I felt nearly complete again, like from before they… left. I didn’t do my regular fan service anymore. It used to be frequent. No matter how much I loved my fans to give them fan service, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right. Not when Han Kyung was still missing from the group. He was my best friend, the one person I was closest to. We were so close that fans considered us a couple—HanChul. I liked the couple. It was cute and nearly true. We weren’t gay but we were really close to each other.

When Han Kyung left, I was surprised. I really didn’t think he would. We were so close, close enough to be related, close enough to have the same blood. I slowly got used to Han Kyung not being here. I really was hurt and seeing him come back would reopen a wound I’d nearly healed. I tweeted to him on Twitter. I messaged him constantly. I sent him texts every day. I sent letters to him in China. He never wrote back. Not once. Even though I had that habit of deleting people’s numbers off of my phone when they didn’t reply, I never deleted Han Kyung’s. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I would feel too guilty. It wasn’t really his fault. The company was being unreasonable. But he could’ve talked to us about it. But it’s Han Kyung, too much pride in himself.

Of course, everything had to go against me. I heard the door to the dorm open slowly and everyone shouted with glee. Ki Bum and I were in my room silently. He was reading while I was on my Cyworld. Ki Bum walked out to see what all of the noise was about. I heard more squealing and Dong Hae and Sung Min came into my room. “Hyung!”they screamed. “You won’t believe it!”

I sighed and got up. Once I walked into the living room, I froze and suddenly, a rough, loving, affectionate hug was wrapped around me. As much as I wanted to hug the Chinese guy back and embrace him with love, I shoved him back and yelled, “Yah! You! YOU! No calls! No response on Twitter! No messages from you! Not even a single letter! And NOW you decide to show up?!?!” I threw a pillow at him and stormed off to my room, leaving him on the verge of tears. When I got back into my room, I cried. Why do I always hide my feelings? I missed him so much and I decide to yell at him right when he gets back? What kind of a person am I? To deny my “brother” the affection that he deserved after being away for so long, and to shove him away from me when he’s the one I want to be with most? Why was I torturing myself?

I sulked around for days. I barely talked, was rarely seen, and ate very little. Little Ryeo Wookie pestered me with trying to get me to eat every day. At first he thought I didn’t like his cooking, but soon realized that I was troubled and tried all the harder to maintain my health. Dong Hae and Eun Hyuk always tried to get me to smile. “Hyung,” they’d said honestly, “it’s too dull around when you do nothing. We want to make you smile so the atmosphere goes up.” My only response to them was, “I’ll go into my room and you all can do whatever you want. That should brighten up the mood.” And I walked into my room.

Ki Bum and Lee Teuk tried to get me to say what was wrong, though I’m pretty sure they knew, but I always shook my head at them and walked away. Han Kyung was barely ever in the same room as me and we kept our distances. It broke my heart to be so far away from him. I missed him so much, but I never got up to talk to him.

Too many weeks passed by. Han Kyung came and went all the time, constantly. I wondered when he was going back to China. One day, he came into my room. I didn’t notice. I thought it was Ki Bum to come and try to get me to talk again, but the figure only stood in the doorway, waiting.

“Hyung?” It was a soft voice, hurt, sorry, hopeful. And it was a voice that I loved, couldn’t get enough of, Han Kyung’s. However much I wanted to tell him how much I care about him, how much I missed him, how much I loved him, I just yelled again. “Get out of here, you bastard! You gone for so ing long and nothing! You just show up again! Get the out of here! Get out of my room, and stop haunting me, you bastard!” And then I shoved him out the door, slamming the door in his face. I cried softly, and I think I could hear Han Kyung sobbing as well outside the door. Hearing his sobs made my tears stream all the harder down my face.

