Point-of-view: Kim Namjoon (Rap Monster)

Word count: 1906

Son of a—, Yoongi-hyung invited me to check out the new beat he’s working on but when I get there, PDnim tells me he left and I have just missed him. I shout angrily, scrunching up my face in exaggerated anger. “Calm down, Namjoon. He left with a basketball so he’s probably just blowing off some steam.”

“I got it, I got it. Can I at least listen to the beat?”

PD-nim nods and steps aside so I can access our recording studio. The door opens and I am immediately hit with a wave of familiarity. It’s a calming feeling, being in here. Bangtan and I have spent so many hours here, it’s become a second home to us. Sitting down at the swivel chair, I flip open Yoongi-hyung’s laptop he left behind. Only, when I open it, I find it locked with a password. I try all the obvious things before getting frustrated, combing my hair with my fingers to show it. Putting my head down, I begin laughing loudly when an idea pops into my head.

“He didn’t…” I mumble to myself as I begin typing into the password box. “T…r…i…x…” When I hit enter, his background loads up and applications begin to open and run. Shaking my head, my lips purse together as I commence my project. I drag the mouse over a green button and click the space bar to play it. What comes through the speakers is a dark beat with a deep base; the kind that makes your heart shiver. My head naturally begins bobbing with the beat, the snare standing out naturally. About half way through, I tilt my head in confusion, feeling as if something is missing from it. I write down the time so I can go over it with him later on.

After a few times of listening to the half-finished beat, I have a small post it note of parts I would like to go over with him including some lyric ideas. As I lean back in the swivel chair, I swipe open my phone to check the time. 11:11pm blinds my eyes causing me to squint almost angrily at the screen. Yoongi-hyung hasn’t messaged me or contacted me in anyway which makes me a little frustrated. My fingers quickly move over the touch screen keyboard.

[To: Yoongi Hyung] Hey man, what’s up with the beat? You coming or not?

As soon as I hit send, I hear a familiar whistling ring come from under a few pieces of paper. When I shove the scraps aside, I see his phone lying face down on the desk. “Hyung, why?” I complain loudly, thoroughly upset with Yoongi-hyungs lack of responsibility. Instead of sticking around, I shut everything off and decide to call it an early night. Throwing on my jacket, I head out into the gloomy weather where rain is just a second away, whispering sweet nothings onto the backs of our necks.

I stop when I get outside, taking a moment to put in my earbuds but not really turning the music on. Sometimes, it feels good to just have them there, almost like a comfort blanket. Tonight, I feel like just observing. I wish to see the world and not the music in my ears. Don’t get me wrong, music is everything to me. Without music, I wouldn’t be known as Rap Monster. There are times though, when I shut everything off; my music, my phone, my brain and I just tune into the world around me. It’s times like this that I get my best inspiration for my lyrics. Not that fan service bull I have to do to gain a larger variety of fans. No. This is the kind of lyrics I write that I don’t show. That are the last song on the album. The ones that come up in cyphers and small lines in songs I write.

I walk. I don’t feel like taking any kind of transit because that means I have to pay attention, and right now, all I want to do is wander. Before I do though, I quickly message Jimin to let him know I’ll be back late and not to worry. He doesn’t reply. Now that that’s settled, I hold the side button until it displays the off option. Turning it off feels as if a weight has been taken from my shoulders. I feel free. I am Kim Namjoon for the next two hours.

Again, don’t get me wrong, being Rap Monster, loved by ARMYs, is an amazing feeling but I miss me. I miss the dorky guy who just loved to sit and write rap lyrics about whatever the I want. I never liked writing lyrics about ‘love’, about ‘soulmates’ and ‘girlfriends’. That might be the fan’s cup of tea but personally, I dislike it. I’d rather blast Tomorrow out the window than Boy in Luv, no matter how successful it is. To me, Tomorrow is BTS and Boy in Luv is, well, idols.

My footsteps are calm, wandering and lost. They don’t have a particular destination, only that they must carry the brain that doesn’t exist in this current world. My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at once. It is in the present, the past and the future. I am the water droplets about to fall from the overfilled clouds who weep in anticipation. I am Kim Namjoon who had sat around a table with another guys his age and just rapped. I am someone who lives to tell my story, who lives to pick others up and who lives to teach others about how screwed up the world is.

I am not Rap Monster.

I am Kim Namjoon.

I am me.

