Not Enough

Word count: 3,080
Summary: Sehun finally understood why was it so hard for Zitao

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“He did it. He ing did it. To us – to me. Again.”

It was hours after the ugly news had come out. Yifan left the group. Wu Yifan, who had earned his reputation under the name of Kris, in the rising boy group EXO, had left the said group he had shone with for two years. After those sweats he had spent together with his bandmates, the image he had built as the strong and brilliant leader side by side with Joonmyun, the promises of ‘we are one’ to those who claimed themselves as their fans – who love them oh so unconditionally, after those days of blinding spotlights and fancy outfits that had stuck on them like dirt they couldn’t wash off their skin, he left. Just like that. Without notice, without any word, without any consideration of at least sharing the pain with them, who he had called brothers.

“That’s enough.”

“No! You don’t – you ing don’t understand! He told me, on my freaking birthday, just two freaking weeks ago, that he’d never leave me again, that he’d stick with me through all these s, but now – now what?? He’s flaunting his so called freedom all over the media, just a week before our first concert!! Just two weeks after he promised me he’d stay!!”

And Zitao. How could Yifan ever thought of leaving Zitao? They have a quite great history together. To poetically describe, they are, or maybe now were, each other’s half. Yifan was there to wipe every tears Zitao had spent when he missed home too much, or when the burden was unbearable. Zitao was there to bring smiles on Yifan’s lips with his silly jokes and embrace him the tightest whenever he thought of coming back to his mother a little too much. And not to mention those times when Yifan had ran away from the spotlight without any word. Zitao had waited with indefinite patience for him, with open arms, as he showed up with promises of staying.

“Huang Zitao, you’re not making this situation any better.”

“Then tell me, Joonmyun hyung, tell me,” Zitao said within his sobs, with his broken Korean, “what will make this whole thing better for now?? Because I need it to stop me from jumping off that balcony – for God’ sake!!”

“You’re not the only one hurting here, ge!” Jongin said to him in full Chinese. “Everyone here, in this damned room, didn’t know a thing about this. It was worse for us, we were in a freaking live broadcasting, we were supposed to be on stage but then Baekhyun hyung heard Seunghwan hyung talked on his phone about that bastard leaving us, and it was a mess, and – oh God, Joonmyun hyung even had to take the trophy by his own!!”

Sehun could only bite his lips back then, trying to prevent his tears from falling again. Did he cried because he was sad? Or was he angry? He couldn’t find the exact reason anymore. He stared at Zitao, expecting him to finally let it go, to finally stop sobbing so hard and start to talk rationally about how they should handle the situation, but –

“You don’t understand.” is what Zitao had uttered through gritted teeth, angry eyes looking right into Jongin’s surprised ones. “You can call me a brat, selfish, whatever, but you do not understand. You’ll never do, Jongin, unless – “ Zitao seemed to decide that he shouldn’t add more fuel to the fire, but his eyes immediately weighed on Kyungsoo, who had been eyeing at the both of them worriedly. The guy never likes fights and arguments.

True. No one understood how it was for Zitao. Sehun wasn’t an exception either. He only knows that it must’ve been hard, to be left by someone you thought would never leave you, but he doesn’t really know the pain.

=

Luhan and Yifan weren’t something special.

Sure, they were close. But it was also like that within the members. Yifan was especially close to Zitao, which would’ve meant that he shared every content of his heart with the younger. Or maybe with Yixing, since the guy was always a good listener, and they were both from far lands of China and Canada. If it’s about a same-age buddy, Yifan was close to Minseok too since they were 90 liners along with Luhan. Short to say, Luhan and Yifan weren’t something special.

So it didn’t explain how Yifan’s departure had actually affected Luhan.

No, it wasn’t like Luhan had mourned over the loss of a member or had sobbed angrily over how Yifan was being selfish to every single one of them. But ever since Yifan left, Luhan has been really silent. Everyone, at the second week, had gathered back their courage and energy to continue the concert, and had sworn that they will not be stuck in the dungeon anymore. Even Zitao had embraced the fact that Yifan is not coming back this time. Joonmyun too, he had overcame his stress and decided that ‘screw it, every single band has only one leader after all’.

But Luhan was another case.

He spaced out most of the times, Sehun noticed. After rehearsals, during meal time, before falling asleep, Luhan would stare into walls, with that detached look on his face. It was understandable at first, but after two months, Sehun decided that he couldn’t take it anymore.

That one particular night, he found Luhan sitting on the couch in the dorm’s living room. The TV was off, everyone was already in their respective shared rooms, trying to steal the longest sleep time they could afford. Sehun walked silently towards the older, and as he claimed the spot next to him, he took the other’s hand and interlaced their fingers together gently.

Luhan turned his head to him with a slightly surprised look.

It was a habit between them that they would just stare into each other’s eyes in times like that, as if they’re inaudibly asking the other ‘are you alright?’ and wait until one of them spill it out. So Sehun just hold his eyes on the same spot, staring right into Luhan’s eyes, trying to comprehend the thing that has been swirling inside the older one’s head.

