Tittle: DREAMS: Onew Kidnapped a Chicken (온유은치킨을납치입니다)
Author: sharehappyness (Now Mrs. Lee Jinki once more ^^)


Review

Title: [5/5]

Hands down. I love it to the max. It’s different and funny. A little cliché because it’s Onew and chicken again but the way you phrased it was just hilarious! Seriously? Onew kidnapping a chicken? Why?!
Plus, I liked how you had ‘DREAMS’ at the start of the title. It kind of gave me the idea that Onew was dreaming and the Korean words you had at the back made it look professional so, good job!

Description/Foreword: [7/10]

It was simple and sweet. I have to be honest. You didn’t have to do much here because even if you had left this section blank, I would have still read the story because the title had captured my attention. Your title was that good.
However, there were some mistakes in your description/foreword.

Onew kidnap a Chicken.

But later he doesn't know that the Chicken he kidnapped was indeed a special one.

What will happens when the Chicken asked a favor for him?

I think it should be ‘kidnapped’ because it should compliment your title. I think you overlooked this part. The next was your grammar. Remember what I told you the other time? You should always be consistent; one moment, you had ‘doesn’t’ and the next, you had ‘was’. Thirdly was your last line in the paragraph. The chicken asked a favor ‘from’ him and not ‘for’ him.  The chicken was asking Onew for a favor. It wasn’t asking anyone else a favor for Onew. Catch my drift?
Correct: Onew kidnapped a Chicken.
But he didn’t know that the Chicken he had kidnapped was indeed a special one.
What would happen when the Chicken asked a favor from him?

Plot: [8/10]

I’m speechless, I really am. Your story’s twisted, in a good way of course. I thought that the story was genius. It’s not everyday where you find a story like this. I loved the plots that you had in your story. It was a little confusing at first but it’s the little small confusion in each chapter that made me more determine to finish the story asap. Plus, you already completed the story so it had pretty much been read- by me.

Honestly, it was a little confusing towards the end but if one were to actually take time off to re-read it again, it’s actually quite intriguing. Kudos!

The only reason why you got an eight was because of the confusion part. It would have been nice if there were a little more explanation on the time or the details of the scene because sometime, I was a little lost. I had to wreck my brain a little to actually get what the scene was about
That was all. Other than that, I thought you did an awesome job, especially for chapter four! I loved how you actually had a scene based on the gif in your chapter. :D

Flow: [4/5]

I thought the pace was a little too fast and that might had caused the confusion towards the end. However, I liked the fact that you rushed some of the chapters. It really made the dream effect very realistic and I liked it a lot.

Writing style: [4/5]

It’s unique, that’s all I had to say. The way you write is a little different from other authors and that’s what attracted me to you (Your writing, I mean. Don’t get too many ideas, Hee). Your style of writing is short and sweet, making it addictive.

However, like I mentioned before for The Name I Loved, it would be nice if you were to indicate who started talking first because I got lost a few times trying to figure out who was saying what. I’m not saying that you should indicate it for every speech dialogue that you have but having just one at the start would be good. :)

Originality: [5/5]

Original. Definitely. I wonder how the hell did you came up with such an idea. Not only did I love the fact that Jinki was talking to a talking chicken, I loved the small details of emotions tied around the story itself. It was funny, it definitely was but in the midst of all the happiness and joy, you can’t help but to notice the slight sadness that story held towards the end of it, especially after the chicken had asked Jinki to eat her up so that she could fly.

I loved how you tied this fic up to TNIL. The dream was an omen. Woah. Daebak!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [10/30]

This really pulled you down like crazy. Like I said once before, your problem had a lot to do with grammar. It’s your worst nightmare, in my point of view. You weren’t consistent with your tenses and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of how y I can get with grammar. Haha!

Plus, in this story, I realized that you had omitted a lot of full stops. You need to end a sentence properly. It’s considered informal to not end a sentence with a full stop.

Other than that, it’s just minor spelling mistake and there. There wasn’t anything major for that section.

(Chapter 1)

I was walking on the streets that lonely silent night. The rain has just ended and the road are as soak as my shirt but no one cares. I was holding my green mp3 player switching songs by songs hoping to find a good song that will suits my mood tonight. Everyone is resting, I think, but the bounce of people in the streets were never limited. Maybe I should slide my mask back before anyone could notice me.

Your tenses were inconsistent here. You started with past tense at the beginning with ‘was’ and somehow, you suddenly shifted to present and then back to past. You have to remember to constantly stick to one tense unless under special circumstances but I won’t explain it here to avoid more confusion for you. :)
Oh and it’s supposed to be ‘bounces of people’ since people is singular so it had to be ‘bounces’.
Correct: I was walking on the streets that lonely, silent night. The rain had just ended and the roads were as soaked as my shirt but no one cares. I was holding my green MP3 playing, switching through songs and hoping to find a good song that would suit my mood tonight. Everyone was resting, I think, but the bounces of people in the streets were never limited. Maybe I should slid my mask back before anyone could notice me.

