I have a secret.

It’s a pretty big secret that I’ve managed to keep for a little over six months now. And the secret is (drum roll please) I’m dating Jackson Wang. Okay well one other person knows about us and that’s Jinyoung a.ka. Jr. I’d love to say Jackson and I told him because we’re close but that’s not true. He. . .  found out. He’s been keeping our secret since he found out which was the very beginning. It always worried me that the others would find out. I mean Jackson and I were only dating for a week when Jr. found out. I could see the next month spreading out before me every week another member would find out. Or at least be told we were dating. But I was wrong and the three of us have kept this secret, secret.

I remember meeting Jackson. And honestly I wasn’t into his looks. Don’t get me wrong he was a good looking guy but so was everyone else in my eyes. It was his personality that got to me. A guy who can walk in the day of auditions with a smile on his face. A guy who made sure to greet everyone in the room despite our nerves and almost snappy attitudes. I marveled at the guy. I wanted more than anything to make sure if I was going to get anything out of this audition it would be our friendship. I could honestly see the future with this guy. We’d be good friends whether we made the cut or not. He settled with this guy Brian (who’s now in 5live). He was another rapper just like us. I walked over to Jackson a bit hesitant and he immediately looked up at me and smiled.

“Can I have your number?” I asked. He only stared at me at first. Looked at Brian. And stuck his hand out. I have to admit that was an odd question for someone you barely know. Brian stared at me wide eyed.

“Phone?” Jackson asked in return. I shuffled around feeling my pockets to find my phone and I did this while trying to maintain my cool composure. I pulled it out and handed it to him. He typed away. I got my phone back with another bright smile.

“Mark, right?” he asked. I nodded slowly wanting to say more. But what else could I say? He nodded back at me. Even he was at a loss for words. Brian spoke up.

“Do any of you guys want water? I’m going to get some,” he said.

“Yeah,” Jackson replied. Brian looked at me and I shook my head. Jackson looked at me, staring at first and then patted at the chair next to him. I sat down.

“So you want to be a rapper Mark?” he asked. I nodded yet again and started to hate myself over it. How can we be friends if I won’t talk?

“Yeah and you do too right?”

“Yeah,” Jackson said. He looked away for a second. “I guess that makes you my competition.” I swallowed I thought he hated me already.He laughed then, more to clear the air then the fact it was funny. He tapped my knee and grinned at me.

“It’s okay. I would love to see you debut,” he told me. And then my name was called for me to go in.

“That’s me,” I told him.

“I know. Good luck,” he winked at me. And that’s the last thing I saw before I went in.

I was shocked seeing Jackson in the trainee room the following month. We’d text each other only briefly for the past few weeks. Saying things like ‘what are you doing?’ and things along those lines. But he never told me he made it. And I was too scared to just bring it up and say I did. Because I didn’t want him upset if he hadn’t. It killed me inside to know I made it and not to know if he did. We couldn’t be friends if one of us made it. I’d be too busy with the schedule. From across the room Jackson smiled at me. As always he had someone near him. He turned back to his conversation with three guys I didn’t see the day of auditions. He talked so vividly and excitedly. He made the guys around him laugh with his slow yet loud words. And then his body movements and facial expressions were just hilarious. He talked with all of him and not just his mouth he was so different from anyone I’ve seen before. So animated and then some. I didn’t know what to do. Should I walk over and join his conversation or talk to one of the random guys around the room? There were ten of us total. As I debated what to do Brian came up to me.

“Mark?” he asked.

“Yes?” I replied.

“Ah hi. Remember me?” he asked. I nod slightly.

“You were with Jackson the last time I saw you.”

“Yeah and so were you,” he said. “Aren’t you going over there?”

“Aren’t you?” I asked. He looked over his shoulder. Looking at Jackson and smirked at me.

“Yeah.” He walked over effortlessly. I moved over as well. Jackson stopped talking and looked at me.

“I was about to come over to you,” he said. I felt my heart pound and didn’t understand why. I wasn’t exactly into guys at the tim