I didn’t know anything about the pain of seeing your loved ones lying on the ground, without breathing; in simple words, dead until I experienced it myself. I didn’t cry and I don’t want to cry. I do hate my mom sometimes because she was over protective towards me, but I swear to God, I love her. She was the part of my life and now she was gone. Forever. I will never see her again. Taehyung patted my back several times, comforting me. But, sorry Tae, I’m not okay.

I leaned over and placed my fingers below her jaw. Her skin was freezing. I don’t know why, but I checked her pulse even though I knew she was already dead. Lifeless, she looked older than usual, as if she had aged twenty years more.

                “Why?” I choked out.

When I was growing up, my mother had always seemed to have an answer to even my hardest questions. But now, for the first time, she was silent. She didn’t even open her eyes, and answer to my question. I wiped my eyes and touched my mother’s lips.

                “Mom, please speak.” I whined sadly.

There were no signs of violence, no bruises or scratches on her body, no blood. This is weird, like my mother’s death— was the work of a person. The mere thought of it made my heart race.

The woods seemed to be caving in on me, the tops of the trees circling and bending together. Images of my mom dying clouded my mind, and I felt dizzy and disoriented. I rested my head on my mother’s chest and closed my eyes, listening to the creaking of the trees and hoping that when I opened them it would be morning and the woods would be empty and filled with sunlight, and everything would be clear. Around me the cool night air blew through the branches, and I felt cold—and helpless.

Taehyung dragged me from the body, gently led me to his car. He put me in passenger seat and rubbed my hand, trying to calm me down. My mind went around and I command my eyes, not to cry. I must not cry. I muttered those words several times.

                “Emily—cry if you want to.” Taehyung said.

His voice—sounded so sincere and calm. Tears formed in my eyes, just waiting for the right time to burst. I closed my eyes; and slowly, the tears flowed down to my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands, sobbing hardly.

                “Tae—I don’t have mother now.” I mumbled.

Taehyung breathed in and wrapped his hands around my shoulders and put my face in his chest. “Emily—cry, until you feel okay.” He patted my back. I sobbed in his chest; I think his shirt was already wet with my tears.

                “I’m alone now.” I said sadly.

                “No, you still have your grandfather—and me.” He comforted me.

                “Why? Why me? Why?”

                “Because you’re a strong girl and you can get through all these.”

                “I’m not that strong, Tae.” I said, still crying.

                “You are. Believe me, you are.”

The pain; the sadness, lingering around my body and I couldn’t breathe. My chest was in pain, and I put my hands against my chest, trying to ease the pain. I felt extremely cold, Taehyung’s leather jacket was not enough to warm me up.

                “Tae—” I called him. He looked upon me with worry look. “I’m cold.”

I heard he called my name several times but I couldn’t response to it, my eyes were heavy and I tried hard to open it up, but I just can’t. He shook my body abruptly and my vision blurred as I felt my body stiffened and I couldn’t move anymore.

_________________________________________________________________________________

The day they buried my mother, I felt like wanting to dig out my mother back. I was frantically screamed until Taehyung dragged me and drove me back to house. I was lying on the floor of living room, staring at the ceiling and…crying. I never cried as this much since I was born. The feeling that I am alone in this world hit me hard, and it was hurt. I was born without father and now I lost my mom as well.

                “Emily.” My grandfather called me out.

I didn’t response to him and he took a sit beside me and playing with my hair. I forgot that I have my grandfather and Taehyung too, but it’s not same as having my own mother alive. My eyes were already swollen due to crying and I haven’t eaten for many days. Miraculously, I didn’t feel hungry at all.

I closed my eyes, willing not to cry. He sighed and shuffled to the kitchen. I heard he took out some kitchen utensils and he started to cook, maybe he wanted to give me a dinner, but sorry grandpa, I’m not in mood to eat dinner. I had lost my appetite completely since that night I realized I was an orphan. I was alone, utterly alone, and I had no idea where my life would take me, or how I would live now that my mother was dead. People filed in and out of the house, but to me they passed in a haze, resembling shadowy figures more than actual humans.

                “Emily, please eat.” He approached me with a full plate of steam chicken , mashed potato; salads and orange juice.

                “I don’t have appetite, grandpa.” I said to him, weakly.

                “You look skinny and pale. Please eat, a little. You’re still in your recovery process.”

Yes, I’m still in recovery process, to heal myself of this pain. The pain of losing someone in your life. I took a bite of chicken , just to appreciate the effort of my grandfather cooking this dinner. I saw a small smile on his face and he patted my shoulders.

                “You still have me, and I promise you I will never leave you alone.” He said.

                “I thought I was alone.” I said, burying my face in his chest. “But, I forgot that I have you.” I cried. He rubbed my back; soothing me.

                “You’ll never be alone, Emily. I promised your father to take care of you, and I will.”

Talking about father, I released myself from his embrace and wiped my tears using my shirt.

                “Who is my father?” I asked. The urge to know about him exploded i