food onto his tongue and pulled the spoon out, moving his jaw up and down until he eventually swallowed. Her tired face brightened at the improvement, hurriedly scooping a larger bunch of rice, placing a piece of fish on top before abruptly shoving it in his mouth.

He gagged, spitting the food out as he coughed, his hands pulling away from her as he held his chest. She dropped the spoon as she cupped his face in her hands, watching pitifully as he struggled to breathe. “I’m sorry,” she gushed, only calming when his coughs lessened and his hands fell uselessly by his side. His eyes, for just a second, flitted to look at her and she could feel her whole day brighten.

The next day, she forced herself in his lap and rocked lightly, singing sweet songs her mother used to sing to him.

After a few days, his hands that she wrapped around herself started to tighten.

Two weeks after Seok-jin’s death, when she sat down in his lap, he wrapped his arms around her himself, placing his chin on her head.

Later that day, when she came to bring him his food, he turned his head and smiled at her, reaching out and bringing her to his lap. He willingly opened his mouth for her and let her feed him, chewing on his own.

But no matter how much he was progressing, he still refused to move from that one spot.

One day, while sitting in his lap and letting him rock her, she reached over and felt his hair, now reaching his shoulders. It was getting so long, caked in grease and dirt from never cleaning it. She needed to wash him, to clean him up and make him look like new again. She twirled a lock of his hair between her fingers when an idea suddenly popped in her head, though she almost immediately shot it down, realizing she would have to go outside for that. She was afraid, never wanting to leave the house without N again...however…

N needed her, and she would do anything to bring her N back.

When she was sure her mother was in the basement, she dressed herself and went to the main room where N sat. Biting her lip, she moved to his side where he turned and smiled at her, spreading his arms out to welcome her into his arms. She smiled as she pushed his hands back down, relishing the confused look on his face.

“I have to go,” she said carefully, watching his brows knit, “I’ll be back later. I promise.” She moved to pull away and his grip tightened, wordlessly telling her to stay. She almost gave up right there, her body craving to be in his lap. But she needed to do this; it was the only thing she could think of to make him smile. So, while forcing the widest smile she could, she pushed him away. “Stay here, okay?” She didn’t know why she asked, he wasn’t going to move, but felt the need to hear something from him, to not see him stare at her like that.

He watched her all the way up until she opened the door; the moment she stepped foot outside he scrambled to his feet, running to her side. She stared in muted shock, never having thought leaving would be the thing that would make him move. “W-what are you doing?” she asked, looking his face over to see why he suddenly stirred. She waited for his answer, her fingers shaking, but he continued to stay silent, his eyes still having that glossed look. Her face fell.

“Stay here,” she said, weakly pushing him back inside, faltering when he silently grabbed her hands and held her fast. She hesitated, his actions and eyes screaming the opposite as he willed her to stay and go. “N…”

She kept her head down low as she stole a glance at the silent man next to her, his glossy eyes focused forward as he held her hand tightly in his. He hadn’t said anything after following her, instead silently walking by her side. She sadly looked up at him, watching the wind swirl his long hair around his face. She was happy that he had finally moved, though that happiness was dampened by that fact that it was not because he wanted to, but more out of obligation.

She walked around for a bit until a small store that looked similar to the one she and N frequented came into view. She broke away from N’s grip as she hurriedly ran inside, hiding her face when the man behind the counter looked up at her. Walking quickly enough that N was left behind, she looked down each row of shelves, frowning when she didn’t see it.

“Can I help you with something?” She nearly jumped out of her skin at the sudden voice behind her, and she could see N angrily stalking his way over to them.

“I-I’m looking for something,” she said softly, her heart beating heavily against her chest as she tried her best to stay calm. The man nodded his head, waiting, and she swallowed, her eyes darting to N who stood silently behind the man, ready to help her if need be. “I need…” she grabbed her hair, hoping he would understand.

