We were in school one morning when Jiwon had an accident during basketball practice. I rushed over to the infirmary as soon as I heard it from a classmate. Class was about to begin, but I couldn’t care less. Just outside the infirmary room, I ran into three boys who were in Jiwon’s basketball team. They talked casually amongst themselves like nothing bad had happened. Their voices filled the empty hallway as they walked away from the room.

“What happened to him?” I asked. My voice came out louder and meaner than I’d meant it to. They all stopped walking and turned to me in chorus.

One of the boys scoffed and said, “So you’re Jiwon’s girl.” That gained him a playful elbow on his chest from the taller one.

“Chill, Hayi,” he said. “Jiwon’s okay. He just sprained his arm. It isn’t serious.”

I nodded in return and went into the room. It was the second time I’d ever been inside the school infirmary, but it gave me reassurance that I hated places like that. Everything was soldierly painted in white, from the walls to the floors, to the beds; and the smell of antiseptics made it impossible for me to breathe freely. It reminded me of Soohyun’s stay in the hospital, and what happened on that very day. Luckily, all those thoughts faded into thin air when I saw Jiwon’s face. He was the only person in the room aside from me. And he was awake.

“Hayi!” Jiwon cried out as soon as he saw me. “You’re here.”

“You worried me. What the hell happened?”

“I played on an empty stomach and I didn’t move out of the way when I was tackled,” he explained. “Now I have a sprained arm and a headache.” I pulled out a chair to sit beside Jiwon’s bed.

“That’s stupid.”

“Yeah. And I don’t think I can play for the entire season. Not with this freakin’ cast on.”

“Don’t tell me you were planning to spend your summer break playing basketball.”

Jiwon smiled and shook his head. “Of course not. I was planning to spend it with you and Hanbin. Speaking of which, is that punk back yet?”

“Not yet,” I said. “Give him time.”

He stalled for a moment, as if he was collecting some of his thoughts, and then his face turned serious. “Did… something happen?”

“Yeah.”

“I see,” he replied quietly.

A short silence followed. I got to thinking about the last time I’d been in an infirmary room. It was during middle school, when Jang Hanna passed out during gym class and it was me who had to take her to the school nurse—I was her best friend. It’s strange because when that happened, I never stopped to think of it as something that would make a lasting impression, and I certainly never imagined that three years later I would recall it in such detail. That was the only memory I had with Jang Hanna of which I remembered in such an intense detail. It made me wonder what kind of memories I’d keep and recall with Hanbin and Jiwon.

“Can I tell you something, Hayi?” Jiwon suddenly said.

“Okay.”

He gave me a smile in return. Jiwon’s smile was so beautiful that even his fake ones were convincing. “Do you know why Hanbin punched me that day? Do you remember? The bruises?”

“Of course I do.”

There was a long silence, and finally he said, “He saw me cutting myself. The punk followed me all the way from school and saw me in that mess. And next thing you know, he’s beating the out of me. My parents just got divorced, I ran away from home, I was depressed—it was the lowest moment of my life. And it was Hanbin who punched me out of it. Funny thing is, Hayi, I still haven’t thanked him for it.”

“Then, why haven’t you?”

“I felt guilty,” he answered. “And I still do. How can I sincerely thank the guy who saved me, when I left him during the lowest moment of his life?”

I swallowed and nodded. The silence took over us again. “Perhaps, you’ve already said your thanks,” I told him.

He looked at me, confused, with his eyes softening up. “How so?”

“Well, you’re with him now, aren’t you? Somebody like Hanbin doesn’t need a guilty ‘thank you’ in words. I just know that Hanbin isn’t the kind to hold grudges like that. He isn’t waiting for your thanks.”

“You think so?”

“Well, don’t you think so?”

He nodded, and then we stayed quiet for a long time. The sound of the roads outside filled the space between us and our thoughts. Still, even with the background noises from outside, it was very quiet.

Jiwon gulped another glass of water, and studied my face. “You like him—Hanbin—don’t you?”

“Of course I like Hanbin. He’s my friend.”

He blinked once. “No, not like that,” he said. I kept quiet when I got the grasp of what Jiwon meant.

“No, not like that,” I repeated.

“But normal people don’t do that,” he told me. “People don’t go to such lengths just to try and understand someone. It just doesn’t happen. And I’ve seen it.”

“You’ve seen what?”

“The way you look at him,” Jiwon said. “Why is that so, Hayi? Why do you look at him differently from the way you look at everybody else?”

I wanted to tell him that I'd never had a friend, not ever, not a real one. Until Hanbin. I wanted to tell him that I never knew that people like Hanbin existed in the world, people who looked at the stars, and knew the mysteries of music, and knew well enough to know that lies hurt more than the truth. I wanted to tell him that he had changed my life and that I would never be the same, not ever. I wanted to tell him that Hanbin was the first human being aside from my mother who had ever made me want to talk about the things that scared me. I wanted to tell him so many things and yet I didn't have the words.

So I just stupidly repeated myself, “He’s my friend.”

He tried to read my expression, and as if my thoughts were like an open book, Jiwon said, “Ah, I’m jealous.”

“Jealous?” I blurted out.

“I’ve always been Hanbin’s best friend. But now, you’re probably more special to him.”

I chuckled. “You’re jealous of me?”

