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“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”

 

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I am Wendy. I have been in love and I got completely messed up. Or, I messed things up completely. 

 

I felt horrible about myself. I am in love with a girl. In fact, I felt vulnerable. I let her took control of my every thought and every action. She opened my chest and pulled the strings of my heart. I was not sure if she had ever liked me, nor we could be together. She had been popular among all gays and straights, some people even shipped her with someone else.

 

 

We have been two different kinds of people from two totally different worlds.

 

I am not saying I wasn’t loved. I’m saying we had different hobbies, different majors, different social circles, different schedules, different values, different dreams.

 

But I ended up meeting her and eventually falling in love with her. I was scared by myself for this. Was I that desperate that I was longing for a girl?

 

I was scared that she would find out and be disgusted by me, that she would not accept me, that there would be no future for us.

 

 

The more I thought about my feelings, the more I wanted to stop feeling things.

 

I even tried to avoid her. But there she was, giving me some kind of hopes and illusions.

 

We became friends, we got to know each other more.

 

 

The thought of giving it a try had once popped out in my brain, but it faded in a split second - I had to leave the country with my family. She was to graduate and start working, so my brain told me to drop it.

 

I confessed everything to her before I left through a paper and my voice. Hoping that if she loves me, she would reach me somehow and we could start it all over again when I came back; hoping that if she doesn’t, I would continue to stay oceans and continents away from her so she could live her life peacefully and I could leave everything behind.

 

 

And her reply has never come.

 

So I guess it put an end to my feelings.

 

 

Still, I wanted to hear it from her.

 

Days after, my fingers dialed that number I had recited a thousand times but my voice failed. My brain malfunctioned as well as my phone.

 

 

A year later, I went back as my parents wanted to drop by and visit their old friends during a family cruise vacation. We stayed at my aunt’s house. My aunt urged me to meet up with my friends but I refused.

 

My heart was still a mess and I was not ready. I feared at the thought of Irene.

 

Her name is Irene. I would never forget that.

 

 

Another year later, I now return to this land we once shared. I also graduated and my boss has sent me here. I reluctantly sit at my hotel room and unpack my luggage.

 

I change into an old-looking denim shirt and immerse myself into a song I wrote 2 years ago, looking at the hustle and bustle of life outside my window.

 

 

“Tonight I think of you again,

Without you knowing, without you knowing.

Even right now, in this very moment, I think of you without hesitation,

Without you knowing, without you knowing.”

 

("You Don't Know" - Loco)

 

 

I used to despise on cheerleaders. Pretentious wicked products of the hailing of masculinity. Yet she proved me wrong. She is different.

 

When I first laid my eyes on her. The look on her delicate fair face was different. Yes, she was shocked. Not the kind of shock as her y team members. She looked guilty, worried, sorry.

 

 

But I might be wrong, to judge a person with just one look. 

 

Then I told myself, “Wendy, she’s with them. So get your away from her.”

 

I left without even looking back.

 

 

It, however, didn't stop me from thinking of her, the thought of her filled me up every single day.

 

I had heard a lot about her too. That she was cold. She wasn’t social at all. 

 

That she was playing hard to get. She rejected the football captain aka the school heartthrob but not totally distancing him.

 

 

I got confused but there she was, rushing into Starbucks while constantly checking her watch with a huge pile of books on her hands. She was the cheerleader so I guessed she was capable in juggling too.

 

Even her hair was a mess, she still looked outstanding.  She was so occupied in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice me watching her. Which I was glad.

 

But there she was, proving me wrong again as she got bumped by a nerdy guy at the door. So she couldn't juggle. I didn’t know why but I  dashed to her side and helped.

 

She ruined my favorite shirt with her drink but I didn’t get mad. I saw the tired look of her face and gave her my Americano. She looked surprised and offered to buy me a new shirt. I rejected ‘cause I thought it’s better not to get too close with her.

 

That’s what happened when we met the second time.

 

 

I guessed as a pretentious sinful product, she might just leave me be.

 

Once again, I was wrong. Why she had to do this to me? Overthrowing everything I have ever known?

 

She went to my little haven to give me the new shirt she bought. It was nearly the same with my old one. The one shirt with the coffee stain. Which I still kept it after all those years.

 

 

“If only I could tell you clearly today, 

If only I could run to you right now.

I can’t do anything in such situation,

But only imagining scenes where I could meet you.

 

Words comfort me that someday, 

Yes, I’ll be able to see you again som day.

I look at your pictures every day,

But I pretend not to care whenever we talk.”

 

 

I hated myself for not telling her, and how I always acted so cold to her.

 

I just cannot let her know.

 

 

At first, I thought my coldness would drive her away. I thought we would not even be friends. But I was wrong, again and again.

