When you met him for the fifth time his hair had the warm, chocolate tint of brown, reminding you of that one time he decided to refresh his image, like he said. Do something new, so you won’t get bored of seeing him looking the same every day, so you won’t get tired to the point of wanting to find someone else. It instantly made you smile and that was all what took Sehun to get courage and start chatting with you in the crowded bus, when others were pushing on him, gluing you to the window as effect. That loving smile that made your eyes look hearty, as if you knew and loved him for a very long time. But he didn’t know that in fact, that is the case.

‘Maybe I could buy you a coffee as a recompense for trying to press you into that window?’ Sehun asked on a bus stop, scratching the back of his head nervously - being a 18 years old boy he was still shy.

‘I don’t drink coffee,’ you replied.

‘Oh,’ the disappointment could be clearly seen in the change of his expression as he took your response as rejection.

‘However, I do love hot chocolate.’

*

Sehun looked at the round clock hanging on the wall of his office that showed 6 pm. He fixed the slim, black tie and straighten the invisible wrinkles of his white shirt, before tugging it neatly into his pants. The smile crept on his face on its own to the thought of seeing the face of a person that occupied his mind through whole day again.

There was no doubt he loved her.

He loved her long, blonde, wavy hair, that made her complexion look white as snow. He loved how her lips turned crimson from his kisses. He loved her sense of humour and how contagious her laugh was. He loved her eloquence, the ability of getting any investor she wanted, making him proud to have her. He loved how vulnerable she was around him, although being perceived as strong woman. He loved her cooking, the smell of her house and body. He loved her puffy eyes in the morning and how her skin felt on his.

He loved her with his whole self, there was no doubt.

You got up from the couch hearing clicking sound of lock, taking a short glance at the clock - it was already 11pm.

‘Do you want to eat dinner?’

‘No thanks. I’m not hungry,’ Sehun replied.

He never was at that hour but you still asked. Not because you were worried he was starving – let’s face it – he likes to eat and eats a lot, but simply because you enjoyed seeing him devour deliciously the food you prepared.

He made his way to the couch and patted the seat beside, motioning for you to take it.

‘We need to talk,’ Sehun announced, making your stomach squeeze with just those words.

It would be a lie if you said you didn’t notice anything in the past year and a half, but just decided to ignore it.

Looking at you with heavy heart, he repeated in his head the conversation that took place not long ago.

‘When will you tell your wife?’ She asked, snuggling into his bare chest.

‘Today. I will tell her today.’

‘I… fell in love with someone… and I want to be with her.’

It’s not true feelings can’t be physically felt, to the point of affecting ones’ body, that it’s only in our head. Right now you were the living proof of spuriousness of this theory. In a millisecond the invisible belt clenching your stomach got tighter, heart beat fastened to the point of being painful. The shock was strong, making your muscles weak, holding you in place not able to move – good thing Sehun told you to sit – or speak. But he was right there, in front of you waiting until you digest his words and give any response. He found it useless to shower you with unnecessary information to not hurt you more, make it less painful – unless you asked.

‘Hun-ah…’ you managed to whisper through drying throat while shaking head. ‘What…’

‘Here you go again,’ he sighed. ‘I told you not to call me that. I hate it.’

‘But… you liked it before…’ your voice already hoarse from holding back tears came out weakly. Mind blank and confused as to how proceed with this conversation. What to say? What to ask or if ask anything? Do you even want to know?

‘We were 18 then, for the love of God! It’s been ten years! How can you still be like this, huh?’ Sehun asked flooded with sudden frustration.

He wanted to conduct this conversation as calmly and friendly as possible, since it was also hard for him. However the pet name you gave him reminded exactly why he wasn’t interested in you anymore.

You got taken aback by this sudden outburst, with eyes wide open and brain quickly producing some answer, almost forgetting about the bomb he fed you earlier.

‘I just… I still love you like I did back then…,’ you stammer, not entirely recognizing him right now.

‘That’s what I’m talking about!’ He cut you off. ‘How can you still love me the same as then? How can you still love me so much? How can you never get angry on me? How can you never yell on me or pick a fight?! How can you be so unchanging?!’

