CHAPTER ONE
I BID THEE FAREWELL

A silent melancholy weighed heavy on the atmosphere as family and friends of the departed entered the church. Their soft gasps for air reverberated off the walls as they cried; their tissues hid their dampened cheeks and raw, crimson noses. It was still hard to accept that someone so young could be taken away from his loved ones so soon. His powerful presence filled the lives of many with such an effervescence and eternal sense of love and compassion. The way that he spoke of others was so moving and positive. He rarely put himself ahead of others, even when all of his resources were exhausted. His selflessness and immense courage was unfathomable even to those closest to him. Hyunsoo was more than a mere man; he was an angel.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” Baekhyun whispered to Chanyeol as they entered the venue.

He clung to the other’s jacket sleeve with his eyes clinched shut as they approached the altar.  

“You’ll be fine.” Chanyeol whispered, kissing Baekhyun’s forehead. “Just take a deep breath and relax.”

Baekhyun slid his fingers between Chanyeol’s and managed to open his eyes to view the body. Hyunsoo looked so peaceful and handsome in his suit and tie with his hands neatly clasped across his chest. Baekhyun’s lower lip quivered as he tried to hold back his tears. Chanyeol remained stoic and calm for his husband who was falling apart at the seams. Invisible fingers wrapped around the walls of Chanyeol’s heart and squeezed. Though he could feel the warmth of tears beneath his eyelids, he still couldn’t bring himself to break down. He just held Baekhyun close to his chest as the other muttered a short, incoherent speech to Hyunsoo. His hands gently gripped the edge of the coffin as he fell to his knees.

“Why?” Baekhyun cried out over and over as he clinched at the sharp pain in his chest.

Chanyeol quickly reached down and picked up his crying husband. He cradled the other in his arms and held him close as they made their way to their seats. At the entrance, the others arrived dressed in their neatly-pressed black suits and ties. Shades covered most of their eyes shielding them from the slew of questions about their current state. Luhan tried to pull himself together after spending most of the car ride in a fit of rage with tears streaming his cheeks. He knew that the end of the aisle was coming, and he had to see Hyunsoo’s body in that pine box.

His sudden pause caught Sehun off guard as he too stopped to look over at Luhan. Sehun could sense just how difficult this moment was for him, and he gave him some time to breathe. Luhan stood still as all the others passed him and approached the altar. He attempted to give himself a pep talk but only made matters worse. Just as his shoulders slumped forward and tears began to surface, a light touch pulled him back to reality. He turned his head to the left and met eyes with Hyunsoo’s sister Eunji.

“Thank you so much for coming, Luhan.” The gentle ease of her voice brought a small smile to his face. “Hyunsoo would have been so happy that you came.”

Luhan placed his trembling hand in hers and said, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

After they found their seat in the front pew, the pastor started to deliver his sermon for the ceremony. Sehun couldn’t hear himself think over the chorus of sniffling that took place around him. He loosened the collar of his shirt and let out a long sigh. This was the first time that he had attended this kind of event. This was the first time that he had ever lost anything. It was the most heart-wrenching experience that he ever had to endure. Watching all the people that he loved break down to their lowest level was painful. Desperately, he wished that he could provide them with some sort of comfort, but his efforts would be futile. He still tried to convince himself that he was okay when he was dying slowly on the inside. It was better to be strong than to have others see his weakness. He wished that he could say the same for Luhan who let all of his emotions flow freely. He could feel the other’s pain from the small distance that occupied the space between them. As much as Sehun wanted to reach out and touch him, his fingers only traced the wood grain on the pew beneath them in contemplation. It only made him angry to watch the teary display because he couldn’t accept his own feelings. The fight for strength was starting to weigh heavy on his heart and spirit. Sooner or later, he too would crumble beneath it all.

“And now we shall hear some final words from a dear friend of Hyunsoo.” The pastor announced looking over at Luhan.

Eunji helped Luhan walk up to the podium and comforted him with the touch of her hand. As he looked out at all the people watching him, it only made him break down more. He knew that he couldn't leave this room without giving this eulogy. It wasn't just important to him, it meant a lot to Hyunsoo's friends and family who needed his consolation.

"As I stand up here today, I can't help but to feel Hyunsoo's spirit among us." Luhan started his speech. "He wouldn't want us to mourn his death. No, not our Hyunsoo. He would want us to rejoice and celebrate what a great man that he was and all that he has accomplished. He would be so proud to see all of his friends and family coming together in his honor. In fact, he would milk this very moment for everything that it’s got.”

"It pains me to be here, knowing that I can't hear your voice, Hyunsoo. It hurts knowing that I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye." Luhan continued sniffling and wiping at the stream of tears coming from his eyes. "Know that you've truly made your mark on each and every one of our lives. Know that you will never be forgotten or a lost memory in our eyes. Know that I will always love you and there won't ever be a day where you won't be on my mind. I love you, Kim Hyunsoo. Rest peacefully, big brother."

As Luhan looked at his beloved friend's body lying in the casket, he couldn't quite keep his composure. He clung to Eunji's body trying his hardest to breathe and keep himself together. Sehun covered his tear-filled eyes with his shades and wiped at the wet remnants on his cheeks. Being here today put a lot of things into perspective for him. He was quite ashamed of the way that he had behaved. As he sat surrounded by all of this suffering, he couldn't help but mourn the loss of two people: Hyunsoo and his former self. 

When it was time to take the body to the place of burial, the boys took their rightful places on each side of the casket. They helped carry it out of the church and to the ominous, black hearse that was parked out front. Their eyes met for the first time in a while and their hardened shells softened. The unkind words that they once exchanged meant nothing now. They were all hurting.

“After the loss of my mom, I thought that nothing could hurt as bad.” Tao uttered dabbing at his swollen eyes in the car. “This is too much.”

Beside him, Yifan kept quiet with his eyes on the row of cars in front of him. He had a lot on his mind, but the odds of him sharing it were slim to none. Even though he had something to say, he kept those words to himself. They would only cut deeper into his wounds and leave him open and vulnerable for others to see. It took all the courage he had in his body to come to this funeral, especially after the last heated argument he had with Hyunsoo. He never knew that his words would sting so much now. That guilt ate at him, and no one would quite understand it not even Tao.

“People come into our lives for a reason, and once their job is done, they leave.” Yifan said softly. “Some leave sooner than others and we have to deal with that.”

Though his words were critical and felt callous against Tao’s skin, he knew that they held some validity. Everyone deals with loss in their own way, and he couldn’t expect Yifan to crack on the surface like he did. Though it would take some time, Tao knew that the other would come to terms with the pain that he was feeling on the inside in his own way.

A cloud of smoke filled the air as the group of cars drove along the gravel road leading to the cemetery. Everyone walked in a single file line to Hyunsoo’s burial spot. They passed all of the other tombstones, crying as they saw the assortment of flowers on the grave sites. Yixing held a lovely arrangement of white carnations in his hand