Review #25 - Calling YatLuvG
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Username:*: |
YatLuvG |
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AFF Profile Link:*: |
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Story Link:*: |
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Genre of story:*: |
Sad Romance |
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Characters involved in the story:*: |
Park Geonil (Supernova) Jeon Jiyoon (4minute) All Supernova's members Park Gahee (After School) Jung Yonghwa (Cnblue) Jonghyun (Cnblue) |
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Synopsis of the story:*: |
This story is basically about a guy named Geonil, who come back to Seoul with his family to find his childhood love. It turns out that his childhood love, Ji Yoon can't remember him. The story flows as Geonil tries everything he could to win her heart back but when he succeeded, the real conflict start to reveal itself. There is a secret that Geonil has been keeping from Ji Yoon, it was the main reason why he come back to search for her. However, that is not the only problem... When Ji Yoon declares her love for Geonil, a bigger danger is coming to haunt Geonil later... |
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Extras:: |
McChicken Steak |
Title: His Stupid Smile
Author: exoria19
Review
Title: [3/5]
To be honest, it looked average to me, really average. When I first saw the title, the impression that I got was “meh” because that was how I saw it. It looked uninteresting and it didn’t catch my attention. It didn’t seem promising. Normal. Yeah. It was normal.
Description/Foreword: [5/10]
Description… Hm, what can I say about your description? Well, I found it well written, context wise. It felt like I was reading a synopsis from the back of the book. It was written in a simple manner but what attracted me was the way that you had phased your last sentence. That got me questioning what danger lurks behind the whole idea that you have for Geonil and JiYoon. Did I like the start of you description? No, I didn’t. It was too typical. You know, guy leaves girl and comes back after a few years to search for her but she forgot who he was. You know, those typical stories. However, overall, I thought it was rather pleasurable.
Foreword wise, it was short and empty. It was like I was eating a cream puff with no cream inside. It was just plain empty. To be honest, it kind of looked redundant. So yeah but at least I know a little bit more about the title ‘His Stupid Smile’. I guess that was the only acceptable thing in your Foreword.
Plus, you had grammar mistakes in your paragraphs. Your tenses were not consistent and some of your punctuations were missing. I’ll elaborate that in the Grammar and etc. section.
Plot: [8/10]
To be completely honest, when I first started reading the story, I found the plot rather boring because there were just too many things going on, or in this case, too many characters, being introduced at the start. It was hard keeping up on who was who and what was happening because there was simply too much going on in a very boring way. Plus, I think you were trying to really draw out the picture properly for the readers before you touch on the major events. So yeah, it was super boring at the start. >.<
However, as the story progressed, I thought you did an amazing job with your whole story line. I simply adored the parts after Ji Yoon started to remember her past. At first, I felt like I was forced to read the subsequent chapters but after that, I read the next chapter because I wanted to and I was curious to see what else do you have in store for all of us.
Genius. Simply genius.
From the point you introduced the fact that Geonil had a life-threatening illness to the point where Jonghyun turned out to be the evil resident’s . You kept me on the edge of my sit! Ya! Why did you take him away from her??? *pouts*
You made me smile when I was reading towards the end because you made me eat my own words. I was expecting to give you a low score for this section but in the end, I didn’t and I’m quite happy that I didn’t because you did an amazing job for this section!
There was just enough action and suspense going on towards the end and I’m someone who loves suspense so hooray! Oh and props for having a little Mel action in your story too!
The only thing that pulled you down was your start because usually, the start of your story should be the key attraction when your readers read. If you bore them at the start, the chances of them reading the next chapter is only 5%. Most would usually just stopped reading and find another story and you wouldn’t want that.
Flow: [4/5]
It was almost impeccable. You didn’t rush anything and the suspense you had for the scary plot towards the end was just right. The only problem was the start. It was a little too draggy and that was about it.
Writing style: [4/5]
There was decent paragraphing and you actually made an effort to state whose point of view it was. I really like it when a writer makes an effort to actually ensure that her chapters are neat and not a pain to the eye.
