-

 

 

 

---

 

“You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift that she wanted you to have, but it’s lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you can not interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.

 

Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone from the doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.

 

Whenever it rains, you will think of her.”

 

---

 

 

 

Wendy has become a friend of mine .

 

It wasn’t the best coffee talk I had, but she is just so comfortable to be with. She is not so cold as she used to be. I think it takes time. Probably it will get better if I get to know her more.

 

But why it should get better? I don’t really know. Perhaps I really want this friend. She would occasionally have lunch with me or spend some time together chatting, having coffee, talking about what to do after graduating.

 

 

“I guess we’ll hang out more as Seulgi and Joy are kind of together now.”

 

She is scribbling something on a music score and I am taking a break from a research for my final year project.

 

 

“I'm happy for them.” She replies without looking up.

 

“Wanna go somewhere” I bite the tip of my pencil since she is not even trying to talk to me.

 

“I thought you have a project to finish?” She finally looks up but all she does is sighing.

 

 

I try to reach out for her, “Come on, I need a rest.” 

 

“Sorry but I am kind of busy here. Ask Krystal.” She places her head on her other hand, and begins her scribbling again.

 

“Why do you always tell me to turn to Krystal every time?” I get slightly annoyed as I recall what happened last time she did the same thing - she refused to lend me her phone and made me walked for 15 minutes. Although she eventually came up and “saved the day”, I am still mad. She should have known I ain’t giving any chances to Taeyong and his boys.

 

“Because she is also your friend?” She mutters crumpling and throwing another poor piece of paper into the rubbish bin.

 

 

“You busy?” At such moment, I can't help but feel a little hurt by the cold shoulder she has been giving me.

 

“Yes……” She finally takes a glimpse of me and softens her tone. “Okay, I’m sorry. Competition is coming up.”

 

 

“Really? DVD nights next week then?” 

 

“I have a field trip next week.”

 

 

She always keeps a distance between us. I don’t know why. I won’t bite and she is one of the few true friends I have.

 

Joy is all busy celebrating and dating after Seulgi agrees going out with her. So I can only turn to Krystal when I need some company.

 

 

“Pick another movie. It’s boring and full with cliché.” Krystal nudges me while we are watching DVDs at my dorm.

 

“Alright…..” I place the popcorn bowl on the coffee table where she would be too lazy to reach.  

 

“I'd never understand your choice of movies, Irene. I finally understand why Wendy never agree to watch it with you.”

 

“Can you show a little mercy to me? I’m your friend for god’s sake.” I turn around and roll my eyes.

 

 

“If you are my friend, you should at least try to go on a date with Taeyong. He has been bugging me about that. You even ignored him at that party. I didn’t mean you should date him for real….. But please.”

 

I throw her a DVD case, “I have my standards. I have rules. So please say no for me to him.”

 

She catches it, not forgetting to roll her eyes, “What standards you are having here? They’re that hight that even him doesn't worth a try?”

 

“I would if he uses his brain, and acts like a normal male, not some Homo-sapiens in heat all the time.” I kick her signaling her to let me sit down.

 

 

“I think you just like someone else.” Krystal shrugs. “Oh, this is a better movie. Good job, Irene.”

 

“You are delusional. Who will it be?” I reach out to grab some popcorn.

 

“How on earth would I know? You’re pretty dumb if you can’t see it yourself.” Krystal scoffs and I shove a handful of popcorn to to shut her up.

 

 

Times pass fast and I am graduating.

 

Wendy has been very busy on her assignments and competitions.  I heard she is getting a scholarship to study overseas but I didn’t get to ask her about that.

 

Since I am on the verge of exploding. Final year projects, applying for jobs, cheerleading performances and competitions.

 

I have been busier than ever, and than my friends. How I wish there is 48 hours a day.

 

Seulgi and Joy sometimes would come to me, giving me life-supply like RedBull and cup noodles. Krystal, is going back to the States next year with her sister so she is occupied too.

 

 

I thought I could never see Wendy’s face if she didn’t show up in the graduation dinner. I thought she would greet me but instead, she sits at the lounge outside the banquet room and keeps drinking. I wonder what is bothering her so much.

 

As I am ready to march a step, I am stopped by my classmates for a picture and some other ask me to be their partner for the dance later.

 

 

When I get to see her again from the crowd, Seulgi is there talking to her. They look like arguing but they keep it down. Wendy orders another drink after Seulgi storms out in anger.

 

I want to know what happened. From the looks on their faces, it must be something complicated. 

 

 

“Hi, Irene.” 

 

“Hi.” 

 

 

I pulls off my lightest smile in front of Taeyong.

 

 

“Can you dance with me?”

 

I see people whispering to each other. Anyway, it’s always a no for him. Even when it’s his last chance.

 

 

“Come on.  Just say yes!” Someone speaks in a rather loud voice behind the walls of people.

