☼ Dalbit ☾
☼ Night Sun ☾
☼ Dalbit's POV ☾
It's Christmas again. I'm glad I still can celebrate Christmas this year. I wonder if I can celebrate it next year.
Doojoon and Hyunseung are helping my mother, bringing the dinner to the dining table while Junhyung and Dongwoon are decorating the small Christmas tree. Gikwang is sitting next to me, accompanying me with his story about their performance today.
My eyes find Yoseob is gazing the night sky, sitting in silence. We haven't talked since what happened between us at midnight. It's not that I hate him because of the sudden kiss but I need him to become closer with me.
It will only hurt him more if I let him stay close with me.
If I let him love me.
After having the Christmas dinner together, BEAST give my parents a Christmas present. They receive a pair of sweaters. They also give me a white jacket, knowing that I love to wear jacket all the time.
I smile, thanking them of their generosity. When I see at Doojoon's smile, I can't help myself from blaming my weakness. He has his usual sad smile, the expression he always gives to me when he looks at me.
But I know it's not only him who knows about my secret now. Hyunseung and Junhyung also give me sad expressions. They force themselves to smile when I look at them and it makes me feel guilty.
I don't want them to pity me. I don't want them to give me forced smile. I don't want them to be sad. I want them to treasure the moments they have here together.
Is it too much for me to ask?
"Let's walk around!" Dongwoon stands up from his seat with excitement. He offers me his hand, "Come on, Princess. We're going to enjoy the Christmas together!"
I smile happily, accepting his hand and stand up. My mother hands me my jacket, scarfs, and gloves. I wear it quickly, protecting myself from the coldness of December.
When my eyes meet Yoseob's eyes, he quickly looks away, putting his hands inside his pocket, walking quickly. I just let a sigh, knowing that I need to talk with him soon because I don't want this Christmas to end like this.
Yoseob is a really nice guy. Probably because he doesn't know about my secret, he cares about me as if I am his best friend. But from what happened before, now I know that he thinks about me more than a friend.
I was really happy when he kissed my forehead. I swore that I would fly if I could. But the harsh reality struck me, telling me to keep down to Earth, that I can't return his feeling if I don't want to crash him down later.
I can't tell him that I feel happy whenever I'm with him. I can't tell anyone that I'm falling in love with him, more than an ordinary admiring attitude. I can't let myself to stay close with him; I should have known it from the first.
I feel like I'm the biggest fool in the world now.
And now I'm dilemma. Should I tell him the truth? The reason why I can't return his feeling if he holds this special feeling towards me. Should I lie to him? Should I let us be?
But I don't want to leave a regret in my life. Not now, not ever.
"Yoseob Oppa," I tug his sleeves, making him to turn around and look at me. We are standing in the middle of the town square, admiring the Christmas Tree. The others are busy taking pictures so I approach Yoseob who is sitting alone on the bench. "I'm sorry."
His eyes widen upon my apology. He drops his gaze and murmurs, "Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything bad."
I smile softly as I take a seat next to him. After hesitating for seconds, I lean to him, resting my head on his shoulder, "Merry Christmas, Yoseob Oppa. May your life will be filled with joy and love."
"Will you fill my days as well?" his question catches me in surprise. I don't expect him to say such a straight forward stuff so I straighten my head and look at his eyes. "Will you, Dalbit?"
I want to nod. I want to say yes. I want to tell him that I will.
But I can't.
I smile again, trying my best not to force it. I don't want to fake a smile. I don't want to cry. I want to live each of my day with true happiness.
"I'm here, right?" I pat his head gently, feeling that my heart is beating faster. "You still have more than one week to stay with me."
"After that, Dalbit ah," Yoseob holds my hand, which is, I'm thanking God, wrapped by the glove. I'm glad he doesn't need to feel my dry skin. "Let me cherish you even after we return to our apartment. I promise I will visit you whenever I can."
It's not like I don't believe him. I know people will find it ridiculous that we fall for each other within three weeks but Yoseob is too charming for me. His kindness dazzled me with every second I spent with him.
He is the first who makes me feel that I don't want to leave the world. I want to stay with him. I'm wondering why I met him when my condition is worsen.
Because God wants me to know that love is real, I tell myself.
I embrace his hand, feeling warm in my heart even though it's really cold outside. I can feel that my body is feeling weaker now but I still manage to talk with him, "Your fans will kill me if they know you said that to me, Oppa."
Yoseob smiles because of my silly joke. I'm glad to see his smile. I hope I can see his smile more often. I hope I can be the one who always makes him smile.
"Yah! Why are you two holding hands?!" Dongwoon sounds shocked. They are approaching me and Yoseob with wide eyes but Yoseob doesn't let go of my hands.
"It's cold," Yoseob murmurs vividly with his blushed cheeks, holding my hand tight. "Let's go back now."
We return to my house; I'm still holding hands with Yoseob, feeling grateful that I can spend this Christmas with him. He returns to his room after giving me a good night kiss on my forehead, making me to blush.
"Dalbit...," I turn around to see Doojoon is standing on the top of the staircase. I think he saw the kiss Yoseob gave to me. I can't help myself to blush even more but when I see his sad eyes, I know it's not because of the kiss.
"Let's talk in my room," I smile to him. I know we need to talk sooner or later. "I think Hyunseung and Junhyung want to talk with me too. Come on."
I let Doojoon, Hyunseung, and Junhyung to sit on my bed while I sit on the chair in front of my table. I look at them, waiting for one of them to speak first but they don't say a thing.