“Ah, I see. Follow me.” She grabbed N’s hand and followed the man as he led her down a few more shelves, stopping in front of rows upon rows of bottles. She brightened when she saw pictures of hair on them, these no doubt being what she looked for. “Are you looking for shampoo, conditioner, or hair dye?” She blinked incomprehensively at him and the man groaned loudly, earning a harsh glare from N. “What do you want to do with your hair?”

“C-color?” she whimpered out, subconsciously her hair again.

“If you want to color your hair, we have a wide selection of colors here. What color are you thinking of? We have blonde, brown, red…” He trailed off when he saw she wasn’t listening; her attention on the row of bottles, trying to see if the one she wanted was there. There were all kinds of colors…but the one she wanted…there it was! Knowing she had two sets of eyes boring into her back, she snatched her desired bottle and held it tightly to her chest, her cheeks red.

“You’re going to have to pay for that,” the man said, and she pulled in on herself as she nodded. He took her back to the front of the store, going behind the counter and pressing a few buttons on what looked like a computer. “That’ll be 10,000 won.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out all the money she stole from N, staring at it in confusion before just shoving all of it at him. He gave her a look of disbelief before straightening out her crumpled bills, handing a few of them back. She didn’t waste any time running out of there, yanking N by his shirt and sprinting down the road. It wasn’t until she was completely out of breath that she stopped, gasping for air.

N reached out and took her face in his hands, his lidded eyes the only indication he was checking to see if she was okay. She smiled, still panting, as she placed her hands over his, relishing in how warm he was. “Let’s get back,” she said as happily as she could, hoping he couldn’t hear how forced she sounded. She would never let him know how terrified she had been back there.

She had to be strong for N.

She opened the front door very slowly, peeking her head in and checking to see if her mother was there. She could only imagine what her mother would do if she knew they had snuck out. Luckily, she was still in the basement. Breathing out a huge sigh of relief, she ushered N inside and closed the door behind her. She paused when N walked right past her and sat back down next to the charred floor, his hands tenderly brushing the burnt wood. Her eyes softened.

“N…” She went to his side, “you need to-” She yelped when he suddenly reached out and pulled her down onto his lap, hugging her tight. “N-” He cut her off by shoving her face into his chest, cradling her as he rocked her back and forth. “You need to shower!”

He froze, allowing her to free herself and crawl out of his lap. “You haven’t showered in a long time, your hair is yucky and you smell.” He blinked at her, slowly bending his head to smell himself. “Come on, we can shower together.” He started at that, his mouth hanging open slightly making her giggle. “Don’t worry, I won’t look when you wash your special parts. Promise.” He stuttered as she dragged him up, this time having a much easier time getting him to stand.

She laughed at his uncomfortable face as they huddled in the shower together, the water raining down on the both of them. She had stripped , not seeing any problem being in front of her doll, though he seemed to have other ideas, still wearing his pants. He refused to look at her, his cheeks tinted red, and she could see he was embarrassed.

“Bend down,” she demanded, his eyes widening. “I want to wash your hair but you’re too tall. Bend down.” Very carefully, he started to kneel down, though she took this as initiative to push him down. His arms flew around to catch himself, barely stopping himself from splattering on the floor. He looked up at her in shock but she only smiled sweetly in response, squishing his cheeks.

She opened the bottle of shampoo and started to massage his head, crunching his hair as she worked all the layers of grease away. As she worked, she noticed his eyes slowly closing. She waited until he seemed almost asleep before pulling out the bottle she had just bought, whipping off the cap and pouring a good amount on his head. He didn’t seem to notice, so she started to massage it into his head, not leaving a strand alone.

She giggled when his hair started to change color, and she sneakily placed a kiss on his cheek before setting about to cleaning her own hair. She used the same solution as N’s, and looked on approvingly when her hair changed too. She washed down N’s upper body with the soap, her hand hesitating over the scar on his side, the wound puckered and hard. She took his hands and gently lathered his fingers in the warm water, cleaning under his nails.

Without waking him, she turned the water back on and set about washing his hair out. She stood proudly when his hair shone beautifully, the strands feeling soft and light. She cleaned herself off and stepped in front of him, the shower water still running down their faces.

