2009 . 10 . 31 – 8:47pm

“About time you showed up!”

A unison of chuckles and laughter erupted the room as the group turned to face the door after Jay called out towards the entrance.  f(x) was on small break from schedules and was given the opportunity to spend time on their personal favors whether it was with themselves alone or hanging out with friends and/or family.  In Amber’s case, it was with her friends.

Amber laughed as she took off her shoes and hung her jacket in the closet, greeting those from afar with a big smile.  Jay and Eros approached their young tomboy celebrity-friend and gave her a big bear hug, causing Amber to give out a choking laugh.  Her smile widened realizing how much she missed her friends.

As Jay and Eros escorted Amber back to the living room where the rest of her friends were, Amber went around the circle of friends and greeted them.  She sat down on the floor, her back leaning on the couch that Michelle and Nick occupied with Erika, while Jay and Eros sat back on the floor with Amber, continuing to play their on-going competition of NBA 2k09.

“So how’s the rookie-idol?!” Erika shouted, shaking Amber’s shoulders from the couch.

Amber laughed.  “I’m good, I’m good.  Just tired but hey, it’s alright.”

“Dude,” Eros called out as he munched on some chips, continuing to maneuver his way through the game on his PS3 controller. “School is not the same without you, man.”

“Seriously,” Nick chimed in, leaning back into the couch.  He ruffled Amber’s hair to which the tomboy laughed and fixed it back in its place. “Our teachers didn’t even know that you were like, gonna become famous.”

“No, some of them knew,” Michelle added. “They were just surprised that it happened so soon.”

Amber shrugged and added a chuckle.  She definitely felt comfortable being surrounded by their unique voices again.

“How is that going to happen, by the way?” Jay asked curiously.

“How is what going to happen?” Amber questioned in the same tone.

“School,” Michelle and Nick answered in unison.  Amber turned her head to face them.  She shook her head in awe.  “I swear, it still amazes me how you guys do that so well,” she said with a small laugh.

Erika laughed.  “Well, I mean come on, you’ve never had a moment like that with Vanessa?”

Amber raised her eyebrows uncomfortably and blew air through .  “Yeah,” she started. “About that…”

The others looked at Amber in curiosity, causing the tomboy to do a double-take.  “Wait,” she said with a hand up in mid-air. “She never told any of you guys?”

“Dude, after graduation, Vanessa went MIA on us,” Jay answered.

“Yeah,” Eros said. “We just thought that she spent most of her remaining free time with you since you were debuting soon.”

Amber exhaled through her nose and nodded slowly.  She leaned back onto the base of the couch and let her legs stretch out in front of her.  “Yeah, we broke up.”

“Because of your celebrity status?” Erika asked.

Amber shook her head.  The others continued to look at her as they waited for an answer while Amber hesitated.  She heaved a sigh.  “She was abusive.”

Jay furrowed her eyebrows.  “Meaning…”

“She hit me.  And no,” Amber stopped to rub her face out of frustration, reliving short memories of the occurrences. “It wasn’t like the playful hitting—it was the full blown-out ‘I’m gonna slap the sh*t out of you’ type of hitting.”

She looked to the others as they slowly took in the newfound information about their mutual friend.  She saw that Eros and Jay had stopped playing their game, completely letting go of their controllers.  Amber knew that it hit them in the face since Vanessa did not look like the type to do what she did to her while they were together.

Amber heaved another sigh.  “So, um…yeah…”

Erika hesitantly put a hand on Amber’s shoulder.  “Are you…okay?”

The latter nodded.  “Yeah, I’m fine.  I still kind of feel like—I guess uncomfortable talking about it, but it’s gotten better.”

“How long did this go on for?” Nick asked.

“About a month,” Amber responded.  She rubbed the back of her neck. “A few weeks before graduation, actually.”  She added a shrug. “I mean, I know she wouldn’t exactly admit that she did what she did to you guys, but I had at least thought she would tell at least one of you that we were over.”

