And just like that you were born again. Second life. Almost as if God listened to your every nights’ prayers. Rainbow after storm. Milk on your burn throat.

You didn’t know what is going on at first, when as a baby you started to grasp the pieces of memories from the past life: faces, feelings, places, when you started to catch on reality, when one of the first words you said was Sehun.

‘Sweetie, you have a really rich imagination. We know it already. But how can you say your mommy is not your mommy? That’s cruel. She is your mommy, she gave birth to you.’

‘But I remember my mommy and she doesn’t look like this. My daddy doesn’t look like you either,’ the stubborn four year old you said. ‘Where are my real parents? And where is Hunnie?’

‘She is starting with Sehun again,’ the man informed his wife and put palms on his face. ‘I don’t have strength for that.’

Of course, at first your parents thought you just heard this name from some relative and liked the sound of it so much, that you repeated it every day, in every situation, like mantra. You run into kitchen, when your mother was cooking dinner, all smiley, on still wobbly legs chanting happily Sehun. And your mother not aware of anything just repeated after you Yes, Sehun, giving a smile back. You draw some undefined shapes with different coloured crayons being held in small hand in improper way, as kids your age have a habit to, then pointed to it when your dad looked and Sehun left your mouth in no time. To which your dad also replied – Yes, Sehun. Very handsome. My little girl has talent for drawing handsome boys. Ahh, what do I do with you when you grow up? Maybe you will be famous shojo manga cartoonist. Except for this one time when parents bought you stuffed bear, trying to convince you that this is Sehun, or at least his name is. But you just shook your head. Because you knew it isn’t. You exactly remembered how he looks like and he definitely wasn’t pink toy filled with cotton wool. They even thought about giving you a baby brother with your favourite name but quickly resigned stating it was just crazy.

‘Go to your room sweetie,’ the woman said.

‘Okay. But tell me if Hunnie comes,’ you replied obediently taking steps to your room.

‘I don’t think I can handle it,’ you heard male’s voice. ‘She creeps me out. All of her stories about her past life, how before there was Hunnie so why isn’t he here now, how she prayed so much for him after he died and she is here so he should be here too. How we aren’t her parents and she remembers her family and place she lived earlier. Shinhye, this is too much,’ his voice was cracking.

‘She is just a kid. Maybe she had some dream and mistook it with reality. Maybe she watched some movie or heard the story…’

‘But why is she so stubborn with it all? Still pushing and pushing, calling out for Sehun as soon as she was born…’

‘I… I don’t know… I feel helpless…’

‘This might be harsh, but let’s go with her to the doctor, huh? Shinhye-yah, please?’

One year.

Two years.

Three years.

Five years.

Up till you were sixteen your parents were dragging you from doctor to doctor, from one specialist to another, from psychologist to psychiatrist. Running all kind of test, even the tomography, that your parents insisted on. But from medical point your brain was perfectly fine. So firstly, they were blaming it on child’s imagination, telling your parents they shouldn’t be concerned too much because it will past. That some kids are living in their imaginary worlds but grow out of it. That it sometimes is caused by harsh reality that child don’t want to live in, so it escapes to safer and more friendly imaginary life that was built by themselves. However, it appeared to not be the case with you. So they advised to come back after some time, if nothing changed.

And it changed. It got worse. Because with every passing year you got more aware about your situation – which was life without Sehun in it but filled with memories of him and undying feelings for him. So it began: starting with therapy sessions, three times a week where after some time and encouragement you started to talk about your other life - mainly about him. How you two met, what kind of person he was, how he looked like in every stage of his life, what he liked the most, what you liked the most in him, about your feelings, how you fell for him, how much you loved him, how happy you two were, how he died, how your life looked like after his departure. Every session being filled with endless talk, laugh, smiles and tears, where you went through all your life history from childhood to your own death.

However, it didn’t help. So at the age of 13 the drug therapy started: from one pill to four per day, making you feel dizzy, nauseous and depressed, pushing the last tears of your eyes. You cried yourself to sleep. You locked yourself in your room and cried. You locked yourself in bathroom and cried, going over and over again through the pain of loss of that one person you loved the most in your whole life.

At the age of sixteen there was no other option for your parents – you were mental. And as a mental person you need to stay at the hospital. After sixteen years of living like this: you mourning about your non-existent lover, crying, being depressed, yelling in despair, quarrelling that what you say is not real; they grew tired, they weren’t concerned any more. They just accepted the reality and locked you up.