‘Because… for me… nothing changed…’

With tears covering half of your eyes - just one blink and they would fall - you reached out a palm to put it on his cheek, touch his face lovingly. But they only fell when he slapped it away, leaving wet traces on your skin.

‘That’s the problem! You are just too easy! You do everything I say! I can have you with the motion of my finger and she…,’ he paused because the mention of her slipped out of his mouth. He didn’t plan to talk about his mistress to not shatter your heart into pieces. But the milk was already spilled so Sehun decided to just continue. ‘She is different. She excites me. She makes me want her. She makes me feel alive. She can be hot and cold. She is unpredictable and you… - just plain boring with your puppy love and constant understanding. I could be ing different girl every day before your eyes and you wouldn’t know! You believe in my lies so blindly! Do you know how frustrating and suffocating that is?’ He boldly blurred out harsh words, answering the unspoken question why.

He was right. It was true you never had a fight with Sehun. Not because he was flawless, to the point of being perfect hence never got you mad at him – because he did. But after such a long wait for another chance of being together you just didn’t want to ruin it nor waste time – the reason hidden behind it was simple as that. You didn’t want to waste time for quarrels, silent days, cold treatment, alongside of not being sure if you would even be able to bear it. The fear was another factor – fear he will break up, leave you. Again. And you perfectly knew how life without Sehun is, how it tastes like, how it looks. How your apartment smells without his scent lingering around, left on your clothes, couch, blanket or sheets. How lonely and cold it gets in the evening or at night. How everything is so bland and meaningless.

Your mouth opened for a second but closed right after, not making a sound. Your throat felt so dry, hands and lower lip were shaking lightly, heart knocking hard against rib cage as if screaming in grief, wanting to escape to Sehun, hug him tightly and never let go. Scream and beg for him to stay. Tears flew one after another but he seemed not moved by them.

You tried. You tried so hard for all this time. Yet, Sehun wasn’t even close to being pleased.

‘Let’s just not make things hard for ourselves and get quiet divorce, hm?’ He proposed finally, stopping the deafening quietness that fell after his fit.

‘Please, don’t…,’ you stared to beg to which he rolled his eyes in annoyance.

‘Stop, okay? I have been thinking a lot about this and I’m not changing my mind. We… It’s been two years already,’ Sehun admit. ‘I met her over two years ago… It’s been this long. So do a favour for both of us, me and you, and let me go peacefully.’

Your head hung low hopeless. There was really nothing you could do. You saw it in his eyes that were piercingly cold, his stiff and distant attitude, unchanging facial expression – he didn’t love you anymore.

You hardly bit on you lower lip to that painful thought, to prevent another burst of tears.

Is there even one reality in which you are happy with Sehun? Where he does love you back, where he doesn’t die, where you don’t die, where you belong to him and he belongs to you and only you, where he doesn’t cheat on you, where you are together forever.

You asked yourself those questions bitterly, since you thought this reality is the one because you finally got married – as if it was a step to break the curse.

‘Just three months… till the end of the year. Stay with me for three more months doing one thing and you will be free – that’s all I am asking for,’ you finally said defeated.

It was weird at the beginning, since Sehun’s feelings for you faded long time ago – she was now taking a place in his mind and heart – Hana was her name. Uncomfortable to have his embrace around your body, that was long forgotten in his memory, he broke it as soon as you fell asleep, shifting himself to other side and away, so when you woke up the backs were welcoming you.

It was like this for whole three weeks, with him sometimes being at home for night and sometimes not, putting in your head thoughts about resigning, letting him go right then because it was too painful watching Sehun being displeased having to spend time with you and longing for another woman. And it didn’t make any sense nor have any purpose forcing him to do things he didn’t want to.

However you didn’t give up – you already made that selfish decision and decided to keep it going.

As if nothing happened, you welcomed him home, made him food, talked to him, loved him, not being discouraged by cold treatment received back for all those things. The only gesture you expected from him was goodnight hug – something you both did back in the days of youth and at the beginning of marriage, when he held you in his arms for whole night, every night.