 

Everyone, including me, looks at that direction and it’s no one other than a drunken Wendy. Who else has such a loud voice without shouting? And what? So she’s secretly a shipper or what?

 

I don’t know why but I just know I feel like slapping her.

 

 

Her cheeks are red and so do her eyes. I can’t stand her being a hopeless drunkard so I shout right at her face, “I don’t need you to tell me what to do!” 

 

I feel a lump in my throat and she just stares at me with her sad eyes. I regret immediately doing so. I should not shout at her in front of so many people since she is clearly bothered by something as I saw earlier.

 

 

Just when I am figuring how to end this mess, Seulgi pops up again. “I’m sorry, she’s drunk. You know, they lost the grand competition this year and she blames herself.”

 

“I heard it’s some freshmen sang off key and forgot lyrics.” Taeyong smiles apologetically. “It’s not even her fault.”

 

 

“We lost the cheerleading grand champion this year too.” I concernedly look at the half-conscious girl. It’s clearly not the thing they were arguing for. “Is she…. alright?”

 

“Yes, she will.” Seulgi looks at me with some weird expression before putting Wendy’s arm around her neck. “Goodnight, Irene.”

 

 

I can only watch them walk away. What is the look that Seulgi gave me? Why did she specially address me?

 

 

“I hope Wendy’s fine…… ” Taeyong’s voice rings in my ears again. “So it’s yes or no?”

 

I hate his cheeky smiles and how he always keeps his hands in his pockets. “No.” 

 

 

I ignore all the fuss from the bystanders and rush downstairs.

 

It is raining hard and I could not see the duo in anywhere. They can’t be gone very far. Thinking that they might have already called a cab, I call Seulgi.

 

Bless Park Sooyoung for giving me her number.

 

 

“Seulgi?”

 

“Yes? Oh…. Don’t you puke in the car!! Hold on, we’re almost there……”

 

“You’re heading back to the dorm with Wendy?”

 

“Where else can I take a drunken girl in a dress to?”

 

“Okay. Thanks.” I end the call before she can reply.

 

 

When I get there, Seulgi who is waiting at the front door hushes, “She’s asleep. Come in.”

 

“You know I am coming?” I peek at the room as the bedroom door isn’t properly close.

 

 

“I know you will.” She grins. “Luckily she didn’t throw up as much as I expected. And hey, you'd never shouted besides cheerleading orders.”

 

“Why is she all drunk? Why were you two arguing?” I frowns at the fact that Seulgi manages to smile at times like this.

 

“It’d better if she answers herself.” Seulgi hands me a hot towel. “I should be going now.”

 

“Where are you going? Aren’t you her roommat ?”

 

 

“To get Joy of course. Take your time.” She winks. “I’m not coming back until tomorrow.”

 

“What? Take what time? You’re-” I pause as something clicks into my mind.

 

“You like her, don’t you? Even Joy and Krystal have figured.” Seulgi checks on me. “Oh you have no idea, don’t you?  Why do you care so much about her? Why you always want to know her more? Why did you leave your graduation party for her? Why were you so mad at her?”  

 

 

“So I like her.” I repeat as I look at the ajar bedroom doo.

 

“Bingo. No need to thank me. Bye.” Seulgi leaves in a swift move.

 

 

So she is the something I am looking for? I don’t feel like as lost and empty since she came into my life.

 

So that’s why I always want more? More than friends?

 

 

I tiptoe to her room and see her buried deep under her covers. I frown again at the strong smell of alcohol. I'd never like it and she should not be drinking in the first place.

 

I suddenly feel so sorry so I hold her in my arms. She is slightly shorter than me so she fits right in my arms. 

 

 

She struggles to break away feeling the sudden touch but I just hold her closer. “Let me go.” She grumbles.

 

“It’s me. Irene.” 

 

She opens her eyes slightly at my voice, “Let me go…… Leave me be.”

 

“No,” I pat her head. “I won’t.”

 

 

“Please.”

 

“Why don’t you want to see me? Why are you distancing yourself to me? Why are you drunk? Why are you sad?” 

 

 

Her hands fall on the side of my waist. She isn't hugging me back.

 

It makes me angry somehow. Being rejected by her, over and over again.

 

No matter how hard I tried.

 

 

I hate it when she doesn't seem to care about me when I care every bit about her.

 

“I like you. I’m sorry but I like you. So I'll never say yes to him.”

 

 

She stays quiet. So I get bolder and lean in. She might slap me or call the Police but I am doing it anyway.

 

Please like me too. 

 

 

I want the kiss to last longer but she keeps mumbling something. It makes no sense to me but I guess she might not like the kiss as I do.

 

I decide not to give her the wrong idea so I leave her dorm after tugging her back to sleep. I need a chance to ask her everything again tomorrow. 

 

At least I thought so.

 

 

Seulgi blames me for ruining such chance when I reach their dorm the next day.