As for you, after sixteen years of hearing it’s only in your head, that you made it up, you also started to think they might be right, that there is something wrong with you and it needed to be treated.

And that’s how your second life ended – being held in a mental hospital till death, because Sehun was still there. He was still fresh in your memories, just as if it all happened the day before, your feelings as real as the pills you took every day. So you couldn’t bring yourself to lie, to deny about his existence because it hurt your heart, because your wounds were still too fresh and too deep for one life to heal them.

That story actually went on for another 4 lives, until you slowly learned not to talk about Sehun and your past. Because it was the only way to walk freely and not being locked in the mental hospital. There was no “Mommy, can we buy a cake because it’s Hunnie’s birthday?”, “Daddy, do you think Hunnie will like this? I want to give to him when we finally meet.”, nor “I’m sad because today is the day when Hunnie died.”

That’s when searching era kicked in. In whatever school you were: Is here a student named Oh Sehun?, whoever you met: Do you know Oh Sehun?, where the main questions. In every way possible, be it police station, hospital or even orphanage, you tried to find him. Going even as far as to reporting him to the police as a missing person, where you gave them an accurate description and they made it to a picture, which you took with yourself and hung in every place possible. Because maybe someone who knows him will see, maybe someone who saw him will see and contact you. Maybe even he himself will see that you are searching for him, that you still remember him, that you still miss him, that you still want him. And maybe he too is trying hard to find you. No. No maybe. For sure. Because he promised. And Sehun always kept his promises.

It went on and on for another 5 or 6 lives, slowly losing its intensity, hope of seeing this face you missed the most slowly dying. Since it all went for nothing. All efforts put into trying to find him were useless. Even if thoughts about Sehun were still creeping at the back of your head. Because what if you were wrong? What if he wasn’t reborn as you did? What if he wasn’t there anymore?

So you stopped looking, trying to slowly accept the fact he won’t be by your side anymore, that you will probably suffer the loss for eternity. Or maybe there will come a life where you won’t think about him anymore, where you won’t love him anymore, where you will forget him completely. His eyes, his face, his gentle and loving touch, the sound of his voice.

That was until you met him for the first time second time. He looked different. His hair were blond and he was holding a skateboard in his hand, though you never saw him skateboarding before. But still, it was him. He was there. Safe and sound. Alive! The amount of happiness that rushed through your body couldn’t be put into any words. It was running under skin, tickling every nerve, embracing in its affectionateness. Like rays of sun in cold day, dancing beautifully on snow.

‘Sehun!’ You shouted his name in bliss, tears threatening to fall when he looked at your direction.

Soon, they blurred your view but you ran to him anyway, not caring you may trip. Arms quickly wrapped themselves around his slender body you knew so well, face buried in board chest. Oh, how you wanted to feel this warmness again.

‘It’s… you! It’s… really… you!’ you sniffled, wetting his red T-shirt. ‘You are… alive… I missed you… so much! I… thought… I will never… see you again… Hun-ah… why you made me wait… so long?’ Your crying was almost unstoppable as you hugged him tighter. He was real, you could feel it under your fingers. You weren’t imagining things. ‘I thought… I’m losing my mind… I… I…’ the sound of his heart beating strongly against his chest assuring it was flesh and bones you were holding in your embrace.

With all the tears you tried pouring your heart out, put in words all the feelings. But only after a while you realized he didn’t say a thing. He didn’t even hug you back.

‘Yo! Sehun, who’s that?’ the unfamiliar voice spoke from behind.

‘Umm… yea… right,’ you looked up since the blond guy spoke for the first time. He was as handsome as you remembered. Even the scar on his cheek was still there.

‘Did you get yourself a girlfriend without telling me?’ the other guy, probably his friend, asked in teasing tone.

What does it all mean? You were confused. Sehun didn’t say anything about you?

With one swift movement he was out of your arms.

‘Umm… yea… I will call you…’ he simply said and just went to his friend, leaving you in state of shock. Even tears weren’t falling anymore.

What was happening? You rushed after him.

‘I don’t know her. She is just some creep,’ you heard the love of your life say. Your stomach twitched unpleasantly. ‘Maybe I ed her once while I was drunk, I don’t remember. She is not even that pretty or hot so I had to be drunk.’

