Trudging up the path through the garden, Jongdae shifts his messenger bag around to massage his sore neck and grimaces at the throbbing pain wrecking his head right now. The memorial service that was held in the afternoon was plain to say, a disaster, what with Sehun forgetting to contact the florist beforehand and them having to scour around the area for two thousand stalks of white roses in 15 minutes and then having to put a stop to a catfight involving the wife and the secret mistress of Mr. Wu in the middle of the service. 

Even the quick session with Mrs. Wu in his office after the service seemed like a chore, nothing more than an act of pity on his part and an outlet for her unhappiness. The young widow had left with a sad smile and tears in her eyes and Jongdae has enough experience with reading between the lines to know that this is where they end.

For once, he doesn’t mind having no one to accompany him tonight because all he wants to do upon reaching home is to take a well-deserved long soak in the bathtub before collapsing on the soft sheets of his bed and snore all the way to morning.

“Mr. Kim Jongdae?”

He turns to the faint voice, not really caring to hide his annoyance but his irritation is soon replaced by surprise and curiosity when he realizes it’s the tiny male from yesterday’s morning appointment. Kim Minseok, he recalls. Probably a special somebody of a certain dead Mr. Luhan, his brain helpfully supplies.

“Oh Mr. Kim Minseok, is that right? Is there anything I can help you with?” He really tries his best to put on a bright professional smile but all he can feel is the pain drilling into his head and it must have been obvious because the small male frowns slightly in worry. 

“Are you okay, Mr. Kim?” 

“I’m fine. … It’s just a headache; I have it every other day so it’s actually not a big deal. I’ll just take some painkillers.” He should probably take one now; the pain is killing him and he can’t say another word without feeling the added pressure on his temples. 

But before he could comb through his bag for painkillers, the smaller male has grabbed hold of his wrist, leading him and pushing him down unto one of the benches in the garden. “I’ll give you a head massage, it works better than painkillers.”

Any half-hearted protest he has at the tip of his mouth melts away when he feels the small fingers adding a little pressure and moving in tiny circles on the throbbing veins at the sides of his forehead. Little by little, the drilling pain in his head recedes and his eyelids flutter close when the other adds pressure at the base of his head, moving in the same way as the fingers on his forehead. 

Silence reigns in the air as Jongdae enjoys the way the other’s fingers work their magic on him. He almost whines when he feels the touch of the fingers gone before they reappear again, this time trailing down his neck and tenderly kneading the area all the way to his shoulders. His head thrown back and tiny moans fall out of his lips as the small fingers manipulates the muscles on his shoulders, peeling away the tension and the stress hidden underneath the skin, layer by layer. 

For a moment, his body felt free of all that burdens him and the only senses that overwhelms him is the way he loses himself to the tiny male with feline eyes, full cheeks and those miraculous fingers.   

The massage stops and he slowly opens his dazed eyes to see the other smiling brightly, all gums and delight sparkling in the eyes. “Feeling better?” 

He could only nod, his vocal cords and tongue muscles too complacent to work right now. 

Kim Minseok’s bright smile loses its luminosity as his eyes falls away and Jongdae frowns slightly at the loss of the bright gummy smile. “I used to give Luhan massages too. He’s just like you, having headaches every one or two days.”

“Will you come and give me a massage every time I need one? I’ll pay you, don’t worry.” Jongdae asks playfully, half an attempt to make the other laugh, the other half a serious question.

 As expected, Kim Minseok laughs, his eyes disappearing into crescents that seems to shine down on the rest of his face, like the moon lighting up in the dark of the night. “That depends on your price.” 

(Jongdae laughs along and he thinks that this is nice, laughing along with a stranger at some stupid joke in the middle of a beautiful garden.)

“So… is there anything I can help you with, Mr. Kim? I’m pretty sure you didn’t come all the way here to give me a head massage. Even though I really appreciate it.” He asks hesitantly and immediately, Kim Minseok stops smiling and looks down at his fingers restlessly playing with the cuffs of his grey hoodie.

