Title: Love Lost, Love Found

Pairing: Hyoyeon and Youngbae

Prompt: “One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love.”

Word Count: 3598

                Sitting across the table from him with her fingers threaded together under her chin, the only thing Hyoyeon could think was that he was perfect.  She couldn’t help the bright smile that pulled her lips up and revealed the white teeth beneath, giggling as he spoke.  Her wavy, honey colored hair fell around her shoulders in decorative strands and he reached across the table to brush a stray one away from her cheek, sending a flush across her cheekbones.

                “You have such a pretty smile,” Youngbae grinned back, dark eyes nearly disappearing in the expression.

                “So do you,” Hyoyeon giggled, ducking her head in embarrassment when he laughed softly at the word choice.  “Sorry,” she amended, waving one hand in apology.  “Handsome smile.”

                “I only have what God gave me,” he shrugged, running a hand over his smoothed down, silver hair.

                She’d found it striking when they had first met, drawing her eye in a way that she couldn’t ignore.  It had kept her attention too when they kept running into each other after she’d moved to the area.  A chance encounter at the supermarket; nearly colliding as she went to a favorite coffee shop; catching a fleeting glimpse of the silver color in the gym they apparently frequented…  Hyoyeon hadn’t thought anything of it at the time, but he claimed she had caught his eye too.

                One thing led to another and he had bravely worked up the courage to ask her out for coffee.  For a first date, it wasn’t much, but they’d talked for hours.  Only one in depth conversation told Hyoyeon she was falling hard.  And when he didn’t call back immediately, she took the initiative.  The fool thought she couldn’t be that interested in him and hadn’t tried again.

                “So you’re perfect without even trying,” she teased with one brow raised, studying his fine, jaw structure just above the beautifully fitted, button-up shirt he was wearing.  Maybe he had qualms about his height, but to her, everything about him was just right.  The shirt laying against his defined chest revealed just enough musculature for her to appreciate and though the rest of him was hidden behind the reserved table he’d called in for them, the rest of him was just as nice to think about.

                “Hardly,” he scoffed in amusement, reaching across the table to take her small hand in his gently, caressing her fingers with his touch.  “If anyone’s perfect here, it’s you,” he winked, picking up the fluted glass next to his empty plate so he could toast her with the champagne.

                “Charmer,” Hyoyeon grinned, threading her hair behind her ear before she hurried to match him, raising her dainty glass up and clinking it carefully, meeting his loving eyes the entire time.

                “To us,” Youngbae murmured in a breathy whisper, taking a tiny sip while amusement and warmth danced in his visage.  Hyoyeon followed suit, eyes crinkling at the words while butterflies flittered in her stomach.

                Despite the distraction, her hunger was still present and Hyoyeon looked around curiously, wondering where the food they’d ordered was at.  Considering it was a nicer restaurant than she had ever been in before, she figured good food took a good long while, but she was hungry…  In an effort to pretend she wasn’t, she fidgeted with her emerald colored dress and looked back at her date for the evening.  “This is all lovely, Youngbae.  And I really appreciate it, but we could have saved a lot more money going somewhere cheaper,” she reminded him, shaking her index finger his direction playfully.

                “True,” he agreed without missing a beat, ears perking up as the music in the room changed.  “But other restaurants don’t have the music I was looking for tonight,” Youngbae replied, standing up with an intense look down at her.

                “Oh,” Hyoyeon breathed, looking around in surprise when other couples were rising from their tables to head for the dance floor, gowns shimmering in the overhead lighting while the suits and tuxedos played formal counterpoints to the extravagance.

                “Care to dance?” he asked, the words clearly more of a formality if the gentle tug on her hand was any indication.

                “S-sure,” Hyoyeon flushed, smoothing her dress down reflexively as she allowed herself to be pulled along.  Her head swiveled around, taking in the sights of so much finery, feeling sorely out of place.  She didn’t belong in such an establishment.  But when Youngbae pulled her against him and looked down into her eyes with all the love and trust she could imagine, all her doubts just fell away.

                Her hands fit in his perfectly and their bodies aligned as if meant for each other.  His smile made her forget anyone else was there, and when they moved, they floated over the floor.  With the ease of practice and over a year of getting to know each other, Hyoyeon and Youngbae glided around the dancers, stepping and turning and twirling majestically.  Her dress flared at her hips, wavy hair rose and fell, and all the while she was acutely aware of every touch of his hands on her.