You were really playful with your words, especially for the 2nd last chapter, when Geonil died (Oops! Spoiler! XD). You did an amazing job with your words. It was very heartfelt and a tear almost slipped out from my eye when I was reading it in class. It was really astounding! Good job on that!
However, you had a little problem with where to place your sentences when you have a dialogue. Most of the time, you confused me with your sentence because I wasn’t really clear of who was speaking.
For example,
“Just keep an eye on him. I know he is planning something now.” Jungshin just nodded to Yonghwa request.
It was Yonghwa talking to Jungshin right? It would have been better if you were to start the sentence in a new paragraph because when I first read it, I thought it was Jungshin who spoke those words to Yonghwa. Get what I mean?
It’s the same with this too.
“Mel-shi?” I gasped in surprise when I heard someone calling out my name out of sudden. Could it be that someone noticed that I was earsdropping Yonghwa’s conversation just now?
Start the next sentence, after the dialogue, in a new paragraph if it doesn’t really connect with the dialogue. By not doing so, you’ll not confuse readers like me and I apologize if I seem a little stupid to you for pointing this out but I’m just someone who doesn’t like to figure small little things like this when I’m reading. I’d rather guess who was planning to Geonil rather than to figure out who was talking etc.
Originality: [5/5]
If your story only had the Geonil dying from a disease, I would have marked you down for this but the thing was, you had many different elements in this story that totally made your story shine like a star in the end. You had your own elements being thrown inside.
Not only did you have Ji Yoon losing her memory about Geonil and Geonil being sick, you also had that Jonghyun incident that I thought was simply fantastic because it made your fiction yours and yours alone. No on would have anticipated Jonghyun being involved inside. That definitely had took me by surprise. :)
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [11/30]
You did really well for your other section but I’m afraid that I couldn’t say the same for this one. Oh god, I almost ripped my hair out when I grading this section. Your story is good but your grammar and your punctuation pulled everything down, especially your grammar.
You kept jumping tenses. One moment, you were using past tense and the next, you were using present. It wasn’t consistent and the thing was, I could see it everywhere in the 2000 words that I was grading.
Yes, usually, I’ll just take random chapters and make sure they pass the 2000 words mark before I grade this section. So yeah, you pretty much lost half of your score because of your grammar.
However, like I was saying, your tenses was all over the place and it was driving me to the brink of insanity. Remember, you need to keep your usage of tense consistent. It makes your story seem more professional and more readable, especially if you want big shot readers to read your story. Sure, there might be those readers who won’t mind your mistakes but readers like me, we would actually just close the tab and find another story. Your story’s good but it would be a pity if it were to be shunned away because of your grammar and punctuation mistakes.
Oh and speaking of your punctuation, you tend to use ‘…’ a lot. Try to avoid using it as it makes your story look informal and casual like. So yeah, please try to avoid using it unless you need it for specific purposes.
(Chapter 2)
I looked at my sister, she looks sad and worried. I want to comfort her but she just won’t look at me. We all have been sitting in the living room for about 2 hours now and I don’t even know what we are waiting for. All that I know is every single faces in this room look worried and to be honest, I hate that.
The first sentence was wrongly structured. It sounded really weird. Secondly you were jumping tenses. You were using ‘looked’ in the first sentence and the next, you started using present tense like ‘want’, ‘have’ and ‘don’t’. Usually, you would want to keep the tense consistent throughout your story.
Correct: I looked at my sister. She looked sad and worried. I wanted to comfort her but she just wouldn’t look at me. We all had been sitting in the loving room for about 2 hours now and I didn’t even knew what we were waiting for. All that I knew was that every singles face in this room looked worried and to be honest, I hated that.
“Babe? I think it’s a good idea too” Yoonhak hyung hold my sister hand and smile. He is my sister’s boyfriend, they had been together for two years now and I’m happy for them.
‘Babe? I think it’s a good idea too’. You used the wrong punctuation here. It’s supposed to be a comma because Yoonhak was calling Gahee and you missed a full stop at the end of the sentence. Once again, you jumped tenses. I’ll just assume that you’re using past tense so I’ll correct them to past tense since I couldn’t really determine whether you used more past tense or more present. It was an equal usage.
