With them distracted on the couch in front of the TV I could continue cooking in peace and quiet while my thoughts were still jumbling around in my head. There was no doubt in my mind now that I felt something for Joon. He left a lingering burn each time he touched my skin, his smile would make me stare at him in a daze and his lovable, y, flirty, idiotic personality made my heart swell with emotions. Yeah there certainly wasn’t any doubt in my mind now. I was dishing up for them, when Joon tiptoed back into the kitchen; quickly hugging me from behind before I noticed him. I shrieked from the fright he gave me and tried to wiggle out of his arms to give him a thorough scolding, but he only gripped me tighter laughing in my ear. “Joonie!”, I cried, smacking at his arms around my waist. I could feel him smile, as his cheek that was pressed against mine, turned upwards. He released me, turning me around so I could face him. “Need help?”, he asked, leaning his elbows down onto the counter and watching me with his warm, brown eyes. I sighed at my fluttering heart and pushed two full plates towards him. “Sure, take these to Seungho and G.O oppa please.”

He obliged taking a plate in each hand and walked towards the others. I followed, dished plates in my hands as well. We ate in satisfied silence and I basked in their compliments they gave me.

Thunder quickly piled up the empty plates, taking mine from my hands before I could go put it in the kitchen myself. “So how about we make desert? Only fair since you made dinner”, G.O said standing up with Seungho following him. “Wait I’ll come and help”, I suggested attempting to get up myself. Joon quickly jumped up pushing me down by my shoulders so I plopped back onto the couch. “You relax here”, he grinned grabbing Mir by the wrist and rushing towards the others to the kitchen. I curled up against the side of the couch, listening with curiosity to the noise I heard from the kitchen. After a couple of minutes though G.O popped his head around the corner, an apologetic expression lining his face. “Sorry Alice... we don’t really have anything in here we can use for desert.”

I shook my head, laughing. “No worries. Coffee will do just fine.”

He smiled and disappeared again only reappearing later with the others behind him, mugs in their hands. Joon handed me mine and took his spot next to me on the couch. He rested his back against my legs while we all talked on through the night. Coffee finished, we turned to board games for fun, ending up with Charades as our final game. Joon contemplated over who he wanted to partner up with. Me or his usual partner, Mir. Giving Mir a guilty look, he slithered to my side taking my hand in his. Mir gave a gasp, rushing over to Thunder and grabbing him in a hug, showing that he wasn’t dependant on Joon at all. I laughed at his behaviour, giving him a small smile. “We can take turns”, I said nodding towards Joon. Joon and I made a great team, clicking nicely and understanding the wild gestures we made at each other. After a couple of rounds I could see Mir getting pouty from not having Joon’s undivided attention. Smiling at his saddened expression, I hopped over to Thunder taking his arm and Mir happily bounded over to Joon. I could clearly see it wasn’t just Mir that missed Joon, but the other way around as well. I watched them, a happy smile forming my face when I saw how close they were. Thunder and I were an awkward partnering to say the least. Joon and Mir and Seungho and G.O wasted us. Conveying the image or idea didn’t work if you didn’t know the person that well. Joon and Mir constantly flaunted their winnings and although it was part of the fun at first it annoyed me after a while. Being the only woman there I was probably quicker to get annoyed than the guys and Joon found this extremely amusing. His constant remarks of my and Thunder’s bad communication skills made me send him a threatening glare. Instead of scaring or cautioning him of my irritation it further amused him, making his Cheshire cat like smile appear. After another loss, Joon and Mir once again encircled us taunting us with idiotic comments. “Enough Joon”, I growled angrily, shoving his arm away that was trapping me in a circle around him and Mir. I went to the other board games, still left on the floor and started packing them up, just for something to do and to avoid his gaze. An awkward silence fell around us and I could feel their careful expressions boring into my back. When I turned slightly from my seated position I saw Seungho pushing Joon in my direction and nodding towards me with a look of utmost caution. In a way their expressions amused me. They looked at me like they thought I would explode any second. Seungho and the others shifted to the side of the room like they were readying themselves to leave.  And so they were. “Well it’s late…so were going off to bed...night Alice…Thank you for the meal it was delicious really”, Seungho said giving me a nervous smile. I smiled back warmly clearing the little frown on his forehead. “Night”, I said as all but Joon walked off to their rooms, disappearing down the hallway. Still sitting on the floor, fiddling with the now packed boxes I let silence fill the room. Joon walked over to me and kneeled down on the floor in front of me. “I’m sorry Alice…I took it too far. I was just joking around you know.”, he said earnestly leaning forward and wanting to take my hand with his. Stubbornly I turned away from him and got up, taking the board game boxes with me so I could put them away in the cabinet underneath the TV set. He followed me in silence watching as I put them away and finally came upright to face him. He laughed at my stubborn expression and crossed arms. “Hmm what can I do to put your smile back? Maybe some agyeo?”, he said smiling tauntingly before giving me a innocent look. Big baby eyes looming up at me and fluttering lashes combined with the sweetest smile, made it hard for me to resist at least a smile. Next he squished his cheeks together, pouting his perfect lips and looking up at me from underneath his lashes. He accompanied the adorable expression with a cute childlike gasp that almost made me hug him instantly. His final agyeo act proved to be too much for me. He wrapped his arms around me suddenly, swaying me in his hold like a toddler, and smiling with the innocence of a child up at me. “Fine”, I grumbled pushing him away from me. He looked at me expectantly a broad smile plastered on his lips. I couldn’t help but smile back this time, a happy smile appearing, melting my little tantrum away. “Yay!”, he cried launching me into the couch and hugging me tightly. I laughed appreciating his playfulness. His beautiful laughter chimed in my ear as he nestled his head next to mine, ruffling my hair with his one hand while the other was wrapped tightly around my waist. I breathed in the intoxicating scent of his skin and hair so close to mine. My own hands were wrapped around his waist and I moved the one to his hair, slowly letting my fingers weave through his curls. Even after the moment was over and our laughter had died down, he stayed in my arms. I started to feel uncomfortable, unsure as to why he was still holding onto me. Even if this only was a hug I felt my heart fluttering in sync with the fluttering in my stomach. A familiar pang throbbed through my heart, at the realization that the hug meant nothing unique to him. “Joon”, I said breaking the long silence. “It’s late…I have to go…” I tried wiggling out from his arms, but he gripped me tighter, whimpering softly in my ear. “Joon?”, I asked worry lacing my voice as I finally succeeded pushing him back. His eyes frightened me. Hurt and loneliness was swirling in his damp eyes. He looked like he was about to cry. His eyes pleaded with mine. “Joon what’s wrong?”, I asked frantically, cupping his face in my hands. “Don’t go…please Alice stay…”

