Tittle: The Vampire’s Slave
Author: wonjana

Review

Title: [4/5]

I’m sorry. I’m just a er for vampires and I thought the title was awesome even though it was a little cliché. I mean, a vampire and a slave. What could possibly happen between those two? Let me see… A lot could happen so kudos for the awesome title! You had definitely caught my eye with that.

Description/Foreword: [8/10]

Description wise, it was average. It was simple yet, it had this tug that made me want to read it. I think what ticked me off regarding your description was the way you phrased the whole thing. It’s just your sentence structure and there were a little punctuation mistakes.

Find out what happens to you (Eun Bi) a vampire ,you fall in love to your slave, Kwangmin. But what if he's human? what if Taemin, the one who turned you into a vampire threatens you that he will kill Kwangmin if you wont be his? What if someday, Kwangmin starts denying that he knows you?

It would have been better if you didn’t put the name of the vampire in a bracket. It kind of made it informal. You could actually put it in the sentence as well.
Oh and I think I did told you about using ‘but’ as a starting word, right? You shouldn’t do that. You can replace it with ‘however’.
Correct: Find out what happens to you, Eun Bi, a vampire, when you fall in love with your slave, Kwangmin. However, what if he’s human? What if Taemin, the one who turned you into a vampire, threatens to kill Kwangmin if you won’t be his? What if one day, Kwangmin starts to deny that he knows you?

Plot: [10/10]

I’m speechless. Really, I am. I don’t usually give out a full mark for this section so congratulations! I thought that your story was simply amazing! The plots that you had in it were mind-boggling. You kept me at the edge of my seat with every chapter that I read. I loved the relationship that you had created between Kwangmin and Eun Bi. I simply adored how you made Taemin. I swear that I was devastated when he died. Ya, Taemin you pabo! Why did you run in front of Sulli and get yourself killed? Sadgirl93. :(

Oh, speaking of Sulli… I thought that she was sick! No, I mean that in a good way. Seriously! I thought that the idea of Sulli being a vampire who was actually Youngmin’s wife was just… WAHHHH!!! I really did not expect that!
At first, I was asking myself what was Sulli doing but when the Queen and Sulli came to visit Taemin and the rest, I finally realized her role in the story!
This is really good! You’re one sly little girl, aren’t you?
I simply loved all the little surprises that you had!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I finished reading your story in four hours. HEH. That was how interesting your story was.
You really had improved from The Person Who Changed My Life. I can see that you gave in more thought regarding the plots and everything gelled up really nice. It was really enjoyable so Kudos!

Flow: [4/5]

It’s nice. That’s all I have to say. The flow was decent. You didn’t rush anything. You simply took your time, without being too slow, to actually captivate your readers. However, I thought that at the start with Kwangmin and Eun Bi was a little rushed. It could have been nice to see how their “relationship” bloomed, especially for Eun Bi’s feelings towards Kwangmin. Other than that, I liked the flow. :)

Writing style: [3/5]

There were some points where you had the Author’s point of view in the chapter and you used the subject ‘you’ instead of ‘Eun Bi’. I didn’t like that. For me, I don’t really dig the ‘You’ point of view. When you use ‘you’, that’s not the Author’s point of view. That’s what you call ‘Your’ point of view.

However, I thought you did a great job with the way you write. You had decent paragraphing and it was really neat to read. You even made the effort to state whose point of view it was before you start the chapter and I thought that was really considerate of you.

Oh! Before I forget, it would be nice if you kept your text font constant. I got a little ticked off when the font kept changing. Heh. Sorry, I’m a little fussy so my apologies for that.

Originality: [5/5]

The idea of being a slave to vampire was not uncommon but your plots and your ability to actually think out of the box had really helped you in this section. The twists, that was present in the story, simply made your story shine. Like I mentioned before, your storyline’s amazing. I couldn’t describe it in any other way.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [17/30]

I was a little disappointed for this section. You had quite a big problem with grammar and punctuation, especially grammar. Your tenses frequently jumped and it wasn’t consistent. Plus, I’m pretty you’re aware of the fact that I’m a big grammar freak so yeah. For punctuation wise, sometimes, you didn’t use the full stops properly and there were some errors when you used the ‘s.

(Chapter 4)

 I was also thinking about what Siwon had ordered me, bring 2 humans? That's ridiculous. It's like betraying my own fellow humans. But if I don’t do it ,he would kill me.

Your sentence structure for the first sentence was off. I didn’t understand what you were trying to say. I mean, I knew what you meant but at the first glance, it looked like gibberish. Try to read out load and you’ll understand why I said that it looked like gibberish.
Secondly, never, and I mean never, start a sentence with a ‘but’ unless under special and necessary circumstances. You have words like ‘however’ to do that. ‘But’ should never be used as a starting word for a sentence.
Thirdly, past tense my dear. You were using past tense at the start and then you had ‘it’s’ in the sentence. When you write in past tense, it would be ‘it was’ and you’re not allowed to use ‘it’s’ because it stands for ‘it is’ or ‘it has’.
Correct: I was also thinking about what Siwon had ordered me to do. Bring him two humans? That’s ridiculous. It was like betraying my own fellow but if I didn’t do it, he would kill me.

