The first time you met him was such a long time ago some might think you don’t even remember that clearly. Because who would after living so many times. Pieces of memories being thrown like puzzles inside your brain, scattered around, thrown all over the place. But you knew exactly how to put them all together to make a full picture.

His hair were black and cheeks puffy. He was wearing a stripped T-shirt neatly tugged into his pants, all construction supported by suspenders. You both were three at that time and neither of you wanted to get close to another, although his mother as well as yours tried their hardest.

But time went by and sometimes he had to stay at your place, and sometimes you had to stay at his – almost every day together. That’s how it started, naturally leading to you not being able to imagine a day spent without that brat Oh Sehun.

Few weeks later you already were a couple – how nice it is to be a kid, everything is so simple and easy.

‘I promise to always play with you, eat delicious things with you, watch girly movies I don’t like with you, not tease you about making pig noises when you laugh too hard and be with you forever and ever,’ he made his vow right after you made yours, hooking your pinky fingers.

The imaginary altar in your eyes was probably more beautiful than in his. Sehun maybe saw only the circle this girl standing before him made out of flowers and colourful leafs, yet said nothing about it.

‘And stamp,’ you insisted, to which thumbs pressed together.

You loved play home. What is there to say - doesn’t every girl at the age of 7 like? For our whole life we play roles, put on masks and go with everyday routine. Truth to be told, there is no escape from it. We play the role of a child, girl, boy, woman, man, mother, father, daughter, son, student, worker, employer, customer, seller, teacher, doctor, adult, teenager, the smart one, the dumb one, the funny one, the dull one, and the list goes on and on, almost never ending. Everything we do is a given role but only as a child we seem to truly see it.

Still, despite your girlishness at times, he liked to have fun together because under his influence, which is only playing with a boy, you were growing up as a tomboy.

At the age of 14 you start to get a bit chubbier, the mean comments arise in school about how funny you look next to Sehun.

‘I don’t want to go with him, I want to go alone,’ the usual whine of a teenage girl starts.

‘There is no way we will let you go alone. The movie ends pretty late and we don’t want you to wander around the streets alone, since no one can pick you up and we can’t go with you,’ the head of the family said in a firm but delicate tone. ‘End of discussion.’

‘Argh! Then I don’t want to go at all!’ you finally shout, shutting doors to the room with a loud bang.

It wasn’t because you didn’t like him anymore. However after few sessions of nonstop talking behind your backs at school it seemed like whole world is poking fun at you, every passing person badmouthing you, laughing at you. You just felt so bad and uncomfortable with your body next to Sehun. His lakny proportions not helping at all.

Probably you would never, if others didn’t point it out. Isn’t that how we notice most of things?

It made you grew apart a bit, as much you didn’t want to. Your unreasonable moods, explanations he couldn’t understand, because he didn’t mind the way your body looked, his own moods and lack of patience lead this way. Not that the two you weren’t close anymore. You were. You were known as best friends to the entire school. You just fought more, resulting in silent days dragging until one decided to take the first step.

But at the sweet age of 16 things settled down more.

Well, not exactly.

‘Um… excuse me,’ someone tapped your shoulder shyly.

‘Yes?’ you said after turning around.

‘Could you give this to Sehun? I know you two are friends and his locker and desk are already full, so… you know… I don’t want mine go missing or something.’

She was cute. And asking pretty nicely, so who would have said no. Still, your jaw clenched out of irritation but not that much to let the girl know.

‘S-Sure.’

Valentine's Day.

You hated it. Hated it to the bits. The most in the world. There was nothing more hated, annoying and stupid than Valentine's Day – of course in your opinion. You hated it like you hated repeat yourself. You hated it like you hated your parents quarrels. You hated it like you hated being on period. You hated it like you hated being too hot or too cold.

You hated it like you sometimes hated him for being so attractive.

He was growing up.

His hair still dark with bangs covering the forehead, longer at one side, but today messily styled up. Pointy chin, high bridged nose, pink lips. Face just like those seen in manga. Body lean, undefiled with one muscle. There was a time you were towering almost half head above him, but not anymore.

All of this made killer combination – perfect for stealing young teenage girls weak hearts.

While you stayed rather average.

‘I guess your boy is doing great this year too,’ said Sumin, one of your friends, to which you rolled eyes.

‘Yea… With me as a messenger again.’

