FATED AND GONE

I'd like to believe that I always leave a mark. Be it temporary or permanent; in hellos and goodbyes. I think everyone does, in everyone's life. My only fear was this: forgetting that mark without even having the time to acknowledge it. Because everything I've started is slowly weakening; so is my heart.

VI.

I can't remember at what point I've decided to give me and Kris a second chance. All I know is that I'm happy that I did. I was discharged from the hospital after five days. Dr. Jeong talked to Auntie about my condition and advised her to give the medical team a call right away if something bad happens again. It's more likely now, because my condition's getting worse. As I stare at the junior girl in the mirror, there still isn't a cure for this rare case of leukemia.

"Good morning!" Chanyeol wasn't the one who came to accompany me to school but Kris. He said hi to my aunt and she smiled back at him. It must be weird to see the two of us treating each other like nothing changed, but it'd be weirder if I just give the relationship up. I know that now. That I will probably choose Kris over and over again.

"Welcome back to school!" Kris beamed as we stood in front of the gates. It's been lonely in the hospital without the books and noise that only take place in Seoul High.

I smiled at him. "Will you walk me to my class?" I never have allowed him before. And the sight of my backpack over his shoulder is also something new to see. Somehow I want him to remember how things used to be and at the same time, have us create new memories. Sometimes it still hurts to think that he can't remember anything, but I'm sure that not having him here at all would be more hurtful. I picked the better choices; the much bearable realities.

And when he replied, "Of course I will", I know that I was never wrong about trusting him again. All I can ever be was the Hannah Kim who fell in love with him.

We rode the elevator together. He walked me to first subject. He said he'll meet me at lunch time. He did all these things today, with me.

He's still my Kris Wu.

VII.

Friday after school, Kris waited for my last class to end. He was standing right outside the classroom when the bell rang. He smiled at me and asked to carry my extra books for me. I looked sideways at him, sensing something was up. "Are we going somewhere?"

He put my free arm around his. "Say we are, where would you want to go and what would you like us to do?"

Many things have changed since Kris's operation. Everytime I'm with him I no longer see the reckless Kris Wu. Sometimes I like seeing that, and sometimes I don't. He's become someone who's gentle and careful; more than I ever imagined and expected. Maybe because of the fact that the post-brain tumor Kris knows about my leukemia. In past life he didn't, that's why he didn't do the things he's doing now. Should that make me happy? Or do I want the old Kris back? The old Kris who would take me to the rain and watch as I find joy in the cold. I still haven't done loads with him. "How about watching a movie?" I suggested.

He raised an eyebrow, "Have we not done that before?"

I shook my head and he laughed.

"Tell me. Before the operation, what do we usually do? Did I ask you to ride a killer bus or surf in the waves or anything as exciting as that?"

I laughed too. This is the part of him that never left. The adventurous side. And yes, I would probably ride a killer bus or surf in strong waves if he ever ask me to do it with him. But I'm kidding myself thinking we can do that now. At times I feel tired even if all I did was stand for ten minutes. "Yes. We actually stood on the railway and waited for the train to arrive, and jumped from a fifty-storey building with nothing but jackets that turn into parachutes and converse shoes with wings." I joked.

We went to his place to watch this Korean movie 'Windstruck'. It was my first time to see Mr. and Mrs. Wu again. I didn't know if Kris told them about me being sick, but it was there when Mrs. Wu told me hello and hugged me as if she's sorry for not knowing the news earlier.

After the film, Kris stood up from the couch and told me there's something he wanted me to see. He came back bringing his physics book with him. I was not in the mood for a tutorial but he shook his head and handed me a piece of paper instead. It's a small post-it placed inside the book. "I found it the other day, and I do remember writing the lines myself but not the reason behind it. I thought maybe it has something to do with you."

I looked at the paper. Written there were my favorite lines from my favorite books. Lines by Shakespeare, Jarod Kintz, Linda Poindexter, everything. I felt the tears blinding my eyes and time took me back to those quiet moments in the library that I've shared with Kris when we were still getting to know each other. He found them. He made a way to remember every line I mentioned; every book I told him I've read. I wrapped my arms around him. All I managed to say was, "Thank you".

VIII.

What happens when you count days? You'll find that they pass-by quicker than when you didn't care. That's exactly how fast my hour was. September was colder than usual. Whenever I try to get up from bed, I can't seem to steady myself. There was the blurred vision and the pain that doesn't go away. Dr. Jeong insisted I take more meds but with lower dosages. I didn't want to see myself in the mirror, afraid to see the fear in my own eyes. I felt weak and I wasn't supposed to see this, but I know that I look pale from the outside. Leukemia is a disease of the blood. Inside, I was repeating this information to myself. How can there be battles existing within our body that we can't fight?

