I slept in until the morning sunlight swathed through the blinds and found its way to my face. I pulled my pillow over my head, but the air got hot and stale, so I got up, opened the windows, and closed the curtains. Then I stayed in my bed, half-asleep, and reached over for my phone to check for the time. 9:14am.

And 3 messages from Jiwon.

My eyes widened when I saw the length of these messages. Jiwon was hardly the type to write long paragraphs, and through text on top of that.

You’re awake already, aren’t you? Received 6:39am

Are you awake now? Well, whatever. It won’t really matter.
I think it’s cowardly of me to send you this through text. And I don’t think you’ll have much to say back, but if you do feel the need to reply—out of pity—I’d rather you not. Anyway, I’ll start off by saying I’m on my way to the airport right now. Today is the day I go to America, you see. It’s a bit earlier than what I told you and Hanbin, but I’m planning to stay here until summer ends. So that’s about three weeks.
I want to tell you another thing, Hayi. I’m not sure if it’s right to tell you this with what I’ll be telling you later on, but it’s bugging me, and I need to tell you. Actually, I’ve known you long before I knew what your connection was with Hanbin. You may not have noticed me, but I knew very well who you were. I was interested in you. The first time we talked was in that café, do you remember? We were both playing hooky, then. I remember thinking how lucky I was, on that day, because we’d both somehow ended up at the same café, on the very same day. That’s why I approached you first. I’m getting Goosebumps writing this, so I’ll leave it short.
I think I’ve liked you for three years.
It sounds weird, huh?
Your desk was next to mine during our second year. Actually, I always thought you were just a weird, quiet and reserved person, who always had good grades (and I was actually quite envious) but it was then when I realized that you were something more than that. I forgot why I started liking you, though.
And I’ve also realized that my confession was a bit of a burden to you. But I want you to know that I do not regret it.
I might regret what I’ll say next, though:
I do not want your answer anymore. Not even if it’s a yes, a no, or a marry me.
See you when I come back, Hayi. I’m sad I couldn’t finish the list with you and Hanbin. Received 8:14am

P.S. please, please, please forget about this conversation when we next see each other. It’s totally embarrassing. Goodbye. Received 8:17am

The breeze stirred the curtains. I read Jiwon’s message all the way through, and then I read it again hoping I’d find something between the lines. But I didn’t. I closed my eyes and spent a long time collecting my thoughts. And when I gathered up the courage to reply, I texted him back saying:

I’m not replying out of pity, but curiosity. Are you at the airport now? Sent 9:21am

Yes. I’m waiting for my plane. Received 9:24am                          

I see. What time will it arrive? Sent 9:24am

In about thirty minutes. Received 9:24am

…Was everything you just sent me real? Sent 9:26am

I can’t think of a reason why I’d lie. Received 9:26am

I’m just making sure. Does Hanbin know you’re leaving today? Sent 9:27am

I told him. I told him everything I told you. Received 9:27am

What did he say? Sent 9:27am

He hasn’t checked his messages yet. He never reads his text, you know that better than I do. Received 9:28am

That’s true. Sent 9:28am

Jiwon… Sent 9:30am

What? Received 9:31am

Are you okay? Sent 9:31am

Yes. Why do you ask? Received 9:31am

You seem different. You talk cold. Sent 9:32am

I’m smiling right now. I’m unable to express myself in text, that’s why. Received 9:32am

Then do this :-) Sent 9:32am

:-) Received 9:32am

. . .

A few weeks went past after Jiwon’s text. Things carried on the way they usually did.

Hanbin and I visited the forest at night frequently. We held normal conversations that didn’t really lead to anywhere, and some cases, whatever it was, we argued. Or not argue, exactly. Discuss. We discussed his favourite topic, and the one about which felt the most strongly: music. It wasn’t often that we argued about this subject, but when those times came where I didn’t agree with him, I felt like I had the worst taste in music in the world. And of course, Hanbin would always win. We carried on adding to the list, completing them, adding more. And at any rate, we avoided any talks about the texts that Jiwon sent us.

The end-of-summer fireworks festival that happened annually in our town landed on a Tuesday. Hanbin, Soohyun and I had promised to go together.

It was the last thing on the list.

