I look out the window, watching as the world passes me by, getting closer to our destination by the mile. My parents always wondered how I could be so happy all the time, how I was so care free when it came to life. I had trained myself to be like this, it wasn't just how I "was". Growing up my view of life has changed a lot. I made It my mission to always smile, when when I'm struggling, because it makes me stronger. But even I, a person who likes to communicate with others and likes to make them laugh has secrets. Secrets my parents or even my friends would never have expected.

 

I have a history of self harm. Yes, me Hoseok, who everyone sees as the most happy person at my school. I self harm. I do it because of stress, hurtful comments others have said to me, and cutting and starvation have become feelings of comfort. I've learned to like the feeling of my gravely cuts, and the way my stomach growls, empty and demanding to be fed but denied the food. To me, empty is good, empty is strong. Being empty is healthy.

 

"Hoseok..." My mom says from next to me. I don't reply, instead turn up the radio. I don't want to talk to her about my problems, because she doesn't think anything in my life is wrong. It may seem like a rude thing, Turing up the radio when she's talking. I'll probably apologize to her later for it. 

 

She sighs heavily, rolling down her window to let the fresh air fill the car. I know that she likes cold air when she's upset. It helps her think. After a few more minutes we arrive at the offices parking lot and park in our usual spot by the door. I get out of the car quickly, being able to unbuckle my seat belt fast and walk to the entrance, leaving my mom scrambling behind me to keep up.

 

"Love you." I say to her over my shoulder with a sigh and walk faster down the hall, mom huffing and jogging to keep up with me.

 

I've walked this route many times, down the hall, to the left, ride the elevator up to the fifth floor where the waiting room is. Long grey couches and individual chairs are placed for the clients to relax on while waiting to go back for their appointments.

 

I sit on the grey couch, a few other people sitting in the same room as me, the lady behind the counter tapping away at her keyboard. The room is plain, black white and grey with no color besides the outfits the people are wearing. The floor is a black and white pattern, checkerboard style and the couched are a mix of black and grey fuzz.

 

A little girl sits in the corner with her mom, pink tank top and blue jeans. She's always here, has the same schedule as me on which days she comes but doesn't see the same therapist.

 

My mom sits next to me, tapping her foot and looking anxiously at the clock on the wall. The room is silent besides the soft audible tap of my mom's heel on the carpet underneath us.

 

"Mom why are you so nervous looking? "I whisper, giving her a sideways glance. She shakes her head, her foot tapping becoming more frequent. 

 

"Your father." She says wearily, shaking her head with more force.

 

"What about him?" I ask. My dad is on a business trip in America right now, along with a few other workers from his company.

 

"Well, he slipped carrying a few heavy boxes downstairs to his desk. He broke his leg. He's in a room right now, and the doctors going to check up on him later tonight but his flight home is going to be postponed." She says, fear in her eyes. I can't help but feel bad for her.

 

"Mom it'll-" I start to reassure her but get cut off when the door opens and my therapist steps out, smiling at my mother and waving me over. I jump up quickly and walk to where he is, slipping into the open door which leads to another hallway filled with separate rooms, not looking at him or speaking until we reach his office.

 

"In such a hurry to get out of that waiting room huh? " my therapist, Kim Taehyung, but I just call him Taehyung, and sometimes when I can get away with just calling him Tae, says.

 

I set my backpack on the floor and plop down on the couch across from the chair he's sitting in with a brief nod.

 

"You know how much I hate that boring, plain waiting room" I say.

 

Entering his office is like entering a new world full of color. His carpet is green, along with the lap shade on the lamp on his dark chest nut colored desk. The walls paint is a greenish color, gold specks sticking out in random places, adding a pop to its color.

 

I'm sitting on a turquoise couch, a glass table in between us. I lean back on the couch cushions and put my feet up on the table, bottoms of my shoes touching the bottom of his navy blue converse, which are also propped up on the table.

 

He doesn't get mad at me for putting my feet up on the glass table, simply because he's doing it too and is a man who believes in equality.

 

"So how's life?" He asks, reaching into the bag under his chair and grabbing out a blueberry muffin, handing it to me. I hesitate, before taking it from him gently and setting it off to the side.

 

"Ah come on Hoseok. You need to eat. If you don't eat at home at least eat this once." He says, motioning to the muffin.

