***

Mark

Something is not right. I feel it but I can't tell what is it. Jinyoung is still the same. He smiles and laughs, he makes cute faces, he whines... Maybe we cut down a bit on our fanservice but when an opportunity comes, we still show something to the fans and I don't feel any awkwardness nor tension between us. But something is different. Something changed and no matter how long I look into his eyes, I can't find the answer. Is he really alright? Or he is just a really good actor?

Every night, I lie in bed and think about him. I didn't say anything. The words were not needed. I just started to spend more time with Jackson and Bambam. Subtly, I tried to create a space between me and Jinyoung. I didn't want to loose our friendship but everything else had to stop. Did it work? Did I manage to stop what we have no right to do and save what is innocent? Without hurting him?

If something appears as too simple and good, there is a mistake somewhere. And that weird feeling, I have in the pit of my stomach doesn't make my worries go away. Should I ask him? Everyone says, that honesty is the best way but how should I start the conversation? Hey, you know, now when we don't spend so much time together, don't you miss me? Are you alright? What do you think about Markson? Hah right. No.

After all, there was nothing between me and him. We've never said what we feel for each other. Ah. I feel as if I had a fever. My whole body is burning. Why didn't he struggle more? Maybe, I really did save him. Maybe, he didn't realize yet... Maybe it's all good. But what about me? Who will help me? Who will save me?

Am I strong enough to shut up my heart? When I see him every day... when we still share a strong bond? I can't totally stop our relationship. I can't avoid him. That would hurt the whole group. But how can I keep my distance when I desperately wish for the exact opposite? How long can I resist?

***

to be continued