A fresh breeze seemed to be freezing cold, even though the evening was rather warm. Due to late night hour city roads were almost completely empty and there was just a few random people walking around. Both Jimin and Hoseok was feeling a bit awkward  as they were making their way back home after … “that” has happened in the practice room. The older one hid his hands in the pockets of his jacket, the younger boy’s had been hanging loosely along his hips, making small, shy moves towards Hoseok arms, finally slipping his own palm over his hyung’s elbow and moving closer to him.

“I forgot to bring the jacket….”  he mumbled quietly, making stupid excuses as always.  For him making a physical contact in public was a bit embarrassing, well, at least with Hoseok. It was funny though, because after what they had been doing in the practice room earlier he shouldn’t be blushing. Not from embarrassment about showing this little intimacy in the streets.  Hoseok just smiled with the corner of his lips in answer, not even looking at Jimin. Both of them have enjoyed their little making out session on the end of their practice, but now pangs of conscience hit them again. Just like after their first kiss. It was kind of crazy how they kept making the same mistakes, not being able to control and stop themselves from crossing the lines. It surely wasn’t easy, but it definitely was important, simply for the sake of their relationships. They knew that they were hurting Yoongi and Taehyung, and even this sad fact couldn’t stop them.

“What are you thinking about, hyung?” Jimin asked, trying to break the awkward silence, which started to become unbearable after a few minutes. He knew that the other boy was thinking about what they had been doing earlier and how wrong it was, but it wasn’t easy for Jimin either. He was younger, his thoughts were in even bigger mess than Hoseok’s. After his quarrel with Yoongi he felt like he had just taken his revenge, in the worst way possible, and he hadn’t even wanted to do so. Well, only going to bed with someone else than his boyfriend could be worse.

“Just about…everything.” Hoseok replied, looking at his younger friend and smiling slightly, almost apologetically. “I think it’s all my fault, Jimminie. I shouldn’t have been teasing you earlier, I’m so stupid, I’m making everything so difficult…” he ended  with a big sigh, turning his head away from Jimin to hide his frustration. He really thought it was all his fault. As the older one he took everything on his own shoulders, feeling responsible for the younger boy. He was 23 years old but acting like a teenager with his stupid decisions and not being able to make some serious steps.

“No, stop it, it’s also my fault.” Jimin added after few seconds, trying to catch Hoseok’s  gaze and make him smile with his own sunny grin. “You didn’t force me to do anything, I made my own decisions.” He suddenly stopped walking and turned his hyung around to face him and make sure he believed in everything he was saying. “I wanted to kiss you so I did it. I’m not a child anymore.” he added and, just as the confirmation of his words, he lied a small kiss on Hoseok’s lips and not moved his face even an inch away after that, making the older boy bear his fierce stare.

Hoseok felt like melting down, again, just like in the practice room earlier that day. They were doing it again, making themselves fall for each other even more.  It was so wrong, on so many levels, even though it felt so damn good. It’s the last chance to end it without hurting him much. It’ll be a lot harder later on.

“Jimin, we can’t.” Hoseok’s words have never been that bitter. He felt like an idiot, he had said it once before and it meant nothing really. At first the younger boy couldn’t believe his ears, but when his hyung’s stare remained reprimanding he leaned back from him. What? They couldn’t? Right, they were spending time only at work, but that’s a lot of time actually, and there was the chemistry between them, and all the problems seemed to disappeared them Hoseok was around and …

“You always say that. Every god damn time after we … “ Jimin answered in the same bitter tone as Hoseok did and started walking again, trying to make some distance between them. “Why we keep doing it again if it’s so wrong, hm? Maybe you can explain-“

“Did you forget about our boyfriends or what?” Hoseok quickly cut him off, grasping Jimin’s wrist and stopping him from running too far away. “What about Yoongi? What about my Taehyung?” he asked, and suddenly felt millions of needles stinging his heart to the sound of “my Taehyung” in his own mouth. When was the last time Hoseok called him that way?