Another thing, there should be an ‘s for ‘sister’ because you’re referring to the fact that he was holding the character’s sister’s hand and try to start every new sentence after a dialogue in a new paragraph. It’ll make it look neater.
Correct: “Babe, I think it’s a good idea too.” Yoonhak hyung held my sister’s hand and smiled.
He was my sister’s boyfriend and they had been together for two years now. I was happy for them.
“Ouch, that’s hurt Sungmo!” Jihyuk look at Sungmo, he still rubbing his head. Sungmo smile to us when Jihyuk said that. He reaches out our hand and drags us to upstairs.
‘That hurts’ and not ‘that’s hurt’. There should be a comma before Sungmo. For example, “You’re not funny, Taemin!” and once more, your tense. Please, please, please keep your tense consistent. You don’t necessarily have to use past tense all the time, you can use present but just be consistent with it. That’s the important thing.
Correct: Ouch! That hurts, Sungmo!” Jihyuk looked at Sungmo, still rubbing his head.
Sungmo smiled to us when Jihyuk said that. He then reached out for our hand and dragged up upstairs.
(Chapter 6)
I turned to him and looked straight to his face
You look at someone straight into his face. Okay, I’m having a little problem with this because one of my friend said that your sentence is correct but in point of view, you only use ‘straight to his face’ if you’re scolding somebody. I’m pretty sure it’s ‘straight into his face’ if you’re looking. Hm, I’ll confirm with you this again but I’m positive that ‘straight into his face’ is right. XD
Correct: I turned to him and looked straight into his face.
I stood there silently, not uttering a single word nor to him or Ji Yoon. I feel like something tied up my tongue and prevents me from speaking anything. He step closer to us and say something to Ji Yoon, he looks angry. I know he is, I know him well enough till I can predict his act.
It’s supposed to be ‘not uttering a single word to neither him nor Ji Yoon’. Always remember this, either + or, neither + nor. They are soul mates so please don’t interchanger their fate because none of us are God :)
Oh and your tenses, again.
Correct: I stood there silently, not uttering a single to neither him nor Ji Yoon. I felt like something tied up my tangue and prevented me from speaking anything. He stepped closer to us and said something to Ji Yoon. He looked angry. I knew he was because I knew him well enough to predict his act.
“Hyung… that’s enough…” I heard Jonghyun, the one with the blue shirt and a bit taller than Yong Hwa said that. He’s pat his right hand on Yong Hwa shoulder.
When you end a sentence, you start the next word with a capital letter and your sentence structure for your supporting dialogue sentence was a little off. Tense was off too.
Correct: Hyung… That’s enough…” I heard Jonghyun, the taller lad that wore a blue shirt, said. He patted his right hand on Yong Hwa’s shoulder.
(Chapter 9)
“Well, how about your chest? Is it still hurt?” Gahee noona asked with her concern eyes. Geonil just shake his head lightly and take another slice of sandwich on the plate.
You either say ‘Does it still hurt?’ or ‘Is it still hurting?’ and Gahee nonona asked with her concern eyes? I didn’t eyes could communicate unless… She’s an alien! :O
Start the next sentence in a new paragraph and your tense.
Correct: “Well, how about your chest? Is it still hurting?” Gahee noona asked, concern in her eyes.
Geonil just shook his head lightly and took another slice of sandwich from the plate.
He stops a few steps from me and took a deep breath. Something about him bothering me from laughing, he was holding his chest with his right hand and he was sweating like crazy. I’m about to say something to him but he look up to me and smiles warmly. For a second, I forgot what i wanted to say.
Firstly, it was your tenses once again. Secondly, I don’t understand what you were trying to say when you wrote ‘Something about him bothering me from laughing’. I was lost. You mean, something bothered her from laughing? Is that actually possible? I think the sentence structure was wrong here.