“A-Am I bothering you?”

“No, of course not.” 

The smaller male seems to gather enough courage from Jongdae’s answer and he looks up, looking into Jongdae’s eyes with a brave searching gaze. “I just wanted to ask whether you’re … Chen.”

At the unexpected question, Jongdae freezes and a dull ache coils at the bottom of his stomach, his mind a total mess from the various memories hitting him all at the same time. 

(“Let’s welcome Chen, the new ballad singer with a voice that will sure to melt the hearts of the nation!”

“Hello, I am Chen! Please give lot’s of support and love to me! Thank you!”

“Jongdae… you know how the company is doing now, right? There’s just not enough support for us to release another single for you. I’m really sorry.  I wish we can continue to support you, we really do but at this point of time, we can’t-”)

“Mr. Kim? Hey, Mr. Kim Jongdae?” The warmth of the tiny fingers wrapped around his trembling hands sweeps his consciousness out of the horde of unwelcomed memories. The other’s hands are small, barely able to cover his large ones, but they are steadier and more certain than his own shaking hands and he draws comfort from them.  

“Is this a bad memory for you? I’m sorry I reminded you of them.” He looks up sharply at the guilt in the hushed voice of the other and a derisive laugh seeps out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

Three years has come and gone since he has been forced to step down from the stage into the gloomy basement of the funeral home, never stopping to think about his own feelings as he runs around, trying to learn the ropes of his grandfather’s business. None of his cousins and uncles was willing to take over the business and when the singing industry made it clear that he will never have a place in it, he gladly took the chance to do something entirely different from his dreams.

He was a fast learner; after all he’s an intelligent and perceptive young man with charms practically oozing out of him, winning anybody he comes across. The business flourished under his leadership and at last, he’s able to stand tall and be proud of at least one thing in his life. 

Plenty of weeping widows, widowers and family come and go through the doors of the funeral home and he secretly scoffs at all of them, never understanding why people can’t seem to move on and get over the death of someone they loved. 

He never realizes or he’s just not willing to admit to himself that he has all along been like them, unable to move on from that one thing that haunts and traps him in its chains of memories and the familiar overwhelming feeling of rejection and failure.

Choosing to sweep everything down into a hidden corner of his heart, he masks his insecurities with a flippant attitude and a confident smirk that draws people to him and yet nobody has bothered to probe beneath his façade, to see the hidden person plagued with fears and self-doubts.

He flinches when he feels thumbs brushing away the fallen tears he didn’t even know he was shedding. 

Nobody has come close to breaking the formidable mask of Kim Jongdae. 

Until today.

“How did you know it was me?” Jongdae softly asks in a voice hoarse by the sobs and the cries wrecking his body for the past hour, keeping his watery dark-brown orbs, framed by puffy eyelids, on the streetlights.

“Luhan bought your CD. When I met you yesterday, you looked really familiar to me, especially the way you looked down, and today I was listening to you- your CD and the realization came to me.” Minseok wrings his hands together, a really bad habit that surfaces whenever he was nervous or upset about something. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was such a difficult time for you. … I just wanted to know.” 

The taller male finally tears his eyes away from the lamppost and focuses on the remorse found on the smaller male’s face. “It’s okay. It’s just that it’s been such a long time since somebody has called me by my stage name. I think you’re the only one who remembers that I was once a singer for six months, other than Baekhyun and Kyungsoo.”

“Well, if you really want to know, Luhan really loved your singing. He used to watch your performances and go “Look Minseok, this is what Korea needs! A voice like his!”. And he will play your CD for hours, singing along even when his voice cracks at your high notes; it used to drive me crazy.” 

Minseok lets out a little laugh and Jongdae couldn’t help but laugh along too; he had a few fans writing him letters but it was amusing to hear about his (one and only) fanboy from someone else. 

“He was really rooting for you. He searched around for news about your comeback everyday and when there were none, he went to your company to ask about you only to be extremely disappointed by the news that they have dropped you from their management. For the next few days, he couldn’t stop whining about how it was unfair that the music industry had let such a talent slipped away … and I had to admit, I was jealous of you.”