"You know about my disease," I blurt out, breaking the silence. They look up at me with wide eyes, feeling surprised because of my statement. "Don't worry. My mother told me that she sent a letter to CUBE around a month ago. I'm surprised to know the President granted her wish for me."
The night BEAST arrived at my house, I just returned from walking around the area as usual. My mother apologized to me for doing something out of my permission. She sent a letter to CUBE, asking BEAST to pay a visit for me as their fan. To her surprise, the President replied her letter, telling my mother that BEAST would spend a month with me.
Not that I'm not happy with having my favorite idol group in my house, but the fact that maybe the President does this because he is pitying me annoys me.
From the first day I met BEAST, I had a feeling that Doojoon knew about my disease but he didn't say a thing. I think he read the letter my mother wrote to the President, the one where my mother wrote about my disease.
My mother also sent the letter I wrote. The one I never wanted to send to BEAST but my mother took it from my shelf and sent it together with her letter.
"Dalbit ah," Hyunseung speaks out. "Is it true that your disease is incurable?"
I let a curve forms on my lips as I nod, "Yes. This disease is incurable. I am lucky enough to live this long, Hyunseung Oppa. Majority only survive for 20 years, you know."
I still remember exactly word by word I wrote to BEAST. I never expected someone other than my parets would read it thought. I think the letter made up this decision, the decision to have BEAST in my house.
"Dear BEAST,
My name is Dae Dalbit.
I know it sounds weird but I love the meaning.
Yes, my name represents moonlight. But it's not because I only love the night.
I know it sounds weird but I love the meaning.
Yes, my name represents moonlight. But it's not because I only love the night.
I love day. I really do.
But I can't see the sun. I can't feel the sun.
I can't see the sunrise or sunset no matter how much I want to.
But I can't see the sun. I can't feel the sun.
I can't see the sunrise or sunset no matter how much I want to.
My mother named me Dae Ilkwang at first so I could represent the sunlight.
But when I was diagnosed with this rare disease, I asked my parents to change my name when I was five years old, when they told me about my real condition.
But when I was diagnosed with this rare disease, I asked my parents to change my name when I was five years old, when they told me about my real condition.
I was wondering why I couldn't play outside like the other children. Why I felt weak most of the time and my skin was dry.
When my parents told me, my mother cried. She apologized to me, telling me that she couldn't do anything to help me.
When my parents told me, my mother cried. She apologized to me, telling me that she couldn't do anything to help me.
Ever heard about vampires can't be exposed to sunlight?
The similar condition happens to me.
Oh no, I'm not a vampire, don't worry. But I really must avoid sunlight, no matter how small the exposure is.
The similar condition happens to me.
Oh no, I'm not a vampire, don't worry. But I really must avoid sunlight, no matter how small the exposure is.
When I was ten years old, I decided to study about this strange disease that made me different from other children. This strange disease that made my parents to apologize when they needed to block my windows to prevent the sunlight to intrude my room.
So I have this rare genetic disease called Xeroderma pigmentosum, shortly XP.
This genetic disorder causes the ability to repair damage caused by ultraviolet light, including sunlight, is deficient.
This genetic disorder causes the ability to repair damage caused by ultraviolet light, including sunlight, is deficient.
At first, I thought avoiding sunlight was enough. I just needed to turn my night into day and the day into night.
It's not difficult, I said to myself.
It's not difficult, I said to myself.
I found that there is no cure for XP. And my case is an extreme case.
I develop skin cancer. That's why I can't live long. I know that for sure.
I develop skin cancer. That's why I can't live long. I know that for sure.
I write this letter for you, BEAST, my favorite idol group ever, because I think all of you are the brightest shine.
All of you suffered before your debut. Up and down, tears and sweats, but you managed to show the world that you are better than they imagined. You showed us, B2UTIES, that you will never fail our hopes.
And, here I am, thanking God that I can hear your songs.
That I can watch your performances from videos since there is no way I can watch your live performance.
That I can watch your performances from videos since there is no way I can watch your live performance.
As for now, I live with both my parents. They don't suffer XP anyway and I insist that I'm not going to anywhere without them because they want me to receive treatment.
Not that I don't believe in miracles but I don't want to live my life in regret. I'm happy spending my days with them and I'm glad that they will smile when I finish my paintings or help them taking pictures.
What can I ask more from life?
I learned that it's not about what I want, but it's about what I need.
Life gives me everything.
Loving parents. Oxygen to breathe. Beautiful sky. Music.
And, on top of everything, love.
Keep shining brighter, BEAST.
You may find it sounds cheesy, but your songs give me courage to live a little bit longer in these last two years.
You may find it sounds cheesy, but your songs give me courage to live a little bit longer in these last two years.
I hope I still can listen to you when you are announced as the world best idol group.
Thank you.
Always a B2UTY.
Dae Dalbit"
"Do you have any idea about, well, your life span now?" Junhyung clears his throat awkwardly, not knowing how to ask the question.
"Yes," I take a letter from my personal doctor that visited me this evening when BEAST was doing their performance. I give the letter to them, a letter about my current condition.
I know it's a miracle for me to live till this moment. But day after day, I can feel my body is getting weaker and weaker. My body can't even accept the food sometimes and I need more sleep than usual.
"I have around less than a month."
__________
Note #5:
Xeroderma pigmentosum is real. It is indeed an incurable rare genetic disorder disease.
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