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Chapter 13

“Good morning, Hyung,” JinYoung said as he squeezed Mark close to him.

It was very early in the morning, about an hour before the two would have to get up to get ready for school. This had become their daily routine: wake up about an hour before anyone else expected them to in order to spend time alone together. It was almost like being in their attic space again.

“Good morning, JinYoung-ah,” Mark said kissing JinYoung’s forehead. He loved when JinYoung called him ‘hyung’ first thing in the morning.

“Did you sleep well?” JinYoung asked.

“Very well. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep this well without you, though. You’ve spoiled me,” Mark said.

“Then,” JinYoung said looking up at Mark, “we’ll have to make sure that you’ll never have to.”

The two held each other close, hugging and sliding their hands along each others’ backs affectionately. It was like reacquainting themselves with each other after a night’s sleep.

“We have to start revising for exams starting next week,” JinYoung said. “It’s going to be really tiring.”

“I thought we would start already this weekend,” Mark said.

“Why are you so eager? Do you know how many hours a day we’ll have to study?”

“Then the sooner we start, the better,” Mark replied.

Mark was anxious to start because he knew that although he had successfully caught up and had done well all semester, he still had to do very well on those entrance exams. He didn’t feel confident enough to study the way he and JinYoung normally would. In order to pass and do well on those exams he would have to make a lot more of an effort.

“But, I seriously think we should take some time to relax before it all starts up and I don’t think anyone will be able to stop Minnie from bulldozing you into the garden to play with her. I can explain about your exams afterwards, but I don’t think she’ll accept it if you don’t play with her one last time.”

“You’re probably right,” Mark smiled.

“Speaking of enjoying ourselves . . .” JinYoung began as he slid upwards in the bed to gaze into Mark’s eyes.

“You didn’t say anything about ‘enjoying ourselves’,” Mark defended.

“I thought I did,” JinYoung countered.

“No, I’m sure you didn’t.”

“Oh,” JinYoung breathed against Mark’s lips, “I must have been mistaken.”

“Yes, you must have been,” Mark said, closing his eyes.

JinYoung kissed Mark with a mixture of tenderness and passion that never ceased to cause parts inside him to react. He felt the familiar throbbing and pleasant tickling feeling that mingled together to gradually warm and excite him.

“I wish we were in the attic again,” Mark said, his voice rough.

“I wish we were too,” JinYoung said, rolling him onto his back and covering Mark’s body almost entirely with his own. “I want to be with you, Hyung.”

Mark grabbed the back of JinYoung’s head and pressed him forward towards him for a deep, sensuous kiss. He couldn’t help but to grind himself against the burgeoning hardness he could feel against his own.

They kissed, thrashing around in the bed, rubbing their bodies against each other in sweet, yet suffering desire. They had never tried doing anything intimate at home before; they were always mindful of the possibility of being caught. They couldn’t even really lock their door.

But, the tension, the frustration, the desire had built up over the past weeks. So much so that it was almost impossible to deny.

But, deny they did. They had to.

“JinYoung . . . JinYoung-ah . . . not here . . .” sounded Mark’s voice of reason.

“Mark, please . . . I want you so much,” JinYoung whined with longing.

“We can’t,” Mark whispered. “I want to, too, but we can’t.”

He was right. And JinYoung knew he was right. But he couldn’t help what he felt.

“I don’t care . . . I want you . . . I want . . .”

“No,” Mark tried to say decisively as he panted heavily, “we can’t. We can’t afford to get into trouble. They might separate us.”

That stopped JinYoung.

Mark was right. What was he thinking getting carried away like that?

He wasn’t thinking. He was being swept up in his feelings for Mark, in his yearning for them to be together. It had been so long. How much longer would they have to wait?

Mark slipped out from under JinYoung and pulled him to his side. They both took a few moments to calm their breathing, but it didn’t help the situation for either of them much.

“I think we should limit ourselves to hugs,” Mark said after a while.

“No kisses?” JinYoung asked sadly.

“Your kisses are too intoxicating,” Mark said, sounding resolute, like a hyung.

JinYoung liked that Mark had grown in confidence and was no longer that boy who couldn’t lift his eyes from the floor when he first arrived. But, sometimes, when Mark started sounding hyung-like, particularly at times like this, reminding him of things that they oughtn’t do, he couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed. After all, he was Pak JinYoung. He was supposed to be the one who saw sense and stopped them from doing anything foolish.

But when it came to being with Mark . . . to touching him and kissing him . . . the sensible Pak JinYoung was finding that he was having a harder and harder time controlling himself and ultimately he had to be held back by . . . Mark . . . Hyung . . .

It really was frustrating.

JinYoung had been absolutely right. Revision was an absolute nightmare.

Every spare minute they had was used to study. Mark and JinYoung could hardly even taste the food they ate during this time: their minds were so full of terminology, equations, definitions, systems of analysis, theories, theorems and processes. They even dreamt of taking notes and open textbooks with the sounds of words and numbers and letters floating across the screens and speakers of their minds.

