Some things Hanbin would like to do this summer (with Hayi and Jiwon):

• Visit the forest more often
• Play more of Hayi’s vintage video games
• Stay up to watch a sunset and a sunrise
• Ride a train to somewhere far
• Go stargazing
• Enjoy the firework festival at the end of summer

. . .

“That’s the list?” Jiwon asked. “That’s all?”

“I told you, I’m a simple guy,” Hanbin replied. The three of us lounged in the living room since the weather was too hot outside. We were watching a movie called Grave of the Fireflies, though I was really the only one paying attention. Hanbin had seen it plenty times before, while Jiwon wasn’t fond of sad films. The ones with bittersweet endings. Especially not Studio Ghibli ones. “And my budget’s kinda low,” he added shortly after.

Jiwon chuckled. “Then should we cross one off today?”

“Which one?”

“The third one. We could use the rooftop, and we’ll even bring blankets and food.”

Hanbin shot me a look, to which I nodded at him about Jiwon’s idea. It took about thirty minutes of planning until we actually put it into action. Hanbin and Jiwon went home to fetch some things, meanwhile I got permission to stay overnight from my parents and brought a few supplies, too. I set off before the clock reached two and waited until the bus came. When I arrived at the rooftop, Hanbin was already there. He was sitting, head ducked down, listening to music and drumming his fingers against his knee. We simply smiled at each other and I dropped my bag over to where he was.

“Did you wait for long?”

“Not really,” he answered, eyes glued to his phone. “I just got here five minutes ago.”

I inhaled the freshly swept breeze and watched the scene below us as I leaned over the railings. It was a typical early summer’s day as the town was approaching the heat: a haze hanging in the sky, the cherry trees turning greener, the sound of the cicadas humming around. I felt myself drifting off a little and thought about what would happen to us three at the end of summer. Hanbin was moving to Seoul, Jiwon was going to university, and I was heading towards another path.

I did not get attached to people often. I learned from a young age, from watching films and reading books to seeing my friends drift off in a different direction to me, that people come and go; and that it was all part of life. That’s why I distanced myself from people. I was afraid of being left, so I did the leaving instead. I wondered then, what made Hanbin and Jiwon so different? Why did I let myself get attached to those two so easily? Had I not learned enough?

“Hayi,” Hanbin said, distracting my thoughts. I hadn’t even noticed he was leaning over the railings, too, next to me. “Are you okay?”

“Why do you ask?”

“You’re spacing out again.”

I chuckled. “Jiwon’s taking too long.”

“Do you want to wander around for a little while? We can leave our bags here.”                                       

“What about Jiwo—”

“He can wait on his own until we’re back. This is what he gets for being late,” he replied. A playful smile started to grace his lips. I found myself grinning back.

. . .

The green leaves of the cherry trees stirred in the air, wallowing the sunlight in all different directions. Our town was quite small, so I was surprised to see how densely packed it was during that morning. The people we passed carried their jumpers or jackets over their shoulders or in their arms.

Hanbin and I didn’t necessarily have anywhere to go to, so we just walked around town until the temperature caught up to us. There was heat in my nose with each breath. I felt beads of sweat drip down my forehead by the time we reached a small corner shop. Hanbin wanted to buy a big tub of ice-cream.

Hanbin came out from the shop carrying two plastic bags, and I blurted out, “What took you so long?”

He didn’t reply, instead he just gave my hair a ruffle. He was taller than me, so he always had the advantage of doing that and getting away with it. “Let’s walk quicker before this melts. We’ll get scolded by Jiwon.”

“Jiwon’s weird these days,” I remarked as we scurried along the scorching pavement and passed through the crowd.

“You think so?” Hanbin scoffed. “He’s been like that ever since we were little. His ideas are so weird.”

“Not in that way,” I said.  “Just…he tends to switch personalities.”

He stayed quiet and looked at me with a pair of confused eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean it in a bad way,” I explained. “Never mind.”

“No, what is it?”

I hesitated for a second, nevertheless, I carried on, “He acts like everything’s okay when it’s the three of us, yet when it’s just him and me, he hints as if it isn’t. There’s an imbalance and awkwardness with what he says. I don’t always know how to respond.”

“I see. Why are you telling me?”

“You’ve known him for the longest out of the two of us. And I told you, I don’t always know how to respond.”

“So you need my help,” he said, smirking. “Well, first off, why do you think that is? Why does he switch personalities?”

“I think he finds it hard to be sad around you.”