 

So I gave up thinking in the end. I tried to numb myself by drinking. She managed to find me in the mist of our drunken schoolmates.  Shouldn’t she be with that whatever-his-name football dude?

 

Funny is that she asked me to lend her my phone.

 

I’m sorry I couldn't ‘cause I used her profile picture as my screensaver.

 

 

I cannot recall how it started. But I started to think of her a lot.

 

 

She must think that I was such a horrible , looking all drunk and unwilling to lend a helping hand. I tried to guide her to the “right” way. To Krystal and that dude, whom I thought he was quite nice indeed.

 

But she left without lending anybody’s phone. 

 

I decided to find her after she had been missing for 15 minutes. I knew she was bad at directions.  ‘Cause I always spotted her wandering around the campus with the confused puppy look on her face, even she was there for 4 years already.

 

 

She looked cute even she was annoyed and was ready to punch someone. I found her at a corner of the street outside. I said screw this to myself and took her to the nearest pay-phone. She looked grateful towards me. I didn’t know if I should be happy or not.

 

She asked to pay me back for the pay-phone, and the taxi that we took together back to the dorm. I rejected both ‘cause I wanted her to owe me something.

 

It made me feel better. It made me feel less pathetic for liking her.

 

 

She screwed me up anyway. When she showed up in the audition for our glee club that year, I couldn’t focus on my work. Why was she there? Was there someone she liked? I should find that someone out and disqualify him or her.

 

She found my existence again and our gazes met. It felt magical. She pierced through my soul, my brain, my everything.

 

 

But no, I looked away. She would never be mine. I used all of my willpower to kick her out from my brain. I had to perform.  And I could not possibly embarrass myself because of her, in front of her.

 

However, everything about her has been going against me so far. She was sitting there, paying full attention, outshining everyone in the hall.

 

 

I heard cheers coming from her side after my part. I checked and met her almighty gazes again.

 

I looked away again.

 

She caught me again.

 

That’s when I totally gave up.

 

 

I was not strong enough to fight her. Maybe I should die happy as she asked me for coffee together after the audition. She noticed I was wearing that shirt she bought me too. I was in cloud nine for a brief second. Then when I got my sense back, I realized she was probably repaying me again. So she didn’t even want to get into any sort of relationship with me.

 

 

I sat down with her with a steaming coffee in my hand. I told her that she didn’t owe me anything anymore. But she said she just wanted to have that coffee with me.

 

I was lost. I was lost in her game.

 

So I made up my mind. 

 

 

“I live on pretending I don’t care, 

Even if I hear some songs, I’ll just walk away. 

I wanted to be brave so I drank,

So I lost the memory of when we held each other and danced.

 

I didn’t want to fall deeper so I stopped talking to you.

And now, you might be seeing someone,

Being with whatever kind of person.

It’s selfish but I pray it doesn’t go well.”

 

 

I was her friend for the rest of the school year. While I had been controlling and hiding my heart very well. Until the graduation party.

 

I was invited since I was the captain of the glee club, a student representative. 

 

 

Seeing her in that dress, I pitied myself more.

 

I was tired in this game and I was tired of dealing with my family who had asked me to move to Canada with them. I kept all these things from her since she didn’t need to know. Then I ended up chugging every alcohol within my vision.

 

 

I seldom drink, it’s not good for a singer. But my heart said “ you” to me that day. To my brain, my liver, my throat, my senses.  There were some people who had asked me to dance with them but I turned them down with all lame excuses I could come up.

 

Seulgi came up to me and suggested me confess to Irene about everything. I refused. I just couldn’t take this risk in a night which belonged to her. It’s her graduation night, once in a lifetime.

 

Alcohol must have made me meaner, it’s my first time having a real fight with my best friend. I know things had already slipped out from my hands when I realized Seulgi was mad at me. So I took the liberty to drink some more in order to numb myself.

 

 

There were some more people that asked her for a dance. And surely, that football wooden head. I guess he also liked her very much as he had been so persistent.

 

My alcohol-filled stupid brain cheered for him. “Come on….. Just say yes !” It must be because of that shot of tequila, I lost control of my brain, my heart and my mouth. I literally grumbled that sentence in a rather loud voice.

 

Everyone, including that two, turned their heads to me. Oh, what a way to screw up, Son Seungwan.

 

 

“I don’t need you to tell me what to do.” She shouted at me. I could barely walk a straight line but I could see her sorrowful face oh so clearly. 

 

Seulgi dragged me out of the room in time. I felt at ease with her touch and I passed out for a good while. 

 

I wanted to bury myself into a tomb of shame so badly but all I could find in the dorm was my bed. And Seulgi’s embrace. I fell asleep fast and I thought it was Seulgi. 