Oh and it’s ‘before’ me and not ‘from’ me. I think ‘before’ is a better word to use. Before I end this, try to break up your sentence but it’s totally up to you because if I were you, I would break it up. It looks clumpy. >.<
Correct: He stopped a few steps before me and took a deep breath. Something about him bothered me and any thoughts about laughing at him disappeared. He was holding his chest with his right hand and he was sweating like crazy. I was about to say something to him but he looked up ata me and smiled warmly. For a second, I forgot what I wanted to say.
“I’m not hungry Jihyuk-ssi… and Mel is in the toilet.” As soon as I finished my sentence, Mel walks out from the toilet.
Punctuation. After a full stop, you should always start the next word with a capital letter and you messed up your tense again.
Correct: “I’m not hungry, Jihyuk-ssi… And Mel is in the toilet.” As soon as I finished my sentence, Mel walked out of the toilet.
(Chapter 27)
“Tskk… this is too quite…” I mumble alone as I pass through a few classrooms to go to the washroom at the end of the corridor. Since it is the sport festival, everyone was so busy at the gym and the field. Nobody is going to the classroom, so this place was left empty.
Punctuation. Lol, I seemed to be repeating tenses and punctuations mistakes. You misspelled ‘quite’. It’s ‘quiet’ and not ‘quite’. There’s a difference between the two words.
Besides that, remember what I told you about starting the new sentence after the dialogue in a new paragraph? Yeah. Oh and your ‘…’ too! >:/ (Lol I’m just joking with the face.)
Correct: “Tsk. This is too quiet.” I mumbled alone as I passed through a few classrooms to go to the washroom that was at the end of the corridor.
Since it was the sports festival, everyone was so busy at the gym and the filed. Nobody was going to the classrooms, so this place was left empty.
Your mistakes are very repetitive that I kind of got bored trying to correct them. I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to point the other mistakes with reference to what I had given you.
Regarding your sentence structure, one suggestion is to either send your story for beta or do what I do and read everything out loud to yourself before you publish your chapter. It works for me because I’m able to pin point my mistakes and correct it if the sentence sounds weird. So try it, if you want to, but if you’re lazy, just sent it to someone who is willing to beta it for you and you should be having a story that has no grammatical or punctuation mistakes etc. :)
If you have any problems regarding the mistakes, feel free to drop me a PM and I’ll be more than happy to help you out! ^^
Characterization/Details: [21/25]
There was ample depth for your main characters. I thought you did a great job in terms of Ji Yoon and Geonil’s character. Oh and Jonghyun’s one too! Even though he was only a minor that appeared in the end, I thought you did a great job with his rather creepy hidden personality. Haha! I think I just have a thing for psychotic characters.
However, I do feel like the minor characters in the story were lacking some spotlight. I mean, yes, you did have point of views for all the characters at times but I only knew the character they have at the surface. A little more description about them would be fine but I guess the main reason why their characteristics didn’t flourished was because you had too many characters at one go and it’s quite hard to do a proper description of each and everyone of the characters.
The details regarding the surroundings were not bad. I think it was okay because there were enough details to actually guide me to imagine the scene. The only thing I thought was a little weird was the secret place that Geonil had brought Ji Yoon too. I found the description a little to extravagant. Um, a waterfall behind a stash of bushes? It seemed like they had found the Korean version of Narnia. Haha!
Overall enjoyment: [4/5]
Didn’t enjoy it at the start but towards the end, it was really, really enjoyable. This was my first SuperNova fanfiction and I have to say, you had definitely did a good job with getting me to remember Geonil. Kekeke. I love his smile ^^
Total score: 65/100
General comments: It’s a beautiful story that really touched my heart. It was boring at first but I’m glad that I actually forced myself to continue reading the story because it was worth it.
I think if you fixed all the mistakes, especially your grammar mistakes and sentence structures, I’m pretty sure that you’ll attract more readers. Oh and try to edit the starting part a little because it’s really boring. I’m sorry but I want to be honest with you and I found that the first part was very boring x.x
Other than that, if you actually study your score, you actually did very well, especially with your plot. :)
28.01.12
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