Title: Escape
Author: missSandarapark

Review

Title: [4/5]

At first glance, it was normal. There wasn’t much that I could say about your title because it was rather straightforward and I guess, I liked that level of straightforward-ness that you had in your title. Plus, I thought it suited your story well from the chapters that you had presented. Escape… Hm, escape from what? *continues reading*

Description/Foreword: [8/10]

No matter how much I want to go on and on about how your foreword proposed sounded cliché, I couldn’t. Man, it was fantastic in my point of view. I loved how you played with your words. It sounded chim (it means complex-like in chinese slang ^^) and I love things that are chim but easy to understand. You know, difficult but easy. Heh.

It was a smart move to actually have it in Seohyun’s point of view. I thought that was really good because usually it’s the commoner that has a more interesting and intricate mind.  Overall, I thought the whole paragraph had simply served me the appetizer, a really good appetizer, and I can’t wait to start on the main course!

She glanced back behind her, beyond the stretching trees. This was her hometown - it had always been. And yet, now ... to be with the person she had loved so much, she was giving it up.
But he is too, she reminded herself silently. For the sake of a better future. For us.

That was my favorite part of the whole paragraph. Like I said, it was a smart move to use Seohyun’s point of view to kick-start the story. I liked how it sounded selfish but generous at the same time, if you get what I mean. So, good job!

Plot: [7/10]

So far, the only thing that really interests me was Wooyoung’s relationship with Jieun. I thought their hot and cold relationship was amazing! I loved how you made them clueless on how they’re to attract the other party when in fact, the both of them are meant for each other.

The rest was rather bubble gum like for me. Sweet and romantic but I guess, that was because you only just started with a few chapters so that was expected.

A little more insight inside Kyuhyun and Seohyun’s head would be nice. You were doing so well with Seohyun’s thought when she eloped with him at the start! What happened? The story is supposed to be about Kyuhyun and Seohyun, right? I felt like there was a hole in the story and there wasn’t much going on between the two of them. Yes, there was the ‘I’m going to cook for you when I marry you’ scene but it was still rather empty. The romance spark just wasn’t there for me.

Overall, I thought that the chapters were well thought of and it complimented one another. From the scene of Kyuhyun and Seohyun in the forest to Yoona dressing up as a beggar, I thought everything was written rather pleasantly.

Though, I have something to comment on. Regarding Yoona. She’s a princess, right? So why couldn’t Wooyoung and Jieun recognized her? I mean, if she’s a Princess, shouldn’t everyone have at least a clue of how she looked like, unless, I miss something in the story. :/

Flow: [2/5]

To be honest, you were rushing things. The story didn’t bloom to it’s full potential. The story sounded more like it occurred in the span of two days. You simply rushed from the scene of them eloping to Yoona finding them.

Like I said, a little insight into Kyu and Seohyun’s head would be nice. Maybe have a chapter where they have a date or something. Poor souls. They couldn’t even take a moment to enjoy their time after eloping and Yoona had already invaded the picture.

Writing style: [5/5]

It was simple and easy to understand. Everything was paragraphed nicely and you even made a point to actually split the point of views clearly so that the readers won’t get confused. Your basic sentence structure was almost impeccable. Good job! :)

Originality: [3/5]

Main idea wise, based on your current chapters, didn’t stand out that much. The idea of a prince eloping with a commoner is rather common. I’d heard it lots of times and yours was no different.

However, what pulled your score up was Wooyoung and Jieun. I guess that was highlight of the story because you made the reader’s wonder if they were ever going to get together. HOWEVER! That isn’t the focus of your story, is it?

You can improve your story and make it different. Just add scenes that are different. Add your own color and don’t be afraid to think out of the box. Make Yoona forget her memory or make Kyuhyun gay at the last minute. Anything! Really, just experiment with different ideas and you’ll be well on your way to creating a rather ‘you’ element story. :)

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [25/30]

This section was rather easy for me to mark, somehow. There were few mistakes and I was really happy that there effort to actually make sure that the whole story was written as perfectly as possible. Spelling wise, it was flawless! Vocab was almost impeccable. You only had a slight problem with your Grammar.

(Chapter 1)

But that had stepped in, and all their memories were ruined along with it.

Never, and I mean NEVER, start with a ‘but’. It’s just plain wrong. You have words like ‘however’ to do that.
Correct: However, that had stepped in, and all their memories were ruined along with it.

Yoona sniffed with disdain, shaking her head.

