Chapter 4

            Two days had gone by since the Pho Eva incident.  Within those two days, the Dal Shabet members completed their group and individual schedules with no problems.  They were even able to hold a fan meeting for one hundred lucky fans in Busan.  The only time things seemed out of place was on those chilly nights at the dorm when the living room was booming with conversation and laughter.  Serri would eat dinner with everyone and spend a few minutes with them.  But she always went to bed early, no matter if anyone begged her to stay up a little longer and talk.

            Jiyul had attempted to casually bring up love and dating when she was alone with Serri, hoping she would open up about how she was feeling.  But Serri always found a way to strategically redirect any conversation to a less personal topic.  She never seemed sad; she only pretended Yoohwan never existed.

            On this early Saturday morning, Serri waited by the front door of the dorm, swinging her purse back and forth in her hands.  She took out her phone and began browsing through Instagram, giving a smirk for every few pictures she saw.  She eventually peeked down the hall and called Subin’s name.

            “Subini, are you almost ready?  Is there something wrong?”

            “No, unnie,” Subin smiled, rushing out of her room.  She put her arm through Serri’s and led her out of the dorm.  “Let’s go.”

            The two girls entered a company van outside and sat in silence as it began moving.  Subin squirmed restlessly in her seat as Serri continued to look at her phone.  As the minutes passed, Subin thought of multiple ways to make Serri open up, but she found herself too nervous to say anything.  She gave a long sigh and leaned back in her seat.

            “Subin-ah,” Serri called gently, tapping Subin on the leg and giving a concerned frown.  “Are you okay?  Does anything hurt?”

            “I’m fine.”  Subin looked at Serri out of the corner of her eyes and squinted.  “But…unnie…are you okay?”

            “Of course I am, Subin-ah,” Serri laughed, quickly looking back down at her phone.  “I wasn’t the one in a car accident.”

            Serri always made it a priority to accompany Subin to her physical therapy sessions.  To Subin’s dismay, Serri always showed slight guilt for her car accident, as if she could have done something to prevent it.  She took responsibility for every bad thing that happened within the group, even more so than Viki.  Jiyul never liked Serri’s harsh criticism of herself, and she suggested that, since Viki’s departure, Serri was quick to overcompensate for her loss of leadership.  Even when Serri was upset or depressed, she always wore a smile to keep the group’s spirits up.  She wore an armor not too many could crack.

            Subin remained silent for the rest of the car ride to make Serri happy.  But Subin was rarely silent, and Serri began to show obvious discomfort.

            “Subin-ah, did you take your medication today?”

            “Yep.”

            “…And you’re feeling alright?”

            “Yep.”

            “Well…how was your filming yesterday?”

            “Fine.”

            “Just fine?”

            “Yep.”

            Serri knew she couldn’t continue without Subin finally mentioning Yoohwan, so she stopped talking.  It hurt her heart to know Subin was upset with her, but what could she do about it?  How much of her own weakness and thoughtlessness had she shown her members already?  She couldn’t possibly expose anymore.

            “Subin-ah…why do we have to bring up Yoo…him?” Serri begged with a broken smile.  “Why can’t we talk about regular things as if these past few weeks didn’t happen?”

            “Unnie, you can’t even say his name,” Subin sighed, rolling here eyes.  “These past few weeks did happen.  These past few months happened as well.  And you’re obviously still affected by them.  If you ignore it all, you’ll never find peace.”

            “Ah, my Subini is so wise,” Serri laughed nervously.

            “I’m serious, unnie,” Subin told with anxious eyes.  “What’s worse is you won’t talk to any of us about it.”

            “Well…it is a personal problem, Subin.”

            “It’s not personal when we have to hear you crying every night.”  Subin looked out the window and rubbed her tired eyes.  “Didn’t you notice that Woohee has been sleeping in the living room for the past two nights?  You’ve been talking and crying in your sleep, unnie.”

            Serri felt overwhelmed by embarrassment as she shifted awkwardly in her chair.  “Really?  I didn’t know…I’m sorry.  I’ll sleep in the living room from now own so she can sleep in her bed.”

            “No, unnie, that’s not the point,” Subin insisted adamantly.  Her tone was filled with frustration and gloom.  “We wouldn’t mind if we had to sleep out on the streets for you, unnie.  What bothers us is how much you’re hurting.  You won’t let us help you.  That makes us feel really powerless…and sad.”

            “I…I’m so sorry, Subin-ah.”

            The van pulled to a stop in front of the doctor’s office, and Subin quickly jumped out.  Before Serri could follow her, she suddenly turned to her and gave a reluctant grin.

            “Unnie…I can go alone today.  We have a lot of time before our performance tonight.  Why don’t you find someone who you can open up to?”

            Serri stared at her in confusion.  “What?  Subin-ah, you don’t want me to go with you?”

            “I just…I want you to be happy.” 

Subin closed the van door and rushed into the building.  Serri felt the cold armor she had put up slowly melt away, and she wanted to cry again.  Even her own members wouldn’t let her hide within their routines to escape her heartbreak.  Panic began to fill her mind, and she grimaced at the thought of talking about Yoohwan.