This entire period felt like they were sleepwalking.

Even Minnie noticed the glazed-over looks in her oppas’ eyes and left them in peace.

But if it was hard for JinYoung, it was even harder for Mark.

He not only had to study, he had to battle himself every step of the way.

You’ll never be able to do it.

You’re going to fail.

JinYoung’s going to pass and then he’ll leave you behind.

It’s too hard. Why don’t you just give up now?

Of course you don’t remember it? Did you expect to?

If this is how you are now, how are you going to be during the exam?

The words swirled through his head relentlessly. JinYoung continued to do his best to encourage Mark as they studied together, but he had no idea that behind Mark’s sheepish smile when he got something wrong or forgot something, there was lurking something deeply sinister. And that something that was holding him back and beating him down every time he tried.

It started to get so bad that even when Mark was doing well, he thought it was just a fluke, that it was luck, that he wouldn’t be able to do it again next time. It seemed that no amount of praise from JinYoung could quell those voices in his head.

They were the voices of his stepfather. Of his mother when she found out that about him. The sing-songy, falsely cheerful and ‘understanding’ voices of the therapists at Child Crisis. The hard, nasty voices of TaekMyung and KyungChul as they teased and tormented him.

This chorus of voices conspired against him and sang as a choir in his head. And with the passage of time they only became louder.

JinYoung started to notice that Mark would sometimes gaze off in to the distance when he was supposed to be studying.

At first, it had only happened every once in a while, but recently, the closer they got to exam time, the more frequently it happened.

“Mark-Hyung, are you alright?” JinYoung asked, laying his hand comfortingly on Mark’s arm.

The touch brought Mark out of his reverie.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“Do you want to take a break?”

“No. No, I don’t need a break. Where were we?”

“On this question,” JinYoung said pointing to the question they had just answered before having gone on to the next.

“Oh. Yes, okay,” Mark said as he began to reworked the problem he’d just solved.

JinYoung reached for Mark’s face and lifted it to make Mark look him in the eye.

“Mark-Hyung, what’s wrong?” JinYoung asked worriedly.

“Nothing, I’m just solving this problem,” Mark said, with a note of false cheer in his voice, as he returned to looking at his paper.

“Hyung . . . we just did this problem,” JinYoung said quietly.

Mark looked at the problem. JinYoung was right. They had just done this problem. They had both got it right. How had he not remembered?

“Oh . . . well, I guess we should do the next one now, right?” Mark said as if it didn’t matter.

“Hyung, look at me,” JinYoung said.

Mark looked JinYoung in the eye. He could see concern. But he didn’t know why.

“Hyung, tell me what’s wrong . . . please,” JinYoung said.

“Nothing’s wrong, JinYoung-ah,” Mark responded. “I just forgot where we were for a moment. Maybe we should take a break,” he smiled weakly. “A short one.”

JinYoung just looked for a further moment into Mark’s eyes. Then he pulled him close to him and held him tight.

“JinYoung . . .”

“Mark-Hyung, you can do it,” JinYoung whispered fiercely into Mark’s ear, tears beginning to gather in his eyes. He did his best to blink them back. He Mark’s hair as he repeated, “you can do it. You’re so smart, Hyung. You can do it. I know you can. And you know I’m never wrong, right Hyung?”

“You’re never wrong, JinYoung,” Mark repeated, hearing the apprehension in JinYoung’s voice.

JinYoung moved back to look into Mark’s eyes again.

“I love you, Hyung. I love you very much,” JinYoung said fervently.

Mark looked at him, doing his best to hear, really hear his words. But somehow through the fog of doubt that had engulfed him, their meaning sounded indistinct and vague.

So he just repeated, “I love you, too,” and after they’d taken a short break, resumed his revision.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *

“What can I do for you, JinYoung?” Mr Bang asked.

“I’m sorry to bother you Mr Bang, but . . . it’s about Mark.”

JinYoung had gone to the teacher’s lounge during a free period looking for Mr Bang. He was fortunate that he was there correcting assignments. Upon seeing JinYoung’s expression, he had left immediately and unlocked a lab room that wasn’t in use so that they could speak privately.

“What about him? Is he ill? Has he been having any symptoms?” Mr Bang asked.

“No, it isn’t that. You know that we’ve been revising for the university entrance exams?”

“Yes, I know you both want to go. If your schoolwork has been any indication, you should both do well. What’s the problem? Isn’t he studying?”

“He’s studying, Mr Bang,” JinYoung confirmed, “but he seems unable to concentrate. It’s as though he can’t keep track of anything and he keeps forgetting things we’ve just gone over.”

Mr Bang had had Mark in two classes and found it hard to believe that a student that had shown such improvement within one school year could be doing so badly when it came to revision. Could it be that JinYoung was exaggerating?

No. He looked at the distress etched across the young man’s features and knew that he at least thought he had a cause for concern. JinYoung wasn’t the type to run to a teacher for help: he had never sought Mr Bang out before, so something, however small it might turn out to be, must be going on.

