Title: The White Princess – How Taemin Changed My Life
Author: dolitle123

Review

Title: [3/5]

It was okay. To be honest, I wasn’t really fond it because it seemed boring and cliché in a way. Then, the title that accompanied the main title kind of turned me off. It would have been better if you had the word ‘Saga’ to it so that the readers would understand that your story was actually part of a saga and that that extra sentence to your title meant something and not just some common title with a common story behind it.
Though, I did think that the title suited your story really well. I guess you’re more of a content attention grabbing kind of author. :)

Description/Foreword: [6/10]

Description wise, it was amazing. The starting was amazing. I liked how you actually didn’t start the whole thing straight into the medieval times. Instead, you had a teacher telling a historical story to her students.
I also loved how you had given a full view of the whole story without actually giving away too much. You left me wondering and wanting more. I was excited to read the story after reading your description. I was really excited for the part where she falls in love with her guardian *coughtaeminbiascough*. Haha!

However, I didn’t really dig the Foreword. I don’t like character charts or character flow. I’d rather find out what each character’s like by reading the story. I don’t like things like this being shoved down my throat. It just shows that you’re a lazy person in a way. Sorry.

Overall, it was good. It’s just your foreword that ruined about 50% of the whole thing for me. :/

Plot: [7/10]

You only had a few chapters but from the looks of it, it actually looked rather promising.
I’m curious about the stone. I mean, yes, it were considered as a portal to the Heavens but why would they need it? Were they really desperate to see God or the cool angels up there?

I simply loved how you made the Princess. As in, I loved the concept of you having only half of her face covered and that no one really knew how she looked like. I thought that was genius in many ways. Wow, they really took precautions to actually protect her. Plus, she had to be Queen at such a young age. I’m really looking forward to what she could do as a ruler and her journey towards reigning supreme. Haha!

The only flaw you had was the relationship that was bestowed upon Taemin and Hea Woo. My guts are telling me that he was going to fall in love with her but he shouldn’t because he was her guard and he was suppose to protect her and not fall in love with her. You know, the typical guard falling in love with the Princess. Forbidden Love. That was only cliché thing that I saw and could predict from your plot and I guess I was right from the first Chapter. They did fall in love and had a child. A little cliché.

However, don’t let that pull you down. You can use cliché plots but the trick is to make it original and to do that, you should put in some of the ‘you’ elements to make it different and enjoyable at the same time. :)
I’m rather curious to see what challenges are you going to put them through.

Flow: [5/5]

I liked the flow. You didn’t rush anything. You took your time to slowly develop the start. You didn’t just rush in into the whole plot. I liked you started with the teacher and the student before moving on to Amber *KYAAAAA AMBERRRR*. I thought that was really nice.

Writing style: [4/5]

It was constant. Your writing, I mean. You wrote constantly in a third’s person point of view. You made a point to actually separate the future from the past. There was decent paragraphing and you did really well to make sure that everything was neat and enjoyable to read.

Other than that, the only thing that ticked me off was this particular mistake that you did, particularly in Chapter Two.

-But, your highness… why me? I am not…
-You are the only one who can do this. I found you, still a kid in the middle of the ashes, kneeling before your dead father. You were faithful in him, and I knew someday you’d be great, like me. Maybe even better.
-Never sir. You’ll always be our best leader.
-Yes. But I will never get to be a samurai, just like you will. And if you take the assignment, it will shorten the way to your success. – The king stated, throwing a playful smirk to Taemin.

Can you tell me what’s wrong with the whole paragraph that is in red?
When you have a dialogue, you should use a proper apostrophe. You were doing superb at the start and all of a sudden, I came across this and went eh? What happened? I think that was a mistake that you overlooked so please, remember to proof read your chapters so that you’ll avoid careless mistakes like these.

Correct: “But, your Highness, why me? I am not-“

“You are the only one who can do this. I found you, still a kid in the middle of the ashes, kneeling before your dead father. You were faithful to him and I knew someday that you’d be great, like me. Maybe, even better.

Etc. Etc.

Originality: [4/5]

In terms of plot, like I said before, I found the relationship between Taemin and Hea Woo rather cliché but I have to give you props for the rest of the drama that you had prepared. I’m very, very, very, very curious about the warrior characters and how they would actually finally make an appearance in the story.
I find the whole plot rather original for I’ve yet to come across another story with a similar or exact plot so kudos! The whole stone necklace and the Princess’s identity intrigues me! So, please make the relationship between Taemin and Hea Woo awesome! Your story’s awesome, that I won’t deny. So yeah :)

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [22/30]

The major problem you had been with punctuations. One of them was regarding the apostrophes, like I mentioned above. Whenever you have dialogues, it’s a must to use apostrophes. You don’t use dashes. Nope, you don’t.