“N,” she said sweetly, patting his cheek to wake him up. “N?” His eyes blinked open, blearily looking around before landing on her. His eyes snapped open as he hurriedly looked back down; she giggled. “You need to wash your special parts now. I’ll let you do that on your own.” He still refused to look up at her, his eyes looking everywhere but at her, until they locked on something. His hand shot out and grabbed a fistful of her hair, yanking it in surprise.

She yelped when he shot to his feet, finally looking at her as he took in her now gray hair, pulling her face this way and that. He dropped her hair as he grabbed his own, pulling the long locks into view and his mouth dropping. She chuckled at his expression, watching a flurry of emotions pass over his emotionless face before he turned to her.

“Do you like it?” she asked hopefully, watching as his eyes continuously looked back to his hair. This gray was a little lighter than the one he had originally, but she hoped he wouldn’t mind. He didn’t say anything for the longest time, the only sound being the soft pitter-patter of the shower, when suddenly…he laughed. She blinked, her turn to be shocked, when his whole body shook with each chuckle, the glossed look in his eye replaced with a soft sparkle. “You like it?”

“Saet-byul…” dropped at the whisper of her name, his voice sounding as lovely as she remembered. She wanted to hear it again.

“I want to cut your hair,” she announced, holding up the scissors and turning to N, who after dressing sat on her bed. “Your hair is getting long.”

“I’ll cut it,” he said quietly.

“I want to try,” she interjected quickly, jumping on her bed and standing behind him. He made a sound though he didn’t fight, his hands gripping his knees when she made the first cut. “Don’t worry, I won’t cut it too short. I remember you said you didn’t like it like that.” She cut up to the nape of his neck and cutting around his ears, watching in fascination when his hair fluttered to the ground. She moved around in front of him to cut his bangs, cutting them right above his eyebrows. He sat completely still the entire time, only moving when she finished.

She excitedly dragged him back to the bathroom, pulling him to the mirror so he could see her handiwork. He blinked as he leaned forward, turning his head slightly. “You layered my hair?” he asked.

“What does that mean?”

He picked up some of the shorter strand on top of his head, yanking on them. “You made some of the strands shorter. How did you do that?”

“Do you not like it?” she asked worriedly, afraid he would retreat back into himself again. He was just starting to talk again; she was just starting to hear his voice again. She was seeing him smile…she didn’t want to lose that. “I wasn’t sure how to cut your hair. I’m sorry. Hyuk has his hair like that. He told me a lot of boys cut their hair like that so I thought –I’m sorry. If you don’t like it we can cut it again. I’m so sorry N-”

“I love it,” he said with a smile, gently cutting her off.

“I didn’t m– y-you do?”

“Yes,” he said, putting a hand on her head. “Layering is difficult to do; I was just surprised you knew how.” She reveled in the warmth of his hand on her head, the warm feeling blossoming in her chest at the sight of his warm eyes on her. A small smile grew on her lips, not wanting to distract him and ruin this moment. She could stand there with his hand on her head forever. “My Byullie did a good job.”

Her heart swelled.

“You dyed your hair too?”

“I wanted to be the same as you. Mine is pretty, right?”

He laughed again, his hand moving to the back of her head. “It’s pretty.” He led her back into their bedroom, sitting down on the bed and pulling her onto his lap. He leaned his head on her shoulder and she stiffened, his hot breath on her cheek. “So, you gave me the same haircut as your Hyukkie?”

“It was the only kind I knew!”

“Should I be jealous? Now I’m second to your Hyukkie.”

She pulled away as she shifted in his hold, pouting. “You’re always first. Your hair looks much better than his.”

“I’ll have to warn this Hyukkie that he’s not allowed to come anywhere near my Byullie. He’ll have to go through me first.” He pulled her in tighter, and she realized that he wasn’t playing anymore. “My precious Byullie can’t go to anyone.”

“N-”

“Don’t worry,” he said gently, “if you want to love him, I won’t stop you. But until you tell me, I won’t allow it.”