CHANGES AND TEARS

Note: I suggest you re-read the previous chapters (especially 'Eyes and Curves') before reading this.

XIV.

I was rushed to a bed in the emergency room. I was out of breath, my hands folding into fists. A nurse attended to me quickly and took my vital signs. Another hooked me to oxygen support via face mask. Sora was beside me, telling me to keep inhaling and exhaling, that it'll be alright. Auntie was with the doctor, I can't really hear what they're saying. Chanyeol's face was full of sweat; he's carried me all the way from the taxi to the hospital entrance. Having him as neighbor has always been an advantage to me. Slowly, the air seems to fill up my lungs again. I'll be fine, I thought. I will be.

Dr. Jeong said that I had to be confined until I'm stable. He said not to stress myself and take lots of rest. Auntie didn't leave my side. I felt much better after a few hours but I couldn't make myself sleep, afraid that I'd wake up in the same state again. My eyes were closed, but my mind was in chaos. Auntie doesn't see this because I'm safe inside my mind. I feel her hand in mine, but it didn't stop the thoughts from coming. 

I thought of high school. I thought of my parents. I thought of how I'm supposed to make everyone around me feel okay even if everything about me isn't. I thought of my fears, and how they seem to take-over me recently. I have so many. 

I thought of Kris, of how much I want to tell him about my condition. He may be in his bed with no idea that his girlfriend is in the hospital. Our relationship has just started, and I'm already nearing the end. I want to be the person to comfort him whenever he's hurting, any physical or emotional pain that's associated with having a brain tumor. I want to always smile whenever I'm with him, to always think that there's going to be a new tomorrow. I want to hold his hand and make him feel he's not alone in this battle. But I realized I also want him to do the same. For the past months it was okay to me that he's not aware of my sickness. I didn't wish to tell him because I know his treatment to me would change. But now I want him to know, because all I want right now is to see him here caring for me. I want to know how that'd feel like; your boyfriend staying the night just to make sure you're fine, that you'll sleep soundly because you know he's right there. My lips started to tremble, and even with my eyes closed, the tears were building inside. I exhale through my mouth. Everything will be okay.

XV.

I tried telling Kris in the days that followed but just like me, his condition was getting worse and I don't want what I have to say to add up to his concerns. We made through the finals together, we passed the exams and were looking forward to the summer. Until Mrs. Wu contacted me. She said that Kris wasn't feeling well and that he needed to stay home because he was scheduled for a craniectomy on a Thursday.

On the day of his confinement, I stayed by his side. He may not admit that he's scared, but I know he is. Even if he is the Kris who thinks positively about things and gets through them head on, he still is vulnerable. Tough but vulnerable.

Kris's doctors came to explain about the procedure to be done. They made sure Mrs. Wu understood every detail before asking her to sign the OR waiver. After that a nurse came in to say that he would have to insert Kris a catheter and I would have to go outside for a while to give them privacy. When I got back inside, he's got the IV line secured in Kris's hand and I was careful not to touch it. Kris told me not to worry and that he will be fine. I only agreed with him, knowing it's the response he needed to hear. 

"Lay beside me?" Kris tapped the small space in his bed. I don't think visitors are allowed to do that so I said no. Being the persistent guy that he is, he insisted once more by saying, "Just for a while?"

I removed my flats and slowly hopped into the bed beside him. He placed his arm behind my waist and lets me rest my head on his chest. The feeling was overwhelming. It was supposed to be me making him feel relaxed, but here I was, feeling like there's no one else I need to be with right now but him. I can never describe the feeling of having his arms around me. It's as if I can crumple there and be whole at the same time. I don't know what I did to even deserve to be loved this way. 

He kissed me on the forehead and that was enough to send me peacefully to sleep. Tomorrow after the operation I will tell him. 

XVI. 

It was around 2:30 in the morning when the ward nurses transferred Kris to the OR. Mrs. Wu told me she'd look after him and that I could sleep some more. 