After those three weeks, when he saw you yet again sleeping on the couch waiting for him to come back, for the first time guilt mixed with pity drained down his stomach because he imagined you being like this when he is no longer by your side. The picture being destructive enough for Sehun to decide to pick his poor wife and put her in bed instead. It was this night when he was looking at your closed eyes, taking a closer sight of your features, thinking how you will live without him.

Awkward and unsure – that’s how his hug was after first month, when Sehun actually set his mind on putting some effort, do it properly since, in fact, that was the only and last thing he could do for you for all those years of being nothing but good and loving wife, whom he cheated on.

In second month Sehun was coming back home earlier, not visiting Hana as much as before, to somehow redeem the guilt – of course informing Hana beforehand.

‘She is ridiculous. And pathetic, trying to keep you like this. I’m sure after three months she will want another three or more! It’s a trap, Sehun, don’t be deceived!’ she said but agreed anyway, since it was Sehun’s decision after all.

‘Sehun, can you bring me slippers to the bathroom? I forgot to take them,’ you shouted after walking out the shower.

‘Where are they?’

‘In my room.’

‘They are not here,’ he informed after some time.

‘Look around the couch then.’

‘Not here either.’

‘Then maybe at the door.’

‘No.’

‘How about the kitchen?’

‘Argh! Whatever!’ You heard him say in frustration before doors to bathroom opened.

In reflex you held onto towel wrapped around your body, feeling shy. However Sehun freely picked you up, keeping one of his hands under your arms and other under knees. Your fingers tangled together around your husband’s neck to keep balance.

‘Where do you want to go?’ He asked, remembering how you don’t like walking around the house with bare feet after showering.

‘B-bedroom.’

He felt the corner of lips crawling up itself, noticing delicate redness painting your cheeks.

‘It’s not like I haven’t seen you like this before,’ he stated looking ahead, realizing that in fact it was ages ago when he saw you with little clothes or no clothes at all.

His senses sharpen when he focused on yours skin touching. It was nice and smooth under his fingertips. Delicate as flowers petals, making one want to caress it, palpate more. How come he didn’t remember it?

Carefully Sehun placed on bed his wife, that felt much lighter than over a month ago, convincing him he got stronger from lifting her from couch and carrying to bed.

In third month, that was at the same time, your last month together, it was almost familiar and relaxing holding you at night. He didn’t leave you alone anymore, keeping tight embrace around your waist and under neck. Your body being small against his, or maybe just Hana was way more curvy and he got used to her figure. It was time of awareness he never stopped loving and caring for you. He just forgot he did because of lack of close contact, which was entirely his fault. You were always warm person, however him… Well, Mr. Oh always got annoyed easily or bored quickly. Yet, you could bear with it perfectly. He forgot to cherish you, thinking there is nothing he can do that will make you leave, neglecting your existence in effect.

Sehun’s stomach clenched unpleasantly when consciousness what he actually did to you in return hit him. And it hit hard. How much of a jerk he was, how harmful his actions were, how damaging and how neatly you handle them, giving him last chance to fix everything, to leave with face in nice atmosphere – he could only admire.

‘Goodnight, honey,’ he whispered, pressing his lips lightly on top of your head, thinking you were asleep.

But you weren’t. With wide eyes to this sudden display of tenderness, you turned around to face him, to look in his eyes because it may be your last chance to do so.

‘Goodnight, Sehun,’ you responded.

‘No. Say it,’ he said softly.

You shook your head, putting on a smile, however feeling sadness scratching inside walls of your abdomen.

‘I know you hate it.’

‘Say it like you used to... Call me a pet name. Call me Hun… Please,’ his plea was weak as if his voice was cracking.

‘Goodnight, Hun-ah,’ you gave in.

Your words sounding oh so lovingly in his ears that he couldn't stop himself. Nor want to do so.

He pecked your forehead as reward.

Then nose.

Then cheek.

Then his lips pressed against yours. Surprising you even more. Catching out of guard.