                They guided her steps, helping to hold her frame steady, and held her close when they spun.  Contact was relinquished with one to let her go free, shining on her own, until he pulled her back and held her close, cherishing her body pressed against his.  And all the while they smiled, oblivious to the rest of the world and lost in their own.

                Until the music stopped, gently depositing Hyoyeon back to Earth in Youngbae’s arms.  At least, that was how it was supposed to work.  But then, with a terribly nervous but sweet smile, he stepped back, one hand holding hers, the other in his pocket, and bent down on his knee.  Hyoyeon’s dark eyes widened and she inhaled slightly, forgetting to breathe as the room fell mostly quiet around them, filled with the barest of delighted whispers.

                “Kim Hyoyeon,” he began in a voice that trembled with his nerves.  “Since I met you, my life has changed in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine.  And I am a better man for having you in my life.”  He pulled his other hand from his pocket and presented a small, black box to her.  Youngbae had to let go of her other hand so he could open it, leaving Hyoyeon feeling as if she might float away at any moment, but when the lid peeled back, she gasped again upon seeing the simple, gorgeous, polished diamond sitting upon a delicate, silver band.  “Will you marry me?” he asked, beaming up at her imploringly, hopefully, lovingly.

                Tears sprang to her eyes and Hyoyeon covered with one hand, trying to keep it together.  Her smile kept her face from crumpling into happy tears but she couldn’t find the words to respond.  Nodding seemed to be her only recourse, so she did, vigorously.

                Youngbae laughed once in overjoyed relief and, with trembling hands, took the ring out so he could place it on her finger, grinning when she shook as much as he did.  “I love you,” he whispered amidst the rising applause around them.

                “Yes,” Hyoyeon finally found her voice, entranced by the ring she never envisioned she’d have and Youngbae’s beatific expression.  “I love you too,” she sniffed, trying valiantly not to cry harder so her makeup wouldn’t run.

                The world began to spin again when Youngbae jumped up and enveloped her in his arms, hugging her close and twirling her around.  Nothing could touch her after that.  Hyoyeon spent the entire evening on cloud nine.  She barely touched her food and couldn’t stop smiling to save her life.  And though she loved the look of the ring on her finger, she liked feeling Youngbae’s hand in hers more, constantly grounding her with his presence, reminding her of the man she’d first met and who she fell in love with.

                Their combined euphoria continued through the night.  It lasted the entire ride home as they took a taxi (he couldn’t afford the proposal and the limo), their heads spinning from too much champagne and excitement.  And it only rose to higher heights as they lost themselves in each other’s arms, drowning in all that their lover was and more.

                A terrible dream plagued her sleep.

                There was an accident and she was trapped.  The seatbelt bit sharply into her shoulder and waist as she hung upside down in the overturned car while rain poured down.  Through the shattered windshield and over the deployed airbags, she could see another car laying nearby, the driver hidden from view as it rested on its side.  It was off the road and barely visible amidst the torrent of water coming down.

                ‘Youngbae?’ she whimpered, looking to her left while her head pounded and everything hurt.

                ‘Hyoyeon?’ the injured driver responded, a gash bleeding profusely on his head, staining the silver hair red in the light of the oncoming car.

                Hyoyeon screamed as brakes howled, the horn a useless warning before they were hit.  Metal crumpled with a tortured cry and the trap they were in lurched, tumbling again…

                Her finger twitched and she took a shuddering breath with her eyes closed.  “Youngbae?” Hyoyeon mouthed, wondering why she couldn’t feel him beside her.

                “Hyoyeon?” a worried voice asked nearby, grabbing her hand.  The sound was wrong though.  So was the feel of his hand around hers.

                Despite the ache in her head and the general fugue that washed over her, Hyoyeon pried open reluctant eyes and winced at the overhead lights.  White lights and white walls didn’t make sense in her head so she looked to her left where Youngbae was supposed to be, only it was… Jiyong instead.  She blinked with a feeling of rising panic in her chest, the telltale beeping of her heartrate increasing with the sensation.  “Youngbae?” she tried again, the sound thin and strained.

                “Easy, Hyoyeon,” Jiyong soothed, grabbing her shoulder with one hand.  “Just take it slow,” he urged with a falsely calm voice.

                Attached to the bed with tubes and wires, Hyoyeon looked around in growing alarm, feeling skin tug uncomfortably when she tried to move too much.  “Where is he, Ji?” she panted, her bottom lip trembling as she feared the worst.

                “Calm down, Hyoyeon,” he tried again, biting his bottom lip while he looked down at her, his blonde hair messy and clumped up from where he’d been sleeping on it.  “Think about the baby,” he reminded her instead, leaning over her so that he was all she could see.