Kris was back in his bed when I woke up at eight thirty. There was a bandage over a part of his head, covering the operation site. I pulled up the chair to place it closer to his bed. The blinds of the windows were down but sunlight was passing through the small gaps. I didn't open it because it might wake him up. I sit in silence, praying and waiting. After this, the two of us would spend the summer together. His family might go to China for a short vacation and I'd come too if he would invite me. We would laugh at fate because he's won against it. 

There was a knock on the door and it turned out to be Mr. Wong, the Wu's family driver. "Good morning, Hannah," he says as he enters.

"Good morning, Mr. Wong," I smile despite my heavy eye bugs. He was holding a plastic bag in one hand and a bouquet of white roses in the other. "Wow, those are beautiful flowers!"

"As beautiful as you," he smiles back and walks to put it on top of Kris's bedside table. That was so nice of him. Maybe Mrs. Wu asked him to buy it for her son. "How is he?" He pulls two mugs from the plastic bag and a thermostat. 

"Fine, I guess. He still hasn't awaken." 

Mr. Wong saw my hands over Kris's. I think it reminded him of something because he smiled to himself afterwards. "Young generation love," he says. "Would you like some coffee?" He offers.

"No, thanks." 

"I have to leave again to drive Mrs. Wu. She went to get clothes for Kris. I hope he's already up when we come back. Will you be all right, Hannah?"

"Yes, Mr. Wong. I'll stay until he wakes up." That was my promise to Kris last night. He wanted me to be the first person he sees when he wakes up. 

Mr. Wong left and the room was once again quiet, except when my phone vibrated. Auntie sent a text message telling me good morning and asking how things are going. I was just about to send a reply when I felt Kris's fingers move. I put the phone down and hold his hand tighter. I can only hold back my excitement for so long. Then his eyes open.

There were tons of words I wanted to say. Good morning was one of them. And it was at the very tip of my tongue when all of a sudden, Kris removed his hand from mine. First I was looking at the separation and then in his eyes. I am no longer that sophisticated art in an exhibit. What I see in his eyes was unfamiliar. I don't even think he knows that I'm this fifteen year-old sophomore student in Seoul High. What I am in his eyes now is just a random stranger, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. And I hate that reflection. For the first time, I just want my eyes away from him. The recognition was gone. It was all gone.

Because if he knew it was me, he would not have let go. He would surely have given my hand a squeeze. 

XVII.

Kris dozed off again after leaving my heart shattered. Did I expect that when he wakes up the second time he'd take my hand back? No. I didn't even want to stay there for what I know would be a second rejection. That's why when Mrs. Wu arrived, I already had my lie ready. "Good morning, Hannah! He still hasn't waken up?" She seems excited, just like how I was an hour ago. 

I was afraid that my voice would crack so I just shook my head. If Kris wakes now and sees his Mom, would he recognize her? Was it only me he can't remember? Or does he? Maybe I was only mistaken, maybe I just need to wait for him to wake up and talk to me, for confirmation. But I can't. 

"Hannah, is there something wrong?" 

I look up to meet Mrs. Wu's eyes. Mine was trembling behind tears. "Uhm...I...I'm sorry, Mrs. Wu but- Auntie...she called. She said she needed help in-

She held me in both arms. "Hannah, is everything all right?"

"Yes, yes. I just need to go home." My head was to the floor. I can say no more. 

There was hesitation. 

"Okay." She says finally. "But Hannah, I'll call you once Kris is awake. I'm sure he will ask for you." 

I nod, because that's all I can do. And her parting words were "Take care, Hannah."

XVIII.

As I was walking out the room, through the hospital hallways, down the stairs, my eyes were bawling with tears. For the past months, every time I'm alone, I think of the way Kris always looks at me. It comforts me. But now all of those times were shadowed by that one lost look from Kris's eyes hours ago. How did it happen? Why?

I was breathing through my mouth, letting the emotions out. When I knocked in our door, Auntie opens it in a snap. "Hannah, what- I thought you're in the hospital-"

And I collapse there, right in Auntie's arms. I just want it to end. I just want the tears to stop. Auntie didn't say a word; she holds me firmly. I was like broken glass scattered all over the floor; I am left in cracks to crack some more.