There was a brief pause, and then he scoffed, “So that idiot told you.”

“He didn’t tell me everything. In fact, I don’t even know how it happened,” I admitted. “All I know is that you stopped him from…”

“—Okay. So you think that he’s not being his true self around me because it’ll make him look too pitiful?”

“Something along the lines of that.”

“Hmm, I think it’s along the lines of another,” he replied. I shot him a look. “Jiwon likes you, Hayi.”

My eyes widened at the slightest. “That doesn’t make sense, though.”

“’Course it does. Jiwon likes you. And he only wants to show you that side of him, not me—not anybody else. Just you. It doesn’t make sense to you because you’re trying to avoid the truth.”

I stayed silent and just kept walking along.

“You’re trying to avoid it,” Hanbin repeated. “But I wonder why?” He looked into my eyes as if to stare the answer out of me.

“I shouldn’t have told you.”

Hanbin smirked. “What’s wrong if there happens to be one guy in the world who enjoys trying to understand you?”

“Everything’s wrong about that. Especially if it’s you.”

“Ouch,” Hanbin shot back. We walked on for quite a bit until we reached the building. “Well, can I ask you one question then?”

“Go easy on me,” I sighed, defeated, as we climbed our way through the stairs onto the rooftop.

He stopped short. So did I. He put his hands on my shoulders and peered into my eyes. “What would you say if Jiwon asked you out?”

There was just a long pause between us. I tried to keep my cool, so I quickly answered, “I’d say—”

“Hey! You ing traitors!” Jiwon’s voice boomed suddenly from above us. “I can’t believe you guys left me! I hope you at least brought some ice-cream!”

Hanbin shot me a playful smile. “Saved by the bell.”

. . .

“Why were you guys so serious back there?” Jiwon asked as he rifled through the paper bags.

“It’s nothing,” I assured him. We all sat down facing towards the sun. The layer of clouds that had darkened the sky was gone now, and the late afternoon sun poured its gentle light on the city streets. The sunset was approaching near.

Just then Hanbin started playing a tune on his phone. I didn’t know what it was called but it was a great song. I remembered hearing it play on his radio show before. “What’s this song? Sounds like The Beatles.”

“It is The Beatles. It’s called Don’t Let Me Down.”

“Damn. I could have taken the hint from the lyrics. I was trying to find out what it was called before.”

Hanbin chuckled. “It’s great, don’t you think?”

I nodded. “But it’s hard to understand. Is it a sad song? It sounds happy—but the lyrics. I especially don’t get that.”

“Don’t let me down,” he repeated. “It’s neither happy nor sad. It’s about fear. John’s in love with Yoko Ono, and he realizes that she’s his first love. I guess once you have something you've wanted so badly, it’s the fear of losing it. That’s what makes this song so great.”

“I see.”

“It’s too cheesy. Do you guys normally listen to stuff like this?” Jiwon blurted out, as he stuffed his face with the ice-cream that Hanbin bought.

“Pretty much. But it differs now and then,” Hanbin answered.

“Hmm, but somehow I like it. I really like it. I don’t normally listen to songs like this, though.”

Hanbin and I shot each other a look. “You like it?”

“Well it isn’t so bad,” he shot back. “What are you guys looking at me like that for? It’s The Beatles, not some poison.”

We all burst out with laughter. Then we kept talking. We talked about whatever came to mind—our favourite songs, our daily routines, the movies that we watched; each a little portion that led nowhere. It was the first time the three of us had talked at such length. It was good to listen and laugh. I wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh until I laughed myself into becoming someone else. We talked until the deepening of the time had brought an increased blueness and depth to the sky, but we said nothing at all about the future.

• Stay up to watch a sunset and a sunrise

. . .

• Go stargazing

“This surely counts too,” Jiwon said, dropping the ballpoint pen on the ground. “We’re looking at the stars now, aren’t we? Stargazing.”

“You really are keen to get this list finished,” Hanbin remarked.

“Yeah,” Jiwon placed his hand on the back of his neck. Then he let out a sigh and broke into a goofy smile. “I’m going to visit my relatives in America before the break ends. And, you see, dad has already booked our plane tickets.”

“When are you going?” I asked.

“In two weeks. Maybe a little less than that.”

“Two weeks?” Hanbin cut in. “But two weeks is enough for this short list. Why are you still rushing?”

Jiwon looked at Hanbin. “You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be?”

“I won’t be there to send you off.”

“Send me off?” Hanbin laughed. “I’m not moving abroad, Jiwon. It’s only Seoul.”