 

 

It wasn’t. It was her. I wanted to break away but I was too drunk and weak.

 

I did not know what happened next.

 

 

“This song is about you, but you don’t know.”

 

 

I was so pathetic that I didn’t have to guts to face her again. I wrote this song that confesses all my feelings for her. I recorded it in a CD and I mailed it to her before I left for another country, probably not coming back again.

 

 

She has never replied.

 

I knew then, there was no us. Maybe I didn't mean anything to her.

 

 

“I used to think that it was just a little more than a crush, 

And how people said life was too short to be hung up on someone.

But I guess I’m too young for these, ‘cause only with one word you said,

I can’t do anything.

 

I want to take down all the walls built around your heart,

I’m curious about everything hidden behind them.

Am I there? At least a little bit?

Or is it filled already with someone else?”

 

 

I started a new life in Canada and I met a nice senior who also came from Korea. Life had never been so kind to me. I had dated some people in college and at work. It didn’t work out well, I guess it’s karma that I've wished the same for her.

 

I always wanted to know how she had been. I always wanted to know how did she see me.

 

Even if she might have never liked me.

 

 

I was too young to understand. 

 

Now I am back on this land.  I shall just visit my old friends and see if they’re doing fine. Perhaps I could get to know if she is doing fine too.

 

 

“I’ll forget you some day,

Time will pass and this song will remain.

I didn’t want to throw away this feeling,

So I scribbled it down into these lyrics.

 

You are stripping all of me now,

I’m still not embarrassed, I’ll stand proud.

But you still can’t see,

And now I think of you again without you knowing.”

 

 

I’m sure I’ll find someone else who suits me. I’m sure whoever it will be, would help me get this haunting person out of me.

 

Irene would never know. Even if she knew, even if she has stripped all of my feelings bare in front of her, is there a chance that she would see me as the way I do?

 

 

It turns out that the sinful wicked person is me all along.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

“Wendy, are you ready to go?”

 

“Yes.” I open the door and reveal a smiling Seohyun.

 

 

“Oh, why are you crying? Did you lose something or feeling not well-” 

 

“Nothing- I’m…... Just thought of something.” I didn’t realize I was crying the whole time. I wipe my eyes hastily with the back of my hands.

 

 

Seohyun is the senior whom I met back at Canada. She is super nice and takes care of me very well. I have entered the same enterprise as her. And as fellow Koreans, we have been sent here together. She plants herself at a chair, “Tell me, Wendy. There must be something. I’d never seen you cried. Never. Say it out, it will ease your pain.”

 

I sniffle and a tear escape.  It streams down my cheek and lands on the carpeted floor.

 

Tick. Tock. There’re more as I manage to tell her my pathetic miserable awful story within my uneven breaths. My tears form a strange chain of melody while I rip my heart open again.

 

 

“My name is Joohyun too.” Seohyun jokes drily. “So she did not reply...... And you have given up?”

 

“What else should I do? To wait until she decides to turn gay someday?” I laugh drily that it hurts.

 

 

“But you still cried for her though.” Seohyun places her chin on her hands.

 

“I think I just need time.” I run my fingers through my hair, trying to come up with some decent reasons.

 

 

“It’s been two years, Wendy. Simply saying, you’re still waiting for her.” She leans back and draws her conclusion.

 

I stand there looking at the tissue papers I have just used. Half a floor of them. They are like mocking me like “Look, you fool. Look how much you are still caring for her and how deep it still hurts.”

 

 

“Seungwan.” Seohyun seldom calls me by my Korean name unless it’s something deadly serious. “I think you should see her. At least once.”

 

“Why? I don’t trust myself. I might choke her to death with my bare hands when I see her face again. I cannot bear to see with my own eyes that she’s living happily after I am gone. Or, throw a chair to her face, break her legs…..” Like I said, I have imagined meeting her again so many times. It is actually not hard if I really want to do so. But I just can’t do it.

 

 

“Then bring along your other friends? Or me? I don’t think you will hurt her anyway.” Seohyun throws me a look of disbelief. Apparently, she doesn't appreciate my sense of humor.

 

I sigh as I zip up my big- jacket, “Let’s talk later. Now go or else we’ll be late on our first day here.”

 

“Face the facts and face her.” Seohyun turns around as I am ready to close the door. 

 

 

I am sent back to the South Korean branch as Seohyun’s, aka the new creative director's, side-kick. She directs, and I create. I have stayed out of singing from the moment I left Korea the first time.

 

Back in my hotel suite after all long day of meetings and meetings and more meetings, I punch in the familiar numbers to my phone. 

 

 

I look at them. I check them. I double-check them before dialing.

 

 

“Hey, I am back and I am looking for a place to stay. Got any spare rooms ?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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