"Breathe, Hannah."

I did. I am.

It was past eleven when Mrs. Wu's name appeared on my phone; she was calling. I was in my room, staring at the blankness of the ceiling, blue paint against white. I let it ring for long, not knowing whether I can bear to speak to Kris's Mom. But I know that I should.

I press the answer key but say nothing. 

"Hannah?" 

"Mrs. Wu! How is he?" Even though I tried to sound clueless, my voice gave me away. The pretension was audible.

"He's awake now, and okay. But, uhm, the doctors said that Kris is suffering from a so-called selective amnesia." There was a small pause before she continued, "There are some things he can't remember."

I didn't know what to say. I just held the phone to my ear and lay there on my bed feeling tired. "They cannot say what brought about this condition but the result is either Kris will regain the memories soon or he will never."

He will never, I repeated in my head. 

Whether Mrs. Wu sensed that I was deep in thoughts, I couldn't tell. But she went on talking about a plan that I was thinking about just this morning. "Hannah, I'm thinking of taking Kris to China. His Dad happens to have some business appointments there so all three of us are going. We'll be back after summer. Don't worry, Kris will see you in June. Okay?"

"Of course, Mrs. Wu," I replied. Because I couldn't say his name, I said "I hope he recovers soon."

That's the end of it. That's the end of what supposed to be an unforgettable summer with my boyfriend. And yes, at least, it still is unforgettable. I let the phone drop from my grip to the bed covers and here I was again, trying to top regrets with reasons, and loneliness with hope.

Chanyeol and Sora both asked me how the operation go. I spent the entire summer with them; going for picnics with our families and playing honesty games. The skies were sometimes dark and grey and as much as I wished it would, it didn't rain. The days passed quickly, like hour hands in Chanyeol's watch. Now I know what he meant by labeling the hours because ever since April 21st, I couldn't make myself stop from comparing it to the last seven thousand two hundred hours I had in my sophomore year; those hours spent with Kris. 

I didn't tell my two friends and Auntie about him because I know it'll make me break down. I don't want to think about June either, because I know I'll see him then. There's a constellation of unanswered questions in my mind but I am too afraid to ask them out. For the next four weeks or so, I felt numb. A token for a chance, a chance for a change, that's the direction to which everything seems to be pointing now. And I am slowly grabbing it. I am slowly tearing each heartache further apart not because I've outgrew the pain, but because sooner or later it'll make me want to heal.

After another two weeks, I knew it was time. Time for another school year and time for a missed reunion. The alarm sets off at 6am and I mark the calendar. All of my todays will be different from now on. 

Today, I begin again. 

I.

Chanyeol arrived on my doorstep at exactly seven o'clock. His smile is truly infectious that I find myself smiling too. 

"Wow! You're a junior now!" He looks at me from head to toe as if I've aged five years.

I roll my eyes at him. "This is the year you will graduate, Park Chanyeol. Behave!" I laugh. Indeed, this is their last year in high school. If I'm lucky, I'll make it till next year and finished high school too. 

Chanyeol puts one arm around my shoulder. "Yep! I'm so excited! Are you ready?"

"Ready for what?"

"Kris texted me last night! He said he just got back from China and will be attending the first day. He called you, didn't he?" It's the first time we talked about Kris again after weeks. No, he did not call me. And no, I didn't know he's back from his vacation. 

"Yes, I'm ready." It may not be the answer that Chanyeol was expecting to hear from me but he didn't push the topic. I will see Kris today.

Everyone in school was talking about Kris. When I got into the classroom for first subject, Bom sits on the chair beside me and announces, "Kris is back! Have you talked? I saw him a while ago with Kai and Sehun. He looks great!"

