During our final spring of high school, we had to pass back our job forms so that we had an idea of what courses to take in college. Even though they weren’t absolute, a lot of people still took them seriously. I ended up writing down literature and architecture as a second choice, despite what I told Hanbin because ‘writing and travelling the world’ didn’t seem much of a realistic answer. Not that there was a definite pick, anyway.

Most people in our class chose either medicine or engineering. Even Jiwon, who once confessed to me that he wasn’t interested in becoming a doctor, wrote down ‘a doctor’ in the ‘what do you aspire to be in the future?’ question. “It’s what my dad wants… and I just want to make my parents happy,” he told me when I asked him why he did that. I think I only realised then how lucky I was to have parents who said things like ‘do whatever makes you happy’ and who actually meant it.

Was it coincidental that all these people who wanted to be a doctor and an engineer ended up as a bundle in one class? Was it coincidental that they all wanted to have the same job?

Were they put in a difficult situation by their parents, like Jiwon, too?

I think one of the hardest things about adolescence was making the choices. What course would lead you to where. What your future would look like. It was almost scary to think that this depended on what you got on your exams and some forms you had to fill in. “It’s also kind of ed up,” Hanbin added when I told him that. “Why do adults treat us like children but enforce such decisions upon us?” He folded his paper into a paper airplane and flew it outside the window as the whole class watched, amazed, as the paper barely glided into a random field.

When I handed my paper in to Mrs Choi, she read it and looked at me with a smile. “Are you happier these days, Hayi?”

I try. “I think I am.”

“They say that a person’s writing reflects upon their mood.”

“I’ve heard about that. Is my writing less gloomy now?” I joked.

“They’re not as pessimistic as they used to seem,” she chuckled. “I’m joking. I’m just glad you’re still considering literature as a course. You were told that your grades were good enough to get into medicine, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Many people would have taken that opportunity,” she said.

I hesitated for a while, trying to look for an answer. “I’m… not really interested.”

“And that’s why I’m glad you didn’t take that option.”

. . .

The following week, sometime during May, Hanbin didn’t attend school for a week. Jiwon and I were worried about him. I called several times on the phone, but nobody was there.

Despite his honest virtue and his ability to be so straightforward all of the time, I always had an itch that there were countless things that Hanbin couldn’t tell me or Jiwon. Things that he was keeping to himself probably outweighed the things that I was keeping to myself. I figured me and Hanbin always had that one thing in common, putting aside our differences. We were on the same page when it came to that subject. Hanbin always remained a mystery to the rest of our class, and even though we were the closest to him, Jiwon and I still couldn’t solve that part of him.

On a Friday evening, though, I came very close to solving Kim Hanbin.

Straight after school, I headed to his apartment with a mindset that if he wasn’t there I’d head over to the small broadcasting station he worked at. It was Friday, after all, and there was no way he’d ditch his work. And much to my surprise, the door opened. However, what greeted me wasn’t Hanbin’s glare, followed by a gloomy, “Why are you here?”

Instead, what opened the door to me was a guy in his early twenties. I didn’t know who the guy was. His hair parted in the middle, with the colour black on the right side and white on the other. He just smiled and stared blankly at me.

“Hello,” he said, but the way he said it reminded me of Hanbin. There was a similar edge to his voice.

“Is Hanbin here?”

“Are you his classmate?” he asked, suddenly enthusiastic.

“Yeah.”

“Oh my,” he said. “You’re not his girlfriend, are you?”

I chuckled. “No, I’m not.”

“Ah! That’s a relief—oops, excuse my rudeness. I mean if you were his girlfriend, that’d be wonderful! But I think I’d get hurt even more if my own brother didn’t tell me about having a girlfriend,” he laughed softly, placing his hand on the nape of his neck. “That’s what brothers are for. You agree with me, right?”

“Yeah,” I answered. I began to think that Hanbin’s brother was a very bubbly man. He talked warmly, too, like he was almost the opposite of Hanbin himself. Hanbin told me before that he had a dead sister. I wondered why Hanbin hadn’t mentioned he also had a brother—who was alive.

“I’m being rude again! Why don’t you come in,” he said, looking at me, hoping I’d finish his sentence.

“Hayi,” I quickly said. “Lee Hayi.”

“What a pretty name! I’m Jiyong!”

We sat in the living room, and there was still no sign of Hanbin. Nevertheless, Jiyong and I just came to talking. He talked a lot, while I listened carefully. Jiyong, I found out, lived in Seoul as a director. He said he wasn’t a very well-known director; that he had only worked for small sitcoms and earned very little, yet despite all of that, he told me about his job as if it was everything to him. “Sorry I talk too much,” Jiyong said, stopping in the middle of his sentence about how he had to come back to Seoul in three days’ time. “I’m telling you my life story and you were only looking for Hanbin.”

I smiled. “It’s okay. It was fun.”

“Actually, Hanbin doesn’t come home anymore. In fact, he won’t even speak to me. My brother’s still a little naïve. Sorry I couldn’t tell you that earlier, before you decided to waste your time on me.”

