Her God-ma and Bernice had gone away for a short vacation so Jessica thought she should buy Louis some supper in case he went hungry in the night.

She opened his apartment door and placed the night snacks on the dining table. She caught a glimpse of Louis and Joyce kissing passionately through the opening gap at his room door. She rapidly and quietly left the apartment and ran back to hers.

Once she closed the door of her apartment, she sunk into her couch and buried her face in her hands. Her heart felt such a sharp pain and she was crying so hard that she found it difficult to breathe. She kept telling herself what she saw was right – they were a couple so they were right to kiss each other. But that being right did not make her feel any better. She just did not know what else to do.

Louis saw the night snacks on the table and knew that Jess had popped over. "Why didn't Jess call out for me?" he thought. He proceeded to walk Joyce to her car before returning to her apartment.

He opened her apartment door and saw her sitting on the couch in the darkness. She was hugging her knees, bending her head so low and crying so hard. It pained him to see her cry so badly.

He had never hugged her. He did not know why. But, he just wanted to hold her in his arms right now and hoped to absorb whatever that was hurting her from her.

He went near to her and tried to put his arms around her but she shifted herself away from him. She could not let him come near her.

"What had happened?" he pleaded with her to tell him. But she kept her silence and she tried to control her crying.

"Did Joe do something to you?" he asked even though he knew his buddy would not have done anything to hurt Jess. She just shook her head slightly. She had managed to calm herself down considerably.

"Can you please tell me what happened?" he pleaded with her again. He felt so lost and frustrated. Why can't he read "this book" anymore? He used to be able to read her like a book. She always could not wait to share her happiness with him, and she would wear her unhappiness on her face. All he needed to do was to probe her a little and she would spill everything out. He could always tell when she was lying and when she was telling the truth. But not now, not recently, he could not get to her at all.

She could not tell him that she was hurting because he was with her best friend. She could not tell him anything. Apart from keeping her secret admiration from him, she had never hid anything from him. She tried to control her emotions. She finally stopped crying and said to him, "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'm going to sleep now."

With that, she moved like a zombie into her bedroom and she locked her door. Once she rested on her pillow, her tears just started flowing again and she could not hold them back at all. She just made sure she cried so softly so that he could not hear her for she knew he was still outside.

Three weeks ago.

Jess thought it was a good idea that her two best friends were getting along so well. They were very friendly with each other in the office and they would even go out together when she couldn’t join them. She was very busy with a year-end project. Louis would usually help her with it but Joe had been helping her this round.

It's another long working night for Jess and Joe.

"Don't you think Louis and Joyce have been behaving rather strangely these days, Jess? They were always busy and on the same nights too." Joe the-nosey-one asked.

"What are you trying to say?" Jess entertained Joe.

"Do you think they are going out together? Like a couple." Joe clarified and he watched for her reaction.

"Isn't it great then? They are so compatible." Jess replied and tried to hide her uneasiness.

"Are you sure you are okay with this?" Joe was concerned and he was not teasing her this round.

She looked at Joe and gave a nod "Yes. And, I think they would tell me if they are really going out together."

Louis had not had dinner with Jess for a long time and he kind of missed it. He missed having her putting food into his bowl. Somehow he felt fuller when he picked on her food. He decided to find out more about Jess from Joe that night. They had met for a drink.

"Hey. I've just gotten off from work. Have you been here for long?" Joe gave Louis a smack on his back and asked. "Give me a beer." he said to the bartender as he settled into a seat next to Louis.

"Not too long. Did you send Jess home? It's late." Louis asked with concern.

"Then why don't you help her? You know she has her presentation the day after. She can do with some more help." Joe told Louis off.

Louis felt guilty that he had not been helping Jess because he was dating Joyce. "Is she coping well? Has she been taking her meals? Did you send her home on those late nights?" Louis fired a string of questions at Joe.

"Why are you so concerned about Jess when you are going out with Joyce?" Joe snapped. For the first time in their years of friendship, Joe felt like hitting Louis.

Louis was stunned by Joe's question. "How did you know? Were we that obvious?" Louis questioned back.

"What are you afraid of?" Joe cooled down a little, knowing that he had gone out of line.

"Nothing. Anyway, Joyce is going tell Jess about us tonight." Louis told Joe.

"Jess," Joe wanted to tell Louis about Jess' feeling for him but he decided otherwise. "Jess is fine but tired. I'll look after her." he finally updated Louis and he seriously meant his last sentence. He was worried about how Jess would take the news.

"Hi, Jess."

"Hi, Joyce. What is it?"

"I've something to tell you." Joyce hesitated.

"What is it? It isn't like you to hesitate on what you want to say." Jess asked and continued to pour water into a glass.

"Hmmm, I'm going out with Louis. I hope you don't mind.” Joyce finally let it out. She was waiting for Jess' reply.

Jess dropped her glass and it broke into pieces when she heard Joyce.