‘Well, not for everyone.’

Sumin’s thumb discreetly pointed to the place where a girl with long, straight black hair was standing. Good body. Pretty face, even prettier and undeniably cute when she was smiling. And in front of her Sehun, returning the smile shyly.

At this point of his life he wasn’t that much interested in girls yet. You knew it. But with every lovely girl walking up to him, talking to him, smiling at him, making him laugh, the fear in the pit of your stomach poked unpleasantly.

Is it this time? Is she the one? Will he fall for her? Will she be his girlfriend now?

The beauty walked away, smile so wide her face might fall off, leaving Sehun with box of chocolates.

‘Hey, HunHun.’ You walked up and he was waiting. Waiting for attack, because he knew when you called him HunHun you were about to say something teasing or just mean to make fun of him. ‘Go flirt somewhere else, we are at school. And here, yours, from some girl.’

He took the neatly wrapped package.

‘These are pretty good. Want some?’

Long fingers took one treat from the previous box and hold it in the air. They were handmade, you took a notice. And he liked them.

‘No, thanks. I don’t feel like eating anything sweet right now. Plus, she probably spent a lot of time making them, so don’t share and eat it alone.’

It was you playing the role of good friend.

‘She asked me if I would go to the cinema with her tomorrow. And it’s kind of the movie I wanted to see, but I don’t know. What do you think?’

‘Why are you asking me?’

‘Because we always watch Marvel movies together.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, it’s just a movie. I can watch it with anyone.’ It hurt him but you didn’t know. Maybe if you looked at his face at that time you would. You would catch that moment in which his eyes changed for a second. But you didn’t look and you ended up not knowing. ‘Or even alone. Don’t worry about me and go.’

Dishonesty.

You both liked, no scratch that – loved - superhero movies since forever. And you never missed one, watching them together in excitement, talking about details later on, about how much it was similar or different from the comic book.  

But you wanted to be a good friend.

So he went, just like you told him. And he always did, firstly asking you for opinion. And you always answered he should go.

Things didn’t change that much till the time you were 19. Except for the fact women were going crazy over Sehun.

Yes, women. All of them. Girls, teenagers, mothers, aunts, this old lady running a store in the neighbourhood, always giving him something extra because he is so handsome, you name it.

For most of the time, when he was bored or wasn’t talking to anyone, he was wearing this cool, cold almost blank expression, not showing any emotions. The ladies squealed, every single of them wanting to be the one that softened the prince’s heart. But then again his eye smile was able to warm every girl, including you, from inside on the coldest day, melt the iceberg and probably give power to the whole Earth. That’s how radiant and adorable it was.

He got much taller, to the point he was able to rest his chin on the top of your head comfortably without an effort. Body still lean, with delicate, yet firm muscles. Shoulders so broad the plane could safely land on them. Hair rather long, pushed back in a manly manner. And when new girls came to school you always heard them referring to him as anime guy. That all resulted in even bigger amount of confessions and chocolates on White Day. But as the years passed he stopped asking you if he should go on a date or not, when you knew he was asked out, because he learned what your answer will be. It was always a yes. However, when you couldn’t find out, the story was different.

‘You are very handsome. Here is my number. Call me if you want,’ the cashier said to Sehun, handing him a small piece of paper.

‘Um, sorry. I’m here with my girlfriend,’ he replied pointing at you and casually taking his groceries off the counter.

But you didn’t hear that, standing at the far corner of the store, still pondering if you should buy that candy bar or not.

So with you encouraging him all the time, he went through few ‘relationships’, none of them lasting more than two weeks or few dates. And when you asked what happen, Sehun tend to answer only ‘she wasn’t my type’ or ‘we didn’t match’. Because they weren’t genuinely laughing at his jokes. Because they weren’t really enjoying Marvel movies. Because they were too ladylike. Because they didn’t like animals or pets. Because they didn’t like kids. Because they were too full of themselves. Because they tried to play someone they aren’t. Because they were too much flirty. Because they tried to win him over with their bodies. There was always something he could find that he didn’t like. But you only knew as much as he told you and it was only one of those two phrases.

On the other hand, your love life was filled with cold winds blowing from all sides. Not that you weren’t attractive. All the work outs put into being able to eat all that delicious food and not being grabbed by cheeks and called chubby bunny by Sehun were paying off. You were taking care of your skin, hair, body, overall outer appearance. So why?