Erika shook her head.  “Yeah, no.  I never heard from her after graduation.”

Eros nodded.  “Neither have I.”

“Nobody else knew?” Michelle questioned.

“No…” Amber said shaking her head slowly.  “Krystal knew.”

The group responded with a unison of raised eyebrows.  Amber mentally shuddered to herself acknowledging how she and her friends were so uniquely close together that they even did the same gestures.  She never got over it.

“How did Krystal know if we didn’t?” Jay asked.

“Well, she is in the same group as her, Jay,” Erika added.  “She saw Amber more than us every day.”

“Okay, true,” Jay admitted.  “But still, I’m pretty sure Krystal isn’t a big fan of Amber’s relationship with Vanessa.”

Amber and Eros locked eyes briefly, making the tomboy note to herself to ask Eros in depth of what he and Krystal spoke about the night he gave her his jacket.  Despite being tired from on and off schedules, she was still widely alert to the little things and knew that he knew something.

“Well, you’re right on the money, Jay,” Amber said.  “Krystal does not like Vanessa at all.”

“So then why tell her?” Michelle said.  “It would just make her hate the girl more.”

“Hey, ‘hate’ is a very strong word, although I think Krystal was close to that definition,” Nick added.

Amber shook her head apathetically.  “I didn’t tell her.  She saw it happen.”

Erika scrunched her eyebrows.  “Where the hell were you two for Krystal to see and not be seen?”

“The company, I guess,” Amber replied.  “She never specified but I know that Krystal saw and heard what she would say to me.”

“What would she say to you?” Eros asked.

Amber looked down.  “I’d really rather not say.”  She exhaled through .  “Either way, Vanessa tried to get back with me the night of my debut and I still told her no, regardless.”

“And what did she say to that?” Erika said.

Amber groaned out of frustration as she quickly relived that night.  She shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead.  “She swears I won’t get back with her because of Krystal.”

“What?  What about Krystal?” she asked again.

“She thinks you like her, huh.”  It was more of a statement than an actual question coming from Jay in a mellow tone.

The tomboy nodded and shook her head.  “It just makes things so frustrating.”

“Am,” Michelle called out.  “I know that it’s frustrating but let’s say you did have feelings for Krystal, why would that be so bad?”

9:12pm

“It’s so good to see you, again!”

Krystal laughed at the excitement Silvia showed upon entering her house and greeted her with a big hug.  With the small break f(x) had, she too decided to go and spend some time with her close friend.  The others of their similar age group were unfortunately doing other plans on the American holiday of Halloween, but it didn’t stop Krystal from missing any slight chance of spending it with at least someone she was close to.

“I know what you mean,” Krystal agreed as she finished taking off her shoes and jacket, now being led into the living room with her friend.  Both Silvia and her agreed to having a movie night filled with American horror movies to live the Halloween spirit.

Silvia screamed with more excitement as the two took their seats on Silvia’s living room couch, causing the latter to laugh again.  “I’m sorry,” Silvia apologized.  “It just feels like I haven’t seen you in so long!”

Krystal nodded with a smile.  “I know. I’ve been so busy, so don’t take it the wrong way if it makes it look like I’m ignoring you.”

Silvia shook her head vigorously.  “No, never that, idol.”

Krystal rolled her eyes at the emphasis of her new title.  “Okay, I’ve heard that word one too many times this passed like—almost two months of being a part of f(x).”

“How is that, by the way?”

The idol nodded her head in approval.  “It’s alright.  We just have so much to do in one day every day.”

“I can imagine,” Silvia agreed.  She grabbed a can of Coke from the coffee table and opened it, handing it over to Krystal, to which the latter thanked.  She grabbed another one for herself, opened it and took a sip.  “My parents asked about you; we always watch your live performances—our circle of friends included.”

The younger girl chuckled.  “Wow, thanks haha.”

Silvia smiled.  “No problem.”