“And what about me?” Jimin pulled his arm away and turned around to face his hyung again. He felt tears in his eyes, but crying was the last thing he wanted to do.  He wanted to prove how mature and responsible he was, and that meant no acting like a little baby. “What about you? Has it meant anything to you, at all? Hm? Or maybe it was just a game, hm? You wanted to have some fun and-“

There it went his mature behavior. But he did have the right, this situation has happened before and they were doing it all over again. It always ended like that -  trying to remain fair with themselves and to cover up the feeling of guilt after … cheating. Jimin tried to not think about him and Hoseok as cheaters, but it was the sad reality. Why they kept questioning themselves and trying to fool their hearts? Even if they had  boyfriends that didn’t mean they couldn’t fell in love with someone else, right?

“Are you really that big of the coward? What are you even afraid of, hmm? Telling your beloved boyfriend that you’re in love with me?” Jimin lost all his temper, and Hoseok trying to hold him in place and calm him down was only making it worse.

“Jimin, please, think about it for a moment. We’re being unfaithful, and we know each other for such a short period of time, it-“

“Shut up! Shut the up and let me go! Get your hands off me , now!” Jimin voice turned from his normal one to a hysterical scream in just a split of a second. His face was now flushed red and wet from tears that had started flowing uncontrollably and didn’t want to stop. “I was ready to break up with Yoongi, I was ing ready to do it when it’s the right time, but now I’m glad I haven’t done it yet, cause it could be the biggest mistake in my life. Maybe they were just kisses, but they meant something for me…”

Jimin’s voice turned to a whisper as he dropped his stare to his own feet, trying to avoid the eye contact. He didn’t care anymore.  He was tired. He felt like a fool. Leaving his Yoongi for this stupid coward, Hoseok. It could have really been the biggest mistake in his life.

Hoseok was speechless. Listening to Jimin saying all those things was so unrealistic. He wanted to end it up peacefully, like adults. It was hard for him, don’t get him wrong. He wasn’t a cold bastard who wanted to throw Jimin away from his life just because he was bored. But he did love his boyfriend, Taehyung was everything to him. He couldn’t just sacrifice this relationship for something as unsure and wobbly as him and Jimin after only few weeks of… how should he even call it? So he has waited for the younger boy to finish before opening his mouth, even though it was really hard after all he had heard from his companion.

“Do you really want to give up on your long-term, stable relationship with Yoongi just to be with me? You can’t just-“

“I don’t want it now, I won’t do it.” Jimin suddenly cut him off, wiping tears off his cheeks and calming himself down a little bit. “I don’t want to talk to you, for some time at least. I’ll be at work punctually.”

It happened so quickly that Hoseok couldn’t believe that in a matter of just few seconds Jimin was way ahead of him, walking home alone, leaving the older boy speechless and weak on the sidewalk.

What did it all meant? Was it over? If so, what exactly had ended? How could he let Jimin go away like that? Why he didn’t say anything to stop him? Maybe he was truly a coward.

​_____________________________________________

Hoseok was a mess when he finally reached his flat. It had been surely the longest and the hardest walk in his life. He felt like a fool after the whole situation, and flavor of Jimin’s lips still fresh on his own wasn’t helping at all. What will happen the next day? How are they going to behave? Pretending that nothing had happened wasn’t the best idea, it had let them down the last time they did so. And they ended up crossing the lines all over again. They need something more rigorous now, something that will keep them away from each other despite being together everyday at work.

Ohh, Hoseok was truly a fool. There was nothing in the world that could keep him away from Jimin when he was so close to him, panting hard after hours of practicing, his whole body wet from sweat and …. this surely had to end because of Taehyung.

