Calling— B2UTYFUL-ELF
╔SEVENTH HEAVEN REVIEW SHOP╗ | Open & Hiring |
B2UTYFUL-ELF.
A cAPTIVATING CAPTIVITY.
TITLE {15/15}
The title is completely captivating. I really like the anaphora in it, and when the name of the story is spoken, it sounds very well. Also, it is related in a major way to the story, and at the same time it gives only a small hint of the plot, which is convenient if you consider the fact that your story is not chaptered. It catches the attention in a very interesting way and if I saw this title while browsing through AFF, I would definitely click it.
The title is completely captivating. I really like the anaphora in it, and when the name of the story is spoken, it sounds very well. Also, it is related in a major way to the story, and at the same time it gives only a small hint of the plot, which is convenient if you consider the fact that your story is not chaptered. It catches the attention in a very interesting way and if I saw this title while browsing through AFF, I would definitely click it.
DESCRIPTION {10/10}
Your description is sweet an very poetic. I like how it starts with a small definiton and then the verses come. It's a very good combination and I find it attractive, mainly because the reader is tempted to find out how the change happened. However, I'll have to mention a small error in the definition: it mentions that the symptoms of drapetomania are "a slave that was addicted to attempting escape or escaping slavery. I think that it would be more logic if it said "addiction to attempting escape or escaping slavery" but I am unsure if this was on purpose or just an error. I didn't feel like it affected the feeling that the description gave, therefore I didn't take any points. (I added the part so it would be easier for you to check)
Your description is sweet an very poetic. I like how it starts with a small definiton and then the verses come. It's a very good combination and I find it attractive, mainly because the reader is tempted to find out how the change happened. However, I'll have to mention a small error in the definition: it mentions that the symptoms of drapetomania are "a slave that was addicted to attempting escape or escaping slavery. I think that it would be more logic if it said "addiction to attempting escape or escaping slavery" but I am unsure if this was on purpose or just an error. I didn't feel like it affected the feeling that the description gave, therefore I didn't take any points. (I added the part so it would be easier for you to check)
used to describe the "disease" in which the symptoms were
"a slave that was addicted to attempting escape or escaping slavery..."
FOREWORD{--/--}.
Since your foreword isn't related to the story, I will not grade this section. I would like to say that the trailer for your story is very well done and the first time I watched it I teared up.
PRESENTATION {9/10}
The poster and background are both perfect. I must state that I do not grade these two things and they are not part of the definitive scoring system I use. That is because I (as a graphic designer and a writer myself) know that the request are sometimes made wrongly and they are not how you wanted them.
The spacing and layout of the story are also on point. The letter size is perfect and doesn't cause any problem when reading, and the black font shows professionalism and is easy to read. The reason why I took a point from this category because of the use of capital letters. It's really uncomfortable to see those in a very well done story like yours and they are too flashy. It feels (please take this as a personal opinion with no wish to offend) like you took a highlighter and used it in your flawless text. I would recommend you to use bold when a character is screaming. It looks less flashy.
GRAMMAR {15/15}
Your grammar, nonetheless, was very precise and I liked that. There were very few errors, which weren't even major mistakes, and I think you could just double check and fix them. They were just finger mistakes of extra letters. I have nothing else to say about your grammar, because it is one of the best I've seen.
Since your foreword isn't related to the story, I will not grade this section. I would like to say that the trailer for your story is very well done and the first time I watched it I teared up.
PRESENTATION {9/10}
The poster and background are both perfect. I must state that I do not grade these two things and they are not part of the definitive scoring system I use. That is because I (as a graphic designer and a writer myself) know that the request are sometimes made wrongly and they are not how you wanted them.
The spacing and layout of the story are also on point. The letter size is perfect and doesn't cause any problem when reading, and the black font shows professionalism and is easy to read. The reason why I took a point from this category because of the use of capital letters. It's really uncomfortable to see those in a very well done story like yours and they are too flashy. It feels (please take this as a personal opinion with no wish to offend) like you took a highlighter and used it in your flawless text. I would recommend you to use bold when a character is screaming. It looks less flashy.