“I’m fine, Sehun.” Luhan offered a small smile before he reached to ruffle the younger one’s head. “Should we go to sleep?”

“You know you can tell me everything, hyung.” Sehun says quietly. “It’s alright if you don’t want to tell the others, but to me, you don’t have to be scared to open up. Just as usual. Besides,” he smiled too, “I’ve known you too much so it’s already late to keep things from me, don’t you think?”

He had expected Luhan to make an attempt on kicking his shin and said ‘I get it you punk’, but instead, tears glistened on the pair of round eyes in front of him.

Luhan was not alright.

“I will.” Luhan told him in a broken whisper. “I know, I can always count on you. But I’m fine, Sehun.”

Luhan was absolutely not alright.

=

“Why do you think the kids are so mad at Yifan?”

Sehun overheard the conversation between Minseok and Luhan two weeks after.

From the slightly opened door to the practice room, he watched as Minseok sighed heavily, leaning his body against the mirror wall behind them. “Everyone outside our group would think that we’re mad because he had betrayed us, suing the company that had polished him into the bright star he is now, leaving us right a week before our first concert, or maybe because he was selfish because he thought he was the only one suffering, but that was never the case.”

He saw Luhan looking at Minseok with unreadable look on his face.

“It was because he didn’t tell us.” Minseok said. “Because it felt like we never mattered to him, that we weren’t worthy for him to share his burden with. I don’t know about the kids, but I myself would’ve understood if he had talked it out. I mean, I know we carry the same heavy burden here, but I know that not every one of us have a high endurance for it. I’ve always known Yifan doesn’t feel like he really belonged in this kind of deal. He had always wanted freedom. But what had angered me was that he never bothered to tell at least me.”

Thick silence followed suit. Sehun didn’t have the courage to reveal himself.

“Don’t you think,” it was Luhan who broke the ice, “that maybe he was afraid that if he had told us, we would’ve begged him to stay?”

Minseok thought about it for a while before he nodded. “Especially Zitao.” he chuckled bitterly.

“Maybe it would’ve been a mess if he told us beforehand. Zitao would’ve gone wild over him. We would’ve either asked him to stay or cursed on him for ever thinking of dropping out.”

“But after the mess, we would’ve thought of it again and again,” Minseok turned to Luhan, “and in the end, we’d come back to ask ourselves, ‘how it would’ve been if it was me?’, and then we would’ve let him go. Or at least, his honesty and bravery would’ve been appreciated.”

Every single word Minseok had said, they all had hit the right places. Sehun found himself nodding unknowingly along the explanation. Yifan should’ve told them. They would’ve tried to understand, even if it hurts.

He decided that he shouldn’t barge in; the atmosphere inside the room was already awkward. So he turned around to find Jongin instead. Maybe they could go for some fried chicken.

He barely caught the words Minseok said afterwards.

“I know why you’ve asked, Han. I know what you’re doing.”

=

Yifan called.

Zitao had barged into his shared room with Luhan at midnight, tip-toeing so he wouldn’t wake the oldest in the room. But he had shook Sehun’s body until Sehun groaned sleepily and asked him why. When he had adjusted his sight and found Zitao’s eyes were teary, he immediately got up. Zitao then dragged him out of the room.

And he didn’t stop until they’re in the kitchen. It was the furthest place from everyone’s bedrooms, which meant that it was the safest place they could talk in.

“Yifan ge called me.” Zitao told him through his suppressed sobs. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Sehun’s eyes were widened. “And?? What did he say??”

“He – he said, that he was sorry, for leaving us, for breaking my heart again. He said that it was hard – very hard for leaving, and that if only he could go backward in time, he would’ve at least waited – told us – told us that he was leaving.” Zitao pauses to clear his throat. “And I said, it was useless, everything he said was useless, because the damage was already done too long ago.”

The emotion was so clear in Zitao’s wet eyes. Sehun tried so hard not to break into sobs together with him. He took Zitao’s hands in his, trying to comfort his brother.

“Then I asked him if he’s happy,” Zitao continued, “and he said yes, he is. He said he feels like he’s living a whole new fresh life. He said that he would do the best so all the pain everyone had went through won’t go to waste.”

To his surprise, Zitao flashed a smile. A broken, tired, yet genuine smile.

“It’s what matters the most, right, Sehun? His happiness, it’s all that matters, right?” Zitao kept the smile on his lips. “If he’s happy, then I can forgive him bit by bit. I told him I will pray for his well-being, for his happiness, as long as he promise me that he’d do fine. And – he cried, and it was so ridiculous that I started laughing even if I was still crying, and he finally laughed as well. He told me he loves me, and that he’d call in any possible occasion.”

Sehun wipes the remnants of tears on Zitao’s cheeks. “And… how are you feeling right now?”