Your legs were weak. Too weak to make another step and chase after him. The lump in throat growing, blocking any sound from coming out.

He doesn’t love you.

He doesn’t know who you are.

The invisible hand grabbed your heart and squeezed it painfully, digging nails into it. Vision got black and all strength seemed to escape from your muscles. You just fell on your knees with tears dripping like waterfall. It was too heart breaking. It was the reality you refused to believe in. God couldn’t be so cruel to put you in this world with all the memories and feelings, giving you Sehun without the slightest trace of knowledge about your existence.

And so, you started to look for him. Again and again. Every day. To confirm. To talk to him. To remind him, because maybe your presence was buried somewhere deep inside him, but he wasn’t aware.

However, you never saw him again. Not in this life. Not even in the next one.

Why now?, you thought. Pillow already wet from salt tears. Why he had to appear in time when I thought I will be okay? Why he had to show himself when I decided to accept the world without him? Why he had to be there when I embraced my pain? Why he is making me go through all this pain again? Why can’t I find him? Why he had to show himself when I stopped looking for him?  

That’s when you realized that maybe not looking for him is the only way of meeting. Because it was him, who was supposed to find you – not the other way around.

And so, in all next lives you proceed with living as if Sehun never existed.

When you met him for the first time third time, his hair were brown. He came into the office you were working as new assistant, making your heart race with just his presence.

‘Omo, he is so handsome,’ the older woman sitting at the desk next to yours exclaimed. ‘Oh no! I didn’t do my make up properly, since I was in a rush this morning,’ the other one whined – were the first reactions from all female employees and it actually stayed that way, while all you could think about was rush to him and hug him again. But he only nod his head in your direction as welcoming, just as he did to others. Because again, he didn’t remember you.

‘Do you need help with that?’ you gathered your courage and asked one day seeing Sehun struggling with copy machine,

‘Well, I could use a hand,’ he replied and looked at you.

With whole body trembling, you took steps in his direction.

‘It sometimes gets stuck. It helps when you turn off and on the machine again,’ you informed and he scratched the back of his head, while smiling in embarrassment.

‘I’m a man and I can’t even handle the machine properly.’

‘That’s okay. You just started working. I’m sure you will learn fast everything.’

‘Thanks. Umm, listen… would you like to go on a dinner tonight?’

You almost jumped from happiness, cheeks burning with excitement.

‘S-sure. I would love to.’

For the rest of the day you were left battling on what to wear. You knew what Sehun liked on you the most. But would he also like it in this life? Not everything was the same as before, you learned by experience.

You felt like a teenage girl again. It was just such a throwback to times when you first started dating, when you started to care more what you wear around him, how you look. When butterflies were kicking in your stomach and from the moment you woke up the awaiting already stared for hour you two were about to meet.

It was like a second chance given from above, because he noticed you. And it went so quickly, it was almost unbelievable.

With fluttering heart you stood before doors to the restaurant, not being able to hold smile off your face. Your second first date with Sehun – how ridiculous that sounded, you almost laughed to yourself.

‘Um, hi. Did you wait long?’ his wonderful voice coming from the left side, brought you back to reality.

‘No, no,’ you immediately replied, trying to bit back the biggest grin, while turning to him.

That’s when your simper died. He wasn’t alone.

‘This is my fiancée, Sohyun’ Sehun pointed to the girl on his left, making your heart sink. ‘This is my friend, Jongin,’ he gestured to the gorgeous male beside him. ‘And this is the girl I wanted to introduce to you,’ he finished looking firstly at Jongin and then at you.

But you couldn’t offer anything more than half-hearted nod of head.

And through the whole dinner you weren’t biting back the smile, but swallowing the tears instead. No matter how good looking Jongin was, with his black hair perfectly styled to the side, dark skin and full lips, no matter how attractive and manly his voice sounded, no matter how nice he was and how good he tried to treat you, you just didn’t care because Sehun was already taken. And it was the only thought occupying your mind.

Sohyun was simply beautiful, appearing as kind-hearted with small gestures and light smiles she was offering Sehun. She loved him, it was transparent. And he loved her, you could see it in his eyes because they were looking at her, like they used to look at you.

It didn’t work out. Again. Not in this life.