                Instinctively, Hyoyeon moved her free hand over the small swell of her abdomen where new life was growing inside her.  Her grip tightened on Jiyong’s hand and silent tears filled her eyes, pooling on her lashes before spilling over and staining the pillow.  She summoned a shaky breath, her bottom jaw trembling all the while.  “He’s gone isn’t he?”

                Swallowing thickly, Jiyong nodded his head with matching tears in his eyes.  “He um…  The car…” he fumbled, his fingers tightening on her shoulder.  “They tried,” he shrugged, sniffing wetly without looking away as he took a seat once more.

                “He can’t be gone,” Hyoyeon denied as she stared at him with her heart shattering into pieces all the while.  “He can’t be,” she tried again, her voice breaking on each word until speaking became impossible in the wake of her tears.

                “I know,” Jiyong sighed, just holding to her tightly.  He didn’t know what else he could do.  There was nothing he could say to make it better.

                “Youngbae…” Hyoyeon whimpered, the name devolving into helpless sobs as her husband’s best friend tried to console her.

~~~~~~

                Sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of tea cradled between her palms, the house felt empty to Hyoyeon.  There were memories of him everywhere, from the random socks still cropping up in unexpected places to the pictures of them on the walls, and everything about their bedroom.  She still couldn’t bring herself to sleep in the bed they had shared, choosing the guest room instead.

                “It’s good to see you with color in your face again,” Soonkyu smiled brightly, a hint of sadness hiding at the corner of her eyes.  She brushed the back of her fingers against Hyoyeon’s cheek and sat down across from the younger woman, nursing her own cup of warm tea.

                “I was kind of getting used to the bruises,” Hyoyeon sighed without looking up as she took a sip and tried to hide behind her mug.

                “I wasn’t,” her sister shook her head sending short, black hair flaring out briefly as she reached over to touch her fingertips to Hyoyeon’s arm.  “The doctors said you were lucky, hon.  You and the baby,” Soonkyu murmured with a meaningful glance down, the growing bump hidden behind the table and the oversized sweater Hyoyeon was currently wearing.  It was Youngbae’s and several sizes too large.

                “It doesn’t feel like it,” she retorted, setting her mug down harder than intended with a clack that made them both wince.  Hyoyeon let go and placed both hands on her stomach, feeling the swell under her palms.  “I don’t want it without him,” she admitted, on the verge of breaking down yet again.  It was a thought she hadn’t told anyone yet and it frightened her.

                “Oh honey,” Soonkyu got up immediately with a pained expression, her sun dress irritably cute in contrast to Hyoyeon’s mood.  The equally short woman hugged her sister close and rested her lips against the tangled hair.  “Give it time,” she whispered, rocking gently as she stood.  “Things will work out,” Soonkyu promised with as much conviction as she could muster.

                “I don’t want to give it time,” Hyoyeon cried into Soonkyu’s bosom, shifting enough to hug her around the waist tightly.  “I just want him.”

                “I know, baby.  I know,” her sister sighed, trying her best to keep the tears at bay so she could be strong for her sibling at least.

~~~~~~

                Despite the words that she didn’t want the baby, Hyoyeon couldn’t bring herself to get rid of it either.  He, or she, was the only real connection she had left with Youngbae.  Of course there were pictures of him and them together, the wedding ring he’d given her, most of his stuff that she’d been unable to get rid of yet…  But none of it was him in any way, shape, or form.  And that was just as hard to accept as the fact that the baby was, at least in part.

                And it wasn’t like she didn’t have time to think about it either.  Her job was very understanding about the whole thing while their health insurance covered her time lost at work.  The court cases against the drivers that had caused the first accident, and the second that had taken Youngbae’s life, were ended with settlements outside of court.  She didn’t particularly care since neither result gave her what she really wanted, but Hyoyeon did receive a large, lump sum of money to cover the cost of damages. It also gave her plenty to live off of comfortably while she tried to pick up the pieces of her life.

                Her parents, in-laws, family, and friends made a continuous carousel of visitations that were both welcome and irritating in equal measure.  Soonkyu was well meaning but sometimes overbearing; Jiyong tried to console her but always veered back to talking about Youngbae; her girlfriends tried to distract her with pampering and shopping trips but her feet ached and nothing fit anymore; her guy friends tried to make her laugh but their humor often fell flat; and her family often felt like they were killing her with kindness and avoiding the subject entirely.  They all wanted to comfort her, to bring her some measure of happiness and peace, but none of them knew what to say or how to go about doing it.  Just as often as not, Hyoyeon resented their happiness while she tried to find her own.  Adding insult to injury, the further along she got in her pregnancy, the more uncomfortable she became.