"Jess, are you still there? Has something broke? Are you all right?" Joyce asked concernedly when Jess didn't respond and when she heard something shattered.

Jess regained her composure. "Oh. I was clumsy and have just broke a glass. I'm so happy for both of you. It's great that my best friends are together. But I'm angry that both of you had kept me in the dark." Jess tried to say it with a smile to hide her pain.

"Thank goodness that you are cool about it. Louis and I were worried that you might not like the idea that we are together. Please don't be mad at us. We did not get together too long ago. Just about two weeks."

"I'm sorry, Joyce. I got to go now. I need to clean up the broken glass." Jess excused herself. She can't bear to hear the details of their courtship.

"Okay. Catch up with you on another time then. Bye."

"Bye." Jess hung up the phone. She bended down to pick the broken pieces and she accidentally cut herself. Her heart was just like the broken glass – it's broken and bleeding. She decided it was time for the "Louis-has-a-girlfriend" routine again, but this time she was going to avoid two of her best friends.

Jess had been keeping herself busy at work. She tried to avoid Louis and Joyce whenever possible. She even stopped dropping at her God-ma and Bernice’s place. They had to go over her place to find her. Lucky for Jess, Joe had been keeping her company all this while.

Louis and Joyce had tried to meet up with Jess after that night but she was always busy. She either needed to work overtime or had errands to run. Louis was very frustrated. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to ask her what was wrong.

Jess was feeling miserable. Whenever she saw them together, it hurt her. She told herself not to feel this way, but she just couldn't get over it. She finally had enough of it. She tendered her resignation to her boss, Bobby. Bobby tried to dissuade her. When he couldn't convince her, he finally asked her to finish the project she had on hand before she go and he told her that she could take back the resignation letter any time. Jess made Bobby not to tell any one about her resignation. The only other person who knew was Joe.

Returning to the day after Louis found Jess' crying in her apartment.

Jess had stubbornly refused to tell Louis the reason behind the crying and Louis was mad at her. For the first time in their lives, they stopped talking to each other. It hurt both of them just as much but they were also just as proud.

Jess had been working doubly hard at finishing the project so that she could leave faster. Joe was reluctant to see her go but he could also see how determined she was to finish the project as soon as possible. Joe had been helping her. If he had not been buying meals for her, she would have skipped all her meals to work on the project. They had been working into the wee hours and weekends for the past weeks. She had grown thinner and there were dark circles under her eyes. She never looked so haggard before.

Joyce was concerned but Jess would shrug it off and rush off to continue with her work. Joyce could hardly spoke more than two sentences to Jess every time she tried. Joyce finally decided that she would talk to Jess after her project was over.

Louis, on the other hand, was not as patient as Joyce. He wanted to help Jess with the project but his pride was stopping him from talking to her first. He eventually stormed into Bobby’s room one day and demanded that Bobby stopped working Jess like a slave. "To hell with the project! She will die before she completes it. What idiotic deadline did you set for her?!" Louis shouted at the top of his voice at Bobby. Bobby was shocked to see such a mad Louis. He wanted to tell him that it was Jess' own will to work so hard, not his. Before he could say anything, Joe and Joyce had dragged Louis out of his office.

It was one of those late working nights when Joe’s mobile phone rang.

"Is it you, Louis? Where are you? Is there something wrong? Are you drunk?" Joe asked anxiously over the phone. He heard Louis' voice and he sounded drunk.

"Come now." Louis said and cut off the phone.

"! Where could he be?" Joe cursed.

Jess heard Joe's conversation with Louis and she was worried. "Where do you guys usually go for drinks?" Jess asked. She had never followed them for drinks because Louis always said that those places were not safe for her.

Joe immediately headed for their favourite haunt with Jess. They found a drunken Louis slumping on a couch. He was mumbling away.

"Joyce is leaving for Japan." They finally worked out what Louis was saying. Jess was hurt. She had never seen Louis drunk and so upset before. She excused herself that she was going to get Louis a wet towel.

"I don't want Jess to hate me. I miss talking to her." Louis admitted, but Jess wasn't around to hear it.

Joe and Jess had carried Louis to Jess' place because she did not want to disturb and worry her God-ma. Joe left after helping Louis to Jess' bed. That night, Louis threw up a couple of times and Jess had to clean him up each time. Jess had a hard time with the drunken Louis. When he finally slept, Jess could only glaze at his sleeping face. She wanted so much to caress his face but she was not sure if she could do so. Unexpectedly, Louis gripped hold of her hand and placed it over his heart. She was blushed even though there was no one. She just slept while sitting on the floor next to bed, with him holding her hand. It was certainly not a comfortable sleeping position, but she was contented for the moment.

Jess had left for work before Louis woke up the next day. She went straight to Bobby's office and closed the door. She sat across Bobby and asked if he was still serious that she could take back her resignation letter. Bobby was delighted to hear that but something told him there was a catch to this. He did not have to wait any longer because Jess said, "If you are serious about keeping me, can you send me to the Japan assignment? I wanted to resign because I wanted a change of environment and the posting to Japan would be a good change."