You don’t ‘sniffed with disdain’. You sounded as if you were having a cup of tea with some random guy called ‘disdain’. You ‘sniffed in disdain’.
Correct: Yoona sniffed in disdain.

(Chapter 3)

The next morning, Kyuhyun and I woke up to the fresh aroma of pancakes sprinkled with maple syrup.

I don’t know. I just found the ‘sprinkled with maple syrup’ part rather weird. You sprinkle maple syrup? Another form of verb would be better.
Correct: The next morning, Kyuhyun and I woke up to a fresh aroma of pancakes with a hint of maple syrup. (I’m sorry but somehow, this suited the sentence. Feel free to change it to something more… Sensible and awesome if you want to.)

But it was too late. Wooyoung had turned around, carrying the plates.

Once again, no ‘but’s in the beginning of the sentence.
Correct: However, it was too late. Wooyoung had turned around, carrying the plates.

He stared at us.

We stared us.

He stared at them and they stared at them? Haha! You meant to say that they stared at him right?
Correct: He stared at us.

We stared at him.

Oh God, this is killing me.

The guards sure know how to lazy about, huh? We've already sent so many of them out to look for Kyuhyun and that girl, and yet they still dare to come back empty-handed. 

Your problem here was tense. You were consistently using past tense at the start and I thought that was marvelous! However, when it came to Yoona’s point of view, everything just started to mess up. Try your best to use one particular tense throughout unless the situation allows you to.
Another thing, you laze about and not lazy about.
Correct: Oh God, this was killing me,

The guards sure knew how to laze about, huh? We had already sent so many of them out to look for Kyuhyun and that girl and yet, they still dared to come back empty-handed.

(Chapter 5)

Damn, I have such horrible luck. I come all the way into the forest just to look for Kyuhyun, and I end up with a sore ankle?! Thank god this guy called Wooyoung saw me and let me into his place to nurse my ankle.

How am I going to look for the two of them now?

Tense and try not to use ‘?!’. Somehow, I find them rather informal. Try your best to keep your story as formal as possible.
Correct: Damn, I have such horrible luck! (Note: this is one of the situations where you can use present tense). I came all the way into the forest just to look for Kyuhyun, and I ended up with a sore ankle? Thank God this guy called Wooyoung saw me and let me into his place to nurse my ankle.

How was I going to look for the two of them now?

Well, nothing much after that. Like I said, it wasn’t anything serious. It was just small, minor mistakes that you might have overlook. Check your chapter at lest twice to ensure that everything is in tip top shape before posting it up. Good job! ^^

Characterization/Details: [17/25]

So far, I have a rough idea of each and every one of the characters. I loved the chemistry between Wooyoung and Jieun. Haha! I’m going to be honest. I really love them in this story! You described their feelings and their confusion really well and I could feel Wooyoung’s ego being hurt when Jieun said that he had no backbone. Woo! It was good!

The same goes for Yoona’s personality. I can sense the little insanity in her that was just dying to get out get Kyuhyun back!

However, I was very disappointed with Seohyun and Kyuhyun’s portrayal. They’re the main characters of the story but when I read the chapters, they were shallow. Not much was revealed about them. All I knew was that they were happy and care free with each other’s presence. It was a little off. Yes, I know that they should be happy because they finally eloped but emotions like how they felt about leaving their home and family was missing, especially for Kyuhyun. He was a Prince who abandoned his people for his own selfish need. Don’t you think there should be at least a hint of guilt being portrayed for his character? How about Seohyun? I’m pretty sure there’s so much more that you can write to make these two characters blossom because right now, it seems like Wooyoung and Jieun are the main characters right now and not Kyuhyun and Seohyun.

Overall enjoyment: [4/5]

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy it. I’m still  a nice human being with a nice heart. I apologize if I seemed to be shooting you down in some sections but I love your story. I can’t wait to see what Yoona’s planning to do. I wonder what else does she have under that ragged sleeves of hers! Oh and Wooyoung and Jieun relationship too! They were so cute! *squeals*

Total score: 75/100

General comments: It was okay but try to slow it down a little. No one likes things to be shoved down their throat so take it easy and take your time to write the story. Don’t rush things. I’m positive that with proper planning, there should be enough excitement and content to actually attract your readers and get them hook. :)

Oh and don’t forget to focus more on Seohyun and Kyuhyun’s character and relationship. Remember, they’re the main characters. So, don’t overshadow them, okay! Kyuhyun will be mad and he might chase you with that harmonica of his. Haha!

However, so far, it was a good job. :)

18.01.12