                Restless nights, needing to pee all the time, morning sickness, being achy in general, and a slew of other pregnancy related concerns hounded Hyoyeon.  She craved the most random foods at all hours and was just as likely to snap at people as she was to be nice at any given moment.  All of it made her resent the baby for the side-effects of carrying it.  She was angry that Youngbae wasn’t there with her and nothing anyone said could make her feel differently.  But then she’d feel those little flutter kicks against her stomach, and for some inexplicable reason, all the misery would be worth it.

                Maybe.  Just maybe, things would be okay after all.

~~~~~~

                “Pick up, pick up, pick up!” Hyoyeon fretted as she hobbled across the floor, clutching her womb with one hand and holding the phone with a death grip in the other.

                “Hell- Ah!” Soonkyu shrieked over the phone when Hyoyeon yelled as another contraction hit her.  “What’s wrong?!” she shouted, obviously panicking on the other end.

                “It’s coming!” Hyoyeon cried, hurting and afraid and generally clueless as to what was going on.  The gynecologist had explained it to her but hearing about it and experiencing it were entirely different things!

                “Right now?!”  A garbled yes answered that question.  “Hold on, sis!  I’m coming right over!” Soonkyu announced loudly, the sound of running feet audible over the phone.  Hyoyeon wanted to tell her sister to hurry but another contraction took her breath away and she focused on trying to walk since that was supposed to help.  Wasn’t it?

                The car ride was a veritable nightmare and she refused to hold Soonkyu’s hand since she was driving, for one, and she didn’t want to break her sister’s hand.  She thought it was a distinct possibility given how much it hurt and the surprising dent she was leaving in the upholstery on each new wave.  A small swarm of nurses converged on her when Soonkyu and another attendant wheeled her into the hospital doors, talking in all sorts of medical lingo she only half heard and understood.

                She was put into some sort of hospital gown, her vitals were taken, and then Hyoyeon was wheeled into some sort of private room with a bunch of hopefully qualified strangers around her and Soonkyu missing as she tried to let the rest of their family and friends know what was going on.  Somewhere along the continuous agony of each quickening contraction, her sister showed up and ended up holding Hyoyeon’s hand anyway, letting her know she wasn’t alone.

                Three hours later, during a span of time in which she was certain God hated her and she personally, and loudly, blamed Youngbae for her current condition – multiple times – a sweaty and exhausted Hyoyeon rested on the bed quietly.  Her eyes followed the doctor in scrubs holding a squalling, hastily cleaned, and wrinkly infant in his hands as he brought it closer to her.

                “It’s a boy,” he announced as he handed the baby to her with an easy to see smile, even behind the face mask he wore.

                “Oh,” Hyoyeon breathed, a look of utter wonder appearing on her face as if conjured by the presence of the flailing, tiny human now in her arms.  Propped up on the bed just enough, the infant settled against her easily with half-hearted cries, almost as if he could tell she was who he was supposed to be with.  Barely open eyes weren’t able to focus so he looked everywhere, and his tiny fists continued to move; the damp puff of black hair on his head stood out starkly in contrast to his flushed complexion and he whimpered softly as he moved with infantile awkwardness.

                “He’s beautiful, Hyoyeon,” Soonkyu whispered as she placed one hand near the baby and left her other on her sister’s shoulder.

                “He is,” Hyoyeon sniffed, crying again as she cradled the life she and Youngbae had created together.  He wasn’t Youngbae but the eight and half months she’d carried him for told her he wouldn’t be.  She knew the sound of his heartbeat and the feel of his hands and feet were etched in memory.  Hyoyeon knew what settled him at night and what foods he probably didn’t like.  It felt like she knew everything about him and yet nothing at all, and she wanted to find out.  All of it.

                “Good job, honey,” her sister congratulated, getting up to kiss her on the top of the head.

                “Hey baby,” Hyoyeon beamed with happy tears trickling down her face.  Love filled her heart again and gave her a happiness she hadn’t known she could reclaim.  “Mommy’s here,” she promised, gently rocking him in her arms as she stared at the beautiful person she’d helped to create.  He whimpered and flailed stiffly, one hand patting her on the chin with weak fingers.  Hyoyeon laughed and Soonkyu chuckled above her.  “Mommy’s here,” she beamed again, grabbing his little hand carefully and kissing the fingers, knowing there was nothing in the world she could love as much as the bundle in her arms.