 

"Nope sorry." I say and he sighs with a nod, running a hand through his orange poofy hair.

 

"Did you do your homework?" He asks and I nod. He gave me and assignment a few days ago. He thinks that reading poetry would help calm me instead of cutting. Yeah right. I pull out my paper from a folder in my bag and try to hand it to him, but he shakes his head.

 

"Read it to me." He says, leaning back in his chair with his arms resting behind his head.

 

"Why?" I ask, annoyed.

 

"Because...." he says, thinking of a reason And I smirk at him.

 

"Can't you read?" I say, and He crosses his arms. 

 

"Of course I can, can't you read out loud to me?" He encounters.

 

"Why do you want me to?" I ask, smirk still on my face. That's one thing I like about Taehyung. We can challenge each other all the time, and its not a matter of age that wins the argument because he likes equality. So we're on the same level, same playing field.

 

"I like your voice Hoseok. Now read it." He says with a content sigh, giving up.

 

I smile at him and nod before opening my mouth to speak.

 

" The end:

 

 

 

The deadly gray marks on my arm, in the light they shine like skin peeled away.

 

But really what caused it was glass, a broken sliver from a mirror...changed my life forever.

 

My skin puffed up around the sinful marks like my face does when I cry myself to asleep at night.

 

It hurts. At the time it didn't, the days after it stung, but at least I felt something.

 

It's not physical pain anymore...it's mental. My scars remind me of how broken I was, my mind tells me the the struggles I felt.

 

I'll always have those on my arm...those dead marks that are filled with pain and sorrow, filled with darkness.

 

My demons have found a home in those scars, always there to remind me that they'll never leave.

 

I try to forget, try to cover them with a sleeve,but everytime I look down they're all I see.

 

I wish I had stayed strong in my time of pain, wish I could say that I ignored the urge and read a book or watched a movie.

 

But I didn't. I fell into the darkness, trapped in my thoughts. I was broken, lost, just wanted to give up and die.

 

All I am is worthless,a failure,a disgrace. I try so hard to live without the negatives,but it's not easy.

 

I've gone through so much the past few years, way more then I could bare. At the time it was easier to give up.

 

Now I try to fight it, because I have people who love me, and I don't want to leave them. The urge can be so strong at times..

 

I try to drown it out with music, drown it out with friends, but I know if I ever turn to the knife again, it'll be the end." I say, taking a breath after I've finished. 

 

He makes a face for a split second. He didn't like the ending I bet, I think to myself, mentally agreeing with myself.

 

"Very good." He says with a smile, and I feel my cheeks getting hot. The lamps dim light makes his skin glow a perfect golden tan, and his teeth look whiter in the lighting, orange hair lit up more then usual.

 

I tell him about what happened with my dad, about how my mom's worried about him, and before we know it It's time to head back to the waiting room. He leads me to the door we entered to go to his office, the waiting room on the other side. 

 

I reach out to grab the door handle, but he grabs my hand instead.

 

"That poem was really good Hoseok. Really good. I'm just worried about you..." he whispers.

 

"Why are you worried?" I whisper back. We have to be quiet or the people on the other side of the door, my mom included, would hear us.

 

"Your weight loss and cutting. It worries me. Hoseok you need to eat, please you need to. Your still growing your body needs the calories. And I don't want you to cut anytime until I see you next. I don't want to see any more marks on your beautiful skin" He says, hand on my caressing cheek. 

 

"I won't..." I whisper back, leaning into his touch.

 

"Promise?" He asks, and I didn't notice how close we were.

 

"You know I can't promise that.." I whisper, looking him in the eyes.

 

"Please Hoseok. Promise me." He says quietly. 

 

It takes everything I have to answer, to not just stay silent and shake my head no. Instead I look him in the eyes, take a deep breath and respond.

 

"I promise." 

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Hey guys!!! I just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone who likes this so far and I love when people comment. It makes my day. I'm so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I really am. I'll continue to work hard, so I hope you all will show me your support and love by leaving sweet comments or upvoting and subscribing.

Thanks so much!!! :D oh and feel free to message me anytime. I don't mind. Go read my other stories and comment on them too, it would make me so happy. I just recently like, yesterday finished Your Secrets Safe with Me, So please go read that and let me know what you think in the comments.

P.S The poem I wrote myself. Hope you all like it!!