These are the words that welcomed me on my first day in Seoul High as a junior student. Everywhere were full of "Hannah! Kris is back! Why aren't you with him?", "Hannah, why aren't you eating with Kris?", and "Hannah, why is Kris not approaching you? Did you two break up?" It was too much. Even Sora asked me about it. "Hannah, is there something going on between you and Kris that I don't know of?"

I lied. "He's just busy with all the warm welcome that he don't have time to talk to me." Deep inside I was hoping this is true but it isn't. Maybe this is better, that Kris doesn't remember me. This way he can go on and live like there's nothing he's missing out. And when I die, he'd probably never have to cry about it.

Sora gave me a scrutinizing look. She doesn't believe in my excuses. I want to tell her the truth but I don't know if I can. She didn't ask if I was okay but I found myself saying, "I'm fine, Sora." There's something in her stare that makes me feel guilty. There's also something in it that hurts me. The bell rings and I walk alone to Building A for calculus class. 

Once inside the elevator, I press the number three and was glad that I was alone. Until someone runs towards the closing doors to get himself in. "Wait up!"

I know that voice.

Kris Wu was inside the elevator with me. He was holding a cardboard and a basketball ball. He smiles at me before getting in front and pressing his designated floor number. I almost stopped breathing. Kris is standing just beside me. We were alone in that small elevator space. But neither of us said a word. No hi's or hello's. No sign of recognition. None at all. And then the doors open on the third floor and I step out, no matter how I wanted to stay. In past life, I would've waved at him and he would've waved back. But this is the kind of reality we have now; where I just walk away, the elevator doors close, and it takes Kris to the next two floors. Just like that.

II. 

Second day was the day we talked, after what seemed like years. It was recess and I was in the locker hall getting my chemistry book and pencil case. Someone grabs my hand just after I've closed my locker. "Kris," I say, shocked that it was him. I break a little in his touch.

"So it's true. You know me." His hair was dyed brown and combed sideward. His eyes were wary and his stance was awkward. Funny how I noticed all of this in one glance. I want to tell him that of course I know him, of course I do. 

"Everyone knows you. You're the guy who have a brain tumor." I say without meaning to. It's half-true and half-lie. 

"Had," he emphasized. He was still holding my hand and I don't know how to get away from it. "I just got back from China. Do you also know that?" I have no idea why he's asking this.

"Everyone does," I answer. He lets go of my hand. 

"Listen, I know this is weird but- I think we need to talk." In the back of my mind, I want to ask him why. Why is he here, what does he want, who does he think I am...all those questions. 

But the bell rings, and I'm reminded of that only locker hall memory I had with Kris a year ago. That part where he asked me to consider going out with him, and when he told me he didn't want me to be late for my class. I look into his eyes with longing in my own, and I want to hold his face and tell him how much I've missed him, but I turned away. "I'm sorry but I need to be in my class."

"Hannah."

I paused. He said my name. He remembers me. 

I was about to look back at him when he said another line, "It's Hannah, right?"

And I know it's just a name. It's just one out of the million things that I wish for him to remember. Still, it made me cry. He still have that effect on me. I guess he always will. 

I walk away.

III.

I wasn't feeling well in P.E. class the next day. Mr. Hyun, the volleyball coach, wanted us to do some warm-ups before playing. It's not my sport because basically, there was no sport that I'm good at. The class ran around the court, with me near the end of the line. The sun was sizzling hot and my eyes keep blinking sweat. "Look, the seniors are playing basketball!" Bom pointed behind me. Chanyeol and his classmates were on the other side of the court wearing their jerseys. Sora caught my eye and we waved at each other. 

"Okay, now. Girls fall in line to my left and boys to my right!" Mr. Hyun ordered. We followed.

The teacher divided us into four teams and...

I couldn't remember what happened afterwards. The last thing I heard was someone shouting "Kris!" and I don't know why. 

I was too far gone. 

IV.

The sun was down when I woke up in the hospital. Auntie's head was on my bed, and her hand was on top of mine. "Auntie," I called to her, testing my voice.

She looked up instantly, happy to see that I'm awake. "Hannah! Thank God you're okay!" She stood up and embraced me. I feel exhausted and cold.