It was a little bit long before Zitao answered. “Content. And enough.” he said slowly. “It’s enough like this, to know how he’s been doing. I feel… relieved.”

Zitao had smiled once more before they called it a night and got back into their own rooms.

=

They were called to gather in their dorm’s living room, and by the time they were all there, came in Luhan and their managers. Sehun’s heart started to race. It felt so wrong to see Luhan contemplating on what he should say to them.

“I’m…” Luhan started off. “I’m leaving.”

It wasn’t a surprise that Minseok was calmest.

Instead of starting to yell in anger, or to curse on Luhan, everyone stayed silent as they looked at him in expectation. Maybe they had learned together that if they were ever given the chance like that, they’d listen.

“I… don’t really know what to explain. All I know is that I’m going to do my best in doing this in the safest way. I’m… I’m so sorry, guys.” Luhan had trembled all along. “I’m so sorry, I’m really sorry.”

Sehun had stood up from his seat abruptly. Everyone, although they had expected it, still looked bewildered.

Without a word, Sehun ran out of the dorm.

=

In the end, Sehun finally understood. Why did Zitao cry so much, why did Zitao sob like he was the one who was hurting the most when all of them had the same impact too.

It was because you finally realize that you’re not enough for the person you love to stay and get through the pain.

Zitao must’ve felt like that. Useless, insignificant, after all the history he have had with Yifan. Maybe it was so painful for him to find that he wasn’t enough for Yifan to stay and endure it all. Sehun was so sure, because it was so painful to him as he walked away from the building.

He wasn’t enough to make Luhan stay.

=

“There you are.”

Sehun should’ve known that Luhan could easily find him if he chose to hide at the railings on the side of Han River. But he was already tired of actually running around. Besides, the point in hiding was to be found, right?

They leaned against the railings together, watching as the sun was in its way to go down. Such a beautiful scenery, yet Sehun got to see it because his heart was shattered into pieces.

“I tried to tell you so many times.” Luhan said in a whisper. “But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I… I can’t handle it.”

“Doesn’t mean you can just come in and say you’re leaving.”

“What else should I do, Sehun? I don’t want to disappear suddenly like Yifan. I want to at least come clean in front of everyone – in front of you.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re leaving.” Doesn’t change the fact that it will hurt, Sehun seemed to say.

Luhan reached out for Sehun’s hand, but the younger just scooted away. “Sehun…”

“I’m not holding you back.” Sehun said. “Just go. I’m not gonna ask why. Not because I don’t care, but because I think I’ve figured it out all along. Ever since you started complaining about your migraines and how overly exhausted you’ve been looking, I’ve expected this kind of thing to happen. I just…” he trails off, “I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.”

The tiny sobs was the cue to his heart shattering once more.

“I just hope…” Sehun dared to look up and meet Luhan’s eyes, “I hope that you’d be happy, hyung. So it will worth the pain. Please… please be happy.”

Luhan started crying as he pulls Sehun into his arms. “I’m so sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m so sorry, Sehun, I’m really sorry!”

Sehun didn’t say ‘it’s okay’, because it wasn’t okay for sure. But he understood, and he told Luhan that as he also hugged the latter back.

=

It was the last day of Luhan joining the concert.

The fans cheered on them with all their might. They didn’t even know what was coming. The eleven of them stood on the stage, the LED light behind them was burning on their back. They were shouting their last words before the concert ended.

Luhan cried.

Sehun watched from a distance as Luhan wandered his eyes over the crowd with tears falling down his cheeks. He looked so broken. Just like how Yifan had looked at one show they were in before he left. Back then, even the members didn’t knew why the guy had cried on stage. But now they understand. He understand.

So he walked across the distance to take a spot next to Luhan. Without informing verbally that he was there, he took Luhan’s free hand and hold it. It was painful, how he realized that it would be the last time he stands on a stage with Luhan by his side.

Sehun gave all his tears for Luhan to shed.

=

“So apparently they met each other today.”

Sehun looks up from his phone to see Zitao looking at his own device, smiling softly. “Who?”

“Fan ge and Lu ge.”

His stomach churns.

“They met at the gala’s rehearsal. Want to see the video? Lu ge was practically gluing himself to Fan ge.” Zitao giggles. “Well, Fan ge told me they’re going to be on the same stage.”

Sehun contemplates for a while. “Can I see?”

Zitao offers his phone to the younger. Sehun plays the video, apparently taken by a fan. Yifan and Luhan are walking together, looking like lost puppies until one of the staffs tells Yifan to go to the other room. Luhan goes after him but his own staff tells him that they won’t be in the same room or some sort, so Luhan follows the female staff and then shouts at Yifan to call him later.

“Aren’t Lu ge just as cute as ever?” Zitao laughs cheekily as he looks up from the screen. “Whoa, Sehun, are you ing serious??”

Sehun giggles as he wipes a single tear that had rolled down his cheek. “Nah. I’m fine.”

Zitao was right. Luhan, being happy, it’s all that matters.

=