“Joon what do you mean?”

He held onto my arms, like he was afraid I’d disappear if he let go. “Don’t leave me Alice….Just stay please…”

Concerned and confused eyes looked back into his. I looked down at his hands wrapped so tightly around my arms that his knuckles were white and he was leaving red marks on my skin. His silent desperation made me stay exactly where I was, pulling Joon closer to me again and hugging him tightly. Something had to have happened for him to be acting this way. Even if I was confused, I didn’t dare to ask. Right now my friend needed comfort and if he wanted to talk about it, he would tell me. After a long while of cradling him in my arms, I felt him stir, finally lifting his head to meet mine. I could see he was a little embarrassed, a faint blush colouring his cheeks as he looked down shyly. I smiled in encouragement, sliding my arms from his waist. “Joon…are you okay?”

He smiled back, the hurt momentarily gone from his eyes. “I’m better now, thank you Alice… I’m sorry you had to see that….I just…”

“You needed comfort, I understand that. And that’s what friends are for”, I said to him, smiling, but not missing the pang I felt as I said the word friend. He smiled warmly at me, taking my hand in his and rubbing his thumb over my skin. “I’m still not ready for you to go though”, he laughed. “More coffee?”

“Sure”, I said, watching him walk into the kitchen to make us more.

A frown formed on my forehead the second he was out of sight. Something was wrong .Something had happened. He returned a minute later with two steaming cups of delicious coffee. We sat in silence on the couch, snuggling against each other, mugs in our hands. While trying to shift into a more comfortable position Joon accidentally slid his hand up my thigh. He stopped midway, realizing what he was doing and quickly pulled his hand away. I could see from the side of his face I was facing that his cheeks and neck coloured a shade darker. I watched him with curiosity and noticed Joon only seemed to turn darker instead of the blush fading. Amused I shifted so I could face him full on. He guiltily looked away, trying to hide from my prying eyes. “Do you regret it?”, I asked bluntly.

Shocked he looked up, turning even darker than before. “W -what do you mean?”, he stammered.

“Oh I think you know”, I said pointedly, nodding towards his burning face.

He laughed nervously, but then turned silent, musing over my question.  After thoroughly contemplating he answered carefully. “No… I don’t… to me it wasn’t you… I don’t think back on it and think of it as you…but I think that’s a good thing in a way… maybe this is why this has worked out for us”, he said slowly.