"What happened?" I asked when she's settled herself on the chair again. All I can recall was running around the volleyball court and waving at Sora.

"You fainted in your P.E. class. Kris and Chanyeol brought you here the fastest they could."

"Kris?" 

"Yes. He's the one who carried you all the way here," she replied. Kris carried me? That may be the reason why I remember someone shouting his name. Everyone must have assumed that he should be the one to be called first when I fell, because everyone thinks we're still together despite the invisible treatments. "Hannah, why didn't you tell me?" Auntie's referring to Kris's amnesia. 

"I didn't know how. I felt so hurt when he woke up that Friday morning and he couldn't remember me." I go back to that day all the time. That day of lost hope and broken promises.

Auntie frowned. I don't want her to pity me, or Kris. I don't want people to know that my boyfriend has forgotten about me. "You're not the only one he doesn't remember. I was really taken aback when I came this afternoon and he didn't know who I was." She let out a small laugh. 

It wasn't supposed to be funny but I laughed along. Seriously, what's up with this amnesia thing? Did Kris forget everything and everyone that has something to do with me? Where did it all go? At what point did it stop? I mean, there were moments when he was with both me and Chanyeol like the day at the carnival. Does he remember that? If he does, was I edited from that memory while the others remained? Does he remember going on in the roller coaster with me, or does he think he rode it alone? How does the whole brain thing works? I felt a tear on my cheek.

"Hannah, don't cry. Rest is what you need right now. Don't think too much, please." Auntie wiped away my tears with a tissue. I'm badly in need of a remedy. Whatever it takes to stop my heart from weakening. I can only think of Kris and nothing more.

V.

I woke up to the sound of music. Chanyeol was in my room playing his guitar. "Chanyeol..."

"Hannah! Did I wake you up? I'm sorry," he walks to my bed and sits on it. 

"No, it's okay. I missed hearing you sing. What song were you playing?" It's been so long since the last time we bonded with his guitar and original compositions. 

"It's not finished yet. I'm writing you a song." He confessed.

I smiled at the sight of him holding onto his guitar and plucking the strings. "You are?" Chanyeol writes songs whenever he's inspired. It would be too insensitive of me to ignore his feelings but I wish to preserve the friendship. I was eleven when Chanyeol told me that he's got a crush on me. We didn't talk about it again after that. I love Chanyeol for being a soulmate; someone I can trust dearly and believe that I won't ever lose. 

He nodded. "I will finish it for you soon."

Soon was a deadline. Somehow I felt bad that he had to rush making a song just to play it for me before my end. I know he didn't mean to imply that message but it was what I thought. I laid my head on the side of his back and he played our favorite song, Baby Don't Cry.

It was my third day in the hospital when Kris visited. It was 5:45 in the clock and he was still in his school uniform when he entered the door. Auntie left us alone.

"What are you doing here?" I said, not wanting to sound harsh.

He smiled. It was the most unfair thing. He shouldn't be showing me gestures like that. He's giving me false hopes when I don't need it. "Am I not allowed to visit my girlfriend?"

My eyes widen in shock. "How'd you-" I stopped to control the tears. Then I realized, "Ah, Chanyeol told you." There was no way he would've remembered by himself. I'm not blind to see that.

He shook his head. "No, Mom did. She told me during the summer, when I was clueless of who you are."

I closed my eyes. His Mom might have really liked me for him then. I didn't expect her to do that. "You don't have to be here if you don't want to." I can't trust that he loves me now, without the memories to help him. 

"I'll stay here," he said. "I want to remember you." His words made everything worse. I can never un-love him. 

I composed myself and made up my mind. What I'm going to do will hurt me continuously but I cling to it like it's my last option. "If you can't remember me, don't. I don't want you to stress yourself. We'll start with the introductions. We'll start over again." I put up my hand. "Hi Kris. I'm Hannah Kim. I have leukemia. It's nice to meet you." 

He took it. 

It was my turn to introduce myself to him fearlessly. 

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