A few more weeks went by. The members had left Han Kyung and me at home by ourselves. Did they hope I’d talk to him and we’d be friends again? So quickly? Just like that? No… I wasn’t going to let them win. I sat on the couch and the TV. I felt Han Kyung sit next to me.  He suddenly grabbed my hand and laid his head in my lap, staring at my with adorable puppy eyes. I almost wanted to hug him, but I was still angry. I shoved him off of me and ran into my room, throwing the TV remote at him. He ran after me. “Hyung!” he shouted. He threw his arms around me. I pushed him away. I glared at him. “Don’t you get it, you bastard? I don’t want you here. You’re just going to leave again. Just go away.” My voice was soft, but threatening. I slapped Han Kyung across his cheek and threw him out of the room. Again, I sat behind the door and cried while he was on the opposite side doing the same.

Many more weeks went by and Han Kyung didn’t try to talk to me again. “What did you say to him?” Dong Hae asked. Again, I shook my head.

“Whatever it was,” Sung Min said, “I think you really hurt him.”

I shrugged. Good. Whatever pain I felt, let him feel, I thought.

“You can’t avoid him forever, you know,” Kyu Hyun explained. Damn smartass maknae! Can’t he keep his mouth shut and keep playing his damn PSP?

About a month or two went by and the members became all jittery and excited. For what, I have no idea. One night, all the members left, saying they were going to grocery shopping. They left Han Kyung and me at home alone again. He walked into my room. I was about to kick him out for the nth time when suddenly his arm wrapped around me and he murmured with some tears, “Please… Don’t kick me out again.”

I froze, waiting for what he’s say next. When he didn’t, I asked, “What do you want?”

“Your forgiveness, hyung~” he said quietly. He pulled away from me and sat me on the bed. “Hee Chul hyung,” he began, “I know you’ve missed me. I know you love me. I know you never meant to scream and curse at me.” I could almost feel tears on my cheeks at how well he knew me.

He continued, “I’m sorry for not talking about the lawsuit with you or any of the members. I was frustrated and tired. I missed you guys a lot while I was in China. I sometimes went to the concerts you performed in China, no matter what day or where. I missed you all so much!”

“If you missed us so much, why didn’t you send messages?” I asked, a bittersweet tone dancing on my words.

“I tried, but my letters were intercepted, my phone was locked, and my computer destroyed, and I was so busy that I didn’t have time for anything.” (*tsk tsk* excuses, excuses ^^)

There was silence for a while. My head was bowed, hiding my urge to cry. Han Kyung knelt in front of me. He lifted my face so I would look at him. “I’m so sorry, Hee Chul hyung~ I left that agency, though.”

I choked. “Why did you leave?! What’re you going to do now?” I asked. Han Kyung hugged me. “I’m going to stay by your side, Hee Chul hyung,” he whispered into my ear. I was confused, so he continued, “I rejoined SM and I’m back in Super Junior.”

I wanted to jump up in joy, but was in so much shock that the most I could do was throw my own arms around my dongsaeng, crying and laughing with joy.

He laughed. He kissed me on the forehead. “I won’t leave again, hyung,” he said. “Promise~!”

I felt something then. The shadow, the burden, and more than that, lifted out of my life. I could suddenly see everything clearly and brighter, like in our debut days. I felt lighter, happier, more alive. Right then, the old, depressed, cold-hearted, mean, moody Hee Chul died. I was new. It was a new start.

Suddenly, the other members came bursting through the door. It seems like they planned this as how Han Kyung was going to break the news to me that he was back. They screamed with glee. “Finally!” Kang In shouted. “Our great Heenim is reborn!!”

“He looks so much happier now!” Dong Hae exclaimed.

I just cried and kept hugging Han Kyung. I felt Ryeo Wook tugging at my sleeve. He and Sung Min gazed at me with cute, big, puppy eyes. “NOW you’re not gonna be mad anymore, right, hyung?” they asked.

I chuckled. “Nope.”

“Then, hyung, play Starcraft with me!” Kyu Hyun said.

I got up to tackle him and as we ran around playfully, Kyu Hyun shouted, “Hee Chul hyung! You said you wouldn’t be mad!”

“Who said I was mad?” I laughed, still chasing him.

We all laughed. I finally felt complete again. Everything felt right. Life was amazing again with ALL of my members.