Right. Taehyung. Hoseok couldn’t help smiling when thinking about his boyfriend. After all these years being together, solving problems and surviving the hardest times he couldn’t imagine being with someone else. Jimin was important for him, but Hoseok thought that it only worked on physical level. Looking at him, touching and kissing him was like a trip to heaven, or rather hell. But their last quarrel meant no more this kind of things.

And maybe it’ll be better this way.

When he entered his and Taehyung’s flat only darkness welcomed him. All the lights were off, even the small lamp in the hallway, which was always on, was now plugged out, it’s wire lying on the floor. Hoseok first thought was that the electricity went off, but he could clearly hear neighbor’s television through the walls. After a moment of hesitation he entered the living room, using his phone as a flashlight to actually not kill himself tripping over something in the dark. Then he noticed a small figure lying on the couch, all wrapped up in blankets with it’s head hidden under the pillow. Hoseok already knew what’s up, so he tried his best to now make much sound while making his way to the sofa. He lifted the cushion just a little bit, turning the light from his phone before, and he was immediately welcomed by the pair of sad, scared eyes, visibly wet from tears.

“Migraine again?” Hoseok asked, actually not making any sound, just moving his lips, looking at Taehyung with a worry. His boyfriend used to have migraines very often in the past, but they had stopped appearing a while ago, so Hoseok thought they’ll never come back again. But there he was, looking at his suffering boyfriend and knowing that he can’t help him. What worse could have happened that evening?

Taehyung only nodded in response, telling everything with his eyes. It had started after the lunch when he was watching the news on tv. In the beginning it seemed to be just a regular headache, but when painkillers hadn’t helped, after a few hours, Taehyung thought he would actually die. The pain was unbearable, every moment of slight relief seemed  too short.  But even turning off all the lights hadn’t helped him, and sounds from the streets had been only making it worse.

“It’s alright, baby, come here….” Hoseok actually whispered this time, slipping under the blankets Taehyung was wrapped up with and pulling him as close as possible. He threw now unnecessary pillow away, allowing Taehyung’s head to lie on his chest. Hoseok almost unconsciously started to pet younger’s hair in a soothing way, because as he had remembered, it actually helped Taehyung to bear the pain better.

Hoseok had to control himself really good to actually not start singing a lullaby, like every time when Taehyung had problems with falling asleep. But now they had to just wait for pain to go away by itself, even though it seemed to be the most brutal way possible. He didn’t want to watch his boyfriend suffer, but he also knew he couldn’t help him.

Tirururururururururururu~

Jimin look at the phone with a true disgust in his eyes, not even bothering with picking it up. He wasn’t even curious who was calling him that late. Maybe it was Hoseok. Maybe it was Yoongi. Well, it didn’t matter. He wasn’t interested in talking with anyone. He just wanted to be left alone, for this one night.

Tirururururururururururu~

Jimin was sitting on the windowsill in his own apartment’s living room, watching the streets through the thick glass. His thoughts were in one big mess, he couldn’t think about the right solution of this love… quadrangle? He knew that his argument with Hoseok from earlier was very childish and unnecessary, but his pride was stopping him from actually calling his hyung and apologizing.

Tirururururururururururu~

Boy look at the phone once again, and after a few seconds of hesitation he stood up and took it from the table, then peeked at the screen.

It was Yoongi.

Jimin picked up the call, but didn’t say a word listening carefully to what his boyfriend had to say. The incident with Hoseok almost made him forget about his quarrel with Yoongi the other day. Jimin felt tears in his eyes when after a couple of seconds of silence he finally heard his boyfriend’s voice. He really missed his voice.

“Jimminie?” Yoongi asked carefully. “Are you there?”

“Yes.” Jimin smiled with a corner of his mouth, sitting back on the windowsill, trying to sound as confident as possible. He didn’t want Yoongi to hear than he was sad or anything. The older boy was surprisingly good at sensing things like that, even through the phone.