Minseok stops talking, an inscrutable expression crosses his countenance for a moment before his eyes take on a certain light whenever he’s talking about Luhan.

“I used to that he loved you more than he loved me. I’m not surprised if he secretly registered himself into your fanclub.”

“I never had a fanclub; my popularity rate was just too low.” Jongdae states plainly, his voice low and placid but he knows that his eyes betray the pain inside of him at his own words so he looks away.

“… I’m sorry.”

The brokenness in the smaller male’s voice tears a little at Jongdae’s heart and he rebukes himself silently, knowing that Minseok’s grieving heart must be tormented by the added guilt the other heaps on himself. Jongdae waves the apology away, sincerely hoping that the other will stop blaming himself. “Please stop apologizing. You’re not responsible for how I react to someone mentioning about my past. Besides I should really stop feeling so affect-”

“I’m sorry that I composed a lousy song for your debut.”

His head whips back so quickly that his vision swims for a moment before he is able to focus his full attention on Minseok. “You’re – You’re XM, the secretive popular composer that no one in the public has ever seen?!” 

Minseok cowers into his seat at Jongdae’s raised voice, hurrying to explain himself. “I’m sorry! Your company approached me when I was going through a really bad break-up and so I threw in whatever depressing melody I could come up and just stuffed it in Yifan’s face to stop him from pestering me. I’m sorry it had to be your debut song, I’m sorry that my song wasn’t good or catchy enough to capture the listeners for you. I am so so so sorry.”

Only Minseok’s agonizing sobs can be heard in the garden as Jongdae snaps out of his astonishment and slowly encircles his arms around the tiny frame, taking both of them by surprise. He pulls Minseok’s palms away from the tear-streaked face. “It’s hard to believe that the elusive XM is actually sitting next to me with a giant grey hoodie swallowing his tiny frame. It’s even harder to believe that he actually has such graceful eyes and squishy cheeks like the mandoos you see selling on the streets.”

Minseok stares back at him, the incredulity in his eyes not diminished by the tears watering in them. “Are you crazy?” 

(Jongdae wonders the same too.)

“Look … I don’t even blame anyone for what happened. It’s just what life throws at me and nobody says I have to be popular. Besides … I thought your composition was beautiful and I was really happy when I heard the demo. Please believe me when I say that it’s not a lousy song and I’m deeply honored that the accomplished XM will write a song for my debut.” 

He pauses, his cheeks turning pink with relief when Minseok sniffs and nods slowly. “And your cheeks are really round.” He continues while poking the other’s cheeks playfully.

Offended, Minseok swats his hand away but bubbles of unadulterated laughter breaks the silence and soon, his laughter joins in. Both of them feel the exhaustion from all the crying but they stay close to each other, not willing to let this shared moment of affinity slip away from them so easily. 

“Chen- I mean Mr. Kim? I know it’s too much to ask from you but will you do me a favor? … Will you sing at Luhan’s memorial service? I think he will really like it if you do. It makes … saying goodbye a lot easier.” Jongdae makes the mistake of looking into Minseok’s imploring eyes and suddenly he understands why Joonmyun couldn’t say no to the smaller male yesterday.

“It’s Jongdae. And I will love to.”

He really shouldn’t be mad. It’s not like he keeps to a habit of sleeping at godly normal hours, especially not with his penchant of comforting widows and widowers late at night. 

But on a night where he is beyond exhaustion, desperate for a restful night of sleep before the long working day tomorrow, his phone decides to ring just at the moment he’s about to enter dreamland. He thinks that the one up there doesn’t like him very much. Or it might be karma, he could never tell the difference between the two.

It’s 2 am in the morning and he’s not exactly sure what possesses him to answer the phone call.

“Hello. And what the do you want at 2 am? Please make sure that this isn’t a prank, you ers, or I swear I will track you down and-”

“J-Jongdae?”

Oh.