Shortly after settling in with their mini-reunion, the girls automatically caught up on what has happened since school ended back in June all the way up until where they were now.  Both girls exchanged their stories from over the summer, the time f(x) debuted and the rest of September and October that followed shortly after.  The girls laughed here and there about their crazy stories of being separated from each other ever since Krystal debuted.  Right after school ended, her time usually in school was spent practicing constantly—making sure that each move was on point and that each note was hit at the perfect pitch considering she was one of the lead singers.

After settling down into a comfortable silence, they continued to watch their horror movie marathon, now moving onto “The Ring.”  Both Krystal and Silvia had seen this movie at least five times; it was one of their favorites to watch because they couldn’t understand how dumb a guy could be at the end of the movie to stay in his apartment and get killed from his television screen.  But that was none of their business.

Silvia peaked over slyly towards Krystal and noticed that she was content and well watching the movie.  She also noticed that every—literally—two minutes, she was checking her phone, but not in an obvious way.  Silvia saw that Krystal would check her phone by simply clicking the lock button to reveal if she had any notifications, which was completely accessible on her lap.  And then she wondered—Amber.  Ever since the conversation she and Krystal had with Eros the night of the dance, they have not spoken about it one bit—nor even breathed about it.

“So, quick question,” Silvia began without much hesitation.

The latter hummed a response, eyes still on the television screen.  After a few seconds of unresponsive silence, Krystal averted her attention to her friend next to her, turning her head.  “What is it?” she asked.

Silvia furrowed her eyebrows.  “What exactly is ‘shipping’?”

Krystal chuckled at seeing the confusion on her friend’s face.  “It’s when fans pair up idols; it’s like a common fan service here in Korea.  Fans like seeing their favorite members or idols together.”  She added a shrug.  “That’s the best way I can explain it to you.”

Silvia hummed a response, looking down and scrunching her lips to one side.  Krystal squinted her eyes at the action.  “What is it?” she asked again.

The latter locked eyes with Krystal and sighed quickly.  She hesitated.  “So…what exactly is ‘KryBer’?”

Krystal blinked at the question.  “Me and… Amber.”

Silvia nodded.  Krystal could tell that Silvia was hesitating on the conversation and it kept her anxious.  Her and her best friend have not spoken about Amber since the night of the dance back in June—and it was a time Krystal did not really want to relive all over again.  She swallowed a lump that formed quickly.  “It’s common to pair up two girls,” she added.

“I heard,” Silvia replied.

Krystal continued to observe the girl in front of her, realizing that she wasn’t satisfied.  Her anxiety kept building.  “Okay.  Just get it off your chest already,” Krystal spat out.  “It’s killing me.”

9:25pm

“Babe,” Nick said as he lightly elbowed his girlfriend next to him.  “They’re in the same group and you’re asking why it would be so bad?”

“Well I don’t know,” she responded.  “It would be so much easier to hide a relationship if you guys were in the same group, don’t you think?”

“Okay, can we like—not do this?” Amber interrupted abruptly flailing her hands in the air. 

Michelle threw her hands up in defense.  “Sorry… sorry.”

Amber shut her eyes, shook her head and sighed roughly.  “No, I’m sorry.  I just—” She added a loud groan and threw her head back, letting her head rest on the couch as she stared up at the ceiling.  She chuckled out of pity.  “I don’t even know.”

She shut her eyes a second time, feeling exhaustion take over.  She rubbed her face with both hands and heaved another sigh.  “I don’t even know why…” Amber paused.  She could feel the eyes of her friends on her in anticipation.  She swallowed and straightened herself out, bring her head up away from the couch and looked down.  “…why I try to fight it so much.”

“Can anyone blame you?” Erika asked.  She got off the couch to reach Amber’s level on the floor and lightly nudged her friend next to her.  “Like honestly, can anyone blame you?” she emphasized.

“Yeah,” Eros began.  “You’re in a country where people have come out and have been disowned from their families; some even committed suicide.”