I stopped going to school. The hospital has become my home. I continued counting the days and today marked my sixth day of confinement. My parents called. Auntie told me they'll be coming to Seoul very soon. That was when I realized how serious my condition was. At nights I dreamed of colorful meadows and black and white scenarios on the porch with my Mom. I didn't know how long I slept in a day, but when I woke up on a Wednesday night, Chanyeol was the first person I saw. "Channie..."

He looked at me with wide eyes, suddenly putting down the magazine he's reading. "Hannah!"

"Hey," even my voice sounded different. 

"Oh my god, how are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you want to eat? Are you hungry? What do you want?"

I felt my ribcage expand when I let out a laugh. "I'm fine, Chanyeol. Stop overreacting."

He frowned at that. "Overreacting? Have you seen yourself? You've lost so much weight! You look awful, Hannah!"

I winced, but still managed to smile. "Thank you."

He rolled his eyes. "Seriously though, is there anything you need?"

There was only one thing I had in mind. "Can I borrow your watch?"

"What are you gonna do with it?"

"Just give it to me," I demanded.

 He removed the watch from his wrist and gave it to me. I stared at the minute hands for a while, until I found the courage to speak. "5 o' clock, I'm on my way home with you." I looked at him and with his watch in my hand, pointed at the hour I was specifying. "5:05, you're carrying my bag for me. 5:20, we're in your garden talking about school, friends, and other random stuff. 9 o' clock, I'm lying on bed thinking how much I enjoyed my time with you."

I've always wondered how much I owe Chanyeol. He's taken care of me since day 1, and he's still here. He held my left hand and I felt good. "I've come to appreciate not just the hours, Chanyeol. But also the minutes and the seconds. Thanks to you. I only wish...I've got more time in my hands." I finished with a tear rolling down my cheek. 

He stood up to brush away my tears with his fingers. "Hey, don't say that," he softly said. "Everything will be okay."

I wished I can believe him, but I'm too sick to even fool myself. There was no hope. Nothing.

IX.

The next day, at eight in the evening, after the nurse gave me my IV medication, Kris was sitting on my bed facing me. He was massaging my hand, as if doing so would lessen the pain I'm feeling. Our relationship was something we fought hard for. He still can't remember me and everything we've done together in the past. But what's important was that he chose me. He chose to stay with me than go out and date other girls in school. He may not love me the way the old Kris Wu did, but he loved me in this new us. "Is there something wrong?" He asked.

I wanted to tell him that there is. That all of this might be wrong one day, and all of this will soon be gone. Instead, I said, "There's one memory I want you to remember." This was the first time I'm reminding him of something he told me in the past.

"What is it?" His voice was serene.

"You told me you'd take me to prom this year," I whispered. "I don't - I don't think I can make it till prom." I exhaled a cloud of air from my lungs. It was hard not to cry now. It's like everyday there's no stopping it.

He stood up from the bed and offered me his hand. "Miss Hannah Kim, would you like to dance?" 

It was absurd that I laughed. "The nurses will go mad," I said. I have difficulty with standing now and I doubted the nurses will be happy to see that I'm not following their instruction about staying in bed.

"Who cares? I promise I won't let you fall," Kris encouraged. I liked how he said it. I liked how he can make everything so tempting.

I nodded. He carefully assisted me off the bed, making sure he's holding both of my arms and ready to carry my weight in case I fall. We had to carry the IV pole with us. I can't feel my feet. I haven't stood on them for six long days. Kris embraced me tightly so that we mold as one and I wouldn't need to worry about falling. I lay my head close to his chest and heard his heart beating. There was no music, no prom dresses, and chocolate fountains. There was only me and him, slow dancing to the sound of our heartbeats under mute stars; enclosed in this small hospital room.

"Hannah," he called.

"Mmm?"

"I'm sorry I can't remember," he said. "I'm so sorry."

I cried there in his arms. Maybe as long as I'm breathing I'll keep on forgiving him. Because eventhough he can't remember me, I will always remember him. I will remember us. Forever.

And then he said, "I love you so much."

X.

"Give it to him. I never published it in the school newspaper, but it's something I'd post if I can," I gave the paper to Sora. There were things I couldn't say to Kris. 

Sora's face was full of worry.

That was the last thing I saw.

I heard the cardiac monitor alarm goes off. My eyes begin to close.

Somehow I knew it was the end.

XI.

We can't ever begin again. Because we would only always start frail. I am not getting better. I was build to crash. I'd love and love some more, regardless of the future. But also knowing that it'll end, like everything else.

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Hello guys!! Happy September to all! Sorry for a late update. The next update will be the last chapter (and I think all of the questions you'll have after reading this will be answered on that one). Thank you for following this story! I can't ever thank you guys enough.

Shoutout to matchalatte and kleinehuang who are both my subscribers since "30days with Yi Fan". Thank you.

If you haven't read that fanfic yet, please do so :)