“I’m here!” Hanbin announced, removing his shoes before stepping on the wooden platform.

“Hanbin!” mom cried. “Are you hungry?”

His face immediately lit up. “No, Aunt. I heard there’s a lot of food stalls in the festival!”

“Come here, I’ll give you money, then,” she said.

“I’m afraid I can’t accept that, Aunt. My brother gave me money already. Thank you, though.”

Mom gave him a smile and left the living room.

“Yah! Soohyun hurry up or we’ll leave you!” I yelled.

“Coming!” she shouted back.

“You okay?” I turned to Hanbin, who seemed more interested in the walls. “You seem a little reserved.”

“I’m just thinking. It’s nothing.”

“Okay.”

We were about to set off when Soohyun was finally ready. Mom watched as we stood, putting our shoes on, near the front door. And then, almost out of the blue, mom hugged Hanbin. The same way she hugged Chanhyuk when he passed his exams. The same way she hugged Soohyun when she got out of the hospital. The same way she’d hug me every morning before I left for school. Hanbin hugged back, looking slightly confused.

“Don’t forget that you’re my child, too, okay, Hanbin-ah?” she said in a frail voice. “Don’t forget that there’ll be a home—a family—waiting for you in this little town. Grow up well with your brother in Seoul, and show us a man when you come back.”

“I was thinking of how to tell you this, Aunt. But I’m glad Hayi already told you.”

“Don’t worry about it!” mom said, and pulled out of what seemed like a really long hug. “Have fun tonight. Don’t stay out too late, especially you, Hanbin. Your brother might get worried sick!”

. . .

Can I ask you something, Jiwon?  Sent 9:33am

Yes. :-) Received 9:33am

What made you stop seeking for my answer? Sent 9:33am

I don’t want to hurt you, as much as I don’t want you to hurt me. And I’m sure it’s the same for you. Received 9:34am

It is. Sent 9:34am

I can sense your guilt all the way from the airport. Don’t worry about me, I can get over you quickly. Heh. Received 9:34am

How do you know? Sent 9:34am

Because I’ve already forgotten why I started liking you. Received 9:35am

I see. Sent 9:35am

One day, I’ll wake up knowing for sure that I don’t like you in that way anymore. When that day comes, I’ll tell you. Received 9:35am

Apparently, you can really like someone but know that they’re not the one. Received 9:35am

I agree. Sent 9:35am

Have you ever felt that way before? Received 9:36am

No. Sent 9:36am

Oh. Hanbin just texted back. Received 9:38am

What did he say? Sent 9:38am

. . .

That day, we walked around town with no destination in mind. We strolled through the vast crowds, and we got distracted by almost every two stalls we saw, so we halted at each and every one of them. And when it got dark, the festival lanterns lit up from all over the place. The immensely loud music, the smell of food that dwelled in the air, the illuminating lights, and the happiness of the people made my heart dither.

“Hayi? Soohyun?” a familiar voice called out, followed by a light tap on my shoulder. We turned around to see that it was Jinhwan. “So it really is you guys!”

“Are you alone?” I asked.

He placed his hand on the back of his head and smiled. “I’m working part-time. I just made my deliveries, and seeing as how the houses were near here, I thought I’d stay for a while and watch the fireworks.”

“I see.”

“Actually, can I come along with you two? It feels a little awkward…walking around in a busy festival on my own. I feel like a loner.” Soohyun and I laughed. And when he saw Hanbin, towering over us, his expression changed. “A-actually… it’s fine,” Jinhwan said nervously. “I’ll just borrow Soohyun. Hayi, can I?”

“It’s fine with me!” Soohyun said eagerly.

“You better not stay out late,” I told her.

“Geez, Hayi, you’re talking like mom,” she said back, and then she linked arms with Jinhwan. “Have fun!”

Perhaps it did worry me, how reckless Soohyun behaved sometimes, but I was relieved that she was back to being the old Soohyun. Almost, anyway. Truthfully, I’d always felt that there were two walls between Soohyun and I. Even before the incident. One which I built for myself and another that Soohyun secretly kept. A wall around the emptiness inside her, she had to create a sunny person that she became. But now I couldn’t help but think that those walls were finally gone. I learned how to stop being cautious around her all the time, and Soohyun knew she didn’t have to hold her tears back anymore.