The doorbell rang roughly cutting through the quietness of your apartment and you exactly knew who could it be. 7 pm, too early to go home, too late to hit the clubs in the middle of week.

‘So, how was your date?’ you asked letting the male in.

He was wearing black skinny jeans, simple white v-neck and white buttoned jacket. The true fashionista. Hair styled messily up and to the side. You didn’t blame all the female population for swooning over him – Sehun was darn handsome and appealing.

‘Meh,’ he shrugged shoulders, while keeping hands in his pockets. ‘I don’t think I will meet her again.’

‘Why?’ You asked biting off the smile of relieve from lips.

‘She wasn’t my type. What are you doing?’

‘I was about watch A Walk to Remember and maybe PS. I Love You after that.’

He rolled his eyes.

‘Fine,’ he took a handful of popcorn from the bowl in your hands and walked past by you to strike a comfortable pose on the couch. Remote already in his hands.

‘You don’t have to watch it with me, you know.’

‘Well, I did promise to watch girly movies with you, didn’t I? So, yea…’

‘Oh, please. We were kids back then. We were faking getting married and promised to be with each other forever. I’m sorry HunHun but I don’t intend to take care of your bratty for the rest of my life,’ you joked in a serious manner and he knew that.

‘A promise is a promise. So I intend to keep it, make your life miserable and haunt you in your dreams till the day we die,’ mischievous smile played on his lips and you laughed shortly in response, shaking your head, while sitting next to him.

A Walk to Remember and PS. I Love You - the worst combo of your life. Both about dying of a loved one. Both displaying feelings that bounds to have no limits. Love stronger than death. Love that changes lives. Simply beautiful, touching, reaching to the depths of ones’ heart grabbing what’s there and pulling it out, making you feel drenched from tears.

‘It’s just a movie, silly,’ Sehun said, offering probably the twentieth tissue - he lost counting.

‘I know… but… this is… so sad,’ you finally spilled out after taking breaks for sobs. ‘No one knows… what’s going to happen tomorrow… or even the same day… we might be separated with someone we love… not being able to say or do what we want… and when I think about it… I just can’t stop crying.’

His heart softened. You were never that emotional. Neither of you were. You never talked about your feelings, both being bad with words. What a helpless couple. But right now, you crying over just a possibility of not being able to have the most important person in your life, made him emotional too. To the point he reached out for you, placing your head on his chest, one arm around you, the other caressing your hair that felt like silk under his fingers.

‘I’m sorry, Hun-ah.’

‘For what?’

‘That I didn’t come to your party the day before.’ You wanted to scream at God in memory of your stained white dress and unbearable period cramps. ‘I’m really sorry.’

‘I know,’ he whispered softly.

And he knew you are. He really knew, because you called him Hun. And you only called him Hun when you were serious, when you wanted to state something honestly, pour a bit of your feelings out, make him feel your sincerity.

He didn’t say it was okay though. Because for him it was that day, he even prepared something special, a little event, even if he was to die out of embarrassment during it, doing something cheesy in front of everyone. And he wanted to tell you that he isn’t going on a date with that girl tomorrow because she doesn’t smell like cocoa butter. Because she doesn’t really like action movies. Because she doesn’t have your witty sense of humour. Because she doesn’t have smile as beautiful as yours that feels like sunrays dancing and warming his skin. Because she doesn’t have your laugh that rings in his ears like the greatest melody. Because she doesn’t have your eyes that look at him the way you do. Because he doesn’t look at her the way he does at you. And simply just because she isn’t you. That from the very begging it was always and only about you. That he wanted you to stop him from going on dates with girls that weren’t you, just like he stopped the guys coming near you, that weren’t him. Because he didn’t want any competition. Because he wanted you to look only at him, just like he was looking only at you.

And it would be the best and only confession he will ever made, because it was you.

He put in it so much time, effort and courage. But you never showed up.

‘Come here.’ He cupped your cheeks. Your face already warm but now burning under his touch. Thumbs delicately brushing against wet skin, drying it off. The touch so careful even butterflies would be jealous. And you just looked at him with eyes wide open, admiring the beauty that is Oh Sehun. Should you put yourself together and make a move? ‘Why do you look so pretty while crying?’

Your heart pounded so loudly you could swear he was able to hear it over the sound of TV.