GRAMMAR {15/15}
Your grammar, nonetheless, was very precise and I liked that. There were very few errors, which weren't even major mistakes, and I think you could just double check and fix them. They were just finger mistakes of extra letters. I have nothing else to say about your grammar, because it is one of the best I've seen.
WRITING STYLE {34/40}
Your writing style is not easy to find. I see a bit of a poet and a bit of a speaker. Your characters are more talkers than do-ers, and you use many single line dialogues. I also noticed that you include a few disimulated actions (not that I really mind...) and small comedy scenes. I found this incredibly nice. Why? Because it's like giving y the reader a break from all the hardcore emotions-overflowing lecture (aka HEOL. Completely did that on purpose) to keep them interested in the story. I just felt like it was missing a few descriptions and actions and that made it feel like it was going a little bit too fast. The way you handled the themes of this story was very interesting and you really portrayed a brother's love in your story. At the end I felt like it was a bit too uous to me. It kind of got out of the limits that were created in their relationship
FLOW {15/20}
THe flow confused me. Sometimes it was really smooth and then it felt too fast. Like I said in the writing style section, the lack of actions may be one of the reasons why it felt like this. Sometimes using actions that consume time are a good way to link your story and make it flow better.
Your writing style is not easy to find. I see a bit of a poet and a bit of a speaker. Your characters are more talkers than do-ers, and you use many single line dialogues. I also noticed that you include a few disimulated actions (not that I really mind...) and small comedy scenes. I found this incredibly nice. Why? Because it's like giving y the reader a break from all the hardcore emotions-overflowing lecture (aka HEOL. Completely did that on purpose) to keep them interested in the story. I just felt like it was missing a few descriptions and actions and that made it feel like it was going a little bit too fast. The way you handled the themes of this story was very interesting and you really portrayed a brother's love in your story. At the end I felt like it was a bit too uous to me. It kind of got out of the limits that were created in their relationship
FLOW {15/20}
THe flow confused me. Sometimes it was really smooth and then it felt too fast. Like I said in the writing style section, the lack of actions may be one of the reasons why it felt like this. Sometimes using actions that consume time are a good way to link your story and make it flow better.
CHARACTERIZATION {20/20}
Incredible job with the characters. I could really imagine them and when I thought about them, I could visualize the things they did and how they would react to certain events. Despite seeing Kyungsoo as the most damaged character (despite of the fact that drapetomania is an illness from the pseudoscience and probably shouldn't be refered as so) I could relate to Jongin the most, because:
→ In some way or another everyone has felt like they were separated from their family or that they aren't close to them.
→ He is like any normal human being: he works, he feels sad, he gets distracted, he has friends, etc.
→His point of view is more easy of understanding and the reader can see the situations through his eyes.
PLOT {48/60}
I know it feels like a took too many points from this category, but let me explain it.
→Comprehension/Believability {10/20}
I completely feel like this is a comprehensive story and the way the plot is explained allows the reader to follow the idea, but there were a few questions that I started asking myself after reading the story, and these aspects weren't mentioned, so I can't comprehend
1) Why are they slaves? From where does the slavery idea comes from?
2) How does the goverment allows slavery, moreover, why are they part of the business inside the slave market?
3) Are they in a civilization where the freedom is conditioned?
Those three points are the "plot holes" I found in your story and make the comprehension and believability lower. Also, these three points are one of the reasons that make the story less believable and the place where they are seems fictional.
→Originality/Creativity {20/20}
I've seem the slave-master plot a few times already, but this is the first time that I see it from this position. Most of the stories that handle this tematic have the main character (slave) to fall in love with their master despite of the attitude the later has towards them, which makes it a romantized version of the slavery. But your story is different. You actually talk about the atrocity that the slaves suffered and how they felt after it. Congratulations, you actually managed to pull out an original story in a worldwide site. (Please don't read that sarcastically. I was being honest)
→Unity {18/20}
Your story is united beautifully, and I think that the reason why it didn't felt completely united was already stated before, so no need to repeat it, right?