“I know he can do the work, Mr Bang, I just think he’s having some sort of problem, but I don’t know what it is.”

Mr Bang just sat there. He wasn’t sure what he could do about it or what he could even suggest.

Maybe Mark should have had some counselling? Maybe Mrs Nam had been right.

“Do you think it would help if I talked to him?” It was the only suggestion Mr Bang could come up with.

“I don’t know,” JinYoung said now looking down, “I don’t want him to think I talked to you about him.”

“I could just go up to him and ask how things are going . . . casually,” Mr Bang said emphasising the last word. “I wouldn’t let on that we’d talked. I could just ask how revision is going.”

“But what if he just says, ‘it’s going okay’?” JinYoung asked realistically.

“Then I can tell him that I’m available to help him whenever he wants it. I can try to encourage him, but honestly, if he doesn’t confide in me, I’m not sure how I can help him.”

JinYoung was beginning to feel worse and worse. He knew that Mark wouldn’t just tell Mr Bang about whatever was bothering him. After all, JinYoung was the closest to him and he hadn’t told him what was wrong. Maybe he didn’t even know himself.

They both sat together in silence, each considering what they could do under the circumstances.

“Do you think it could have anything to do with what happened with TaekMyun?” Mr Bang tried.

“I don’t know,” JinYoung answered. “Whenever I ask him what’s wrong, he just tells me that nothing is. He was doing alright at the beginning, but now . . .”

Mr Bang really didn’t know what to suggest. He knew that Mark and JinYoung really wanted, no, needed to pass these exams so that they could get into university and he knew that without connections of any kind or any family to support them, life for them would be hard even with a university education: without it, it would be almost unbearable for the two.

And if what he suspected was true, what was going on between them would only add to their burden.

Mr Bang looked at JinYoung sympathetically.

“I’ll try to talk to him. I’ll do my best, JinYoung. I know how important it is for you and Mark to go to university. I’ll try everything I can. I just don’t know that I’ll be able to do much,” Mr Bang said regretfully.

JinYoung tried to smile bravely.

“Thank you, Mr Bang,” he said rising from his seat and bowing. “Thanks for . . . caring.”

At this moment, the teacher felt as helpless as he had that day in the cellar and every time he’d gone to visit Mark in the hospital. Even when he’d sat there for hours at JinYoung’s side, trying to give him support and comfort with his presence. He felt as though he, in fact, hadn’t really done anything at all.

So, he didn’t answer. He just smiled a wry smile.

JinYoung turned to go, but just as he reached the door, he turned and with his eyes cast to the floor, addressed Mr Bang one last time.

“Thank you for all the time you spent with me in the hospital. I’ll never forget you, Mr Bang,” he said.

Then before Mr Bang could respond, JinYoung bowed again briefly, opened the door and walked quickly away.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *

The exams were so hard that JinYoung, who ordinarily would have felt confident, left each sitting feeling like a failure.

He wanted to be cheerful, but his feelings of apprehension were always evident on his too-honest face.

Whatever Mark was feeling, he hid it behind a veil of silence. Each evening after exams, the two would eat dinner together, get ready for bed and go straight to sleep. Neither trusted himself to speak much. If they started talking about how their confidence was eroding, neither would have been able to go on.

So, the two muddled through and before they knew it, the final exam had been written and the papers collected.

Now, all they could do was wait.

So wait they did.

Six weeks after the last day of their exams, their results came in.

JinYoung didn’t have the courage to open his exam himself, so he asked Miss Jung if she could open them for him.

Mark did the same.

Miss Jung’s eyes glided across the page as she scanned it.

Then she smiled a bright smile.

JinYoung had passed. With distinction.

Inside, JinYoung danced, but outwardly he only smiled briefly and nodded his head to acknowledge that he’d heard the result. Both he and Miss Jung deliberately muted their responses until they’d discovered Mark’s result.

Miss Jung’s hands shook imperceptibly as she opened the envelope.

JinYoung’s heart thumped hard in his chest.

Please . . . please let him have passed . . .  JinYoung beseeched, pleaded and begged.

A small still smile of expectation was stamped on Mark’s otherwise emotionless features as he tried his best to look optimistic. His insides lurched as Miss Jung pulled his results out of the envelope.

Although her expression didn’t change, her eyes, wavered for just a second as she scanned the page.

Then she lifted them to look directly at Mark.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

Mark wanted to just laugh it off as though the results had been a foregone conclusion. As though passing the exams hadn’t meant the world to him.

But he couldn’t.

As JinYoung rushed to Miss Jung’s side to inspect the results for himself, Mark hung his head in shame, humiliation and profound disappointment.

When he finally lifted it again and saw JinYoung’s face he knew . . . it was true.

He hadn’t passed. And he knew what that meant.

JinYoung would be leaving without him.

I felt so sad while re-reading this chapter, I almost cried.

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