‘Hun-ah…’

Voice slightly hoarse, body trembling. You were ready but not really ready to make a first move. What if it will ruin your long-term friendship? What if he doesn’t feel the same way and say you shouldn’t see each other anymore? What if he will walk out of your life?

He looked you in the eyes and you in the reflex put yours down. Your heart screaming for freedom, wanting to get free from this cage made of bones. Some invisible hand tingling the insides of your stomach.

Sehun his pink, thin lips out of habit and just because you were looking, you yours – dry as desert. He was still tracing thumbs on your blush until the whole world stopped, exploding in thousands of colours and the only thing you both were feeling was hotness spreading from chest to every cell in body, being infected by endorphins. Because he kissed you. And you kissed him back. Lips ever so soft and smooth but sloppy in making their job, in embracing each other in between. Because you never kissed anyone before. And because he never kissed anyone before. He was drinking the salty taste from your lips as if it was the best bubble tea, that he loved so much, of his life. And you too tasted you own tears on his mouth, flavour soon being replaced by delightful regret you didn’t do that earlier.

Passionate, yet caring, filled with love and all the longing feelings you both kept inside for all those years.

Sehun and you. Together. It was pure happiness. The perfection. As cheesy and old fashioned as it may sound – you felt like you were halves of the same apple. A match made in heaven. With its differences and similarities. Embracing the bad and the good. Of course not every day was filled with plush and cotton. Of course you quarrelled. But you always made sure to make up quickly.

And by the age of 20, he made the sweetest of love to you.

Did I ever tell you how much I love your curves? Your s were making me crazy in second grade.

You taste so sweet.

Does it hurt much? Do you want me to stop?

Only to pound you roughly into kitchen table few weeks later.

And by the age of 25 you were devastated.

Only five years together. Even if the whole year passed you still cried. Cried to the thoughts, cried to the pictures, cried to the memories, cried to the engagement ring he left behind with a small note.

‘His liver was severely damaged. I’m so sorry. We couldn’t do anything,’ the man in green said.

‘Poor thing. So young. He probably bled out before we even arrived,’ you heard one paramedic say to the other.

‘We caught the culprits. They had this,’ the policeman handed you the box. ‘It was probably the target of robbery. They must have seen him coming out of jewellery store.’

Sehun must have been so happy. You remember being not pleased he always took extra working hours, to make more money. It was true, you weren’t the richest but you weren’t poor either. You were doing just fine. That’s why you couldn’t understand why he was overworking himself.

‘Do you… like… someone at your work?’ You asked one night when he came so late you were already in bed. Words almost choking you, limp growing in your throat.

‘Honey…’

‘Please, you can tell me. I want to know. We are together since we were born. If you got tired of me…’

Your sentence disappeared in his sweet mouth as he kissed it off your lips.

‘Why would I look at someone else when I have you right here?’ He was already hovering above you. ‘I missed you so much today.’ Thumb brushed your cheek while his other hand hooked your thigh around his hip. ‘I want you so badly,’ he whispered between kisses. ‘And I love you more with every passing day. Trust me.’

And it turned out at that time he worked his off just to secretly buy you the prettiest engagement ring.   

Dark. Everything was dark and unworthy thinking about. You felt sick, as if someone was repeatedly punching you in the stomach. It wasn’t a life without him. It was slowly dying with each passing day filled with emptiness he left behind. But you still lived. For your parents. For his parents. Secretly wanting to join him as soon as possible. Longing for his warmth tightly tangled with yours, his embrace around your body, his eyes looking into yours with love, his cute smile making you want to put him and keep in your pocket, his scent wandering in your sheets and on your clothes, his voice calling out your name, his lips kissing yours, his hands brushing your hair, his stupid jokes that made you laugh, his playfulness, his goofyness, his presence, his love, him.

And just like every night you took off the ring from your finger, put it in your hands and clasp them together in prayer. For your parents to not worry about you. For his parents, to ease their pain. For Oh Sehun who wrongfully died at young age. For yourself to stay strong for those who are still alive.

‘And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.’ (- The Chaos of Stars) You read out loud from the note that Sehun attached to the ring, tears already b in your eyes, blurring the last words.

So don’t worry. We will never be separated. I will always find my way to you. I will always find you. Because I promised – together forever.

With love, Sehun.