The New Plot And Doubted Resolutions (Edited Ver.)

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~IN THE MORTAL WORLD~

3RD POV: "Aww! Hara! Seira! Slow down will 'ya! C'mon, your unnie's really HURT this time." Jessica's voice filled the room as both, Hara and Seira dabbed ointments on her now-bruised skin. "Why can't anyone of us here conjure a healing spell?!" Jessica complained aloud, causing everyone to shot her a glare. "Arasso, I'm dropping it." she said, officially closing up the topic about healing spells. JESSICA: HARA: SEIRA: "Shut up Jess and let them cure your wounds rather than you spat some more of the nonsense we HAVE to hear everyday." Myungsoo scolded in a monotone voice, making Jessica flinch a bit in her seat. "Hyung, what's gotten into you this time, huh?" He scowled at Khun, who seemed busy enough in patting his bruises with a cold compress. "You know it very well that you can't-" Before the young man could even finish, Khun snapped, "I KNOW! I KNOW! NO NEED TO SLAP IT ALL INTO MY FACE AGAIN!" He threw the compress on the floor, causing the water to spill over and the atmosphere became awkward. MYUNGSOO: "Myung-oppa, we all know you're the cool genius or something, but you know that oppa's REALLY SENSITIVE when it come to THAT TOPIC too, right?" Hara enlightened his cousin whie Seira nodded in agreement. "You know, we are all FORCED into this. Nobody wanted to cause this mess greater than it already is." Seira added. Myungsso, who loved to act cool, still wore his pokerface expression, but he was softened inside. he then went to Khun's room. "Hyung. I'm getting in." Myungsoo said in a humble tone, ready to level down his pride for his only hyung LEFT. "hey dude, sorry for that one back there. You know me." He said coolly, head resting above his arms and he laid down on the bed, trying to calm himself. "But hyung, y

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Vampirexy192 #1 Dec 9, 2015 06:44:47

Chapter 11: Oh yeah, I know I comment too much on this but I just wanna add, no need to emphasize too much on every word that seems unnecessary like you give in a bold font or capital letter and reduce the 3 period symbol. It just dragging your sentence. Probably it was a habit to put three dots at the end of sentence. xD Maybe, I assumed. It's okay, everyone make a mistake that they unconsciously did. Even me, myself ^_^ But if you still keep it, it's fine. Everyone has their own styles to write. :D

Vampirexy192 #2 Dec 9, 2015 06:39:34

Chapter 11: First of all, I want to say that the colors actually distract me. I don't mind, it was colorful indeed but I would suggest you do not use yellow color because I couldn't see the word clearly. >.> And I preferred if you name the female main character so you wouldn't have to keep it blank in all you story. Also, the thoughts of a person and the person conversation should be distinguished. Like we can tell that it was her thoughts or she was talking. People's point of view is already considered as expressing their inner minds or thoughts. Unless that person voiced out her opinion in her head loudly as if she was talking to herself. That is different. Like you use this for the "conversation" and thoughts, you can use 'this' or in italic words. Oh! Btw in Chapter 11, the protagonist brother had changed from Baro to Jinyoung? o.o What just happened? That actually confused me, I don't know if you had mistakenly written that. Moreover, it was difficult to you know telling their perspectives especially the Lee's brothers. I was rather puzzled because it seems jumbled up to me. Therefore, the flow of the story is a bit disrupted. I'm just giving my comment not because of I hate it, I just want to point out the mistakes so you can improve and become better. :D I hope you don't take any offence from this. However, the plot story was interesting like I can feel European or Victorian kind of style. Classic and vintage. Hahaha. As well as the mystery behind her amnesia and the history of their descendants. :)