“I’m jealous of Hanbin, too,” he confessed. Then Jiwon looked straight into my eyes as if peering at some unusual object. “Say, Hayi, between Hanbin and I, who would you choose?”

Now and then, whenever I was with Jiwon, he’d say things like that. Sometimes it would be a remark I might have responded to, and sometimes it would be something to which I had no idea how to reply. This time, there was not much I could say in reply.

“Scratch that,” he suddenly said, with a smile tugging lightly on his lips. “You should go back.”

“Fine. Are you okay by yourself?”

He nodded. “I’ll just rest for now. Don’t worry about me.”

. . .

“Hayi, I just realised something. Autumn begins at the twenty third this year. So it falls at the same day as your birthday.”

“Is it rare?”

“I wouldn’t call it rare, but it doesn’t happen every year. It depends upon the lining of the stars and all that crap,” Hanbin replied. “The next time it’ll happen is... let’s see—” He scanned the whole page of the astronomy book we found hiding in my room. “—in two years. So when you turn twenty.”

“Two years,” I repeated. “Hey, do you think a lot will change by then?”

“I think so.”

“I wonder if that’s a good thing.”

“Hmm, let’s see. In two years, I’ll probably be at Seoul, and you, writing a book. Jiwon would be studying at med school. And even if we’ve moved to different places, we’d still keep in touch like the distance means nothing. I want it to be as straightforward as that. I mean, of course, there should be ups and downs, because it wouldn’t be interesting if it was just consistently good. But still, I hope the positive outweighs the negative,” he told me, with a sincere smile embracing his lips. “Or, something like that. Something good is ought to happen to the three of us, right?”

Hanbin’s childish imaginations made me smile. It was illusory, too far from reality, but inside I found myself hoping that the future would be as clear as he had said it to be. “I hope so,” I said. I really hoped so.

“Hey, Hayi, can I borrow this book? I think it can help me figure out the stars better.”

“Go ahead.”

“I’ll bring it back, I swear.”

. . .

“Summer has officially began, kids,” Hanbin announced to us, as we stood on the same rooftop where he’d brought me two weeks before; when I stupidly cried in front of him.

“Why did you bring us here, out of all places?”

“Because the stars look great up here,” Hanbin replied, grinning. The wind had died down. Just then I realized that the sky was filled with stars. The stars were so bright, then, that it was as if someone had painted the whole sky with the colour black and supplemented it with holes which had lights coming through them.

“We live far from the city so the stars looks great anywhere, stupid,” Jiwon remarked. “But why are we here on the first day of our freedom?”

Hanbin smiled. “Because I wanted to watch the first summer night sky with you guys. And because we need to make sure that this will be the best summer we’ve ever had. Something we can look back on when we’re old.”

I scoffed. “Is that really all?”

“I just want this summer to be my first good summer—since it’s with you guys, after all. And we’ll all be turning eighteen this year. That means we’re entering the world of adulthood soon,” said Hanbin, leaning over the railings. “Which is why I wanted to tell you guys something, too.”

“What?” Jiwon and I chorused.

Hesitation crossed Hanbin’s face for a moment. A thought. But ultimately, it didn’t stop him from saying these words: “I’m moving to Seoul after summer.”

I shot Jiwon a look, and he, too, was as shocked as me. “How come?” Jiwon’s voice sounded frail.

“They want to move my show to a bigger broadcasting station. My brother offered me his place to stay. So, why not? I shouldn’t let opportunities like this pass.”

“Y-your brother?!” Jiwon blurted out, still sounding as confused as I was.

“It’s a long story,” said Hanbin. “And you,” he said again, pointing at me this time. “What are you so quiet for?”

I took a deep breath and turned to him. “To be honest, I’m just letting this sink in.”

He chuckled. “You’re acting as if we’ll never see each other again when I leave.”

“So, you’ll visit?”

“Of course I will.”

“It won’t be the same,” Jiwon cut in. “But of course, we can’t just expect to stay in this little town forever.”

“Exactly.”

I could only stare at the two of them and say nothing more. To be honest, thinking about what the future held for us was tiring, and most of all: it scared me. Now looking back, I was unable to find a place for myself in the world around me. And when I finally found it within Hanbin and Jiwon, it was going to be taken away. I knew that on that day forwards, when Hanbin said those very words, getting hurt would have been the only realistic option for the three of us.

And yet hope was already within me; hope that Hanbin’s prediction for the future would have been as straightforward and as childish as he had said it before. That we would get to do what we want to do. That the three of us would still remain friends.

“Let’s not talk about the future from now on,” I said to the two of them. “No more guessing what the future would look like.”

“I agree,” Hanbin replied.

“Well, if that’s it, then I’m going home,” I announced. “I might miss the last bus.”

“You’re still taking part, aren’t you? I’ll make a list of everything we need to do.”

“A list? Like a summer list?” Jiwon asked.

“Yes, like a summer list!”

“What—climb trees and pick out pretty pebbles from the river? God, that’s so childish,” I said.

“Why the hell not,” Hanbin laughed. “We’re still children, after all.”

“We’re seventeen. But whatever,” I replied. “Just come to my house tomorrow.”

“Should we bring anything?” chorused Hanbin and Jiwon.

“Bring the stupid list.”

. . .

green nocturne // ♡