I thought over his answer myself. He was right, I didn’t exactly see that guy as Joon, especially as he was now. And it truly was better that way. “You know that never would have happened in the first place if you weren’t drunk the night before that.”, I joked, laughing as I remembered his drunken stupor. He laughed with me, but suddenly his smiling face stopped dead in its tracks.

“I figure I should probably tell you…”, he began slowly. I was unsure to what he was getting at, but listened none the less. “The reason why I was drunk that night… I know I told you it was because of the whole stupid situation thing and part of it really was that but the real reason…”

My eyes widened. Was he going to tell me what happened to him? And why did he look so sad as he was talking now?

“It’s because of her…”, he said looking down at his coffee.

“Her?”, I asked with a slight bite in my voice.

“Her name’s Suzy…. We were kind of together… well that’s what I thought and then she just left… without a word… but she came back to me and told me she missed me… and I just took her back with open arms….” Joon now had silent tears falling down his cheeks and he hugged his knees closer. He looked like he was in pain. I could empathize. The pain I felt surging through my heart left me gasping for air. I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t know what to say to him. I only stared down at my coffee like it would’ve given me the relief of my pain I needed. I could feel my own tears prickling at my eyes.

“Alice”, Joon breathed, his watery eyes and lashes breaking my heart. Hurt was lining every feature of his face. “Do you know what she did then? After I had welcomed her back like the fool  I am she just left again… she left Alice! She just left me and I felt like such an idiot….”, Joon cried gripping himself around the arms and rocking slowly. “Do you know what the worst part is? I still love her… every time I see her my heart yearns for her, but she couldn’t care less… I don’t want to love her anymore Alice… I don’t… but I keep running back to her… I love her so much…”, Joon cried falling into my arms. I quickly grabbed his cup in fear of it falling over in his hands and set both our cups down on the floor. My hands cradled him against me, gripping the broken Joon tightly in my arms. He cried uncontrollably into my neck, soaking me with salty tears. I said nothing and only held him close to me. My own silent tears rolled down my cheeks and fell onto his wavy copper hair. My heart couldn’t bear the emotions that rolled within it. So much pain, that I was finding it hard to breathe. Pain and hurt from him loving another woman… a woman that wasn’t me. Pain and hurt from him only making love to me to forget about her. And pain and hurt from watching him in so much pain himself. The jealousy I felt was overwhelming as well. Where the hell did she come from?! I knew nothing about her… Joon never said anything to me! Anger was almost the worst of all my emotions. It burned through my skin making me curl my fist around Joon’s shirt. I was so angry at her! How could she do this to him?! She was hurting him so much! She was hurting my friend… the man I love… I was furious at Joon as well. Drunk or not how could he sleep with me, spewing all that bull about there was something between us? That meant nothing to him! I was just there to make him forget about her. Angry tears burned my eyes and I had to fight off the urge of shoving Joon away from me. I was of course immensely angry at myself as well. Until I realized that I was exactly like Joon. Even if he hurt me this much I’d still stay. This moment was living proof of that. Here I was still holding him in my arms, comforting the man that hurt me. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to leave him. Not while he was hurting like this. I felt sick to my stomach with the unbearable emotions twining within my body. I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone. My mind felt like it would mentally break down if I didn’t get away immediately. My attention turned back to Joon who had turned silent in my arms. I shifted him forward and saw he had fallen asleep. Dried tears were streaked across his cheeks and his nose and eyes were red. Even in his sleep he looked slightly in pain. I shook him by his shoulder until he was slightly awake, mumbling incoherent words as I helped him move from the couch to his bedroom. I tucked him in his duvet and watched him for a couple of seconds. I had no idea what I felt when I looked at him. There were too many emotions for me to identify one. I got my things and let myself out.

The second I closed my apartment door behind me I let the emotions take over my body. I fell to the ground in tears, crying uncontrollably, clasping at my chest, where I was gasping for air between cries of pain. I didn’t even think, I just cried. When my tears had finally calmed down and my breathing had slowed to little rasps of breath, I let my head rest against my door, wiping at my tear stricken face. In the distance I could hear the radio in my bedroom, humming a soft melody. I listened more intently recognizing the song as Beasts’ Virus.

“ Neo neun virus, him deulkke  hagetjji  neoman  bomyoen nan  tto  gaseum   apeu  getjji   geuraedo neol   wonhae  nan apeugo  tto apado  modeun   geol  da   il leunda   haedo”  *

I let the lyrics resonate within me and I started to cry again. Apparently I still had tears left. After a long time I finally had the strength to pull myself up, and walk over to my bed, curling into a ball and begging for sleep to come to make me momentarily forget.

*You are my virus; you make it harder on me when I look at you again. My heart will hurt. But I still want you. Even if I’m in pain after pain. Even if I might lose everything. *