            “Um…Serri-yah.”  The manager looked back at her from the driver’s seat.  “Should I take you back to the dorms?”

            “I…I guess.”

*          *          *

            Just outside the Jellyfish dorms, a lonely Serri in a dark sweatshirt and comfy jeans shivered in the wind.  When she returned to her own dorm after Subin sent her away, she found herself wandering the streets to this nearby building.  Hakyeon, the man she had humiliated herself in front of several times already was just inside, and that both terrified and calmed her.  As she recalled the past few weeks, she felt more and more embarrassed by her mental breakdowns, and she felt compelled to leave and go back to her dorm.  But none of her members were home at the moment.  And if they were, would they even want her with them?

            As she felt tears well up in her eyes, Serri forced a chuckle and wiped them away.  But a sense of worthlessness engulfed her, and her smile quickly faded to a frown. 

            Suddenly, she heard the door of the dorm open, and Taekwoon began to walk down to the metal gate in a dark tracksuit.  When he saw Serri, he waved and opened the gate.

            “Hi, Serri,” he greeted politely.  “What brings you here?”

            Utterly flustered, Serri looked up and down the street, attempting to formulate the perfect lie to tell.  “Oh, I…um…”

            “Are you looking for Hakyeon?” he asked.  “I’ll get him.  Wait right here.”

            “Taekwoon-ah!  Wait!”

            Serri’s mind filled with dread as she watched Taekwoon rush back into the dorm.  She contemplated running away right then and there, escaping the most awkward situation she would have with Hakyeon so far.  He would think she was absolutely crazy.  He might already assume she’s an alcoholic lunatic who can’t control her emotions.

            Just as she turned to leave, Taekwoon ran down to the gate again.  “Serri-ssi, he’s on his way.  I’m going for a run.  See you later.”

            “Ah, thank you, Taekwoon-ah,” she sighed.  At that moment, she realized she had no makeup on.  Her attire was purely meant for her members’ eyes only.  If she was lucky, Hakyeon would mistaken her for a hobo and let her leave in peace.

            Serri noticed Hakyeon’s head peek out of the dorm, and he gave a tired grin.  He shook his messy hair and stepped out onto the short driveway.  Straightening out his baggy sweatshirt, he yawned all the way to the metal gate.  When he finally reached Serri, he looked carefully into her shy eyes.

            “Are you okay, Serri-yah?” he questioned, his gaze becoming more and more concentrated. 

            “I…Yeah, I’m fine,” she insisted quietly.  “I think…my members just kicked me out of the dorm for a while.”

            “It’s eight in the morning,” Hakyeon laughed in amazement.  “How did you manage to irritate them so early?”

            “I guess I’ve been…different since Wednesday,” Serri admitted reluctantly.  “They’re upset that I won’t talk to them about…him.”

            “Ah, I see,” he whispered gently, compassion filling his sleepy eyes.  “So…you want to stay in our dorm?  Is that why you’re here?”

            “Oh, no!” she exclaimed fretfully, avoiding his eyes.  “I just…I don’t know…”

            “I’m just kidding,” he snickered, putting his hands in his pockets.  “I mean, if it was a real emergency, we could definitely help you out.  But…is there anything else I could do for you?”

            “Well…I’m sorry, oppa,” she sighed.  “I don’t like to talk to my members about it, especially now.  I feel like such a fool, and…I don’t want them to think that way about me.  I’m their leader, I need to be strong.”

            “You don’t always have to be strong, Serri-yah.”

            “Maybe that’s true, but I can’t fail them.”  Her whole body shivered, and she knew it wasn’t from the cold.  She desperately tried to hold in her tears as she spoke.  “Something led me here…I just feel safe when I’m with you, oppa.  Maybe it’s because you’ve already seen me at my worst.”

            “Well, if that’s the case, let’s chat.”  He smiled warmly and pointed down the street.  “There’s a park down the block.  Shall we walk there?”

            She looked at his exhausted face and wished she had never bothered him.  But she nodded timidly and began to follow him down the street.  As they walked, she remained silent, trying to get her thoughts in order.  What would they talk about?  What could keep her from bursting into tears again?

            When they reached the park, Hakyeon led them to a bench on the edge of the playground.  Only a few early-risers who cared to exercise were spotted around the park, yet Hakyeon looked at that empty playground and smiled.

            “I really love kids,” he said merrily, finally looking down at the ground.  “They remind me of when we never had to deal with things like this.  I can’t even remember how that feels.”

            “Me neither,” she breathed, wrapping her arms around herself.

            “How did you meet that creep, Serri-yah?” he asked suddenly, the grin fading from his face.

            “Yoohwan…”  As she said his name, her body became rigid with anger and distress.  “He’s a popular DJ in Seoul.  He worked at a few of our smaller shows in the area.  When we first met, he was very sweet.  He acted like I was the only girl he knew.  And I felt like he was the only guy I knew.  I never had time to know anyone else.  But he did.”

            “How long were you with him?”

            “Five months.”  She took a deep breath and leaned back onto the bench.  “It took me five months to realize that I was only one of his ‘pretty toys’.”