Sometimes I forget about me in the crazy scheme of things. When I’m on stage and the crowd is cheering and singing and laughing and dancing and I’m up there and I’m screaming and performing, I forget about me. I need times like this to remember me because I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose the raw personality I had first brought to the stage. I never want to become ‘professional’, I’d rather always be a rookie because then, at least, I’d be unpredictable and well anticipated.

Deep in my thoughts, I’m unaware of where I’ve wandered until I hear the bell chime signalling a new customer. Taking a moment, I look around and feel a sense of deep nostalgia at my current surroundings. My feet took me to an old burger shop me and my underground buddies used to hang out after a performance. The place itself looks like but the burgers are one of the best things I’ve ever tasted.

I sit in our old booth, one in the back where we always ended up because we were too loud. As I wait for the waitress, the girl in the booth beside me angrily shoves papers away from her, accidentally scattering them on the floor. Her eyes fling open in surprise as she watches them fall, flinching as if they weigh a ton. She drops to her knees, frantically bringing the papers into a pile. Without really thinking, I kneel beside her and help. She is wearing a sweater so I didn’t notice the creamy brown colour of her skin until our hands brushed, “S-sorry. I just…” When I look up at her, tears dance evilly in the corners of her eyes.

Without saying anything, I finish helping her pack everything together and set them on the table. She sits back down and bows softly, her wavy hair falling out of its messy ‘I’ve been here all night’ bun. Going with it, I sit across from her which startles the girl as she looks up from her re-organizing of papers. “Yes?”

“Hungry?”

“No.”

“Two burgers it is. I’ll be right back.” I slide back out of the seat and walk up to the counter to order instead of waiting for the waitress. I’ve seen that look before. It’s the look of a self-starving college student who’s swamped with finals and papers to write. Leaning casually against it, I don’t go back to the table until I have both combos. As I place them down, I have to push a couple of papers out of the way.

“Don’t!” I jump in surprise at her sudden raised tone, “Sorry, it’s just, they’re set there in a specific order.”

Understanding, I move the papers back into place and find a narrow spot on the table to place the tray. I sit back into place and begin setting up my burger to eat. Taking a huge bite, I take a sip of the soda, studying the studying girl. She hasn’t even looked up at the food. I take the tray and place it over her papers in front of her. “Just eat, believe me, it will be easier to study if you’re not hungry.”

“I’m not hungry,” She trails off as her stomach growls loudly enough for me to hear it. Embarrassed, she picks up the burger and unwraps it delicately, “Thank you.” Her bites are small as her eyes slide back down to the papers on the table. I reach out my hand and cover them.

“Take a break, stop worrying about it and eat for a second, okay?”

She nods, swallowing heavily before taking a sip of her own drink. The girl chuckles, looking at the soda in her hand.

I stop chewing for a moment, “What?” 

“I hate sprite.”

“Namjoon.”

“Jailyn.”

It took a few more minutes but eventually I realize I’ve been seeing in colour for the last ten minutes but I don’t mention anything as she decides to finish her burger quickly to get back to her papers.

I finish my own burger, gathering the wrappers I push them aside to watch her work. “So what are you majoring in?”

“Psychology.” Jailyn barely takes a moment to answer me, pouring over her papers.

“That’s different. Like what?”

“Reading people.”

“As in being able to tell when someone is lying?”

Jailyn puts down her papers to look at me with challenging eyes that hesitate slightly when she catches my own gaze. “Tell me something about you, I dare you to lie.”

Almost taken aback, I lean my elbows on the table, meeting her stare. “My name is Kim Namjoon. I am almost twenty years old and I love to sing.”

“You’re not a singer.”

“Oh, you’re good!”

“No, I just listen to BTS.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, how about this.” My eyebrows scrunch together as I think about telling a lie.

“I know you’re lying without even opening you’re mouth.”

“How do you know?”

She taps the place in between her eyebrows, “It’s all tense right here as you’re thinking too hard. Truths are easier than lies. But keeping lies are harder than the truth.”

 “Oh yeah. Today I went to my recording studio to work with Yoongi. He was late but showed up around 11:50pm and looked exhausted but it looked like he didn’t have his basketball with him.”

 “Lie.”

“It’s not!”

“It’s a half-truth.”

“How do you know?”

“When someone is telling the truth, they don’t think about telling unnecessary bits of information. Like the fact he didn’t have his football with him.”

"Basketball."

She laughs softly, “You can’t lie to me, Namjoon.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“I dare you.” She smirks but quickly hides her face.

"How long do you got?" Titling my head, I give her an up and down before smiling slowly.