He was pressing them. And pressing. Until they slowly started to move, taking the upper one, following with lower one right after, parting your lips and demanding access. His hug around your body tightening, bringing you closer and closer, till each centimetre of your skin was touching his. Till he could devour you, eat you whole.

I don’t deserve your love. I don’t deserve even one bit of it, he thought.

‘I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Hana. I can’t leave her. I… I think… I still love her… I love her too much.’

‘What?! Are you kidding me, Sehun? After two years of deceiving me, promising divorce, using me in every way possible, now you are telling me you can’t leave her? Is this some kind of sick joke to you? Do you think you can play me like this?!’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘No! I told you she is messing with your head, pulling your strings to keep you. I told you to leave right away but you suddenly wanted to play good husband and stay for three months longer. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be like this, hm?’ She closed the distance between them, putting palms on his chest. ‘I know you love me. If you loved her you wouldn’t have come to me. You wouldn’t flirt with me at that banquet right under her nose. You wouldn’t come to my room that night to have wild .’

‘Hana, please…’

‘No, I’m the one begging you, Sehun. If you want me to prove it to you, just stay with me for three days. She got three months, I need only three days, though I’m sure you will change your mind by the morning. You fulfilled her wish, so I think it’s only fair to fulfil mine as well. You can decide on your own in the end. After those three days I won’t convince you anymore,’ Hana finished, lurking hands at the back of Sehun’s neck, only to bring him closer and plant enticing kiss on his lips.

‘Honey! Honey, are you home?’ Sehun asked as soon as he opened the door.

He knew. He was doubting at first because there was something about Hana that was calling out to him. But after two days he knew already he is not able to be with her anymore. That the person he wants to be with is you.

‘Sweety!’ He called, however his ringing phone was the one who answered him. ‘Hello?’

‘Are you Mr. Oh? Oh Sehun?’

‘Yes, speaking.’

‘I’m calling from the Soonchonhyang University Hospital. Is there a possibility you could come here?’

‘What is it?’

‘I think it will be better if you come.’

‘It was cancer,’ doctor informed already pale Sehun. ‘There was nothing we could do. She had frequent headaches, right?’ Sehun’s head fell forward heavily in agreement. ‘When she came to us three months ago it already got to her brain. Did you ever try to have a baby?' His round eyes looked at the man in white pitifully. Not being able to stop images from appearing before him of little boy that looks like him but has your smile or little girl that looks like you but has his mole, his heart permeated unbearable pain. It was always too early for him to have a child or too busy at work so he dispose your talks about baby. 'It probably started from ovaries, that’s why she didn’t get pregnant. Then spread over all internal organs. Operation wasn’t possible since it had only 1% chance of survival. I’m really sorry.’

‘Did she…did she… knew… about time..?’ He managed to ask indirectly with eyes full of tears.

‘I told her to live the fullest and make some beautiful memories with her husband because she may be gone by the end of the year.’

He couldn’t believe it. And didn’t want to.

Cancer. That was eating you up alive right beside him. Eating you ever day, in every hour, minute and second, shortening your life, giving you pain. Yet, he didn’t notice anything. Only now it all made sense: it wasn’t him gaining strength – it was you losing weight, it wasn’t him being used to Hana’s curves – it was you getting thinner. How could he be so blind and inattentive?

Why you didn’t tell him?

Three months ago, huh? Was it the same day that he confessed about an affair and desire to leave? That scenario was too monstrous to be true, so he hoped for it to not be.

However in the end you were the one that left him. For good. In the day he was going to come back, hug you tightly and say he is not going anywhere. Say how sorry he is, how much he loves you, that he is going to atone for all wrongdoings, that he is going to be a better husband and beg you to stay with him.

But he lost his chance. And now it was too late - he won't ever be able to fix his mistakes, he won't ever be able to make it up to you, he won't ever be able to see your loving smile that made him fall for you that day in the bus.

And he won't ever be able to confess that they weren't pressing on him that hard, that he was only pretending, wanting to have an excuse to talk to you.