Title: Dating in the Dark
Author: shinee_luv

Review

Title: [5/5]

Interesting. Dating in the dark? Can I participate too? Wow! It’s a really unique title. I don’t think that I’d come across any story with such a name. So congratulations for the full marks because you had really caught my attention with your title.

Description/Foreword: [7/10]

I thought that it was not bad. For me, I didn’t really need the description/foreword to get me reading because your title enough. However, I did thought that your description was short and sweet. You gave the readers an idea of how the whole dating in the dark thing was going to start and I thought that was really nice.

However, the teaser was a little redundant to me simply because it just felt like a longer version of your shorter description. There wasn’t anything different about the teaser.

Oh and here’s a little piece of advice. Try to spell out the number instead of writing it as ‘2’. It’s more formal unless you have numbers like ‘1993’, then for that part, you don’t need to spell out the number because it’s a little too long.

Plot: [6/10]

Well, if I were to just base it on the only chapter that you had, it was a little dry but I guess that was because you were just getting started on the story so I didn’t expect many things to go on.

Though, I liked the scene where Kibum was telling the “mysterious blonde headed” customer about the type the roses that was appropriate for the occasion. It was also fun to read about Taemin blackmailing Kibum. I wonder what the picture content is. Hehe!

Flow: [4/5]

Like I said before, I couldn’t really tell much about the flow but just judging from your first chapter, I got the impression that you would take things slow and steady but it won’t be to a point where it starts to get boring.

So far, the pace for Chapter 1 was enjoyable for me. Nothing was rushed. You took your time to explain a little bit about Kibum’s background and his relationship with Taemin. Yeah, it was not bad.

Writing style: [4/5]

Neat and nice to read; that was all. You paragraphed the whole thing nicely and you even bothered to start a new paragraph when you’d ended a dialogue. That was neat.

Other than that, I’m not such a big fan of many POVs in one chapter. Try to stick to one so that it doesn’t confuse the readers. Either that or make it obvious that you’re changing POVs. I’m not saying that you didn’t state that it was Key’s POV or a third person’s POV, I’m just saying that you should make it more obvious because the statements seems hidden in the chapter.

Originality: [5/5]

So far, I have yet to come across a story with such a storyline. It’s very interesting and very unique, the whole dating in the dark thing. It sounds fun and I couldn’t help but to be excited for the whole lot of them who were participating in the game. Hm, they should have this game in my school. I would totally take part in it. Haha!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [18/30]

Well, the only problem you had was with punctuations. You seemed to miss out full stops here and there and when you started a new word of a new sentence, you forgot to start with a capital letter.

Other than that, sometimes you tend to skip tenses. One moment you were using past tense and then the other moment, you started using present. It wasn’t consistent. You should always remember to keep your tense consistent as it actually reflects on who you are as a writer. It also makes your story look formal and neat. :)

(Chapter 1)

"Taemin~ i don't wanna go" Ki bum whined as his little dongseang kept persuading him to come along.

Firstly, I didn’t liked the fact that you used a ‘~’. It kind of made your sentence seemed informal and I just didn’t like it. Secondly, you didn’t start ‘i’ with a capital letter. You should always start a new word of the sentence with a capital letter. Lastly, always end your dialogue or sentences. For dialogues, you either end it with a full stop or a comma, depending on your preference. For me, I like to end my dialogues with a full stop. Oh and try not to use text message spelling. Instead of ‘wanna’, use ‘want to’ instead and ‘dongseang’ was spelt wrongly. It’s ‘dongsaeng’.
Correct: Taemin… I don’t want to go.” Ki Bum whined as his little dongsaeng kept persuading him to come along.

Ki bum's jaw dropped and after some few secs, he recovered from the shock and asked

"Y-you wouldn't dare?"

‘Secs’ should be spelt out fully. Don’t use short forms. Secondly, ‘some few seconds’ doesn’t make sense. Instead, it’s ‘a few seconds’. Try to read the sentence out loud and you’ll hear that the sentence sounds really weird and ‘you wouldn’t dare’ in your sentence is not a question.
Correct: Ki Bum’s jaws dropped and after a few seconds, he recovered from the shock and asked, “Y-you wouldn’t dare.”