“We can see why this is so hard,” Jay added.  “But don’t be in denial, know what I mean?”

Amber nodded.  “You know, I wish I didn’t have feelings for Krystal.”

Michelle and Nick got off the couch and followed suit with Erika, joining the group on the floor.  They both nodded.  “We know,” Michelle assured.  “But you do; it’s obvious,” Nick stated.

Amber chuckled and shook her head.  Jay laughed lightly to himself.  “Yeah, seriously,” he started.  He grabbed a nearby small pillow that he used earlier as a head rest on the floor and threw it at the tomboy.  “’KryBer’, man?”

Amber smacked the incoming object away and couldn’t help but laugh.  “Shut up,” she asserted.

“Oh yeah,” Eros said.  “What is with that?”

The latter rolled her eyes.  “A lot of fans like to pair idols up whether it’s with another band or someone within their own group.”  She chuckled.  “You know, like Girls’ Generation?  TaeNy and YulSic?”

“Tae..Ny and Yul..what?” Eros asked.

“Taeyeon and Tiffany.  Yuri and Jessica,” Erika stated.

“Ah,” came the monotone reply from the others besides the one idol in the room.  “Wait,” Nick paused.  “Girl on girl is common?”

Erika nodded.  “They’re actually more common amongst the boy groups.”

“Yeah,” Amber replied.  “Like JaeHo/YunJae—Jaejoong and Yunho from TVXQ.”

“But it’s usually not true, right?  Fans just do it to do it?” Michelle asked.

“Yeah,” Erika replied.  “Well, I mean, yes as in fans do it to do it, but we never know if it’s actually real or not.”

“And that’s where it gets tricky,” Amber added.  She gave out another one-of-many sighs of the night.  “The pairings and appearing with each other in front of the cameras for the fans is known to be great ‘fan service’ – but sometimes fans take it to another level and start to investigate into it so much that companies even notice and start to get suspicious.”

She rubbed her eyes.  “Now of course, companies don’t tell people to do this and stand next to her or him; they could honestly care less about the fan service—just as long people love someone within the group and it would be even better if people love the group entirely.”  Amber added a shrug.  “I guess the reason for that is a domino effect—if a fan loves or is into at least one person or even a pairing from a group—their name is known to the fan and to those around that fan; that’s all it takes.”

She reached for a bottle of water available on the coffee table.  She cracked it open and took a sip.  “Now what I’m about to say isn’t because I’m cocky or anything, but people could be easily won over by my pairing with Krystal all because of my image.  Fans have already started over speculating what ‘KryBer’ really is—whether it’s real or not.  All it takes is for one person to fall in love with me and Krystal’s ‘make believe relationship’ and they know f(x).  And even if that person didn’t like our music, all it takes—again—is for them to just love…us.”  Amber took another sip of water.  “A person could easily feel sorry for Krystal and I because we’re ‘real’ as a lot of fans like to put it; sorry for not being able to be open about ourselves, for not being able to come out to the world and say ‘Hey, this is what it is!’, know what I mean?”  She saw the group nod their heads; Erika already knew where she was coming from, understanding the K-Pop spectrum.

“A person who doesn’t love K-Pop in general could easily fall for the idea of ‘KryBer’ simply because they’re a gay-rights activist—‘I don’t understand why they need to be in hiding if they’re really together.  I don’t know who f(x) is, or who Krystal and Amber are, but if those two are together—they should be open about it.  Why not?’” Amber added.  She gave out another sigh.  “This is why it’s so hard; because when you overthink like I do—you whine up like me—sitting in front of you guys, expressing my misery for having feelings for someone that’s not only the same gender as I am, but who is also is in the same idol group as I am.”