            Hakyeon grimaced at Yoohwan’s quoted words.  “You heard that, huh?”

            “I didn’t need to hear it; I lived it,” she informed, looking into the gloomy, grey sky.  “But to hear it straight from his mouth…It hurt a lot.”

            “I bet.”  Hakyeon shook his head in frustration.  “It wasn’t right for him to say those things or treat you the way he did.”

            “It took me five months,” she repeated hopelessly.  “For five months I thought he actually loved me.  How could anyone be fooled for so long?  I must be really dull.”

            “He wants you to think that way,” Hakyeon told urgently.  “Don’t be a victim for another five months.”

            “Could that really happen?”  Serri cringed at the thought of being Yoohwan’s victim for so long.  “I think…I think it really could.”

            “You can’t think like that.”

            “I let him cheat on me for five months.  What can I possibly do to keep him from haunting me for the rest of my life?”

            “For some odd reason, you think you’re weaker than you are,” he informed with a frown.  “I don’t understand that.  I’ve only known you for a few weeks, really, and I think you’re an incredibly strong person and leader.  You were fooled, sure, but that’s not your fault.”

            “It’s so hard to see it that way,” she confessed shyly.  “I mean…I’m really not that strong, Hakyeon.”

            “Sure you are,” he smiled brightly.  “And I’ll keep telling you that for as long as you need me to.”

            “Really?” she questioned suspiciously.  “You’re really willing to talk with me?”

            “Of course!” he exclaimed.  “You’re like my partner in crime, Serri-yah.  I can’t let you feel down.”

            “Partner in crime?”  Serri smirked at the thought of Taekwoon’s flustered reaction to Gaeun.  “I suppose we do create good mischief together.”

            “And as long as our members are mingling the way they are, we ought to be in constant communication,” he suggested in a low, sober tone. 

            “Mingling?  What other mingling is going on?”

            “Well, I know Hongbin-ah and Jiyul-ssi have been kissing all morning.”

            “What?”  Serri turned to Hakyeon and grabbed his arm.  “What are you talking about?”

            “They began filming at midnight last night, right?” he explained, a playful grin on his face.  “All I know is there was a kissing scene they had to shoot.  It’s been eight hours and Hongbin hasn’t returned.  Has Jiyul come home yet?”

            “Aish, that’s not funny, oppa,” Serri giggled, slapping him on his shoulder.  “They’re both professionals.”

            “I’m just keeping you informed,” he smirked.  “And then…there’s Gaeun-ssi.”

            “Ah, yeah, I don’t know if she really liked Taekwoon-”

            “No, there she is.”

            Hakyeon pointed to a bench a few dozen feet away.  Gaeun, in her running outfit, sat down with a warm cup of coffee as she casually observed the park around her.  Serri gazed at her curiously before leaping up from the bench.

            “She must have decided to jog here,” Serri insisted, beginning to walk over to Gaeun.  Hakyeon quickly followed her, and they swiftly reached Gaeun.

            As soon as she saw Serri and Hakyeon, Gaeun’s eyes filled with worry.  She jumped up from her bench and bowed stiffly.

            “Ah, Hakyeon-ssi, it’s nice to see you again,” she smiled nervously.  “Unnie, what are you doing here?”

            “We were just chatting,” Serri explained, focusing her gaze upon Gaeun’s flustered face.  “What about you?”

            “I just finished my run,” she told promptly, taking a sip of her coffee.  She looked around her and fixed her eyes on the trashcan next to her bench.  Without another word, she threw her coffee cup into the can, causing a loud splashing sound.

            “Gaeun-ah, it sounded like that cup was nearly full,” Serri scolded.  “You shouldn’t waste coffee like that.”

            “I’m sorry, unnie,” Gaeun sighed, looking down at the ground.  She suddenly stepped closer to Serri and took her arm.  “Are you ready to go back, unnie?  I’ll walk with you.”

            “I guess so.”  Serri smiled and pulled Gaeun closer to her.  “Gaeun-ah, you actually want to spend time with unnie?  Even though I’ve been depressing?”

            “Sure, unnie,” Gaeun assured, giving a tender smile.  “Just don’t be depressing for too long.  We want you to be happy.”

            “I love my members,” Serri grinned.  “Oppa, I’ll see you later, okay?  You won’t mind if I ask to meet again some time soon?”

            “Of course not,” he replied warmly.  “Just promise me you won’t be his victim.”

            “Okay.  And, oppa…I want to thank you for sticking up for me on Wednesday.  You really didn’t need to do that.  Everything he said was true.”

            “Ya, you’re being a victim again,” he reprimanded sternly.  “Cut it out.  I pushed that guy around because he deserved it.”

            “Sorry,” she replied timidly.  Before Gaeun could drag Serri away, Hakyeon gave a friendly smile, and all her anxiety left her. 

            Once Serri and Gaeun were out of sight, Hakyeon reluctantly reached down into the trash can and pulled out Gaeun’s coffee cup.  It was covered in warm, aromatic liquid, but his curiosity overwhelmed his desire for cleanliness.  A devilish smirk appeared on his lips as he read the name on the cup.

            Taekwoon.