“Fireworks start at ten,” Hanbin said. We carried on walking amidst the crowd. “I think we have half an hour left. Are you hungry?”

“Let’s get tteokbokki,” I replied, pointing at the stall in front of us.

“Okay. Wait here.”

As I waited, I kept my eyes on the starless sky. What a coincidence, I thought. Not a star in the sky to steal the spotlight away from the fireworks.

“Here you go,” he said, handing me the dish on a small plastic plate. “My treat today!”

. . .

He told me he’s sorry. Received 9:40am

Sorry for what? Sent 9:42am

. . .

“I’m curious about something, Hanbin. I have been for a while now,” I started.

“What is it?”

“You and your brother. What happened?”

“Hmm,” a sad smile graced Hanbin’s lips. We ambled down a road illuminated by street lamps, and then we settled down on the freshly-cut grass of the meadow near the forest. The trees and tall grass surrounded us, and we could see nothing but the sky above. “I forgave my brother.”

“It wasn’t easy, though, was it?” I said. “I don’t know.”

“Well, when our own father had abandoned us, and mom and sis died. It felt terrible—so terrible that I wanted to die, as well. And I always assumed that only I had carried that kind of sadness with me. Until…” He fell silent upon saying that very word, and I could only wait. Then he looked at the sky, and in a quiet voice, Hanbin said, “Until you made me realize something, Hayi. That my brother had to deal with that sadness as well—and the guilt.”

“I don’t understand, how I’d made you realize something like that.”

He looked at me with a pair of confused eyes, and then a soft chuckle escaped from his mouth. “I guess you were too busy mumbling out sentences and crying that you could hardly remember. Your head was in a rumble, after all. You told me something on the day you met my brother; on the way to the rooftop. A few minutes before you stopped crying.”

“I… told you?” I asked, still confused. “I really don’t remember. Sorry.”

“About how I reminded you of Soohyun. You talked about that, and then I understood something,” he continued. “I understood that my brother must’ve felt like you did, too. Not the same kind of agony. But somewhat similar. So I learned how to do something I should have known how to do a long time ago, when our father left us. To forgive.”

Only the shrill cries of the cicadas could be heard, then. A grass-scented breeze swept over us. We waited. And for those two minutes we just stared at each other, and I watched the black in his eyes. It was nice—in the dark and the quiet, with his eyes looking back, like there was something in me worth seeing.

And then the crowd from the distance started chanting the numbers, “3, 2, 1!”

Then the fireworks exploded, rippling across the dark night sky. As one started to fade out, others started to rumble in. Igniting with every cry from the crowd.

Another firework tore open the sky.

I ruffled Hanbin’s hair, almost out of reflex. I remembered all those times when he did that same gesture to me; at that moment, when Hanbin was sitting down, and while his height wasn’t bringing me into a disadvantage, I’d somehow felt the need to get even.

“What’s that for?”

“Just,” I said. “I dunno.”

“Then,” he patted my head, “now we’re even.”

. . .

The fireworks went on for nearly half an hour. Hanbin didn't say a lot throughout the rest of the night, but he was warm and sincere. He walked me to bus stop near my home, and I told him that we wouldn’t need to go further because I was fine walking on my own.

So we said our goodbyes.

We said our goodbyes on that same bus stop like we’d said it a thousand times before, like we were going to see each other on the very next day, and everything else was going to remain the same.

Knowing all too well that it wouldn’t.

We said goodbyes to each other. Nothing more, nothing less.

Just a simple goodbye. Just that.

While I walked away, I thought about the possibility of seeing each other again in the future. I thought about the distance between our town and Seoul. I thought about the population of Seoul and how Hanbin would join those 10 million others in the morning. I thought about how I’d most probably still be awake while Hanbin boarded in his train, given that I was an insomniac.

I thought about Hanbin.

And then there was that grip-wrenching sadness that started to fill my heart bit by bit.

. . .

That crazy bastard is saying sorry for liking you. Received 9:44am

I’m about to board the plane now. See you. Received 9:45am

. . . 

end of the night // i think about junhoe when i hear this song

note to self: don't write just because you can't sleep at the middle of the night. it causes s​entimentality (and a lot of grammar mistakes)