***

Jinyoung

When they told me for the first time that JJ project is over, I didn't know what to do. I was so disappointed, so frustrated... Years and years of training, the uncertainity of whether we will ever debut and when we finally did, when I could stand on the stage with our song, when I could see MY fans supporting me, they told me to stop. To try it again with another group. I felt like a failure. Why? Why aren't the two of us enough? It's because I am not that great of a singer? Or rapper? Or ... and that scares me the most... dancer? I knew, it would probably help us. It would open new opportunities but still... I was happy in the duo, that JYP made. I liked Jaebum, the work, the music we made... Everything suited me. What if I don't get along with people who come now? What if they change our image too drastically? But I was a fool. I was not ready for the spotlight yet. I was too young and I bickered with Jaebum over stupidest things. We needed the change.

All of my fears disapperad in the moment, they introduced us. We knew each other back from the trainee days and the guys were friendly, talented and we all fitted together. We all got along pretty well. I laugh the most with Jackson and Bambam, I take care of Yugyeom and Youngjae the most, I am the closest to Jaebum and there is... the one member I can't label. Mark.

With him everything is... different. He was quiet in the beginning but the more time I spent with him, the more I missed him when we were apart. The perior right before our debut (for me the second one) was very hard. Trainings from dawn till late at night and then you had to still train on your own and do your homework. Mark would always be there for me and he would listen to me complaining and whining and he would do everything to make me feel better, to take my mind away from the difficulties. I though, that what I feel... that form of obsession... that it's only a bit stronger form of friendship. 

I was wrong.

***

Mark

As the oldest in the group, I felt responsability for the others. I wanted to be their support, someone they can count on, someone who will listen to them and advise them and I tried to treat everyone the same. However, even though we all have a good relationship with each other, you can always find someone who stands out. Who is your soulmate. 

Mine was Jinyoung.

Even though it's me, who they call the face of the group, in my eyes Jinyoung was the most beautiful. I thought, he would spend the most time with Jaebum but as if he felt the same way as me, he would always seek my company, always be next to me and that made me scared. I feared what I felt, what he felt and what it all could mean. For him, I was still only a friend, a member of the group but how long will it take for him to realize what is really happening between us?

Jinyoung is... still so young and naive. Maybe he debuted sooner, maybe he trained longer, maybe he is the serious type who thinks too much but he still a kid. He still whines to me about everything, he is the attention seeker who always wants to be the centre of attention, he likes skinship ... Am I selfish if I am not complaining? If I don't struggle? If I am supporting something, that I know is banned? If I know, that it will hurt him as well?

***

to be continued