Honestly. I did said that I love Chicken more than Yoongeun but I say that because its true. Sometimes, eating chicken helps me alot, to ease the tension, sadness or pain... it's like my comfort zone, and well, Yoonguen can never do that.

Once more, it’s the tenses. Oh and you should start ‘it’s’ with a capital letter because it’s the first word of the new sentence. I think you overlooked that small detail. Plus, ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’ because it’s a short form for ‘it is’.
Correct: Honestly, I did say that I loved chicken more than Yoogeun but I said that because it’s true. Sometimes, eating chicken helped me a lot. It eased the tension, the sadness and the pain… It’s like my comfort zone and well, Yoogeun could never do that.

(Chapter 2)

Chicken can't speak, everyone knows that but I'm a special Chicken because I can speak and I can think like a human, and no one knows that. 

Tenses! Chicken should be in plural because you’re trying to say that all chickens could not speak, not only one chicken.
Correct: Chickens couldn’t speak, everyone knew that, but I was a special Chicken because I could speak and I could think like a human and no one knew that.

Who is this guy and what the hell I'm talking about? Well, You'll see, You certainly will see when he already finds me. But for now, I'll be just sitting in here, waiting, waiting and waiting.

Once more, the tenses are off. ‘But’ shouldn’t be used at the start of a sentence. That’s wrong.
Correct: Who was this guy and what the hell was I talking about? Well, you’ll see. You certainly will see when he finds me but for now, I’ll just sit here waiting, waiting and waiting.

(Chapter 3)

"Sorry for keeping you waiting"

"It's okay, I'm okay"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

Okay, so these were the punctuation mistakes that I was talking about. You didn’ end any of your dialogue speeches with a full stop. You should always, and I mean always, end your sentence properly. Never leave them hanging.
Correct: “Sorry to keep you waiting.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”

He kneeled towards me and flawked my feathers. He touched me like how he used to...

You kneeled towards someone? That sounded a little… Scary. You kneeled down in front of someone, not towards someone. Oh and ‘flawked’? What’s that?
Correct: He kneeled in front of me and my feathers. He touched me like how he used to…

(Chapter 4)

"You shouldnt have left me"

Punctuation, darling. It should be ‘shouldn’t’.
Correct: You shouldn’t have left me.
 

(Chapter 5)

"WHAT FOR? Your a talking CHICKEN for God sake, Your special! Even the glotonous person in the entire world will NOT eat you"

You’re missing the ‘s for ‘God’. It’s God’s sake. And ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’. Glotonous was spelt wrongly. It’s gluttonous.
Correct: WHAT FOR? You’re a talking CHICKEN for God’s sake! You’re special! Even the most gluttonous person in the entire world will NOT eat you!”

"Because It was HOW it supposed to be"

‘It’ should not start with a capital letter. ‘It’ should be ‘it’s’ since you’re trying to say ‘it is’ and you forgot your full stop again. Haha!
Correct: Because it’s HOW it’s suppose to be.”

"When chickens die, they will go to heaven, I thought you can figure that out"

Full stop’s missing at the back and you should break this sentence up into two. One, for the chicken going to heaven when they die and the other, for Onew not being able to figure I out.
Correct: “When chickens die, they will go to heaven. I thought you could figure that out.”

(Final Chapter)

The number your calling cannot be reach. Please try your call later.

‘You’re’. Not ‘your’.
Correct: The number you’re calling cannot be reached. Please try calling again later.

Nothing too major except for your grammar and punctuation. You really need to work on that because it’s a pity to see a really amazing story lose it’s quality because of grammar and punctuation mistakes. A few mistakes would be fine but when you have tons of it, it’s a bit of a turn off.
If you do have any questions, you know where to find me, BB. *winks*

Characterization/Details: [20/25]

Jinki’s role in the story was clearly penned down and I loved the fact that it was easy to distinguish his character. Haha! I think that’s also partly because I read TNIL so yeah.

Other than that, I thought that a little more details regarding their surroundings would be nice. I felt that it was kind of empty; like a photograph with a subject but no background image to support it. I thought you lacked that in your story.
Good job! I simply love the chicken!!

Overall enjoyment: [5/5]

I think there’s no need for me to explain to you this part. I love it and I think I made it clear from the start when I commented on the story tens and thousands of years ago. :)

Total score: 68/100

General comments: I enjoy your stories and I won’t deny that fact. I think you’re one amazing writer who has a sick brain. You can come out with plots that are both interesting and twisted. Your brain is something that I envy you for. The only problem that you have is regarding grammar. Like I said before, you need to make sure that your tense is used continuously throughout the story. After that is corrected, I’m pretty sure that your stories would be flawless. :)
Yah, are you updating Vengeance, Résurrection & Séance soon? I’m dying to know what happens next. Kekeke! <33333