Jiwon was about to say something. A thought crossed his face. A hesitation. Then he stopped and said, “I guess.”

“Now,” Hanbin said and turned to me. “What time is it?”

“Four.”

He sighed and looked back up at the sky. “Four more hours to go.”

We were pretty much already knackered waiting for that many hours. With the lack of sleep that we got, it was hard to enjoy the sunrise. Nevertheless, it was a very beautiful one. It came up between two big hills, illuminating the whole sky as the stars started to disappear in a glimmer. We sat there, watching the town lights blend in with the new lit day, while we listened to Hanbin’s playlist. It was a soft, warm feeling.

• Stay up to watch a sunset and a sunrise

. . .

Since Hanbin’s apartment was all the way near the busy part of town, opposite from our subdivision, we parted ways at the bus stop. Hanbin’s bus arrived first—we said our goodbyes—then ours came straight after.

“I have never wanted to sleep so badly in my life,” Jiwon groaned as we got on. We scanned our bus cards in front of the scanner and took the seats at the back. The bus was hardly filled with people that day. The exhaustion after doing an all-nighter had only started to kick in. “Hey,” he said after a short silence. “Tell me, what were you and Hanbin talking about?”

“Why are you still curious about that?”

He stopped for a moment, and then he said, “I saw it. Your face turned red, you see.”

“And?”

“D-did Hanbin, by any chance, confess to you?”

“What?” I shot back.

“Well, did he?”

“He didn’t. Why would he—”

“Never mind,” Jiwon cut in. “Do you remember what I told you in the infirmary?”

“No, I don’t. Remind me again.”

“Between me and Hanbin who would you—”

“I remember,” I cut in, to opt out of the awkwardness (and maybe because I truly never wanted to hear that question again). “I’m not going to answer that, though.”

“I know you wouldn’t—you’re not that cruel of a person—and I hated myself for asking you that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I murmured.

“I only asked you that to make sure of something. You see, the thing is I like you, Hayi,” he suddenly said. I observed Jiwon’s expression then, and not a tinge of insincerity lingered. Somehow, this made me feel uncomfortable.

I blinked once, and my eyes widened slightly upon realizing that maybe Hanbin was telling the truth before. “Do you need a reply to that?” I asked half-jokingly.

He scoffed in return. “I confess to you and you’re asking if you need to answer it. Of course you do.”

I stayed quiet at his frank reply. Jiwon wasn’t kidding—but then neither was Hanbin.

“N-not now, though,” he said, looking a little wary. “I’ll give you all the time you need! Don’t answer me in a hundred years if you don’t want to.”

“I appreciate that,” I replied.

Jiwon chuckled. “How many guys have confessed to you, Hayi? You sound so used to it.”

I shook my head. “Nope. This is all new. I’m plenty shocked, actually.”

“Hmm, it is true that you’re not the type to express yourself freely.”

I nodded.

Just then, we arrived at the only bus stop in our subdivision. I stood up but noticed that Jiwon didn’t. “You’re not getting off?”

“Nope,” he said, smiling. “I have something I need to do.”

“Ah, okay. See you later.”

“Hey, Hayi, I hope you don’t feel burdened. I mean—don’t even think of it. I confessed to you and that’s all. It’s all normal, okay?”

“All normal,” I confirmed. “I won’t even think about it.”

. . .

Even for an insomniac like me, who was so used to not getting enough sleep, my head was already throbbing when I got home, and every inch of my aching body pleaded for me to sleep. I knew, that when the headaches start to kick in, it was time for my brain to fall unconscious. But just when I think I’m about to fall asleep, a swarm of thoughts kept rushing in like a wave, reminding me of what had happened at the bus. Jiwon confessed to you. Jiwon confessed to you. Jiwon confessed to you. Jiwon ing confessed to you.

I decided to ditch sleep and instead I just lay in bed and stared into space as I thought about every possibilities there were for the next time I was to see Jiwon again. I had questions. Plenty of them.

What do I say to him?

Will things still stay normal regardless of my answer?

How did Hanbin know?

The question that dawned on my mind for the longest period of time, though, was this:

Has Jiwon confessed to a lot of girls before?

. . .

piledriver waltz // this song reminds me of someone 

winter break made me lazy as hell. but here you guys go! 
to be honest, i hadn't really planned this story out well (or, rather, i didn't follow the original plot) and just went with the flow most of the times. i at sticking to plans, you see. but i'm hoping to be sincere with my writing. i'll try harder :-) thank you!