“Oh, that’s good.” Jimin heard in response, but said nothing after that. It was Yoongi who was calling, so it should be him talking. “Jimin, can we talk? I know that you’re angry at me, but please, liste-“

“I’m listening.” younger boy cut him off, just to make Yoongi more insecure. He loved it when his boyfriend started stuttering in situations like this, but that night it was different. It seemed like Yoongi had prepared himself well for this talk. And this simple fact left Jimin speechless.

“Jimin, I’m sorry. I really am, and I’m not saying it just to make you come back or make myself feel better and less guilty. I know it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have treat you like that.” Jimin had to try his best to not start whimpering in response, so he had to actually cover his mouth to stay quiet and let Yoongi finish. “ But I want to fix everything. I called my parents tod-“

“You did?” escaped Jimin’s mouth without him even realizing that. There it went his mature and confident behavior, once more. But the feeling that everything will be alright again was so overwhelming that he couldn’t stop himself.

“Yeas, I did.” Yoongi’s voice had change immediately after he heard Jimin’s response. It was nice knowing that the other side was actually listening. “They want me to come over next weekend. I told him I’ll come with you.”

Jimin’s hands started to tremble.

“Jimin, I have been thinking about it all, and now I know that losing you would mean losing everything I have. You are my everything, Jimin, I can’t let you go just because I’m scared of responsibilities and making things official. I know I’m acting stupid sometimes, but you know me, you know my feelings are real and that I want everything the best for y-“ Yoongi suddenly stopped in the middle of a sentence, and then asked with a louder, more worried voice “Jimin, is everything alright? Why are you crying, did something happened? Are you hu-“

Jimin wasn’t listening anymore, dropping the phone from his ear and bursting into tears. He hated himself so much. How could he even think about leaving Yoongi for Hoseok, for anyone? He was so ungrateful, so stupid and childish. He wanted to destroy everything because of one stupid argument and even stupider situation in the practice room. These physical pleasures couldn’t replace the time spent with Yoongi, Hoseok’s kisses were nothing compared to Yoongi’s ones, his hands were too big and eyes too dark, voice too annoying and laugh way too contagious. He was no one, he was just a person, and Yoongi was Yoongi, he was Jimin’s boyfriend, his one and on-

“Jimin, what the is happening?!”

“Can you come over?” Younger boy wiped his tears from cheeks and didn’t even try to hide his hoarse from crying voice. All he wanted to do now was to see Yoongi’s face, get lost in his warm arms, wrap up in his sweet scent and fall asleep listening to him breathing.

“Now?” Yoongi seemed to be a little surprised, but when he heard a silent yes in response, he just added a quick “I’m on my way” before hanging up. 

Jimin hadn’t heard that though as he already threw his phone back on the table and went back to watching the streets through the window.

But now was waiting for his Yoongi to come.

“I’m taking the next weekend off. I’ve already talked with the boss, academy will be closed then, you’re getting a free weekend too.”

No hello, no good morning. Jimin entered the practice room and didn’t even look at Hoseok who was already there. He clearly didn’t want to talk with him about yesterday argument. About nothing at all. So he had informed his hyung about the boss’s decision and said nothing more, beginning his warm up.

“Oh, ok.” Hoseok replied with weak voice, following Jimin’s moves. He was still sitting on the floor, thinking about what he should do. His younger companion visibly didn’t feel like talking, but they shouldn’t be leaving their problems unsolved.

Hoseok stood up and started warming up as well. He decided to wait until Jimin was ready to talk, he didn’t want to push him or force to do anything.

First two hours passed without the two boys saying a word to each other.  It was hard to lead the lesson like that, but they were both way to stubborn to break the silence. And it was Jimin who didn’t hold out staying quiet during their short break between classes.

“Hoseok.”His call met no response, as his hyung was too busy writing messages on his phone. He was clearly ignoring him, and even though he felt awfull with that, he was now scared of the talk they had to have.

“Hoseok, look at me.”

And he did so.

The feeling of guilt he found in Jimin’s eyes made him speechless.

To be continued …