Eros thought to himself for a minute.  He watched Amber and the rest of the group in silence, feeling the aura in the air—the sympathy everyone including him had for their idol friend.  And then his mind crossed the thought of Krystal—does she still like her? he asked himself.  He sighed silently to himself, reminding himself how their conversation went the night of the dance a few months ago.  Eros kind of figured that ‘KryBer’ was in fact Krystal and Amber, noticing videos circulate all over YouTube regarding the two.  He wasn’t too sure about the others, but he couldn’t lie at the fact that he would watch some of the videos fans made about the pairing; how the two would look at each other and how the two would mention each other here and there—even being caught stand next to one another.

“Well,” Jay began lightly, breaking the silence as well as Eros’ though process.  “At least you can admit now, you know?”

Amber chuckled, exhaustion evident in her breath.  “Yeah… I just wish that I was joking.”

9:38pm

Silvia stared back at her best friend, seeing the anxiety written all over her face.  She bit her bottom lip.  “Nothing, I just… well was wondering about you and Amber.”

Krystal felt herself tighten.  She swallowed.  “What about us?”

The latter shook her head.  “Nothing, I mean—‘KryBer’ is actually really popular.”

Krystal coughed as her breath hitched in her trachea.  “Yeah, I know,” she said.  She paused.  “I think it was just a phase,” finally stating.

Silvia blinked.  “What?  You liking Amber?”

The girl nodded, causing the latter to blink her eyes multiple times as her face dropped.  “Krystal…”

“She’s a tomboy,” Krystal reasoned.  “Of course, I’d be attracted to her… style.”

“I don’t think her style is what gets you going, if we’re being honest here,” Silvia replied dryly.

Krystal looked away and shook her head.  She lightly bit her lip.  “It’s not right,” she said apathetically.

“So?” Silvia asked.  “Who cares?”

The question caused Krystal to look at her best friend.  She could see the distraught on her best friend’s face.  “Who cares?” Krystal repeated.  “The whole world would care—my parents would care.  Jessica would care, people—”

“Oh, them,” Silvia bluntly spat out.  Krystal blinked, doing a double take on the statement.  She knew that Silvia only cursed when she was truly upset or angry about something.  She didn’t think the topic of her and Amber would bring her to that point.

“You’re one of my best friends, Krystal,” Silvia said.  She shook her head.  “It’s your heart; they’re your feelings and unfortunately, none of it is your choice.”

She saw the latter put her head down.  “I will never ever judge you or anyone else, you know that, Krys.”  She paused, hoping to make eye contact from the girl.  She got it.  “But I will judge you for missing an opportunity to fall in love with someone who’s already special to you.”

Krystal blinked and felt fall agape.  In love? Krystal thought to herself.  She felt her head spin.  It was starting to become a little too much for the girl in one night.  Krystal was supposed to take a break from being an idol for a second—to take a break from being Krystal Jung, the younger sister of beloved Girls’ Generation’s Jessica—to take a break from being the Krystal Jung all of her fans knew of who was the lead singer of f(x).  She held her head, feeling a headache come upon her.

“Listen,” she heard Silvia said.  “I’m sorry for being so blunt.”  She paused.  “I’m just giving my two cents as a best friend.  There’s nothing wrong with this—any of this.  Krystal, if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t even be talking to you about it.  But I know you.  I’ve seen the way you guys are—and I see the way you look at her all the time.  She’s not just another band member to you, nor is she just a best friend.  I just think—”

“Please,” Krystal interrupted, getting up abruptly.  She closed her eyes, the silence in Silvia’s house irrelevant as she could hear her ears ringing from the increasing pain of her head.  “Just stop,” she pleaded, shaking her head lightly.

And just like that, Krystal felt tears form up in her eyes.  Her heart was heavy, but she could still feel the pounding of it from the thought of her tomboy friend.  She silently sobbed to herself, feeling her knees weaken.  Krystal didn’t have the strength.  She dropped to the floor, her hands catching her head as she continued to cry—her sobs only getting louder.

Silvia immediately hugged her best friend.  “I really wish I didn’t,” she heard Krystal whimper in her chest.

“I know,” Silvia replied softly.  “But you can’t help it.  You can’t choose who you fall for.”