Bolting upright in his bed, his heart hammers heavier and faster with worry. “Is this Minseok? Is something wrong?” 

A thick silence hangs in the air as he waits for the other to answer him. 

Minseok clears his throat but he still sounds shaky and uncertain over the phone. “I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t be bothering you at such a time-”

“Hey hey hey, Minseok? It’s no worry, really. Is everything okay?” He grips the phone as he repeats his question. Now that he has made sure that the other isn’t in any kind of danger, his mind runs ahead of himself. This isn’t a booty call, is it? Minseok doesn’t seem the type to give booty calls to random strangers he met just a few days ago.

(Jongdae is but that really is beside the point.)

“… I-I couldn’t sleep so I was wondering whether you will- aish this is so silly, I’ll just hang up and pretend that none of this happened-”

“Minseok, if you’re not going to spill whatever that is bothering you, I’m going to storm down your house right now.”

Never mind that he doesn’t know where the smaller male lives, never mind that.

The other remains quiet, as if he’s really thinking through the possibility of a Kim Jongdae storming towards his house before speaking up again, this time so soft that Jongdae would have missed it if the phone isn’t gripped so close to his ears. “… Can you sing me to sleep?”

“What.” Jongdae’s lips curl into a small smile and he bites his lower lip to keep himself from laughing into the phone. He’s more surprised and tickled by Minseok’s adorable request but perhaps the other took his monosyllabic reply as a sign of frustration and annoyance.

“I told you this was silly! Good night Jongdae and I’m sorry for waking you up-”

“Yah, are you lying on your bed right now?”

“Yes … why?” 

“Good because my singing is going to knock the socks off your feet and I wouldn’t want you to fall and hurt your pretty little face.”

“What the are you talking about-”

“Shh, you shouldn’t be talking when I’m about to sing for you!”

“Jongdae, I’m going to hang up.”

“You won’t.”

A smile creeps unto Jongdae’s mouth when he hears Minseok’s steady breathing over the phone, instead of the disconnect tone he half expects. His vocal cords tingle with excitement and that’s when he realizes how much he actually misses singing and the sensation of surrendering to his natural instincts as his voice overflows with the sentiments and emotions of the song.

Closing his eyes, he loses himself in the lyrics of his favorite song from his mini-album and lets his natural instincts take control of his breathing, vocal cords and his heartstrings. 

“If death is nearing in ten seconds, I wish you are here
If I do forget you, I will no longer breathe
If you suddenly feel fearful, remember that I’m here
If there’s no obstacles, we wouldn’t know how to appreciate love”

As each word rolls off his tongue, he hopes and prays that Minseok will be able to hear the words he suddenly wishes he has the courage to say.

“I’ll be on my way to save you
When life goes astray
I’ll be on my way to hold you 
To kiss your tears away
And my heart will stay
Stay with you for no reason
Even if I’m away, away”

The second night this happens, Jongdae smiles widely despite his sleepiness when he sees the number displayed on his phone. He sings another song from his mini-album and again, Minseok falls asleep after the first chorus.

(“It doesn’t matter if you forget me
I’ll hold you tight when others let go of you
All because you’re the cause of my happiness
It doesn’t matter, near or far
I won’t ask for a kiss
Though when you’re cold, I wish to be your warmth

It doesn’t matter if you forget me
I will wait even when time doesn’t allow
Don’t be sad if heaven plays a joke on you
On my side, I smile with every response
You were bullied, crying on my shoulders
Turns out that’s what I’m suited for”)

On the third night, his heart thuds a little faster at 1.45 am as he silently counts the seconds to 2 am. The phone call comes and he immediately starts singing a nursery rhyme in jest, earning giggles from the other. He doesn’t know which of them fell asleep first because he wakes up in the morning to find that the call is still connected.

The night after that, Minseok doesn’t call and Jongdae doesn’t fall asleep.

The first song that Jongdae was singing to Minseok is "On My Way" by Raymond Lam and the second song is "Smiley Face" by Pakho Chau. (Again, just pretend that the songs are in Korean).