 

Wendy is gone. 

 

She is literally gone with all her things.

 

 

 

I ask Seulgi what happened.

 

Seulgi looks like she is about to cry, “Her father has a new job in Canada. And they asked her to leave with them after this semester. She already left when I came back this morning.”

 

“Why didn't she tell me earlier?”

 

“Because she likes you too. But she doesn’t want you to know.”

 

 

“Why?” Why are the both of us so stupid? Why did we make things complicated?

 

By not knowing, not telling. Who is the one to blame, really?

 

 

Seulgi notices the mental struggle I am having, “I don’t understand her either. But I respect her and keep my mouth shut. And I call you a fool for letting her slipped away from your hands last night.”

 

“But….. Where can I find her?”

 

“Man, I wish I can help you. All she left me is a letter. No address.”

 

 

I feel like falling from heaven straight to hell.

 

Either way I lost her.

 

 

I have been bugging Krystal and Seulgi and Joy to see if they have any news from her. Not at all. 

 

She disappears from my life without leaving a goodbye or giving me an explanation. Like her usual style. Come and go whenever she likes.

 

Perhaps she hates herself being gay. Perhaps she decides not to come back anymore.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

It has been two years have passed. 

 

I got myself a decent job and not a decent lover.

 

 

I don’t know if I am waiting for her to return. I'd never hated her for leaving me all the sudden. I only hate myself.

 

I continue my life traveling between my home and my office. I quit cheerleading or dance for once. And I wonder if Wendy has stopped singing.

 

 

I think of her whenever I have coffee. I think of her whenever I am alone. I think of her whenever I reunite with Seulgi and Joy. I think of her whenever it rains.

 

I guess I am still waiting for an ending for this. A proper ending between me and her.

 

 

I just received a call from Krystal who just got back from the States after graduating. She told me there’s something important that we should meet at our old place, a café.

 

Krystal and Seulgi and Joy are all there. Looking at me with guilty eyes. 

 

I notice there’s a box on the table as I walk closer and sit down.

 

 

“Irene.” Krystal clears . “This is what I got from the local post office this morning as I was there to pick up the parcels my parents’ve sent me.”

 

“It’s from Wendy.” Seulgi’s voice trembles as Joy holds her hand. “It is originally for you. It got lost as she mailed it to your dorm but you’ve already moved out. It should be returned to her but she has moved out too...... So it has just laid there for 2 ing years.” 

 

“There may be a clue of where she is, unnie. How faith plans a joke on you two.” Joy gently pushes the box towards me. “Open it.”

 

 

My hands shake unwrapping the box and when I immediately recognize Wendy’s neat handwriting from the mail label.

 

She had actually left me a letter and a CD.

 

 

“You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift that she wanted you to have, but it’s lost before it reaches you.”

 

 

“Hi Irene,

 

It sounds awfully cliché but as you read this letter, I’m already on my way to Canada. I’m so sorry for leaving without a goodbye.  I’m sorry for ruining your graduation party last night. 

 

You have every right to shout at me. I love you but I know we can't be together. It will be really hard for us. Only if you love me too. Suprise, right? Me having feelings for you.

 

And, please, listen to the CD. 

 

I’m sorry for being a coward. I’m sorry I was not brave enough like Seulgi and Joy. 

 

Here is my address in Canada. If you do love me, please reply. Then we could try to make things right, despite the pressure and distance.

 

Your forever friend, 

Wendy.”

 

 

“Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you can not interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.”

 

 

So that explains everything. 

 

There was a phone call I received a few nights after she left. Two years ago. About 3, 4 am. It's a call with someone saying something but I cannot not hear clearly. Just like when she mumbled in the kiss. I tried to call back but the service failed.

 

 

And that figure I spotted from a taxi a year ago.

 

It’s probably her too.

 

 

“Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone from the doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.”

 

 

She did come back for some reason but she did not find me. Maybe it is because I’d never reply her letter so she must thought I did not like her at all. She must hate me now.

 

 

I cry miserably at the café and rush back to my home. 

 

Both of us have been waiting for each other, playing hide-and-seek. So it’s faith who doesn’t want us to be together.

 

 

My tears fall on the cold tiles. I know I still have those feelings for her.

 

I can’t imagine how she had been waiting on the other side. She did give me a chance but it was taken away before I could even know.

 

 

I control all my trembling limbs and insert the CD to the player.

 

 

“Irene, thank you for listening. I don’t know if it means you love me or not. 

 

But it’s a song I wrote for you. I am so sorry. I will keep the two shirts forever no matter what. I love you. I love you from the very first sight ‘cause from what I saw, you’re different.”

 

 

It’s her voice. It feels like she’s beside me again.

 

As soon as I get to hear the lyrics, I cry a river again.

 

 

I set it on replay so that I can cry myself to sleep with her voice embracing me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

Hi guys. Plot twists everywhere? 

xo