“It's really okay. But, why does he hate you?”

Jiyong’s face suddenly turned serious. “Hmm, when did it start? When did she die?” he whispered to himself. After seconds of thinking, he suddenly said, “You see, I was in a fight with my sister before she died. A big fight. I was so angry that I told her to kill herself. And you know what she did the day after? She hung herself. Hanbin was the first one to find her corpse in her bedroom. , I can’t even begin to imagine how he felt. That isn't the only reason why he hates me, though.”

I went on being quiet.

“I didn’t even attend her funeral afterwards. I couldn’t. I felt like a criminal, so I left Hanbin and mother and I fled to Seoul on my own. Hanbin had to take care of our mother, who was ill at the time, all by himself. He had to see her die, too,” he said, reminiscent of his past. “Hanbin still hate my guts for it. Of course, I don’t blame him. My little brother had to suffer through all of those deaths, while I ran away. I finally understood why everyone always told Hanbin that he was just like my mother, while I was like my father. Me and my father are both cowards.”

I stayed silent, not really knowing what to say to that. I just felt sick. Sick that I got myself involved with a guy like Jiyong. I understood now why Hanbin had tried so hard to ignore the existence of his brother. I was even close to crying, although I did not know why. I stood up without saying a word and went out through the door.

“You know where Hanbin is,” he suddenly said, just before I stepped out. “You do, don’t you?”

I shook my head no, even though I very well knew where he was. “I don’t.”

“Don’t worry, Hayi, I won’t ask you to tell me where he went. Just, I have a favour to ask of you.”

“What is it?” I asked, almost regrettably, as if I was doing a favour for a monster.

“Don’t leave Hanbin,” he said. “Don’t leave Hanbin like his friends did back then. Like I did.”

“I won’t,” I told him. “I’m not you.”

. . .

Hanbin at the age of fourteen, lost both of his mother and sister.

Hanbin at the age of fourteen, lost his entire family.

“Hayi?” Hanbin said. “What are you doing here? Is Jiwon with you? Why are your eyes—were you crying?”

“No,” I said, my voice muffled from my sleeves. “I’m just cold.”

“Put your head up, then,” he said. “You’re mumbling.” He looked at me kind of the way a mom does, and that shouldn’t have cracked me open, but it did.

Tears threatened to fall. I remained silent for a while, then suddenly burst into tears, trembling all over. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed with the same suffocating violence I had the night Soohyun tried to kill herself. I couldn’t speak. I just cried, knowing all too well that Hanbin was right there, watching me, offering me silence when it should have been the other way around. I felt selfish. I shouldn’t have cried, but I did, and not because I felt sorry for Hanbin, but because I was scared, and it hurt me a lot, how he acted so strong all the time.

. . .

Everything came as a blur and by the time I stopped crying, I was on the rooftop of some building, and right next to me was Hanbin watching the stars carefully.

“Have you stopped yet, cry-baby?” he nudged me. Hearing Hanbin’s voice after that long silence was heartening. “Don’t you love the sky, Hayi? Look at how it drowns out the stars all over.”

“Yeah. It’s pretty.”

“What’s that star called?” he asked, pointing at Aquila. He acted as if I wasn't crying just a second ago, and I appreciated it a lot. In a way, it was also comforting.

“Aquila,” I told him.

“And that one?”

“Taurus.”

“How did you learn those?”

“My dad loves astronomy. We used to stargaze all the time.”

“Sweet. Should I start learning the names of the constellations, too?”

“Like a hobby?”

“Like a hobby,” he repeated. “So when I learn how to drive, we’d bring Jiwon and we can drive into the desert and go stargazing. And we can name the different constellations.”

“Sounds good.”

“Jiwon need to learn the names too, though.”

“True.”

A short silence followed.

“I met your brother,” I finally confessed.

“Hmm, I figured,” he replied quietly. “I saw your text about coming to my house. I figured he would have been there, and you would have met him.”

“I think he told me more than I should know. Sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry to me, it’s not your fault, Hayi. My brother, he talks a lot. However, I never wanted to talk about any of this,” he said. “I wanted to shut it up in my heart. I wish I still could. But I have to talk about it. You're my bestfriend, after all. He probably told you that I hate him, right?”

“He did.”

“Well, I don’t,” Hanbin scoffed, and looked back up at the sky. “I don’t hate him. I’m just angry. And I see red whenever I see his face. I get so angry, I can’t even face him. Most of all, I’m scared. Scared that someday this anger will turn into something else. Maybe hate. And it scares the out of me because I don’t want to hate my own brother, Hayi. No matter how much he ed up before, he’s the only family I have in this world.”

I don’t know what came over me when I told him, “I’ll be your family.”

Hanbin tilted his head and studied my face carefully. Finally, he smiled and ruffled my hair. “Now, that would be really wonderful, wouldn’t it?”

. . .

fool for love // personally one of my favourite songs

why is it i always end up writing a chapter for this story whenever i have to revise? i just want to thank you all for reading this story ^^