I don’t know why she doesn't want the people who know her and she knows not to see her. She's really changed and I don’t know how to bring back the old her. She's become selfish, I can see that in her eyes and attitude. But her business is not my business so I vow to her. Anyway, I am only a slave now.

Once more, your tense wasn’t consistent and the ‘but’ problem.
Correct: I didn’t know why she didn’t want the people who knew her not to see her. She had really changed and I didn’t know how to bring back the old her. She had become selfish. I could see that in her and attitude but her business wasn’t my business even though I had vowed to her. Anyway, I am only a slave now.

She chuckled, "Why am I explaining to you?" she bit her lip. I sighed. She is right, why is she explaining? Why am I asking? I am so stupid, I shouldn't have asked her that.

Tense.
Secondly, try to break the sentence up for the first sentence or just rephrase it because it sounded weird and it looked weird.
Lips should be plural and try to start a new sentence in a new paragraph when you end a dialogue. It makes the writing style more formal and decent to read.
Correct: She chuckled.

“Why am I explaining this to you?” She bit her lips.

I sighed. She was right. Why was she explaining? What was I asking? I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have asked her that.

(Chapter 12)

I have no chance to be with Eun Bi, but I thought – there is still a chance that she will come back to her parents who are still waiting.

Once more, it was the tenses. You were writing in past tense throughout the story so you should keep it constant.
Correct: I had no chance to be with Eun Bi, but I thought – there was still a chance that she would come back to her parents who were still waiting.

“ What do you need with me?” I asked them ,my voice was breaking but I cleared my throats .

There was a redundant spacing at the start. I think you had overlooked that. Then, you had mistakes with your full stops. There were two mistakes. One was the comma and the other was the full stop.
Throat should be in singular because you only have one throat. Unless you’re a three-throat monster, you only have one throat.
Correct: “What do you need with me?” I asked, my voice breaking but I cleared my throat.

“Oh” was all that I said to the big guy.

A comma was missing after the dialogue.
Correct: “Oh,” was all that I said to the big guy.

My heart almost exploded. And she disappeared in a glimpse.

Never, ever start a sentence with ‘and’. ‘And’ is used to connect two separate sentences together.
Correct: My heart almost exploded and she disappeared in a glimpse.

(Chapter 22)

The only question is why she left me... maybe she was only playing with my heart. Because I'm a fool.

The tense was inconsistent again. ‘maybe’ should be in capital, the first letter, I mean, because you ended the previous statement with a full stop so it’s just right to start with a capital letter. Once more, the ‘because’ problem had surfaced here.
Correct: The only question was why she had left me… Maybe she was only playing with my heart because I was a fool.

(Chapter 30)

Yet he gave me no choice.

‘Yet’ should have a comma behind it.
Correct: Yet, he gave me no choice.

When I saw a stake on a table beside the door. I had in thought that I can just get it and runaway then wolves will be running after me. 

The full stop behind ‘the door’ should be a comma instead and ‘I had in thought’? Was it just me or did that just looked wrong? Hm, I’m not really sure but I didn’t like the structure. ‘Then’ should be ‘before’. Well, to me, based on your sentence, I think it’s ‘because’ because to me, it sounded like you were going to get the stake and run before the wolves come chasing after you. Get my drift?
Correct: When I saw a stake on a table beside the door, I knew that I could get it and run away before the wolves would be running after me.

When Sulli stood up and started to walk toward me, I noticed him standing up again, he was panting but he wasn’t  looking at me.

‘Toward’ should be ‘towards’.
Correct: When Sulli stood up and started to walk towards me, I noticed him standing up again, panting but he wasn’t looking at me.

(Chapter 34)

We stopped for a while to breath and then I pushed her gently into bed and I was on top of her now.

‘Breath’ should be ‘breathe’. You push someone onto bed and not ‘into’ bed. Plus, I thought that the last part could be better structured.
Correct: We stopped for a while to breathe and then, I pushed her gently onto bed, going on top of her.

Characterization/Details: [23/25]

I usually read like a third of a story again to find any flaws regarding the character of the details but so far, I’m quite satisfied with the amount of persona that each and every one of the character had. Onew’s character spoke out the most to me, somehow. I really enjoyed reading about him NOT eating chicken during the weekend because he was angry that Sulli liked Kwangmin. It was a little depressing when he died. He was a fine young man. Haha!

Regarding details, I thought you did great; especially the scene where the mob of people chased after Eun Bi and Kwangmin with stakes and fires. The descriptions were very vivid and I really enjoyed that little movie in my head.

The only thing that was lacking was the details of the fight between Eun Bi and the Queen. Come on! Where’s the action man? Haha! I’m joking. I’m fine with you not having the scene. :)

Overall enjoyment: [5/5]

Seriously, do I still need to explain this part to you? I think it’s quite obvious why I gave you this mark. Hehe!

Total score: 79/100

General comments: Almost perfect, that’s all I had to say about this story. I really enjoyed reading this. At first, I was positive that I would not surpass the 15^th chapter because usually, if the story has more than fifteen chapters, I would stop at chapter fifteen, unless it’s really good. However, I actually read everything and I really want to thank you for keeping me occupied with your amazing story. Good job!

Just correct your grammar mistakes and I’m sure it’s close to the perfection that you desire. :D