Another thing I noticed was that you used too much ‘…’. I’m not saying that you cannot use that but try to keep it to a minimum because when I was reading your story, it popped out everywhere and I know that I’m exaggerating a little but that was what I saw. I kept seeing those three fullstops everywhere and it pissed me off. You can use it, yes you can. You only use those when you want to describe hesitancy. Sometimes, I found that it was unnecessary to actually use those.

(Chapter One)

“Ok, guys… guys, please gather over here, don’t touch anything!” Ms Park said, trying to organize the group of curious teenagers, some were attentively taking notes to Park’s explanations while others were trying to touch the palace’s artifacts.

See the ‘…’? I found that unnecessary. Next, when you end with a full stop, always start the next word with a capital letter. I’m sure you’re aware of that, right? ‘And’ would be awesome in the first sentence because if you were to read the first sentence out loud, you could notice that it sounded weird. Instead of a comma after ‘curious teenagers’, try the semi-colon to explain what they were doing.
Correct: “Ok, guys. Guys, please gather over here and don’t touch anything!” Ms Prk said, trying to organize the group of curious teenagers; some were attentively taking noted to Ms Park’s explanations while others were trying to touch the palace’s artifacts.

“What’s this?” a blond teenager asked, pointing to the candles and the mannequin.

Like I said before this, when you end a sentence with punctuations like a full stop or a question mark, always, always, start the next word with a capital letter.
Correct: “What’s this?” A blond teenager asked, pointing to the candles and the mannequin.

“Yes. In that time, there was a minor war between her city and Japan. Her father cut a deal with the Japanese prince, so he invaded the city and set it on fire, destroying all their rice fields and parts of the palace. The princess however, ran away with six thousand villagers in a ship, and came to this palace, where she became a queen of a refugee kingdom.”

‘princess’ should be ‘Princess’. Why? Well, it’s because Princesses are noble people and when you deal with noble people, you should always have the first letter of those words in capital, especially when there’s a specific person that you’re referring to. Same thing goes for ‘queen’.
Correct: “Yes. In that time, there was a minor war between her city and Japan. Her father cut a deal with the Japanese Prince. So, he invaded the city and set it on fire, destroying all their rice fields and parts of the palace. The Princess, however, ran away with six thousand villagers in a ship and came to this palace, where she became a Queen of a refugee kingdom.”

(Chapter Two)

His expression was serious; a few days ago he had received a letter from his cousin, King KyungSam.

Separate the two into two separate sentences. It will sound better that way.
Correct: His expression was serious. A few days ago, he had received a letter rom his cousin, King KyungSam.

-Only you must know this but, Queen Hea Woo is the only descendant remaining of the City of Peace’s royal family. Half of Asia is trying to reach her.
-In a bad way, or a good way? – asked Taemin, still with his head down.

Remember the apostrophes, okay?
I found the ‘but’ in the first sentence rather redundant. What do you mean by only Taemin should know that but Queen Hea Woo blah blah blah? If you were to read the sentences out loud, it would sound weird. Ditch the ‘but’ and put a full stop.
Correct: “Only you must know this. Queen Hea Woo is the only descendant of City of Peace’s royal family that’s left. Half of Asia is trying to reach her.”

“In a bad way or a good way?” Asked Taemin, still with his head down.

The rest of your mistakes are repetitive. Like what I usually tell the rest of the authors who asked me for a review, try to read the chapter out loud before you post them out. That’s how I proofread my chapters to ensure that it doesn’t really have mistakes. Usually, when there’s a mistake in a sentence, you’ll able to hear it out loud because it will sound weird. So yeah. If there’s anything you need help with, please don’t hesitate to drop me a message, alright? :)

Characterization/Details: [12/25]

Not much going on to actually give me a proper gauge. The character summarization at the start didn’t count, of course. That irked me out, like I said before, and I’m sorry for being such a straightforward .
There wasn’t much characterization going on, to be honest. I think it was partly because you only had two chapters for me to review but don’t be sad or anything because I totally don’t mind. :)
All their characters were based on small fragments, which were rather interesting, but shallow because I totally have no idea how Hea Woo was as a Princess. I know that she was depressed but that was about it. There wasn’t anything much about her character.
Taemin’s character was just blurry. So was the rest.

Heh. Sorry for the weird description but that was what I thought.

However, I thought you did a great job with regards to the details in the story. You gave me a clear view of the whole scene instead of blocking everything out and just focusing on the characters itself. Good job on that!

Overall enjoyment: [4/5]

I’m going to be honest. I liked it. You definitely caught my attention with your story. I’m rather curious to see how you will develop Taemin’s relationship with the Princess. I know that I said that it was cliché but I couldn’t help it. There was a spark in your story that actually made me want to subscribe so good job on that!

Total score: 67/100

General comments: You could do so much better with regards to their characterization and your punctuation. I thought their characters were rather shallow but I think it was because you just started. I hope you would emphasize more on their character as you progressed along.

Other than that, I thought that you were doing quite okay so far. J
Update soon aite ^^

02.01.12