EMOTIONAL REACTION {+5}
You made me cry. Honestly, I was sobbing really hard when Kyungsoo actually spoke like a brother to Jongin. It was a very moving moment and for that I should give you the extra points of this category. (I don't tend to cry that often. Actually, I have only cried for very few stories.)
OVERALL IMPRESSION {10/10}
I would definitely recommend this story, because it is flawless and you can completely feel the emotions that the author was aiming for. An excellent work that will not only be loved by EXO-L, but also by the general public. This is a real work of art.
TOTAL: (main - penalty + bonus)/200 x 100 = 90.5%
This is the highest total ever scored in this kind of review by me. Congratulations again! You will be featured in the main section of this shop.
(R/N: Please forgive me for being so late and updating your review so late. Like I said before, you here given a VIP pass for this shop as an apologize. If you have any questions or wish to correct me in any way (or tell me that I am a beach) contact me in the comment box and I'll reply ASAP)
Incredible job with the characters. I could really imagine them and when I thought about them, I could visualize the things they did and how they would react to certain events. Despite seeing Kyungsoo as the most damaged character (despite of the fact that drapetomania is an illness from the pseudoscience and probably shouldn't be refered as so) I could relate to Jongin the most, because:
→ In some way or another everyone has felt like they were separated from their family or that they aren't close to them.
→ He is like any normal human being: he works, he feels sad, he gets distracted, he has friends, etc.
→His point of view is more easy of understanding and the reader can see the situations through his eyes.
PLOT {48/60}
I know it feels like a took too many points from this category, but let me explain it.
→Comprehension/Believability {10/20}
I completely feel like this is a comprehensive story and the way the plot is explained allows the reader to follow the idea, but there were a few questions that I started asking myself after reading the story, and these aspects weren't mentioned, so I can't comprehend
1) Why are they slaves? From where does the slavery idea comes from?
2) How does the goverment allows slavery, moreover, why are they part of the business inside the slave market?
3) Are they in a civilization where the freedom is conditioned?
Those three points are the "plot holes" I found in your story and make the comprehension and believability lower. Also, these three points are one of the reasons that make the story less believable and the place where they are seems fictional.
→Originality/Creativity {20/20}
I've seem the slave-master plot a few times already, but this is the first time that I see it from this position. Most of the stories that handle this tematic have the main character (slave) to fall in love with their master despite of the attitude the later has towards them, which makes it a romantized version of the slavery. But your story is different. You actually talk about the atrocity that the slaves suffered and how they felt after it. Congratulations, you actually managed to pull out an original story in a worldwide site. (Please don't read that sarcastically. I was being honest)
→Unity {18/20}
Your story is united beautifully, and I think that the reason why it didn't felt completely united was already stated before, so no need to repeat it, right?
EMOTIONAL REACTION {+5}
You made me cry. Honestly, I was sobbing really hard when Kyungsoo actually spoke like a brother to Jongin. It was a very moving moment and for that I should give you the extra points of this category. (I don't tend to cry that often. Actually, I have only cried for very few stories.)
OVERALL IMPRESSION {10/10}
I would definitely recommend this story, because it is flawless and you can completely feel the emotions that the author was aiming for. An excellent work that will not only be loved by EXO-L, but also by the general public. This is a real work of art.
TOTAL: (main - penalty + bonus)/200 x 100 = 90.5%
This is the highest total ever scored in this kind of review by me. Congratulations again! You will be featured in the main section of this shop.
(R/N: Please forgive me for being so late and updating your review so late. Like I said before, you here given a VIP pass for this shop as an apologize. If you have any questions or wish to correct me in any way (or tell me that I am a beach) contact me in the comment box and I'll reply ASAP)
Apologizing again, Reekyung.
—Review by Reekyung @ Seventh Heaven Review Shop.
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