Jess was his favourite protégé. He had trained her to take over his position. He would be glad to send her to Japan but he had already offered the opportunity to Joyce when he thought Jess was leaving the company.

She knew his dilemma. "Bobby, I know you had made the offer to Joyce but I would be grateful if you could send me there instead. I promise to finish the current project before leaving for Japan in two weeks time."

"You owe me a big one this time. Do you promise to come back and help me after the assignment? No more resignation nonsense from you." Bobby asked after considering over the matter. Jess gave a certain nod and left the room.

Bobby then asked for Joyce to enter his room. Shortly after, Joyce stormed out of the room. She walked over to Jess and scolded her in front of everyone.

Jess was more hurt than embarrassed when Joyce scolded her but she continued to work on her project. "Are you all right?" Joe asked her carefully. "Yup" was all she said.

Joe closed the door of the project room and spoke to Jess gently, "You don't have to do this. You know?"

"I don’t know what you are talking about."

"Jess, you don't have to pretend in front of me. You are leaving for Japan so that Joyce can't go. You're doing this all for Louis. Is he worth it? He doesn't even know. Why don't you at least tell him how you feel so that he could make his choice? You may be surprised with his decision." Joe urged her.

Jess did not reply him. She had already made up her mind.

On the day of departure, Jess was waiting at the airport for Bernice. She had forgotten her referral letter and had asked Bernice to bring the letter to her. She finally saw someone else walking towards her. It was Louis. They looked at each other for a moment. They had many words for each other but they did not know what to say. Louis finally pulled out the letter from his jacket pocket and handed it to her. She took it from him.

"Take care of yourself and God-ma." she finally said to him and turned around to walk towards the boarding zone.

"Take care of yourself too." he said. Unknown to him, tears were streaking down her cheeks when he said that. She had hoped against all hopes that he would ask her to stay.

Louis was sitting on his bed that night.

"Brother, you are such an idiot! What makes you think that Jess had nothing better to do than to help you do your research work during her vacation? Do you seriously think that a sister would bother to brave the rain so that you get your desserts? Not only that, she bought you your favourite black sesame paste and bought herself sesame dumplings so that you could get your sesame paste with sesame dumplings. Don't you know that she likes green bean soup?" Bernice fired at her brother.

"Yes, I would love to have Joyce as my sister-in-law but not when Jess gets hurt in the process. Joyce is very pretty, ambitious and knowledgeable. And, I looked up to her. I wanted to be like her. But, I know Jess has a beautiful heart and she suits you much better." Bernice softened her tone and continued.

"Please bring Jess back. I missed her." She finally said and left the room.

Louis' mum just gave him a pat on his back and walked away, leaving Louis to his own thoughts.

He had saw Jess' box of memories when he went to take her referral letter from her dressing table drawer that afternoon. There were their photos, some CDs that he gave her on her birthdays and Christmas and the teddy bear key-chain that he won for her at a fair.

He then took out his box of memories. Compared to hers, it was much, much bigger. He opened the dusty tin cover and flipped through the contents. There were three whole bottles of paper cranes that she had folded for him when she was studying in Canada for three years. The comic books that she had hunted in the old books stores for so many afternoons. The birthday and Christmas cards that she hand-made for him. The letters that she wrote him when she was overseas. The research paper that she had helped him to complete in his honours year. The torn t-shirt that she tried to sew for him. He smiled at that memory – she just kept poking her fingers and the stitches were all crooked.

He scanned through the many other items in the box until he reached a locket. He had meant to give it to her on her nineteenth birthday. He had wanted to ask her to be his girlfriend but she announced that she was going to Canada to study. He had held back the question because he did not have confidence in a long distance relationship and he didn't want to ruin their friendship because of a failed relationship. He just didn't want to rock the boat.

He thought what he had for Jess was just a crush because he soon found himself a girlfriend after Jess left for Canada. Now that he recalled he was attracted to Miriam because she could be as wacky as Jess. They broke off shortly when he insisted of visiting Jess in Canada during his vacation than to go on holiday with her. He suddenly realised Jess had avoided him when he was with Miriam. She did not return to spend her vacation with him which was why he went there instead.

Then, he thought of Sammi. She was his second girlfriend but they broke off in two weeks record time because she had refused to let him pinch her food – she was unlike Jess. It's Jess again. He chuckled at the reason for their break-up. Jess had also "disappeared" during the two weeks. She had suddenly picked up Japanese classes when he went out with Sammi.

Joyce. What about Joyce? Did he love her? Or, was she another substitute for Jess? He thought hard for a moment and found his answer. He was going to clear things with her tomorrow. He finally knew who he really wanted to be with now and he wasn’t going messed it up again.

The memory of her walking away from him at the airport had returned to haunt him. A sense of regret came over him.

She had left.

(30.03.2007)