“I’m here” a voice said from underneath the cashier counter. Then suddenly my umma showed up, dirt on her face. “Welcome back, how was your school?” she said, not realizing what was on her face.

Try to start a new sentence in a new paragraph when you end a dialogue. It makes your writing neater and more presentable. It also will not make your words seem crammed up. ‘umma’ should start with a capital because it’s a mother so there sort of should be a formal way to say Umma.
Oh and dirt on her face? That sounded a little wrong. Haha!
Correct: “I’m here.” A voice said from underneath the cashier counter.

Then, suddenly my Umma showed up with dirt staining her face.

“Welcome back! How was school?” She asked, not realizing what was on her face.

“Thanks Ki bummie and go get change” she gave me her warm smile. Just then a customer walked in. A middle-aged woman showed up. “Oh! Anneyonghaseyo~” my mum bowed. The old lady smiled.

Once again, you should start the new sentence in a new paragraph when you end a dialogue. Secondly, there should be a comma after ‘just then’.
Correct: “Thanks Ki Bummie and go get changed. “She gave me her warm smile.

Just then, a middle-aged woman walked in.

“Oh! Annyeonghasaeyo!” My mum bowed before the lady smiled.

Kibum went inside his room. Only one thought came into his mind. Relax. He really needed it. At school, he is known as the brilliant student. Helping the teachers and his fellow student members. Not just at school, but at home as well. After his dad’s sudden death, Kibum was the only one to take care of his mum. Opening a flower shop and starting to earn for living. Everyday was a challenge for him, he didn’t had a day like a normal teenager.

Well, the main problem here was your sentence structure. At some parts, it looked like gibberish. I couldn’t understand what you were trying to say sometimes.
Secondly, you jumped tenses here. You had ‘went’, indicating that you were writing in past tense, and all after that, you had ‘Ki Bum is’. You had jumped with the tenses and that’s wrong. Try to keep your tense consistent, okay?
Correct: Kibum went inside his room. Only one though came into his mind and that was to relax. He really needed it.
At school, he was known as the brilliant student, helping the teachers and his fellow student members. He didn’t only helped in school but also at home.
After his Dad’s sudden death, Ki Bum was the only one to care for his Mum. They had opened a flower shop after that and started to earn for a living. Everyday was challenge for him. Ki Bum didn’t have a day like a normal teenager anymore.

“Follow me” Kibum said as he lead the way. The nervousness that formed earlier had all gone away. Ki bum took the latter on the section of roses. Kim bum pointed to a rose. A red rose. “Flowers symbolize many things, for a red rose, you give it to someone special, someone you love dearly. Ki bum ended his sentence as he eyed the blonde male. Ki bum couldn’t figure out what expression was the other latter wearing.

Tenses. Sentence structure and once again, try to break it up for it looked crammed up. One more thing, I didn’t think latter was an appropriate word to be used simply because latter is more used to denote the second option or something like that. You don’t use it to call another guy.
Correct: “Follow me.” Ki Bum said as he led the way.

The nervousness that formed earlier had all gone away. Ki Bum took the man to the roses section before he pointed to a rose; a red rose.

“Flowers symbolize many things. For a red rose, you give it to someone special, someone whom you love dearly.” Ki Bum ended his sentence as he eyed the blonde male.

Ki Bum couldn’t figure out what expression the other was wearing.

The rest of your mistakes were repetitive. You just need to keep in mind about your punctuation and your sentence structure. What I can suggest is either you get someone to beta your story or do what I do. I usually read the chapter out loud before posting it up and it kind of helps because you can hear whether the sentence made sense or if you’re missing punctuations or something like that.

Characterization/Details: [17/25]

Not much going on yet but I liked Taemin’s character. I liked the fact that he’s blackmailing Key. That was genius! Haha! The evil-cute maknae! Though, I have to say, I actually enjoyed the scene where Jjong was buying roses from Key. I thought you had described Key’s feelings really well and the details of when Key was deciding on which flower to recommend to Jjong was simply impeccable.

Overall enjoyment: [4/5]

So far, it’s not bad. It’s enough to actually make me wait for the future chapters. So yeah, update soon because you definitely gained a subscriber here. Hehe!

Total score: 70/100

General comments: Your story is really unique and I just simply love the idea of dating in the dark. I’m curious to see what you will come up with in the future chapters. :D